Those Minions
by HitsInTheEye
Summary: The League of Legends are famous for their champions, but what about the minions that are always in the background? Follow minions Caster and Melee as they set off on a quest full of revenge, betrayal, and suffering. COMPLETEish. Important Author's Note in Ch. 26.
1. She's My Wife

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"Yo Caster, what's going on?"<p>

"Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you! I can't believe you pulled that shit today!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm fucking ten miles away from your ass and you think it's funny to run straight at the enemy forces and try to die. Aren't you the fucking daredevil!"

"Hey, the champion saved me, so what's the harm?"

"The harm! How about losing your entire wave, you dumbass! You just led all the other Melees right into the battle without even waiting for fucking Siege!"

"Look...Caster. Let's talk about this outside. I mean, you're causing a commotion."

Caster looked at the rookie minions staring at him with apprehension. Sighing, Caster followed Melee as they went outside of the Nexus perimeter.

Melee stabbed his lance into the ground and held his shield up to the sky.

"Sure is bright today."

"Oh my god. I can't believe you just said that," said Caster, slapping himself in the face.

"I'm going to explain everything to you, Caster. I hope you'll understand why I did what I did today after my explanation."

"...Alright. I guess I can at least hear you out."

"Thanks Caster. If it was Siege, he'd probably just shoot my ass with a cannonball. You're the only reasonable one around here."

"Well...that's true." Caster couldn't help but stand a little straighter at the comment.

"So, it was five thousand years ago...when I made my first debut in Summoner's Rift."

"BULLSHIT, YOU FUCKER!"

"Ok, fine. Five hundred years ago. The time doesn't really matter. It's just for dramatic effect."

"You're just a minion and you're trying to stick yourself that far back into the timeline? Are you kidding me?"

"Ok! Five years ago! Are you happy? Do you like ruining my moment? You selfish prick."

"Continue."

"During that time, I was just a lone fighter, wandering the land. I didn't have any special status or any real reason for fighting. It was in my blood, so I fought and killed people. I was a born troublemaker, and everywhere I went, there was rage."

"So, you're telling me you were a troll."

"Look, could you just shut up? I'm trying to give you a masterpiece here."

Melee took a few steps forward and hung his head. He seemed to be suffering from great turmoil.

"Is it really that depressing? Because, if it's not, just cut the melodrama and hurry the fuck up."

"I had a wife."

"Are you shitting me?"

"No. I really had a wife. I didn't know her name. We eloped together and were only married for three days."

"You guys eloped, but you didn't know her name."

"Yeah. I met her on the battlefield during a Summoners' War. I had been hoping to loot some weapons to sell from fallen minions, but then, I saw her lying on the ground, half-dead."

"You eloped with a champion!"

"No. She had minion garb. She was amazingly beautiful. I couldn't resist taking her in my arms and motorboat-I mean, transporting her to safety."

"Look, if you indulged yourself, it's fine. We're all men here."

"I didn't indulge myself-"

"Don't try and deny it. I mean, you said she was hot, right?"

"...Ok, fine. I did indulge myself. But it was just a moment of weakness. I took advantage of a woman. I can't forgive myself for that."

"Women are meant to be taken advantage of."

"How sexist can you be?"

"I'm not being sexist, damn it! I'm being condescending towards women. This isn't bias towards women or anything like that. In fact, I love women more than any other gender. I just think they're weaker, more fragile, and more prone to accepting a sob story."

"That's called being sexist."

"Look, move on. Bring in your personal vendetta against me some other time."

"I don't have a personal vendetta against you-"

"Whatever! You found a hot chick and you took her with you. What happened next?"

"Well, I was discovered by a wave of enemy minions. They wanted to take her from me, so I declared that we were married."

"What? What the hell does that do-"

"Look, they had no fucking idea what family background I had. They just thought I looked a lot like Lee Sin."

"So you impersonated yourself as Lee Sin."

"Of course not. Lee Sin's a fucking giant. I just implied that I was his son."

"Are you fucking kidding-"

"Anyways, since we were married, they let us go and I took her out of Summoner's Rift. When she woke up, I told her that we needed to get married for her to escape to a safer location."

"Why did you need to get married at that point?"

"She was fucking hot, damn it! I wasn't going to let her go like that!"

"Jesus Christ, this Melee minion...You made the right choice."

"So, we got married by some traveling priest and I tried taking her back to her Nexus in Summoner's Rift."

"Ok. And?"

"Katarina thought she was jungle and Shunpoed her ass from a bush."

"Holy shit. That's terrible. How'd you get away?"

"Well, I looked like Lee Sin, so..."

"Are you fucking-"

"Nope."

"Lee Sin's a giant!"

"Yeah, but Katarina was a little dizzy from doing her ult. You know how it is."

"Holy crap. What happened after that?"

"Well, she obviously thought she killed Lee Sin's wife. Now, Katarina's strong, but Lee Sin in the jungle is fucking overpowered."

"Well, you know, they're nerfing him."

"Who said they're fucking nerfing him?"

"Who do you think? That voice in the sky..."

"The Summoner lady?"

"No. That one guy. Phreak. Or Morello."

"Oh, them. Really? They're nerfing Lee Sin?"

"Yeah. Next time we go out to battle, he'll probably be nerfed."

"Shit! I can't pretend to be Lee Sin anymore!"

"Well, it's not like he's UP now."

"That's not the fucking point! Lee Sin needs to stay as overpowered as possible because I'm relying solely on his reputation!"

"Look, let's get back onto topic. So Katarina thought you were Lee Sin and she just killed your wife."

"Yeah. So she Shunpoed her ass to the Blue Golem and ran the fuck away."

"Really? What a fucking bitch! Didn't even apologize?"

"Yeah. I mean, she could've at least offered to be a replacement."

"Why would a champion marry-"

"I was Lee Sin."

"Ok, fine. But I'm pretty sure those two are on opposite factions."

"Look, Lee Sin is overpowered, has a toned body, and knows martial arts. What more could you need, especially when you're a bloodthirsty bitch that should fucking take a chill pill and learn to fucking read the mood before jumping in and killing someone's wife like Katarina?"

"You really hate her, huh?"

"I'd still tap her."

"Seriously? Even though she killed your wife?"

"Ok, scratch that. My wife was way hotter."

"I thought I was sexist, but you just take it to another level."

"So you admit you're sexist. Finally out of the closet, huh?"

"I'm not ashamed to admit it anymore because I know shameless bastards like you are around to make me feel better."

"On second thought, she's dead, so yeah, I'd still tap Katarina."

"I don't even know what to say to that."

"So, anyways, after that, I booked it out of Summoner's Rift with my dead wife and tried to get her identified before I buried her."

"You wanted to console the family?"

"Console a potential sister, yeah."

"You're losing any respect I had for you. Every second now."

"I found out what faction she was in, so I decided to join up as a minion."

"So, that's how you got here, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Why'd you want to join, though? Did you want to avenge your wife's death?"

"Nah, nothing like that."

"Oh. So, you just wanted to find a purpose in all your random fighting and killing."

"Well...no."

"What the fuck. Why'd you come here then?"

"Well, see, while I was researching information about my wife, turns out she was already married."

"..."

Caster bent down to his knees and buried his face in his palms for a couple minutes.

"You ok?"

"Just...just stop. Stop for a minute. I'm trying...I'm _really_ trying..."

"Ok. I'll let you sort things out."

Eventually, Caster took a deep breath and stood back up, his face composed and his spirit calm.

"Ok. So? Your wife was married before you eloped. How's that involved with your decision to become a minion?"

"Well, you know, I'm a nice guy, right?"

"...Yeah, I guess."

"I know how it feels to lose a loved one. I mean, damn it, after that bitch Katarina killed her, I cried for an entire week."

"You loved her that much?"

"Yeah. I mean, she was a minion that was hotter than a champion. That's pretty rare, man."

"You don't feel a thing desecrating your wife's death like that?"

"I'm not desecrating her. I'm showing respect and admiration. Being hot isn't a fucking crime. It's something to be praised. It shows the time and effort a woman goes into preserving or enhancing her natural beauty. If you try and skirt around that issue, you're being a douchebag."

"Ok. I was out of line."

"Yeah. So stfu."

"I'm seriously going to kill you."

"Anyways, I'm a nice guy. I thought her husband might like to know who killed his wife."

"So you just wanted some other moron to try and kill Katarina."

"Do you really think that low of me? Am I just some two-bit scumbag you find off the street or something?"

"Look, we've only been talking for like fifteen minutes and you've already made me wish I never met you."

"I thought we were friends, man. Or, at the very least, comrades that can trust in each other."

"We are. Comrades, I mean. Trust doesn't have anything to do with my opinion of you. I'm perfectly willing to trust a guy who can impersonate Lee Sin so skillfully."

"You really mean that?"

"Fuck yeah."

"You're a real bro, man."

"You're praising me too much."

"No, really. You're a bro. You even got angry at me for making a stupid move today. I mean, not everyone would bother to do that. You really care."

"Stop. Just stop it. You're going to fill my head with hot air."

"I respect you. I hope you know that. Out of all the minions here, you're the one I can trust the most to have my back."

"Jeez, Melee. You're really giving me too much credit."

"Don't try and be modest, Caster."

"I'm not! I'm just a simple minion! Don't make me out to be a champion or anything."

"Well, you're not."

"I know."

"But you know what, Caster? I think minions are underappreciated."

"What? Where's this coming from?"

"Think about it. How many waves do the fucking champions get killed because they're too busy waiting for last hits? I mean, do you know how many lives are sacrificed in vain because a fucking champion doesn't want to push the lane?"

"Well, yeah, but that's what we're for."

"And they'd rather save their own ass with Flash instead of having Promote around to give a boost to a dying comrade. What kind of joke is that?"

"Look, we're just fodder. Our base stats suck and our health is even lower than Ashe's."

"Dude, don't compare us to Ashe, man."

"Look, I know she's completely useless with the introduction of Sejuani, since she's not even worth using as a utility character anymore, but she's still a champion-"

"You don't call that shit a champion. I mean, she got her place jacked by a tank. And she's an AD ranged carry!"

"Champion meta aside..."

"Right. So, like I was saying, minions today are underappreciated. We need some sort of labor force to guarantee our rights."

"Rights? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Like the right for us not to get hit by the turret. I mean, we're freaking doing all the fighting and the champions are just being pussy snipers from the back. I think the turret should focus only on the champion, because damn it, we need to establish that we're soliders, not freaking meatshields!"

"What do you think this is, World in Conflict? This is how it's always been and this is how it's always going to be."

"I know you care when one of our comrades die! Or else you wouldn't have told me off about it earlier!"

"I care. Who wouldn't? I'm not a cold-hearted prick like those Irelias that start a teamfight and then Ghost the fuck away."

"Or those Twitch that have full health but just stick around cloaked so they can get the kill once the enemy runs away."

"Yeah. But, we're just minions. We're not even superminions. We can't do squat except tank the turret and kill other minions."

"That's why we should also have the right to get a real buff. I mean, some champions go from 500 health to fucking 4000 just because they grab Warmog's and level up to 18. Seriously, if champions could level us up 18 times or buy us items, we'd be in way better condition."

"That'd ruin the point of the battle, fucktard. Champions have the spotlight, like in Dynasty Warriors. You don't see any of the soldiers there pwning the main fighters, do you?"

"Even the bots are getting a buff. When the hell are we getting buffed? I mean, really, come on! We make the battlefield a battlefield! If we weren't there, then it'd just be a bunch of pussies fighting each other and bitching about how every single ult is OP."

"We give our lives up to let the champions win. We're meant to be in the backstage. Can't you just let it go?"

"No way! I refuse to just die on this battlefield like a ragdoll. I mean, I couldn't even do a thing to save my wife. She got killed in a single shot because Katarina was too drunk up her ult to realize it was the wife of a Lee Sin look-alike. How do I protect the people important to me? How the hell am I supposed to fight for my causes or stick up for my rights if even Ashe can kill me? I can't even consider revenge because there's no way in hell a minion is going to kill a champion. Even if they're getting owned, they can just run behind their own minion line or the turret like little girls hiding behind daddy."

"Alright, you've made your point. And you know what? I fucking agree with you. Your wife got killed by a champion, but she's immune to any sort of repercussions because she can just beat the shit out of us by autoattacking. We need to stir shit up and get your voice heard."

"Seriously. You know what I think? I think we should just boycott from leaving the Nexus perimeter. We should just hang there, play cards, and let the spawning system mass up. Once we max out the map like Evols on Starcraft, then we go fuck a champion up and show them who's boss!"

"That actually doesn't sound like a retarded idea. Alright, I'm up for it."

"We'll get Katarina first too!"

"Avenging your wife right off the bat? You've got guts, Melee."

"Nah, man. It's the least I can do. She was your wife first, after all."

Caster froze up and blinked several times.

"...What?"

"Your wife. You know, the one that disappeared in the battle a couple months ago? Yeah, that was my wife."

"..."

"We're like bros-in-law, man."

"..."

Caster walked over to Melee's lance and pulled it from the ground.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to go fucking kill Katarina."

"Hey, use your magic wand thingy, ok? I'm going to go kill her too."

"We're going now."

"What? Wait, are you freaking serious?"

"That bitch is going to pay."

"Dude, she's a champion. Wait until the boycott-"

"I don't fucking need a boycott to avenge my woman," said Caster as he walked off the Nexus perimeter and into the battlefield.

"Hey! Hey, get back here! You're making me look like a pussy!"

Caster ignored him and continued marching down the middle lane.

"Dude...seriously! You're going to get killed!"

There was only silence as Caster's form vanished from sight.

"..."

Melee looked back at the Nexus perimeter, where the rookie minions were playing cards. Any second now, a new battle was going to start. Leaving right now was tantamount to suicide. No minion had ever braved a route alone. It was impossible. It was built in the rulebook.

"...Ah, jeez. Fuck it! Let's go."

Melee strapped his shield to his back and ran off after Caster.

"Hey, bitch, wait for me!"

This was the beginning of the two minions' quest for revenge.

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><p><strong>AN: **Praise absence of censorship.


	2. His Name is PC

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, on the other side of Summoner's Rift, the purple minions were also playing cards.<p>

"Explain to me why we're playing cards before a battle?"

"Why don't you tell me why champions have sex, get drunk off their ass, and smoke weed before a battle?"

"They don't."

"Well, shit, ah do," said the purple Caster who, for the sake of clarification, had the nickname PC.

"You're a real weirdo. Are you taking steroids or something? I mean, you're as big as Siege, but you're a Caster."

"It was Promote."

"There aren't even any summoners here yet!"

"What are you? Purple Melee?"

"Yeah. People call me Prime Minister for short."

"Ok, Primey-"

"Primey!"

"Ah've got one thing to say to you."

PC blew a noxious cloud of fumes from his mouth and tapped his cigar with his finger.

"Don't ask, don't tell."

"You didn't have to use a cool pose to introduce that cliched of a statement, you know!"

PC fitted the cigar back into his mouth and peered at Primey with a twisted smile.

"Shit man, everything ah do is cool."

"I hate you! I can't refute that! Fuck you!"

"You a rookie, Primey?"

"Are you seriously going to call me that from now on? And yeah, I'm a rookie. I just joined the ranks yesterday."

"Why are you hanging around me, Primey?"

"Well, because you're sitting on top of me, you fat piece of shi-"

"Ah can understand your logic, Primey. Ah'm an esteemed veteran and you're a big fan. Shit, you have good taste. Now, let me tell you, if you stick with me, your life here is going to be cruising easy. You hear me?"

"Yeah, but I can also hear my ribs cracking from your weight, you whale!"

"Good. Now, pass me my next card, ho."

Primey pushed hard against PC's huge butt and managed to lift himself an inch of free space. He locked his elbow into his side so that his body could keep the sack of lard up while he reached out with his free hand to grab a card.

"Alright, now. You seeing this, Primey?"

"Holy nipple-freezing mother fucking shit. You have four card Aces! What the fuck!"

"That's the luck of the chosen one, Primey. Stay on my good side and ah'll make sure your shit gets rolling."

The purple Melee minion in front of PC threw a straight flush down to claim the winnings.

"..."

"Well, shit. Looks like ah lost."

"You fatass! Get the fuck off me!"

"When the great lose, they lose big. Remember that, Primey."

"Hollllyyy fuck, I'm going to fucking rip your intestines out through your swimming pool of a bellybutton while you're sleeping, GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU SHITBAG WHORE BEFORE I RAM THIS LANCE DOWN YOUR GREASY THROAT UNTIL IT REACHES YOUR CRACK-FILLED LUNGS, YOU FATHERFUCKING SON OF A TRASHY PANDA-HUMPING SLUT!"

Suddenly, PC stood up, releasing Primey from his day-long imprisonment under someone's ass. PC slowly lowered the cigar from his mouth and stared off into the distance.

"Well, shit. The sky's bright today."

"FUCK! OFF! YOU COOL-ASS-AWESOME BITCH!"

"You know the line-up for today, Primey?"

"The what?"

"The champion line-up. That's part of being a smart minion, kid. Ah seen too many minions running like morons into battle even though their lane is already pushed by Sivir and Singed. You need to know what champions there are so you can evaluate a strategy on which minions to kill first. You gonna leave the Siege alone when you got a weak-ass Vladimir on your team or you gonna focus on the Casters to let the Tryn get a good mowdown?"

"Wow. I never thought of it that way. That really makes sense. So you're not just a retarded lardbucket are you?"

"Ah hope you're coming to appreciate me more now, Primey."

"Yeah, actually, I am. So, what's the champion line-up this time?"

"How the hell should ah know? That's why ah'm asking you, shit."

"SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU! JUST GO FUCKING JUMP IN FRONT OF A NEXUS OBELISK!"

PC blew a steady stream of smoke out through his pursed lips. He lifted the cigar back to his mouth and took a long drag.

"The air smells like bloodlust today."

"SHUT UP! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

"Let's go, Primey."

"Where the fuck are we going?"

"If you don't know the line-up and ah don't know the line-up, then we gotta go look at the line-up."

"Yeah, ok. That makes sense."

"Ah'll catch up later. You go on ahead."

"Yeah, alrigh-FUCK NO! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SIT HERE AND PLAY CARDS!"

"Ah'm gonna win this one."

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN DENYING IT!"

"One more game, Primey."

"Alright, whatever. Let me show you this shit is done."

The game that ensued left Primey with the famed reputation of being the only minion in the history of the League who folded a royal flush, yet still managed to win.

* * *

><p>Inside the Nexus, the champion line-up was slowly coming together. Two purple Caster minions were examining the line-up with great focus.<p>

"Kassadin mid? OP! We've got this shit in the bag."

"What are you talking about? Don't you see they have Annie? Annie is for sure going mid. Kassadin's going to be knee-deep in stuns, like Morgana after I left her bedroom this morning."

"You what!"

"...In my dream."

"Oh. Hey, man-"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Look, I get it. Everyone wants a chance with a female champion. I mean, all of them are just so..."

"Well-endowed, gorgeous figure, sexy expressions, no clothing-"

'Yeah, yeah. All that jazz."

"Well, at least we're guaranteed to have some eyecandy no matter who we get on our tea-WTF, IRELIA!"

"FML! Out of all the champions!"

"That's even worse than Poppy or Tristana. Irelia looks like shit even though she's human-sized."

"Hey, Casters. Ah'm coming in."

"Oh, shit. It's PC."

"Fuck, could this day get any worse?"

"Jesus, this place is a freaking dump," said Primey from the entrance of the Nexus. A pile of used socks slipped and crumbled onto the walkway.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Me? I'm Prime Minister, a rookie who just joine-"

"He's my valet, Primey. Show him some courtesy, kids."

"For the last fucking time, PC, we're not fucking kids! We're twice your age!"

"And fix that shitty accent. You're not even doing it right. Where the hell did you pick that up from, a Hollywood movie?"

"Who we got today, gentlemen?"

"And he just ignores us."

"Like he ever listens."

"Fuck, sometimes I just want to..."

"Yeah, how the hell did we get stuck with this fag on our infantry squad..."

Primey walked over to the two Caster minions and clasped their hands.

"Y-You...you have no idea...sniff...how much...those words mean to me."

"Aw, shit. Ah hate it when they got those blank screens."

"Seriously, shut the fuck up PC. Your smoker voice is driving me crazy."

"Alright, so we got Master Yi, Kassadin, Irelia, and Sona on our team so far."

"Jeez, what's with this blue team? Annie, Alistar, Vayne, and Rammus? We're going to get slaughtered," said Primey, staring agape at the projection screen on the wall.

"Still got two blank screens. They must be on Comcast."

The two Caster minions guffawed.

"Well, at least we got Sona."

"Yeah, Sona is hot."

"Vayne and Annie? Man, I feel bad for the blue team."

"Are you freaking kidding me? We're going to get our Nexus torn to shreds and you guys don't give a shit because we have Sona on our team?" said Primey.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah?"

Primey looked at them in astonishment.

"Fuck yeah. Seriously, I'm staying with you guys from now on. You guys are fucking rad."

"Rad, he says."

"Oh boy. Get me out of here before I get a hernia."

"_And _you guys are assholes. Man, this is perfect. Let me room or something, playa."

"Playa."

"Alright, we'll let you room. Just stop. You're killing me. I'm going to pop a lung."

"So, back to Sona."

"You mean Miss Cucurbitaceae?"

"Shut up, he's not going to get that."

"You mean her sweater puppies?"

"Bouncing Buddhas."

"Baby pillows."

"Congo Bongos."

"Jigglypuffs."

"Double Whoppers."

"Moo moos."

"Stop. Just stop. I'm dying. Really, I'm going to die."

"Ah'd say those chimichangas."

"PC, shut up! You just fucking wilted my Douglas Fir with that smoker voice!"

"Shit. I just realized we have Master Yi on our team."

"What's wrong with Master Yi?" asked Primey.

"Dude thinks he's such a badass."

"Yeah, cause he can BD a turret and run the fuck away."

"Stand right in the middle of a fight and wank his sword to give him max armor/MR stats."

"Seriously, he's a total jerkoff."

"Ooo, I got a big ass sword and more eyes than a spider!"

"It's assholes like him who think it's funny to decrease minion benefits."

"We have benefits?"

"Come on, rookie. You don't even know that?"

"How do you think PC here got so fat?"

"We get paid in bacon."

"Yeah."

"Seriously?" asked Primey.

"No. Are you retarded?"

"The fuck would I want bacon as my bonus for?"

"Ah like my bacon."

"Yeah, we know PC."

"Oh, finally. Our last champion's on the screen."

"Ashe? BAZINGA!"

"BAZOOMBAS!"

"GAZONGAS!"

"Gragas."

"AGH!"

"PC, FUCK YOU!"

"It's probably going to be Ashe and Sona bot," said Primey, inspecting the summoner spells.

"Oh shittt-"

"Yo, where's the roster!"

"You better put me on bot, damn it!"

"It's only fitting that two beauties accompany me in lane," said PC, expelling smoke from his mouth. "Shit, ah'm looking forward to it."

"Shut the fuck up PC, and go smoke somewhere else! That cigar of yours smells like total ass!"

"Yeah, and what? Why the hell would we let you go bot?"

"It doesn't matter how you fix it, those ladies are going to go where ah'm going to go."

"One chick's a queen and the other chick is from a wealthy family. Like hell they're going to go for a fatass like you."

"Shit, this fag Yi is probably going to make Sona leash for him."

"Are you fucking serious? Crap, I forgot about that."

"Guys, guys. If he sucks, he'll go Red first."

"Oh, game and match!"

"What? What's going on?"

"Last character popped up."

"Who is it?"

"I forget her name. That bitch that spins around a lot."

"Garen?"

"I said her, you twat."

"I'm not getting it. Who are you talking about?"

"Rookie, you know, right? Tell this idiot for me."

"...You forgot too?"

"Shut up and just tell me, rookie."

"I don't know! I'm new here!"

All three of them turned to PC.

"Well, no one fucking cares."

"Yeah, screw it, I'm going bot anyways."

"So, when can I move in?"

"Next week alright with you?"

"Yeah, cool."

"You're going to have to do your own share of work though."

"I don't mind. I did the chores at home all the time."

"Oh, we got a mommy here."

"Finally, I don't have to eat your shitty microwave meals every night."

"If they're so shitty, why don't you go buy some yourself, douche?"

"Aw, shit. It's Katarina."

"That's her name!"

"PC, I told you to STFU!"

"You know, I don't really mind going top either. Katarina's pretty hot."

"Yeah, ok, rookie. You go top with PC, alright?"

"Don't shit with me."

"No space anywhere else. Sorry...playa."

"...*trying to hold back laughter*"

"You guys are dicks."

"Yeah, so see you next week?"

"Yeah. I'll be here."

"Alright. Meeting adjourned, men."

Primey sighed and followed PC out of the Nexus. Well, at least he would meet Ashe and Sona before they went off to battle.

"Damn, I sorta wish I could've gone bot..."

"Like ah said, Primey. Those two beauties are going to be going wherever ah'm going. So, just stick with me."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

The time of battle was drawing near.


	3. The Champions

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"Hey, Caster. I was wondering. Where the hell did you pick up your wife from?"<p>

"What?"

"Like, I was just thinking about it, and I don't think I've ever seen a female minion except for her before."

"Are you fucking kidding me? They're everywhere. They even have their own fucking locker room to change in."

"Change? Change what?"

"The uniform, dumbass."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"You've never changed your uniform before?"

"Of course not! What the fuck? Aren't you supposed to keep this shit on at all times?"

"No?"

"Wait, what? Then what the hell do you wear to sleep?"

"What do you mean what do I wear? I fucking wear pajamas or something."

"On the ground?"

"The what?"

"You sleep under the trees, right?"

"...What the fuck are you on about, Melee?"

"I thought we were supposed to sleep outside! You know, like roughing it?"

"...Jesus Christ. I can't believe my wife married you."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that you're a retard. There are fucking barracks for us to sleep in."

"What the hell! I never saw any of this!"

"Well, what, you think we just sleep under trees or something?"

"Yeah!"

"That's why you're a retard."

"You're shitting me! I've been sleeping in the cold, with freaking mosquitos and shit biting my ass every night, and you're saying I could've been sleeping in a warm bed with central heating!"

"You get hot chocolate at night too, in the lounge."

"THE LOUNGE!"

"Jesus, how the hell did you enlist? All of this gets explained on the first day."

"...I was sort of...you know...busy."

"Busy?"

"Yeah. I had my own business to take care of."

"What could have possibly been so important-"

"I was celebrating our wife's three month anniversary, ok?"

"Ok, I'm going to ignore that anniversary bullshit. But, Melee, I'm being fucking serious here, stop calling her _'our' _wife!"

"Well, why the fuck should I?"

"It sounds fucking awkward, that's why!"

"No, it doesn't! She was married to both of us, so why shouldn't I-"

"It sounds like we're two faggots or something-"

"How the hell does it sound like that? Seriously. Give me one example."

"Just stop saying it, ok? It's fucking creepy. And besides, if she's anyone's wife, she's _my_ wife. We were married for five years. You guys were married for three days."

"Are you-are you being serious right now? Dude, you're an idiot."

"Three days versus five years is like trying to compare your son with a kid you see at Mcdonald's."

"No. No. You are fucking wrong. You better stop. I can't believe you're so narrow-minded!"

"Narrow-minded, wha-"

"Are you seriously trying to put a temporal condition on love like that? Do you seriously think just because you loved her _longer_, that you somehow have some sort of advantage over me as her husband?"

"Yeah, cause it's fucking _true-_"

"No, it's fucking not! I'll have you know, those three days were filled with pure, blissful happiness on both of our parts-"

"Did you do her?"

"What-no. No, I didn't. Our love was innocent and wholesome-"

"I did her. After every battle."

"Well, you know what, fuck you! I guess that's why her dead body was so loose, bitch!"

"Just means you were a bad _fit_, you sick fuck."

"Ok, fine! I never fucked her! You happy! You happy now, you arrogant ballkicking teabagging douchenozzle!" cried Melee.

"Douchenozzle, what the hell is-"

"I don't know! Ok? I'm crying inside right now and I'm totally brokenhearted because I never got a piece of that fine ass! Just fuck off, alright! FUCK OFF!"

"...Look, man. I went too far. And I was going to apologize. But then you went on and sexually fetishized my wife. So, cry your heart out, prick."

"Our wife."

"No! SHUT UP! NO!"

"She picked ME over YOU! You get it now, cocktus!"

"YOU FUCKING KIDNAPPED HER FROM THE BATTLEFIELD AND THEN GOT MARRIED BY A TRAVELING PRIEST!"

"And she accepted!"

"Ok, whatever! You know what? I'm just going to call her by her name, like a proper husband."

"She had a name?"

"Of course she had a name!"

"What was it?"

"For your information, it was Millet."

"Millet? Are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious. Her name was Millet."

"Like, the grain."

"Yeah."

"...Who the fuck named her?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Millet? That's like a whore name!"

"No, it's not!"

"Is too! That's like some name you'd give to a hobo in a trashbin. Like calling them Beans or Rice."

"I'll have you know, plenty of respectable people have been named Millet and Rice."

"Oh, like that painter who inspired the fucking gay dude who cut his ear off."

"That's a gross misunderstanding! He was not gay! It's just a distortion of history!"

"And I'm sure Rice wrote about gay vampires."

"For fuck's sake, do you just have to pull gay out of everything? It's not even funny, it's just demeaning and homophobic!"

"I'm trying to fix a mangled heart! You started this shit!"

"Her name was Millet! Ok? Millet! There's nothing wrong with being named Millet!"

"Ok. At least it's an indicator of how good she tasted."

"Ahaha, very funny. Shut up, you virgin."

The two minions walked on in silence, both fuming violently inside.

"Look, Caster-"

"Melee. Shut up."

"I just want to say, I'm sorry."

"..."

"I know she was important to you. I'm not trying to take your place or anything."

"...Yeah, ok. I'm sorry too. I was being an ass about this whole marriage thing."

"We're bros-in-law. I think we just have to accept that fact."

"I don't care about that. It's just, sort of a shock, you know? Finding out my wife-"

"_Our_ wife."

"_Millet_ married another guy. And died. Because of Katarina. Fucking Katarina."

"I know, seriously. I couldn't believe it. She's not even viable in the meta anymore."

Caster sighed and came to a stop. He looked up at the bright sky and rubbed his face furiously.

"I...I don't even know what to think! How am I supposed to react to this kind of shit?"

"...Caster."

Melee strode over and clamped a supportive hand on Caster's shoulder.

"This is total mindfuck, Melee..."

"Caster. I've been thinking...and...I've finally come to a conclusion."

"...Yeah? What's that?"

"...Millet sounds pretty hot actually."

Caster punched Melee so hard that he bounced off the ground and smashed into a turret.

"You know what? That made me feel better. Thanks, Melee."

"...I deserved that."

* * *

><p>The sound of air being displaced, a soft roar that faded delicately away into the background, filled Ashe's ears. Her eyes slowly opened, the piercing green irises staring unfalteringly forward as her vision dimmed and sharpened. The scent of wood, moist grass, the faint faint touch of rotting blood...a single breath was enough to comprehend the nature of the Rift.<p>

A place on the sheer edge of battle.

Surrounding her, the other champions were standing stock-still, their bodies adjusting from their transfer to the Rift.

To Ashe's right, Sona took a deep breath of the air, only to sigh with exasperation.

"It's such an ambivalent scent...who would have thought that the air could have such a sweet, lingering fragrance of peace, yet also contain the sharp, bitter note of blood?"

"Are you going to talk in poetry for the rest of the battle?" asked Ashe with a small smile.

"Of course not," replied Sona, her voice echoing in Ashe's mind.

"Tired of high society already?"

"Say what you want, Ashe. We're not in society anymore."

"True."

"Move aside, Frost Archer."

Ashe's eyes lowered to the pulsing purple blade that accompanied the distorted, alien voice. Looking back up, she found Kassadin's yellow eyes boring into hers, as intensely and unbearably as the sun.

"Pardon me, Kassadin," said Ashe, stepping to the side. Kassadin's eyes did not deviate from hers.

"Keep yourself out of my path, Frost Archer. Although you may be the Queen of Freljord, I am **King** of this battlefield."

Kassadin floated past Ashe without another word and headed for the middle lane.

"Rude guy, isn't he?" said Sona telepathically.

"Well, he has every right to say so. He is our mid carry, after all."

Ashe stepped out of the fountain, her cloak trailing gently behind her.

"Vayne and Alistar at bottom. It looks like we'll have a rough time."

"Well, we're not such a bad combo either," said Sona. "But you're right. It is an annoying match-up."

"I suppose it wouldn't be much of a battle without proper opponents," said Ashe, still smiling. "Wouldn't it be disrespectful to hold back against someone who places their life on the line?"

"Yeah, but try and hold back, Ashe. I'm no TryndameeEEERE!"

Sona squealed as one hand suddenly clamped onto one of her breasts and another seized Ashe's.

"Ohohoho! Quite the treasures INDEED, ladies!"

Master Yi ducked and dodged as Sona's _etwahl_ swung at his head.

"What do you think you're doing, Yi?" said Ashe, her hand returning the arrow she had drawn from her quiver.

"Sampling the goods, as they would say," said Yi, grinning from ear to ear.

"You're the worst, you know that?" said Sona, one arm covering her ample chest.

"That may be true, dear Sona, but I assure you, you are clearly one of the _best_," said Yi, flexing his fingers suggestively.

"Go sexually harrass your sword, you jerk."

"So, you're our jungle today, Yi?"

"Correct, Ashe! And don't worry. When Vayne ends up raping you against the wall, I will come down and save you."

"Thank you, Yi. Your diligence always amazes me."

"Of course, of course! It is the least I can do. Now, if you don't mind, would you care to return the favor...in _advance_?" said Yi, his goggles extending forward anxiously.

"Sorry, but that would ruin the equal standing we've worked so hard to gain," said Ashe, pushing his goggles back.

"Ahh...shame. But no matter. I'll simply await your presence in a more...private environment."

"I'll look forward to it, Yi."

"You and Kassadin...why are all the men total pigs on our team?" remarked Sona with a disapproving glare.

"Pigs are among the cleanest animals in the world. Of course, our hearts are as sublime and crystal-clear as their hygiene."

"You have a heart? I thought all your blood went through your dick."

"Oh, you're as alluring as ever, Sona. Talk to me more in that dirty voice."

"Shut up."

"Now, come Sona! I require your leash for the Blue Golem."

"No way."

"Ah, you disappoint me, Sona. To think that you would put your perfectly-justified fears for your impeccable body before the well-being of your comrades. Aren't you a warrior, Sona Buvelle!"

"Don't make me laugh, Yi. There's no way I'm going to go with you alone into the jungle-"

"Go on ahead, Sona. I'll catch up to you later," said Ashe as she purchased Boots of Speed from the store.

"Ashe, you can't be serious-"

"Come, Sona! Let us make sweet, sweet love in the dark jungle! I mean, let us make sweet, sweet love in the dark jungle!"

"You didn't correct a thing, you pervert!"

"Your body needs no correction," said Yi, whisking Sona into his arms.

"LET ME GO, RIGHT NOW YOU-!"

Yi activated Ghost and ran off with Sona in tow.

"You didn't have to waste that, Yi..." said Ashe wryly.

"Excuse me, Ashe."

"Oh, I'm sorry Irelia. It seems I'm getting in everyone's way today."

"No, it was no trouble."

"You're heading to top?"

"Yes," said Irelia, touching the regrowth pendant around her neck. "May luck be with you on the battlefield."

"Same to you, Irelia. Good luck."

Irelia nodded and started off towards top lane. Ashe watched her departing figure for a minute, then turned back to the store.

"Three pots, please."

"Three pots? Of course. Three pots! It's not like you want two pots or one pot, right? Or, god forbid, four pots! Now that'd be a fucking miracle right there, wouldn't it!"

The owner gnashed his teeth violently as he rummaged in the back for health potions.

"Is there a problem?" asked Ashe.

"No. No problem at all! It's not like anything is else is bought with boots! What about a sight ward, huh? Or maybe, you know, JUST MAYBE you could just run off with your fucking boots and call it a fucking day! I mean, holy Doran's, do you fucking know how many boots I have here? I have fucking like ten thousand boots sitting under my ass because people like buying pots. FUCK POTS! THEY'RE CHEAP, THEY'RE FUCKING WORTHLESS, AND YOU GUYS JUST FUCKING DRINK THAT SHIT DOWN, LIKE IT'S FUCKING FINE WINE OR SOMETHING!"

"Thanks for the pots. Here's your money."

"Pleasure doing business."

"Yi, that fucker! I can't believe he just did that!"

"I don't care if he is a champion, I'm going to rip his fucking balls off the moment he gets back-"

Ashe turned her head towards the trees behind the store. Suddenly, the foliage shook, as if in response to her movement.

"Shit, she sees us! Move the fuck out of the way!"

"Damn, those tits-!"

"GO! GO!"

The foliage continued to rustle as two purple blurs flickered through its shadowy spaces. Ashe frowned and stared at the trees thoughtfully.

"Minions...?"

* * *

><p><strong>an: **Champions came. Shit just got serious.


	4. F-Cup Idol

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"Hey, Caster. Can I ask you some-"<p>

"No. You fucking cannot. I swear to whatever god we have in lore, I will fucking slash your throat while you are sleeping if you ask me a question. That is not the fucking way you start an introduction!"

"Look, Caster-"

"I mean, the first time, sure! It's interesting and it'll be a great way to get some discussion started without, you know, feeling like you're stuffing someone's face with exposition. But, damn it, this is like the third time this kind of cop-out starting line has been used ever since we walked out of the fucking base. I'm not taking it anymore! You know what, you can fuck yourself!"

"...What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I don't know. Just give me something better to work with."

"Ok, fine. Let's talk about Zeke's Herald."

"What the heck is that?"

"It's the newly revamped Stark's Fervor."

"What the heck is that?"

"It used to be a 2550g item with a ridiculous aura that only people who had a ton of money to spend got."

"What the heck is aura?"

"Enough with the sarcasm, ok?"

"I'll be completely honest. Who buys that crap?"

"Supports do! Some AD carries that want a little boost for the rest of their team...those kinds of people."

"An AD carry that wants to support the rest of the team...Melee. Are you like...drinking gasoline or something?"

"What the fuck is gasoline?"

"Forget it. Let's not even get into this. I know, maybe there's a bunch of content worth talking about in Zeke's Herald, but as far as I'm concerned, if it's a support item, then let me put on this Yao Ming mask."

"Yao Ming, what the fuck is-wow. Come on! Dude! Don't!"

Caster stared at Melee with the Yao Ming mask on his face.

"Where the fuck did you get that?"

"Riot Store."

"Really? No way."

"Yeah, I'm just kidding. They'd never put this shit on there."

"Seriously, though. Where'd you get that?"

"Millet made it for me."

Melee suddenly fell quiet.

"What?"

"...Millet never made me anything."

"You only knew her for three days. Man up."

"Well, yeah, but...it's sorta unfair...I mean...I was her husband too..."

"Would you get over it already?"

"It's not something I can just get over! I mean, you already have your Yao Ming mask, so maybe you don't understand what's it like being married, but unappreciated! Like, what am I, just a histress?"

"No, you're a fucking pool boy."

"Shut up."

"Look, if you're going to cry that much over it...here."

"What the fuck is this?"

"It's the only other mask Millet made. You can have it."

"Really? Are you being serious?"

"Yeah."

"Dude...man. I don't know what to say."

"It's cool, Melee."

"Really, you don't know how much this means to me."

"Forget about it."

"Ok. Could you...uh...drop the mask?"

"What?"

"Like, drop it on the ground."

"...Sure?"

Caster tossed the mask onto the ground.

"Millet! You sent me a mask from heaven!"

Caster slapped a hand over his eyes.

"I don't even have the heart to..."

"Oh, Millet. You really shouldn't have. This is amazing. I love you."

Melee put on the Forever Alone mask.

"How do I look?"

"Great. Now, let's get going. I don't even know where the fuck we are anymore."

* * *

><p>"Alright, all of you jerk-offs, gather around! We're having a fucking meeting!"<p>

The minions gathered around obediently, although the chatter among them was still building into substantial background noise. The purple Caster minion raised his hand and waited for silence.

Which he never got. But that was the usual.

"Ok, so, the champions for today are Kassadin, Master Yi, Irelia, Ashe, and **Sona**."

A wave of groans had escaped the minion crowd as exchanges of money and brand new socks were made at the listing of the first few champions. However, the entire army went deathly silent as the final champion was named.

"...Did you say Sona?" a brave minion finally plucked the courage to ask.

"Yeah. We have Sona on our team."

"We're talking, F-cup Sona, right?"

"Yeah, F-cup Sona."

The silence loomed for several more seconds.

Then, a deafening roar rose from the minion army.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

"YEAHHHH! YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"SONA'S ON OUR TEAM! SONNAAA'S ON OUR TEAM!"

"FUCK YEAH! HOW MANY FUCKING MATCHES HAS IT BEEN!"

"I'M GOING TO GO SOLO BARON AFTER I SEE SONA, WHO WANTS TO COME WITH ME!"

"SHIT, I'M DOWN!"

"SONNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I LOVEEEE YOUUU!"

"WHERE'S THAT PORNO, SONA!"

"HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE!"

"DAMN, SOMEONE GET ME SOME BINOCULAURS, CAUSE I'VE GOT SONA'S TWINS WAITING FOR ME!"

"Ok, ok. Everyone, calm down."

"SONA!"

"MARRY ME, BITCH-GAH!"

"I JUST KILLED THE FAGGOT WHO CALLED YOU A BITCH, SONA!"

"Fucking shit, these guys are worse than PC."

"Well, it's Sona. What do you expect?"

"Yeah, you're right. Here, you take the mic for a minute. SONAAAAAA! !"

The purple Caster minion stood up and started thrusting his pelvis furiously into the air. The entire minion army cheered and followed his lead, all the while calling Sona's name as loudly as their lungs would allow them to.

"I JUST WANNA GET THOSE BUNS AND WRAP THEM AROUND MY HOT DOG!"

"NOT IF I GET THEM FIRST!"

"WOO! WOO! YEAAAHHHH SONNAAAAA, BABY!"

"Damn, those tits! Jesus, I'd fuck the fucking dragon in the ass just to touch those tits!"

"Forget the dragon, I'd fuck a fucking Infinity Edge to get Sona to rub me down!"

"LET ME TOUCH YOUR FEET, SONA!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you, dickwad!"

"Yeah, what the fuck, man. Feet?"

"You're fucking sick."

"Get the fuck out of here."

"Don't fucking touch me!"

"Shit, man! You just RUINED IT. RUINED IT, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

"KILL THIS FUCK!"

"FUCK YOU! WHAT'S WRONG WITH FEET, HUH!"

"EVERYTHING'S WRONG WITH IT, YOU FUCKING ASSWIPE."

"YEAH! YOU SHOULD BE GOING FOR HER ARMPIT, YOU CUNT!"

"Armpit? Wowwwwww, what the fuuucck are you guys on?"

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm just saying, shit, you guys have some fucking weird fetishes."

"It's not a fucking weird fetish, it's a fucking legitimate interest, you fuck."

"Yeah, you wanna say that to my face?"

"Bring it, hoebag!"

"Hey, you fucking minions in the fucking front! Shut the fuck up! We're having a fucking meeting! Now, if you want to settle some Sona fanboy shit, go fucking do it outside. And hopefully, you guys get fucking killed while you're at it. Feet and armpits? Fuck off."

"I'm pro-360."

"Wow, this faggot actually made that joke."

"Holllyyy shit. We have a fucking comedian here."

"Hahaha, you're killing me!"

"What? I don't fucking get it. Someone explain."

"You know, now that I think about it, those tits are probably going to be taken. Fuck that shit. I'm going armpits then."

"What the fuck is wrong with you! Seriously, what the fuck, you guys? Armpits?"

"What, and you think there's something better out there? What kind of sick shit are you going to bring up? Her esophagus?"

"Well..."

"Obviously the back of her knee, you dumbfucks!"

"SONA, I LOVE YOU!"

Ashe watched as the minion army began arguing over which one of Sona's body parts was the most attractive. She had initially wandered off to greet the minions, but the huge burst of noise suddenly blasting her eardrums had made her take refuge behind one of the Nexus turrets.

"As I thought, these minions are all going to...continue using extremely vulgar language."

Ashe smiled and rested her head against the turret. Although she wasn't used to such foul dialogue, it was refreshing to hear something other than the sophistry she usually heard as Queen of Freljord. Even among just champions, there was a small sense of distance and respect keeping them civil, but these minions seemed to have no qualms in defecating on one another through sheer verbal abuse.

Not that Ashe enjoyed it. It was after two more minutes of listening to these minions that Ashe couldn't help but retch, almost losing her stomach in the process.

"Alright, alright. Settle down. We all want to bone Sona, but any more than this and we'll turn into a gay sausage fest, so shut the fuck up already!"

Silence immediately conquered the minions. Shortly after, a high minion voice punctured said silence.

"What do you mean gay sausage fest? I'll have you know, I'm a female minion and I want to schlick Sona like there's no tomorrow!"

"Damn, that's hot."

"Hey, how come I haven't seen you around my place, baby?"

"Shut up, you fucking losers. I'm through with your guys' fucking premature launch times."

"Wait a minute, who are you? I haven't seen a female minion in years."

"Nah, just kidding. It's me, guys."

"Oh, wow! You fuck! That actually sounded like a chick!"

"Hahaha! Good one, man!"

"Yeah, I seriously believed a chick minion was here for a minute."

"Right. A female minion."

"What's that?"

"A myth."

"I heard the blue minions have chicks."

"For reals? What the fuck, man?"

"Minions, minions. We have Sona, they have Vayne."

The minion army burst into uproarious laughter.

"Yeah, I'd rather fuck Sona than a female minion."

"There's not even a point to female minions. Our lifespans are like two turrets, give or take."

"Shit, I just broke No-Fap February."

"What, are you kidding me?"

"You go along with those kinds of retarded events?"

"Get this guy some Sona action. He needs it more than we do!"

"I LOVE YOU SONA!"

"FUCK! SHUT UP, YOU COCKSUCKING, HORSEFUCKING, MANWHORING PIECE OF SHIT!"

"Alright, guys. Back to the agenda. So, like usual, we're splitting up into top, mid, and bot lanes. Everyone good with that?"

"Why don't we do something original for once? Like, all mid?"

"Hey, troll. No one likes you. Get the fuck out."

"I'm just saying! Sheesh!"

"I second that motion. I fucking hate going bot."

"Mid's the shortest route. We should all fucking go mid."

"You guys are fucking talking like you're fucking champions. We're fucking minions. If we don't fucking go top and bot, then what the fuck are the champions going to do? Suck ass?"

"Who cares about champions."

"Sona's going mid, right?"

"All mid, ftw."

"Let's go, you fuckers. I don't mind sharing."

"You're disgusting. Give me five, brother."

"We don't know where the champions are fucking going. All we know is that Yi is going to be jungle."

"Great. At least we don't have to see that cocksucker on the field."

"Yeah, seriously. What a faggot. Do you know what he told me last time I saw him? 'Oh, poor little minion. Do you want me to save you? Oh, I'm sorry. I need to stand here and fucking wank off to heal myself.'"

"What a douchebag."

"What are you guys talking about? Master Yi's the fucking most badass champion on the entire League."

"Oh, we have a gay suck-up here."

"Fuck you. Yi's a piece of shit."

"Yi's fucking better than Vladimir. Oh, let me just turn into a puddle and run the fuck away while my minions die in the front lines."

"Anyways! Moving on! According to our decisions, here are the lanes that you are going to be attacking in for the remainder of the battle. Listen carefully and no fucking interruptions!"

The purple Caster minion recited names off and the minion army began to divide up into three groups. Surprisingly, it only took a couple of minutes before the army had been split up properly and all was prepared for battle.

"What the fuck is this?"

"Why the fuck are there only two Caster minions on bot lane!"

"Look, don't fucking complain. This was done in a completely unbiased, objective selection process. More Caster minions were sent to top since there's only going to be one champion in that lane."

"What the fuck, when has that kind of shit ever happened!"

"Irelia would go top, right?"

"Yeah, and Kassadin owns mid."

"Which means..."

"..."

"So, let's start moving out, minions!"

"...Yeah, whatever. Let's go."

"Shit, I didn't even get to see Sona. There was only fucking Ashe over there near the turret."

"Ashe has pretty nice tits too."

"They're fucking covered up though."

"Damn it, you're right."

"Redesign plz, Riot."

"Foshizzle."

"Who the fuck are you guys talking to?"

And so, with that, the minions were just minutes away from leaving for the battlefield.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **_Delays on the next chapter...may last couple weeks worst case. take this time to show your friends..._


	5. The Announcer is called Summoner Lady?

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"Caster! Caster! Hold on a sec!"<p>

"Hurry up, Melee. The longer we take to get to their base, the faster Katarina will level."

"That's what I'm saying! Would you stop for a second and listen to me!"

Caster finally ceased his relentless march and turned around.

"Wait, what the hell? Where are you?"

"Over here!" came Melee's distant cry.

"Holy shit. You're still at the entrance turret!"

"Yeah, no kidding, kidding, kidding..."

Caster sat down and waited for Melee to arrive, polishing off all of the food they had brought in the process.

"Haa...haa...I'm...I'm here," panted Melee, hands on knees and tongue hanging out of his mouth.

"Jesus Melee...you're fucking slow."

"I know. I haven't worked out in ages."

"Why didn't you buy boots?"

"You think I'm rich or something! How the fuck did you get boots?"

"I took one during my inventory shift. When else?"

"What? You can do that?"

"No. But who's going to know? It's not like Summoners check what we do after the battle."

"Good point."

"Anyways, here's a spare pair of boots."

"Jeez, Caster. I feel really bad. You've been giving me stuff all day..."

"Yeah, well, hurry the fuck up if you want to thank me."

"Can I get a sandwich too? I'm really hungry after that run..."

"Uh...sorry. *cough* some stray dogs stole it from me."

"Aw, serious! Shit, where'd they go? I'm going to fucking kill them!"

"Look, we have something more important to kill!"

"What are we going to do without food?"

"I don't know," said Caster, feeling exceptionally full from the sandwiches. "I guess we'll have to starve. But we can handle it, right? It's only a couple of days max."

"I guess. Makes me feel better knowing you're going through it with me, man."

"Yeah, well, what are bros for? Anyways, let's get going."

"Hold on! There's something important I have to tell you."

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Your shoes are untied."

"Oh, really? Thanks-THAT'S NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT!"

"Yeah it is. What if you fought against Katarina and tripped?"

"Like fuck I'm going to trip! I'm a fucking Caster! I just shoot little bolts of energy!"

"Are you trying to imply something?"

"Wha-no, what the hell are you talking about?"

"It sounds like you're trying to say you're better than me because you don't have to get into close combat."

"Holy fucking shit, Melee. Are you being serious about this? Jesus Christ, ever since I gave you that Forever Alone mask, you've been acting like you have a fucking inferiority complex or something."

"Look, I'm just saying that just because you're a Caster doesn't make you any different from other minions, ok!"

"This isn't a fucking competition. It doesn't fucking matter whether or not I'm different. And for your information, I am fucking different. Do you notice I have a wand and you have a fucking sword and shield?"

"Look, you bitch, I'm just saying-"

"That's all you ever fucking say! I'm just saying! Is that your catchphrase or something?"

"Yeah, got a problem with that!"

"SHUT UP!"

Caster and Melee both jumped as a loud cry descended on them from the heavens.

"OW, HOLY FUCK!"

"MY EARS!"

"SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK, you BITCH!"

"THAT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT SUMMONER LADY? WHY DON'T _YOU _SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING WHORE!"

"Jesus Christ, YOU NEARLY TORE MY EARDRUM, YOU SLUT!" screamed Caster at the sky.

"This entire time, you two have been arguing! Can't you see that you're just tearing yourselves apart!"

"Oh my god..."

"Hahaha, wow. People still say that kind of shit in this time and age?"

"Look, lady," started Caster, staring exasperately at the sky. "We're fucking minions, ok? It's not in our job description to get along with each other. Haven't you fucking noticed all of us talk like fucking assholes and douchebags?"

"Yeah, seriously. Does it look like we really hate each other?" said Melee.

"Well..."

"Well, you're wrong," said Melee.

"..." The Summoner Lady's silence seemed almost like sulking in the aftermath of her booming outburst.

"Sniff..."

"Oh, Jesus Christ. You made her cry."

"What! No, I didn't! She just started crying on her own!"

"Shut up, Melee. This is why you're just a second-rate husband."

"You fuck!"

"HUSBAND!"

"OW!"

"SHUT UP, YOU BITCH!"

"Y-You have a wife, Melee?" asked the Summoner Lady.

"Had," corrected Melee, digging a pinky furiously into his ear. "I was married to his ex-wife. We're bros-in-law."

"...You got married."

"Yeah. To a hot minion chick."

"..."

"No fucking way," said Caster, a small chuckle rising from his throat. "No fucking way! You're crushing on Melee!"

"W-What! W-What are you talking about!"

"What?"

"She's totally crushing on you, Melee," said Caster. "Only a jealous bitch would talk like that after hearing you got married. Normal women wouldn't believe it."

"Hey."

"N-No! I don't-it's not like that!"

"Just admit it, you dumb bitch."

"I DON'T LIKE MELEE!"

"SHUT UP! YOU'RE FUCKING MY EARS!"

"I-It's not like after I saw him brave Katarina down by using a perfect Lee Sin impression that I fell for his rugged good looks and amazing aura of pheromones or anything!"

"...Holy shit, you're fucking messed up."

"Who's she talking about?"

"Shut up, Melee."

"D-Don't you tell him to shut up!"

"You fucking tramp! BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!"

"Come on Caster, aren't you being a little harsh on her? She's just a girl..."

"Melee, for fuck's sake! Shut your fucking mouth before I ram this wand into your fucking rectum-"

"R-RECTUM!"

"OW!"

"SHIT!"

"Y-You...you two are in that kind of relationship!"

"WHAT!" exploded Caster, wiping the blood from his ears. "BITCH! SHUT UP BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING UNFORGIVEABLE!"

"Like I said, we're bros-in-laws-"

"INCEST!"

"SHUT UP!"

After a few more minutes of intensive shouting, Caster was finally able to get Melee and the Summoner Lady to quiet down. Panting heavily from the ridiculous exhaustion his body was now experiencing, Caster lowered himself into a seating position on the ground in order to recuperate.

"So, you're the one that says 'Welcome to Summoner's Rift!' all the time, right?" asked Melee, looking up at the sky.

"Yeah! Yeah, that's me!"

"You sound different in person."

"Oh...I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your expectations. I didn't mean to have a worthless voice that sounds different from my announcing. I'm sorry that I'm such a bad announcer. I should just uninstall myself from the resources pack," said the Summoner Lady in a mournful voice.

"Huh? No, I didn't mean anything like that! I'm just saying, it's a little...refreshing, I guess?"

"Re-Refreshing?" repeated the Summoner Lady, sounding remarkably more cheerful.

"Yeah. Cause I usually hear you from across the map, so talking to you normally like this is a pretty new experience for me."

"Oh...well...I've always been watching you, Melee," said the Summoner Lady shyly.

"Oh really? Thanks! You know, it's nice to be appreciated, because I think that minions don't get a whole lot of respect for the work they do-"

"How did I end up getting two idiots to meet each other?" mumbled Caster as his lungs slowly began to inflate again. "It's like watching daytime television..."

"So I was saying, we should just boycott the Nexus! Since, what the fuck are they going to do? Tank through two turrets and an inhibitor to come kill us? At level one? Yeah, right. They can't do shit without us! But they're the ones that get all the benefits, all the fame, all the fucking admiration-"

"You're right! That's so wrong of them!" agreed the Summoner Lady. "They really should treat you guys better!"

"You see! Even the Summoner Lady gets it. Hey, Caster, you hearing this?"

"I'm glad you got another supporter for your fucking boycott, Melee."

"Sheesh, what's with the sarcasm? Baron got up your ass?"

"Have you forgotten that we're here to fucking kill Katarina! Do you have any fucking idea how much time we're wasting talking to this dumb bitch! She could be level five by now for all the fuck we know!"

"Yeah, Katarina's leveling when the battle hasn't even started yet."

"Well...that's not..."

"Caster, you need to chill the fuck out. You think Millet would like it if you just jumped headfirst at Katarina and died?"

"...I can't believe I'm being lectured by you."

"Oh, I just remembered what I was going to really tell you instead of saying your shoes were untied."

"That was a fucking cover-up line?"

"Yeah? What retard would say something like 'your shoe is untied' so seriously?"

Caster didn't respond. The only reason he had been tricked was because the possibility with Melee was extremely high. He felt a little better about himself after thinking that.

"I didn't know minions wore shoes..." remarked the Summoner Lady.

"I don't since this fucker still hasn't given me mine," said Melee, clearly upset.

"Trade you for your mask."

"Fuck you!"

"Alright, alright. So, what the fuck were you going to tell me?"

"Right. I realized while we were running up here that we're forgetting something really important."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"Is Katarina even in today's battle?"

Caster was infected with such an excruciating case of dumbstruck that he literally collapsed onto his knees, gasping for air.

"How...how!"

"Yeah, see? I can't believe we totally forgot about that."

"How could I have made such a mistake? Such a Melee mistake!"

"What?"

"It's you! Hanging around you has rotted my brain! Get out of here, Melee! Just get the fuck out of here!"

"Look man, we all make mistakes-"

"SHUT UP! STOP INFECTING ME WITH YOUR STUPIDITY!"

"DON'T YELL AT MELEE!" shrieked the Summoner Lady, bursting the two minions' eardrums once more.

"FUCK! Shit! I'm getting used to it now, but it still fucking hurts!" said Melee, clenching his ears.

"Listen, you fucking bitch," started Caster, one eye barely able to endure the pain and stay open. "If you don't fucking learn to control your fucking voice, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FUCKING LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE! YOU'RE A FUCKING SHITBAG WHORE THAT'S BEEN CONTRIBUTING SHIT TO THIS CONVERSATION! SO, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, FUCK OFF! YOU SLUT! YOU CUM DUMPSTER! GO FUCK PHREAK IN THE ASS FOR ALL I CARE. JUST GET YOUR FUCKING DEMONSPAWN VOICE OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU FUCKING MAKE ME DEAF!"

"..eee...uuu..." whimpered the Summoner Lady. Both Caster and Melee froze as the booming voice took an intake of breath.

"Oh, shit!"

"WAIT, WAIT! SUMMONER LADY-!"

But it was too late. The teary tirade was already forming in the air, like the roar from an approaching tidal wave. Any moment, the sheer destructive force of the Summoner Lady's voice would sweep through all of Summoner's Rift, surely obliterating everything in its path and leaving behind only a swathe of chaotic destruction.

In that split-second before the end arrived, Melee's instincts forced his mouth open and spewed the magic words.

"MARRY ME, DAMN IT!"

The silence that followed was absolute. The complete opposite of the force that should've turned the two minions into dust. It was truly as if Melee had gone deaf. Had the Summoner Lady's scream destroyed his ears so quickly that he didn't feel the pain?

"...Really?"

Guess not.

"No, I just said that to shut you up-"

Caster's hand immediately slapped over Melee's mouth.

"Of course! Minion never goes back on his word! We're soldiers, right? _RIGHT, you lucky fucking bastard, you!_" said Caster, his eyes drilling so hard into Melee's that it wouldn't have been a surprise to see blood squirting from his ocular orfices.

"Mmmff, mmfff!"

"Look, I don't give a shit if your eyes are bleeding. _You shut the fuck up, you hear me?"_ hissed Caster, cracking Melee's jaw with his vicegrip in order to emphasize his message. Melee's resistance faded and he hung slack under Caster's palm. The whites of his eyes were shining clear in a pool of red.

"I-I'm so happy, Melee," said the Summoner Lady tearfully.

"Yeah, yeah. He's happy too," said Caster, tossing Melee to the side. "You know any traveling priests around here?"

A couple minutes later, Melee was officially married to his second wife.

"Oh, oh! Isn't this a little fast? We weren't even dating..."

"You say that after you took your fucking vows?" said Caster, throwing the carnation on his robe away. "So, you'll be all happy and quiet now, right?"

"Yes. I promise to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part, Melee as my lawfully wedded husband, and that I'll learn to shut the fuck up whenever I'm not doing my announcer duties."

"Great. That's splendid. I wish you guys great happiness," said Caster, wiping the sweat off his brow. Well, at least that was one nuisance out of his way.

"Thank you, Caster. You've been so supportive of my relationship with Melee. How can I ever repay you?"

"Like I said, just keep your marriage vows, and we'll call it even. You're my sister-in-law now. I guess. Sort of."

"Thank you so much," said Summoner Lady, weeping slightly. "But I really have to thank you. Is there anything you want?"

"No, really. Just keep your marriage vows. _KEEP THEM_."

"Oh, right. I just remembered. You two were wondering if Katarina was in this battle, right?"

"Shit! I totally forgot about that. Fuck!" Caster banged his wand against Melee's head in agitation. "How the fuck do I find out whether Katarina's in today's battle or not?"

"I have the list of today's participants. Do you want me to tell you?"

It took a few moments for those undeniably audible words to penetrate Caster's thought process. He turned his head slowly up to the sky in response.

"Say that again, bitch?"

* * *

><p><strong>an:**_ Thanks for all the reviews, guys/girls. Feedback helps me see if I'm still pushing the right buttons. Glad you're enjoying it so far._

_On another note, writing this has brought some unintended consequences to my life._

_I'm starting to instant message like a minion. Oh boy. _

_Next, I'll be talking like a minion...better think up more creative cursing...  
><em>


	6. Mixer

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"Looks like they're headed off."<p>

Primey was sitting at the outer edge of the top turret, his small figure dwarfed by the enormous bulk of PC. A cloud of fumes from PC's cigar was covering them like a smokescreen, making it difficult for them to see the hubbub going on about Sona.

Still, that didn't mean they couldn't hear.

"Why...why the hell did I sit next to this fatass?" mumbled Primey, burying his face in his hands. Because of the noxious smoke, he hadn't been able to see Sona before she got whisked away by Yi. Damn that bastard Yi! How could he just take the treasure of the team away like he owned her or something!

"If I wasn't a minion..."

"But you are, Primey. Don't forget that." Unexpectedly, PC seemed to have heard all of Primey's quiet ramblings.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," muttered Primey, ignoring PC.

"That's right, Primey. Get it all out of your system. You gotta concentrate when you get on the battlefield."

"SHUT UP! Jesus, your advice is total horseshit! Stop talking like you know anything, you fucking tower of lard! I'm not fucking worried about the fucking battle, damn it! I didn't get to see Sona! Do you know how fucking mortified I am right now!"

Primey panted hard after his angry ranting and averted his gaze from the calmly smoking PC. PC blew out a long, wide cloud of smoke before taking a deep breath in order to make his response.

"Well, shit. Ah didn't get to see her either."

"AND WHOSE FUCKING FAULT IS THAT, HUH!" screamed Primey, nearly tearing his hood to shreds.

PC took another long pull from his cigar. The area around them seemed to tremor slightly as PC moved his body slightly forward so that he could slouch on his legs. One large yellowed eye rolled over to Primey, who jumped at PC's sudden gaze.

"Ah think you're feeling down, Primey. Tell PC what's troubling you."

"Holy shit, I've never wanted to fucking kill someone so badly..." said Primey as he ground his teeth. "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING HAM! Do you know how long I've wanted to see Sona! Do you know how fucking legendary she is among the minions! She's a fucking goddess, you hear me! A FUCKING GODDESS. But because of you...BECAUSE OF YOU, I COULDN'T FUCKING SEE HER AT ALL! AND NOW...now...I'll never see her..."

Primey pressed his palms against his eyes and started to cry. PC kept silent as Primey sobbed, his emotions for the abducted Sona pouring out through his incessant sniveling.

"I mean...it's not like we get anything else, you know? We're fucking meatshields. That's all we fucking are," said Primey, sniffing loudly as phlegm began to drip from his mouth and nose. "We don't get fucking money, our lifespans are short as hell, and there's no fucking girls here. Do you know what this is like? This is fucking hell! This is hell, I tell you! But...even though we're fucking abused, even though we're fucking thrown away like fucking trashbags, even though we don't even get a fucking thank you when we fucking die, I thought it'd be alright. I thought, fuck it, I'll do it! You know why? Cause the female champions are fucking hot. And Sona is the fucking hottest of them all. You don't see fucking babes like that anywhere else! I thought, damn it, if I'm going to die, at the very least, I'll get some fucking eyecandy for it. BUT YOU! YOU FUCKING RUINED IT ALL!"

PC exhaled again before plucking the cigar from his lips with two fat fingers. He tapped the cigar and then clamped it between his teeth again.

"Why didn't you just go look then, Primey?"

That was his cool response.

"BECAUSE YOU WERE SITTING ON ME FOR THE PAST FUCKING HOUR, YOU FUCKING WHALE!"

PC took another moment before answering.

"Ah didn't realize. Sorry, Primey."

"FUCK YOU!"

PC returned to silence as Primey began to sob again. In the distance, the rest of the minions were heading towards their posts, chattering and discussing in lively tones. There were many, who like Primey, had missed the arrival of Sona. But unlike the rest, these minions were not new recruits, meaning they had friends who took pictures for them.

Primey's only friend was a fatfuck named PC. The number one hated minion on the purple team.

Right now, Primey was not only crying for missing out on Sona. He was crying for his misfortune at meeting this fucktard and becoming involved with him.

"Damn it...if I knew things were going to turn out like this, I wouldn't have become a minion in the first place-"

"PRIMEY!"

Primey jumped violently at PC's shout. PC was glaring at him with fury flaring in his eyes.

"W-What! What's your problem!"

"Shut up," said PC coldly. Primey's mouth clamped down immediately by reflex. When he noticed his body's involuntary movement, Primey touched his mouth, feeling a shudder crawling up his spine. What was going on? He had never seen PC like this before. His expression held so much anger that it was as if the emotion was carved into his face.

"Ah don't care if you hate me. Ah don't care if you're depressed or if you hate your life. That's fine. That's normal. But don't you _ever_ say some shit like that again, Primey."

_I wouldn't have become a minion in the first place._

That single line had incited PC. It had borne such rage in him that it was as if he was a completely different person. Primey was huddling against the turret, his entire being frightened by the PC in front of him.

"F-Fuck you! What's it matter to you if I fucking say that!"

It happened so quickly that Primey's vision turned into a blur. In an instant, PC's enormous hand had clamped Primey by the throat and slammed him against the turret. Standing at his full height, it was only now that PC's tremendous girth finally made an impression on Primey's mind.

_Shit, SHIT, SHIT! HE'S HUGE. HE'S FUCKING GIGANTIC. HE CAN FUCKING SQUASH ME LIKE A BUG!_

Primey scrabbled uselessly at PC's hand. PC lowered his head until his eyes, half-hidden in a cloud of smoke, pierced into the new recruit's.

"What do you call yourself, Primey?"

The question was issued in a low voice, but each syllable was distinct and clear in Primey's ears.

"What are you talking about? I fucking told you, people call me Prime Minister," croaked Primey, his windpipe getting crushed by PC's fingers. PC's eyes lingered on his for several seconds. Eventually, however, he broke his gaze and gently lowered Primey back onto the ground. Primey coughed as the enormous Caster's hands released his neck.

"Listen up, Primey. Cause Ah'm not going to say this twice."

PC blew another stream of smoke, but this time, instead of drowning them in fumes, it was as if the smoke was wrapping itself around PC like a cloak. Seeing him stand straight and tall for the first time, Primey couldn't help but feel awed by the massive Caster.

"You say minions are just meatshields? That we live in a hell and that we're just pieces of shit that just get used by the champions as cannon fodder. Well, no shit, kid! No fucking shit!"

Silence. The minions heading to top had retreated behind the inhibitor at PC's outburst. They were calmly ignoring Primey and playing cards instead.

"Did you think this was a fairy tale? That we live in peace and harmony and we're all good buddies with each other. We can watch porn together and compare penis sizes! Is that what you thought, Primey?"

"No, but..."

"Crushed. Smashed. Cut. Torn. Snapped. Burned. Frozen. Shocked. Poisoned. That's not even half of the way minions are killed. You're right, Primey. Minion lives are shit. They die and die and die and die. Our only purpose is to die, to die horrible deaths, to be killed in horrible ways. And what do we get? Nothing. Nothing marks our deaths. No one sings for your accomplishments. No one remembers you when you die. There's no point in being a minion. Is that what you're saying, Primey?"

The cigar in PC's mouth glowed brightly.

"Don't fuck with me, you little shit. We're worth nothing? Our lives are worthless? SHUT THE FUCK UP, KID!"

Even the minions at the inhibitor cringed at the force in PC's words. They hurriedly shuffled the cards and dealt them out, trying to block out the invasive noise.

"Prime Minister, you said? Primey, do you know what you are right now, at this moment? Do you know what your existence is, what your past, present, and future shows? Just a weak little minion. A minion that didn't even want to be a minion. A minion that hates the life of a minion, a minion that hates himself, hates his very own existence. A minion that rejects his own identity!"

"I don't want to be a minion! I'm someone! I'm Prime Minister, not just a shitty minio-"

"WRONG!" bellowed PC. "YOU'RE NOT PRIME MINISTER. YOU'RE NOT PRIMEY. BEFORE THAT, BEFORE THE NAME EVEN YOUR MOTHER GAVE YOU, YOU'RE A MINION. THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! THAT'S WHAT YOU ACCEPTED TO BE! YOU! A MINION!"

PC's breath rattled as he stepped forward, forcing Primey to scramble back towards the turret.

"That's right. You're a shitty little minion. But what's wrong with that! What's wrong with being weak! What's wrong with living just to die! You can walk and breathe! You can laugh and cry! You can lust and desire, hate and spite! You're alive! You're someone with a name, someone with a place in this army. And someone with a purpose. You call someone with all these emotions, with all these strengths and weaknesses, useless? Worthless? Meatshields? Don't use that word to identify yourself, even if it describes you perfectly! You are not a meatshield, even if you may be! You are foremost a minion! Ah'm a minion! Ah don't feel any shame! This battlefield is the one that is useless and worthless without us! Without our blood, without our lives!"

"I don't want to die just because I have to! What the fuck is that, huh!"

"Die because you have to? DON'T GET CONCEITED, KID! No one is telling you to die! No one is fucking telling you to go out there and get yourself killed! THEY'RE TELLING YOU TO PROTECT THE CHAMPIONS! This is a hell, but not for us. For us, this is our last chance. To protect the champions you love. That you hate. That you admire, that you respect, that you detest, that you pity, that you fear, that you blame, that you dream for, that you shed tears for! Do you envy them, Primey? Do you think it's bad to envy them! You envy them because you want something from them! Fine! That's fine, Primey. Protect them! Stand by them! You can only take what you want if it's still there to take!"

"And be proud," said PC, looking down at Primey's wide eyes. "Be proud of who you are. Of what you are. Be proud that you're the only reason these champions seem so magnificent. It's because you adore them. It's because you despise them. It's because you are there to help them. To ruin them. To die in order for them to live, to live in order for them to die. Even if you're thrown in mud, even if you drown in a pool of blood, even if your name is forgotten, even if you yourself forget who you are...don't forget the pride of a minion, Primey. Never forget that it us who make the battlefield more than just a place of carnage."

"The pride of a minion..." mumbled Primey, unable to tear his gaze from PC's. "That...that's...A LOAD OF SHIT! SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU RETARDED FATASS! NO ONE HERE WOULD EVER FUCKING GO WITH THE BULLSHIT YOU'RE SPITTING OUT OF YOUR MOUT-"

"Well said, minion."

The minions at the inhibitor jumped to their feet as Ashe suddenly appeared from behind the turret. Her piercing green eyes bore into PC's with a mixture of admiration and approval. She held up her bow, sending sparkles of ice floating down to the ground.

"Name yourself, minion."

"Ah'm PC. And this here is my valet, Primey," said PC without skipping a beat. He didn't seem the least bit fazed by the appearance of the startlingly beautiful champion. However, Primey was a different story.

"HOLY FUCK, IT'S ASHE!" screamed Primey, instantly lunging in between PC's thighs. "D-Don't look here, you bitch! I'm not decent! But show me your tits!"

"You two are an interesting pair," mused Ashe, her lips parting slightly. "I've been watching you two for quite a time."

"An unexpected honor, to garner interest from a champion," said PC, bowing deeply.

"What the fuck, why do you sound so eloquent now?" muttered Primey from under PC.

"You heard quite an arrogant speech from me. My apologies," continued PC, still bowing.

"No, there's no need to apologize. Your words are correct. We champions have been far too neglectful of the minions that fight for us," said Ashe with a smile. "The torment that minions go through far exceeds the obstacles that we champions face. Glory and fame, the taste of victory and progress...none of that is granted to you, who fight solely for the sake of sacrifice. It is I who should apologize to you. Forgive me."

Ashe bowed to Primey and PC. The two minions stood there, stunned by her unexpected action.

"Tits or GTFO!"

"Your words have impressed me. One's determination for another is just a small part of strength. It is understanding and striving for one's self from where true strength is acquired."

"They're just the words of an old soldier, champion," said PC respectfully.

"Strip, damn it! Do you know how long it's been since I had a raging hard-on!"

"No, your words are quite worthy. In fact, I was worried for today's battle. Our opponents are quite strong. However, now that I know that minions such as you exist...perhaps I should reconsider my options."

Ashe stroked her chin as her eyes twinkled slyly.

"Sona."

"D-Damn it, Yi! Stop touching me there!"

"Oh, but Sona, my darling, your wonderful body is far too tempting to resist!"

"Sona!"

"W-What! Ashe?"

"Irelia, can you hear me?"

"I hear you, Frost Archer. Do you need something of me?"

"I want a change of plans," said Ashe through the telepathic team link. "Give me and Sona the top lane."

"W-Wait. WHAT! Ashe, what are you talking about!"

"Yi, let go of Sona. She's not leashing for you anymore."

"Ah, but Ashe, I seem to have become quite entangled in our lovely performer's curvy attributes."

"WHERE ARE YOU TOUCHING, YI!"

"Yi, please let her go," said Ashe, touching her forehead with her fingers.

"...Well. If you say so, Ashe. However, I will require appropriate compensation..."

"Later, Yi. Later."

"Your frosty words stir my heart like no other! Very well, Sona Buvelle! Take your leave! I will have Kassadin leash for me."

"What are you planning, Frost Archer?" came Kassadin's mechanic growl.

"It's none of your concern, is it, Kassadin? I'll be sure that it doesn't affect your performance in the battle."

"A mere champion thinking that her actions can affect my performance? Do not be so arrogant, Frost Archer."

"In that case, I'll leave you be," said Ashe coolly. Kassadin did not respond, but began moving to leash for Master Yi.

"A-Ashe! Are you sure about this? The lanes are going to be all messed up now..."

"I know that this will be an extra burden on you, Irelia. I'm sorry, but..."

"Do not worry about me, Frost Archer. If that is what you feel is best, then so be it. I will move to bottom lane, then."

"Thank you, Irelia."

Ashe tuned out of her team link and turned back to the two minions.

"Now, interesting pair. I hope you'll take good care of us in top lane."

Primey's mouth was moving up and down wordlessly, save for a strange choking noise from deep within his throat.

* * *

><p>It was not on a whim that Ashe was changing the lanes. True, by placing Irelia down with a ranged carry, it was going to be a difficult fight. Not to mention that with true damage, she could deal quite easily with Rammus. However, Ashe wanted the top lane. These minions, who were different from those who had been squawking over Sona earlier...how would the battle be affected by their actions?<p>

No, the first statement had been a lie.

The only reason that Ashe wanted top was to see how interesting things would get with this change in order.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe it. That shit actually worked."<p>

"Ah told you, didn't I, Primey? The beauties always go where PC goes."

"Jesus fucking Christ. I don't want to admit it, but fuck! You're a god, PC. You even actually sort of sounded badass."

"Thank yee kindly."

"Aw shit! Those boobs are ours!"

* * *

><p>Back at the Nexus, two minions were watching the top lane with great interest. One was a Caster while the other was a Melee-type.<p>

"I can't believe he convinced Ashe to join their lane."

"I told you, didn't I Mill? The minion named PC is not someone you can underestimate."

"No...it has to be coincidence. I just can't see that PC being able to manipulate a champion like that..."

The Caster named Cast chuckled lightly before hopping down from the top of the Nexus. He landed next to the Melee-type named Mill without touching the ground, instead, hovering over it by an inch with magic.

"Fat. Lazy. Annoying. He's the most hated minion in the Purple Army. But it's because he's hated so much that he's one to watch out for. Have you ever heard of the saying 'nice guys finish last?' The reason is because they're too noticeable. The heroes, the saviors, the kind ones...they're too adored. Too admired. Too bright. They're watched constantly because of their excellence. Like champions. Everyone has their eyes on the champions. They'll notice the smallest of mistakes. They'll see the human depths of these so-called gods. But PC, the one they hate, that they cannot stand, they ignore. They deny his existence. And because of that, he is a limitless existence. One whose flaws are not perceived or understood. They vanish, while even the most insignificant flaws of the champions are amplified."

"Is that why you told me to keep track of PC?"

"No. His low presence among the minions is hardly something worth observing. It is his actions, Mill. If someone is essentially invisible, then imagine what he can accomplish, unnoticed by everyone, unrestrained by anyone. But, it seems Ashe has seen through some of PC's guise. A gaudy speech like that wouldn't be enough to move the heart of the Queen of Freljord."

"Then..."

"I see that you're not convinced yet. Don't worry, Mill. PC will show his true colors soon enough. I wished that we could have included him in our plans, but now that the Frost Archer is overseeing him, it's a bit risky to do so."

"Then, are we still continuing with the plan?"

"Of course," said Cast with a wide smirk. "None of them know that this battle will be quite different from all the others. Pride of a minion indeed. How ironic that even your complete bullshit has a ring of truth in it. But, nevertheless, it seems we differ in our ideals, PC. A minion fights for others in order to fight for himself. A daring notion, but not in the least bit realistic. One fights in order to end conflict. Superfluous concepts such as sacrificing oneself for another or emotions such as love? Those are simply the justifications of those that fight. Those that cannot accept the truth, which is that violence is the most selfish of all actions one can take. It is where one decides that he/she is wholly right, that there is no room for argument. Where one forces their ideals upon another, where one forcefully delegates themselves on the side of justice. You are never fighting for others nor for yourself. You are always fighting for supremacy. Ruling over another. What pride is there to take from such an ugly form, PC?"

"But it's fine, PC. I'll show you that an ugly world is hardly a bad thing. In fact, it is only from an ugly stone that a beautiful diamond can take shape. But the right cuts have to be made in order for it to shine."

Cast raised his staff which emitted a pure white light.

"They are not followers. Nor our partners. They are not dreamers, nor our servants. Do you know what we all are, Mill?"

"No."

In all three lanes, groups of minions turned their heads at the flashing white light. Their eyes glowed and on their left hands, a purple brand shone harshly.

"Those with the same ideal. Those that seek to rule together. There is only one word for this, Mill."

_We are comrades._

* * *

><p><strong>an: **_Less comedy, more __introspection. Maybe I should start putting in tons of angst.  
><em>


	7. Deceived Herself?

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"I love you."<p>

"..."

"I love you!"

The look that Melee gave Caster was muddled with such a mixture of emotions that it might as well have been blank for all the meaning Caster could garner from it.

"I really love you, Melee."

"...Thanks."

The Summoner Lady's voice reverberated over Melee's body, the very sound of her words wrapping around him like slender arms. Melee shivered at the feeling, but wasn't all too against it.

"Wait, no, that's not it! What the fuck, dude! How could you just marry me off while I was unconscious!"

"Shut up, you degenerate. You cuckolded my wife from me, you son of a bitch."

"...Well, I wouldn't really say cuckolded...I mean...I was going to return her to you and it was just circumstance-"

"Melee. Either we call it even now, or we can fight over it."

"...Fuck."

"Stop harassing my hubby!" said the Summoner Lady, making sure to keep her voice at a manageable level. After hearing that the Summoner Lady had information on the teams fighting on the battlefield today, Caster had taken it upon himself to amend her vows so that she could speak as long as she didn't blow their eardrums. Still, hearing a line like that being used for the well-being of Melee of all people...Caster couldn't help but feel like blowing his eardrums out would've been the better option.

"...Sorry Caster. This must be making you feel lonely. Don't worry, man. You'll find a new love soon."

"This fucking Melee!"

After giving Melee a good thrashing, Caster sat down with his arms and legs crossed. He waited until Melee regained consciousness before getting to the issue at hand.

"So, while you were out and getting married to this beautiful young lady..."

"Oh...Caster, you! Don't think you'll make me fall in love with you. I only love Melee," said the Summoner Lady. Melee blushed furiously at the comment, giving Caster a little satisfaction at getting some small revenge.

"Caster...you're not going to try to cuckold me, are you?"

"As if I-!" Caster stopped and lowered his voice to a whisper. "As if I would do that, you fucking gigantofreak."

"Hey! How do you know she's gigantic?" whispered Melee back fiercely.

"How else would she have that kind of ear-shattering volume, huh?"

"She could be using magic!"

"Oh, yeah. Magic solves everything. Stop trying to make up solutions, Melee. She's a fucking giant and when you two fuck, your entire body is going to be going into her vag-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Melee! What's wrong, honey?"

"Ah, nothing...darling."

Caster couldn't resist snorting.

"Damn it, shut the fuck up..."

"I didn't say anything."

"You were going to! Shit...damn you Caster..."

"I did you a favor. You'll probably never find a girl like this again. Honey."

"Fuck you!"

"Anyways, moving onto more important matters. Melee. I know the teams fighting today."

"What! How'd you find out?"

"That was me, honey!" said the Summoner Lady, her tone of voice suggesting that if she had been physically present, she would've been in Melee's lap, cuddling up under his chin. "I love you."

"...I know that."

"Thanks to this bitch, I know exactly where Katarina is," said Caster, clenching his fingers into a fist. The Summoner Lady resided in a separate plane from the actual battlefield. Meaning, she had access to the information that was given to the Summoners. As a result, she had been able to peek into the Summoner's choices for battle and subsequently discover the compositions for each of the teams.

The teams were as stated:

Blue Team: Master Yi, Kassadin, Irelia, Ashe, and Sona.

Purple Team: Katarina, Rammus, Annie, Vayne, and Alistar.

"Holy shit. We have Sona! DAMN! She's legendary!"

"You sure you want to say that in front of your wife?"

"Ah...ehem. Legendary for her songs. I love music."

"Oh, you do! Did you know that I sing, Melee?"

"Oh...do you now...?"

"You have a bright future ahead of you. I'm so happy for you two."

"Fuck you, Caster! Seriously, fuck you!"

"Anyways, that's the deal. Katarina's on the enemy team. That means we can just go ahead like we've been doing and fucking kill that bitch."

Melee gave a great sigh of relief. "I see. That's good. I was a little worried there."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"You know I was having some doubts earlier? I was wondering which team Katarina would be on. I mean, shit, if Katarina was on our team, we'd sort of be fucked, right?"

"What are you talking about? If she was on our team, we'd just have to go back to fucking kill her."

"...Yeah. Sure. Whatever. That's beside the point. Now that we know she's on the enemy team, we know where she's going to be too. She'll probably be bottom with Vayne."

"Wrong. We saw their Summoner Spells also. Rammus doesn't have Smite," said Caster, jabbing his wand at Melee. "That means he's not jungling. Most likely, Katarina is going to go top with Rammus, while Vayne lanes bottom with Alistar. Alistar is a better support than Rammus. And Rammus goes better with Katarina, considering she does burst damage."

"I see. So that means she's going to be in top lane..."

"Either way, it doesn't fucking matter. The battle hasn't fucking started, so we're going to hit her while she's still sitting in base, buying her fucking items."

"Hey, hey! Calm down for a minute, Caster. I know you're jealous of me getting a wife, but-"

"What? What the fuck are you talking about-"

"I can't thank you enough by the way," said Melee with a big smile. "Now that I've gotten a chance to digest it, I think I'll have a great relationship with Summoner Lady."

"Melee! Oh, I love you so much! I wish the battle was over so I could come and give you a big hug!"

"By the way, are you gigantic?"

"No...I think I'm about the size of a champion," said the Summoner Lady with a confused tone.

"If you would compare your body to a champion, who would you say you resemble?"

"Huh? Uh...LeBlanc, I guess. Why?"

Melee shot Caster a smug look.

"...You're a fucking son of a bitch, you know that?"

"Say, darling. What do you think about _ménage à trois_?"

"Huh? What's that?"

"...I don't fucking need your pity!"

"Anyways, Caster. Now that you've calmed down, we really need to talk."

"...What the fuck do you want to talk about?"

"Summoner Lady, could you leave us alone? We need to talk, as men. Actually, we might be leaving after this, so I'll contact you later."

"...Ok. I'll be waiting, honey."

"Smooch smooch."

"Oh my fucking god."

The Summoner Lady's presence faded away. Or rather, after hearing her audible breathing in the air, Melee insisted on her departure, to the point that he even threatened their marriage. Needless to say, the Summoner Lady fully complied with his wishes.

"Jesus Christ, what a dumb bitch."

"Hey, shut the fuck up! Don't badmouth my wife."

Caster opened his mouth to say something, but then decided against it. It had been his idea in the first place.

"Anyways, what did you want to talk about? And why'd the wife have to leave?"

"Because of the subject matter. Caster. Look, I know you're pissed off about Katarina killing Millet. So am I. But damn it, we can't just run into their fucking base and raise hell."

"And why the fuck not?" Although Caster was a little miffed about Melee's sudden mood swing over his wife, he was also somewhat mollified by the concern Melee was already showing her. The only reason he had forced his new wife to leave was so that she wouldn't hear them talking about his ex-wife. He didn't want to admit it, but Melee was a caring husband.

"We're too weak," said Melee in a matter-of-fact tone. "You're probably trying to ignore that fact, right? Even at level 1, Katarina has a distinct advantage over us in terms of health, armor, MR, and damage."

"Look, there's two of us-"

"We need at least a whole group to do significant damage to a champion, even if she is low-leveled. I don't know what you were thinking, but charging in and hoping we can get lucky and get a couple free shots in before she attacks us is just stupid."

"Well, what do you suggest we do then, huh? If we wait any longer, there's going to be minions in lane and we won't be able to get anywhere near fucking Kat-"

"We get stronger. That's what we do."

"...What?"

"If Katarina's stronger than us at level 1, we just need to level up higher and become stronger than her."

"And how the fuck do we do that? Huh? You know we have to kill other minions to get exp? Maybe we can kill one or two, but how the fuck do we kill enough to get a higher level than Katarina?"

"Simple. We don't lane."

"Huh! How else do we fucking get experi-"

"Thank my wife for this," said Melee, giving Caster a confident smile.

"What, you two already passing love notes to each other?"

"I asked her about this while you were busy fantasizing about killing Katarina. How can we level without laning and without Katarina noticing us? She's pretty clever, my wife."

"Are you fucking boasting right now? I'll fucking kill you, Melee."

"We **jungle**," said Melee, his eyes firm. "By jungling, we only have to kill a couple monsters to get higher levels. Not to mention, we don't have to enter the base to fight in the jungle."

"...Are you serious?"

"Dead serious."

"The jungle monsters are way stronger than we are. How are we supposed to-"

"That's where you come in, isn't it Caster? Don't try and fool me. You couldn't have possibly only snitched a couple of boots," said Melee, his eyes gleaming. That sentence shut Caster up. He stood there, stunned for a moment, but then flashed a wide grin.

"You sharp little bastard."

"What do you say? Think we can jungle?"

Caster didn't need to reply. He reached into the bag he had stolen from Summoner inventory long ago and pulled out a large, icy-blue mallet.

"Frozen Mallet?" inquired Melee.

"700 Health. Just one gives you almost twice the health of the wolves," said Caster, tossing two to Melee. "And you'll deal more damage than them, even with their crit."

"What are you going to use?"

"What else?" said Caster, pulling a clawed gauntlet on one hand. "Madred's Razors."

"You bastard. You should give that to me. I have higher attack speed."

"Shut up, you son of a bitch. You have two Frozen Mallets. Stop your whining."

Additionally armed with Rylai's Crystal Scepter, Caster had become just as formidable as Melee in terms of damage and sustain. Looking at the items on hand, Melee raised a questioning thought.

"Wait. If we've got all of these items, we could just go kill her after all..."

"No. You're right, Melee. That's what I was thinking too, but you've made me change my mind. There are some advantages that the champions have that we'll never get. It's better and safer if we level first before we attempt an attack."

"Right. Katarina could just escape and heal, but we don't have a recall spell, so it'd take us ages to get back..."

"Exactly. We need to make sure we get her in one confrontation. I don't know how many times I've said this...I hate to admit it, Melee, but you made a good decision."

"Fucking right. Bow down, bitch."

"...Don't get carried away."

Melee cracked his knuckles and hefted both Frozen Mallets over his shoulders. Licking his lips, he looked across at the enemy team's jungle.

"Should we start there? We have Yi on our side, so that means their jungle is going to be empty."

"I guess so," said Caster, smirking. "We want our team to have the advantage anyways."

"Then let's get started, Caster. We're going to clear this jungle and kill that fucking bitch."

"Just wait, Katarina. We're coming."

The minions had set their plan in motion.

* * *

><p>"...Hm. Was it the top or the bottom team that gets purple minions...?" mused the Summoner Lady.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>an:** _A short chapter, but released a bit quicker. I'll probably have to delay future chapters as the weeks come by, so here's my __compensation! The plot's getting thicker, but the comedy is becoming weaker as a result. Leave a note on whether you're liking this change or not. Not that it'll matter...(hehe)._


	8. NOT A FUCKING KNAPSACK

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"Did you see those-"<p>

"Sh! You're too loud, you fucktard!"

"You're the loud one!"

"Shut up, both of you! I'm trying to enjoy shit."

The top minions stopped their squabbling and turned back to the task at hand. Sona's breasts. These delightful treasures wobbled as she floated alongside Ashe, drawing all absentminded eyes to them like moths to a flame. One drooling minion was frozen by pure ecstasy, causing the rear troops to crash into him and cause a pile-up.

"Fuck, man! Pay fucking attention!"

"I am...I am..."

"...Holy shit. Do you see what I'm seeing?"

"...Oh my god. I don't believe it."

The disheveled minions extended their necks to watch Sona's fluttering blue dress. The dress had adhered to her shapely hips, sculpting yet another priceless piece of art on the maven's figure.

"...You know, I'm good like this."

"Get your ass off me and I'll be good too."

"...Ashe. These minions are staring at me," said Sona telepathically. Ashe turned and saw the group of minions gazing heatedly at Sona's lovely form. Ashe wiggled her hips a little as she walked, but no eye was distracted by this sultry motion.

"I think you're just being paranoid. You're too self-conscious," said Ashe with a little bite in her words.

"Why are you angry?"

"I'm not."

"You sound angry."

"I don't. We're done discussing this."

"Don't be jealous, you fucking hag," said Primey from around the Frost Archer's right knee. Ashe nudged him sharply with her foot. "OW!"

"Straighten up, young minion. After your refreshing call for action, I have high hopes for you," said Ashe with a wry smile.

"The fuck are you talking about, I never said shit you twinkle-toed ice fairy bitch-"

"There you are, Primey. Ah'm back. And hello, ladies."

"Oh, PC. I was wondering where you went off to," said Ashe as the towering minion lumbered over.

"Ah had to straighten out some things," said PC, plucking Primey from the ground.

"Hey, hey! What the fuck do you think you're doing!"

"Now, now, Primey. Ah told you to stick with me," said PC, slinging Primey over his shoulder.

"FUCK YOU! LET ME GO, YOU FATASS! I'M NOT A FUCKING KNAPSACK!"

"Ashe."

"Hm?" said Ashe in her head. The sight of a small minion scrabbling frantically on the shoulder of another had proved to be a little distracting for the Frost Archer. "What is it, Sona?"

"Ashe, what are we doing here?" hissed Sona through their mental connection. "This is all wrong. The meta says-"

"Ah, meta. Don't worry too much about it, Sona."

"How can I not worry about it, Ashe? This is all wrong! Why would we switch lanes with Irelia? Irelia is amazing as a solo top laner."

"As I said before, Sona, it's much more interesting this way-"

"Ashe, be serious. I know you're not the kind that would recklessly put us in danger for no reason."

"For fuck's sake, you fucking pig! Let me go already!"

"Now, Primey. Behave yourself."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M GOING TO JAM THIS FUCKING LANCE DOWN YOUR THROAT IF YOU DON'T DROP ME THIS INSTANT!"

"True. I've made a risky decision," started Ashe, watching the two purple minions. "But I wanted those two to be with me in battle. Sona, what do you think is the most important aspect of our battles?"

"Uhm...gold farming?"

"Yes, that's very important," said Ashe with a light laugh. Tendrils of thoughts began to drift into Sona's mind as Ashe continued speaking. "Farming is especially important for the carries. Without farm, the early game is lost. You lose in levels and you lose in abilities. Without farm, your items are worthless and subsequently, you become worthless. Our battles are heavily dependent on how many minions we are able to kill."

"That's right. So why would you send Irelia against Vayne? Even if she does have great sustain, she'll be zoned out because of her short range. Especially once Vayne and Alistar reach level 3. By then, they'll have their knockback abilities and Irelia won't be able to get near the farm."

"Yes. And Katarina relies heavily on harass damage to defeat her opponents. Her escape is excellent too because of Shunpo. With Irelia's passive, sustain, and strong chasing abilities, she can outharass and outplay Katarina quite easily even with Rammus as support."

"All the more reason for us to go bottom, Ashe! There's only disadvantages in changing our setup."

"Farm. Champion kills. Battle meta. Item superiority. Map control. Looking at it that way, it seems like champions are the core of the battle."

"Of course they are, Ashe! We're the ones doing all the fighting!"

"Glory. Territory. Supremacy. We fight for the Summoners and the Summoners fight for our causes. This is our battlefield," said Ashe. Her green eyes were somber as her thoughts continued to flow into Sona's mind. The memory of PC and Primey's discussion took root and bloomed, carrying with it all of Ashe's musings.

"We were told that these are mindless minions summoned through the nexus by novice summoners. But it's become quite clear to every champion that this is not true. The minions have a mind and a soul. They have their own desires and their own reasons to fight."

"...What about it? They're just minions-"

"We outshine them, Sona. Our victories are too bright, our losses too devastating. In the end, whether we win or lose, the champions are the ones that are remembered. Protection, aggro, lane pushing, stumbling walls. They are insignificant in comparison. As prevalent as they are in the battlefield, those deeds are not heroic. They do not spell defeat. But I've realized, Sona. I've realized the importance of these minions. The minions that we kill to strengthen ourselves. The minions that protect us as we attack and dodge during battle. The minions that destroy towers with us, the minions that die with us, the minions that win with us, the minions that lose with us. Every step of the way, minions are at our side."

Sona bit her lip as Ashe's thoughts meshed with hers in a thick stream. The champions were important. The champions were the ones that pushed lanes, they were the ones that killed other champions. They were the ones that defeated minions, that protected towers, that killed jungles for buffs-

But without minions, the champions would be powerless. Without minions to farm gold from, to raise their experience from, to earn buffs from...

Champions were just the same.

"I wonder if I'm simply thinking too much," said Ashe, her gentle eyes facing towards the sky. "But I believe that those who step into the battlefield are either our enemies or our comrades. Minions are no exception. In that case, I desire comrades that care for our well-being. I desire comrades that I too will care for."

Sona could still hear the two minions fighting and arguing behind her. At the same time, the lustful stares drilling into her back did not feel frightening any longer. Rather, Sona now knew what those minions were truly thinking.

_If anyone touches our goddess, we're going to fuck them up._

_Well, I highly doubt that's really what they're thinking,_ thought Ashe as she surreptitiously inserted the thought into Sona's mind. _But I suppose there's a chance._

"Ok, Ashe. I understand why you wanted to come to top lane," said Sona with an exasperated smile. "But that doesn't change the fact that we're still at a disadvantage."

"Ah...don't worry Sona. Yi is taking care of that."

* * *

><p>A team with no jungle. With the recent buff, Yi jungle was once again a formidable force to reckon with. It was plausible that the blue team might invade the jungle. However, the act of invasion required strong confidence and determination. One wrong move, and the match could be decided then and there. However, without any tanky characters on the purple team, the blue team had a higher chance of winning the teamfight. But the risk was still there because of Kassadin's silence and Master Yi's AOE attack. While less tanky, the purple team had starting abilities more suitable to DPS on multiple characters. Focusing one character would automatically result in the damaging of the others.<p>

All in all, the decision to invade would require climbing a high wall. Ashe was betting on this fact. Instead, it was more likely that Alistar and Vayne would be in the bottom lane bushes, awaiting for an ambush. As both Ashe and Sona were tanky, an ambush would thoroughly deal enough damage, perhaps even securing first blood. There was also the fact that if they inhabited the top bush and Alistar put a point into Headbutt, they could use the walls to their advantage. Vayne and Alistar would surely use the bush to press psychological pressure on bot lane.

That was why Irelia and Yi were currently sitting in the top bush of bot lane. They were waiting for Vayne and Alistar to arrive. Even if Alistar picked Pulverize first and knocked the two champions up, Vayne was an extremely squishy champion. No doubt both Yi's and Irelia's basic attacks would take a chunk of her health. Irelia's tenacity from her passive and Yi's range from his Alpha Strike would make sure that they could catch up even to a fleeing Vayne. Being ambushed in the top bush, even with Flash, Vayne would have difficulty in getting away.

There were two aspects to this strategy. The first was the expectation that Ashe and Sona would be in bot lane. A fight between these two teams had a high chance of Alistar and Vayne winning in terms of pure damage. Even if the ambush failed, Ashe had no real chase after the initial burst from her Volley. Alistar's CC would easily keep her at bay. If Ashe and Sona were cautious, then Vayne and Alistar would have a slight advantage from taking control of the bushes.

The second aspect was surprise. Even if they somehow expected Irelia to have switched lanes with Ashe and Sona, they would not expect Yi to sacrifice an early blue to do a level 1 gank. Alistar was not tanky enough in earlier levels to contend with Irelia one on one, meaning that Irelia would be able to take advantage of Vayne's absence to gain a lead in experience. During this time, Yi could quickly grab blue and come back to gank, allowing Irelia to keep control of bot lane.

There would be no need for a gank in top lane. With higher range, Ashe would be able to zone out both Rammus and Katarina by taking advantages of Rammus' low tankiness when not in Defensive Ball Curl. Katarina's harass would have little effect with Sona's healing.

This was Ashe's solution to the disadvantages in switching lanes. It required Yi and Irelia to work well and have a little luck, but if performed without a hitch, both top and bot lane would be under the Purple Team's control.

"Well...I suppose it makes sense. But do you really want to take a risk like this?"

"There are no certainties in battle. My idea has a good chance of failing as well as succeeding. But, I believe it's worth taking the risk."

Sona glanced at PC and Primey. Certainly the larger minion looked reliable. She had never seen a minion like that, even when Promoted. But the other one seemed whiny and irresponsible. Sona had her doubts on Ashe's evaluation of that one in particular.

"Well, if all goes according to plan, we should have first blood and the advantage," said Ashe as they finally approached top lane.

"Should we check the bush for Katarina and Rammus?"

"No. Switching lanes took too much time, so they probably have control of the bush already. Just stay with the minions for no-"

"Frost Archer. There is a problem."

"Irelia? What do you mean a problem?" asked Ashe. The gank should have happened by now. Could Vayne and Alistar have been cautious and kept near the turret?

"Please be careful when you enter your lane."

"The lane? What are you talking about, Ire-"

Ashe froze. They had finally made it to the top turret. Across the lane, she could see that the blue minions had arrived along with the enemy champions.

However, they were not Katarina and Rammus.

"Well, well. What have we here?" The dark lips of the Night Hunter curved into a smile as she appeared into view. "It looks like we're on the same wavelength, Frost Archer."

Ashe responded with a wry smile.

"I suppose it's expected of the hunter to outsmart its prey."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** _For those __still keeping up, sorry for the long delay on this chapter. getting a little hectic, so chapter turnout will be slower in the future. i may pump out the next one a bit sooner though. _

_On another note, I'm not well-informed on exact champion statistics or meta strategies aside from general experience from actual games. the strategy offered by Ashe is just one that follows my own limited knowledge of gameplay and match-ups. it might sound far-fetched or it might not. im really not sure. hopefully it's the latter.  
><em>


	9. Hey Charlie

**TEAMS  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>BLUE<br>**

_Katarina_

_Rammus  
><em>

_Annie  
><em>

_Vayne  
><em>

_Alistar  
><em>

**PURPLE**_  
><em>

_Master Yi_

_Kassadin  
><em>

_Irelia  
><em>

_Ashe  
><em>

_Sona  
><em>

* * *

><p><em>Please stop...<em>

Shut up.

_Don't do this!_

I said shut up!

_Please...please stop! REMEMBER YOUR DUTY!_

...Duty?

...Duty?

Don't fuck with me...

Don't fuck with me...

DON'T FUCK WITH ME, YOU-

* * *

><p><strong>Those Minions<strong>

* * *

><p>"Hey, Melee."<p>

"Yeah? What's up?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to start for once."

"...What?"

"You always get the first fucking word whenever we start a conversation. And you know what? I'm fucking sick of it."

"...Sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"No, fuck you. Seriously, fuck you."

"FIRST BLOOD!"

"What the fuck!" shouted Melee and Caster in unison.

"Hey, my ears are fine. I guess I'm getting used to your wife's bitching."

"Aha, very funny."

"Fuck, nevermind," said Caster as he cleaned out his ear with a finger. "The dried-up blood saved me."

"Wait. Did you say 'First Blood,' darling?"

"Mhmm! Someone died, honey!"

"I love it when you say die."

"Huh?"

"Uh...I mean, I love you."

"Melee, don't! Not in front of Caster..."

To anyone else, it would have looked like Melee was a desperate and delusional psycho that was having the time of his life flirting with himself. However, Caster understood that Melee was actually just flirting with a disembodied voice. He understood that Melee was perfectly sane and was undoubtedly in complete control of his words and actions.

That was why Caster suddenly had a tormenting desire to kill Melee and plaster his intestines all over the lane.

"No. Calm down, Caster. It's just temporary."

"Noooo, you're the best!"

"Hehe no, you are!"

"No, you are!"

"Nooo, you!"

"Youuuuu-GAH! AGHHH!"

"...Honey? What's wrong?"

"Don't worry, Summoner Lady. He just tripped over a rock," said Caster, flicking the blood off his wand. He dragged Melee's unconscious body over to a bush so that he could recuperate. It probably hadn't been the wisest of moves, but Caster's hand had acted on its own.

"...ugh. What happened?"

"You tripped over a rock is what happened. You fucking dumbass."

"...Really? But there's this huge gash on the back of my head..."

"...Yeah. Cause you landed on your head, you fucking dumbass."

"I was really worried, Melee..." boomed the Summoner Lady's voice.

"Sorry, dar- I mean...sorry."

"What's wrong?" asked Caster. "You stuttered there."

"I don't know. I just didn't want to use a certain word for some reason."

_Excellent. His body is learning._

"Oh yeah. Before I tripped on that rock, weren't we talking about something...?"

"You mean First Blood? Yeah. Looks like the battle's already started. It's a good thing we got off the lanes or we might've gotten caught between minion waves."

"Oh. Was that all?"

"One more thing. You fucking dumbass."

"...Thanks. By the way, honey. Who died?"

"Hm? Let's see...pictures, pictures, pictures..."

"Just check the one with the big red countdown next to their face."

"Oh! Here it is," said the Summoner Lady, peering down at the armored armadillo. "Alistar died."

"Alistar died...? Wasn't it Ashe and Sona down there?"

"Yeah. And Vayne with Alistar," said Caster after a moment's thought. He turned to catch Melee's eye.

"What the fuck?" both said simultaneously.

"Damn, Alistar. You fucking suck."

"Christ Alistar, go back to the fucking farm and get milked or something. Fucking useless."

"Probably headbutted Ashe away while Vayne's trying to tower dive."

"Fuck, he probably headbutted Vayne _into_ the tower."

"Seriously, stay the fuck out of the lane. Hell, just go back to the fountain and wait for your shitty 5gp item. Even jungle Phreak couldn't salvage this much shit."

"Now I know why people eat so much meat. If all cows are meatheads like this fucking Alistar, then they're getting a fucking good value."

"At-least-don't-fucking-suck-tard, do your fucking job."

"I feel bad for Vayne. Trolled by her teammate in addition to having no looks," said Caster with a shake of his head.

"Oh, so this is Vayne?" said the Summoner Lady cheerfully, spotting the armadillo's red-haired teammate. "She looks very pretty."

"...Honey. This is men's talk."

"Oh. Sorry..."

"She has a big heart," said Melee to Caster in an undertone.

"She's a bimbo, you fuck."

"She's my bimbo. My Leblanc look-alike bimbo."

"...Oh look. Another rock."

"What? Where?"

"Ah, sorry. Must've been my imagination," said Caster, holding back his twitching wand arm.

"Well, better to be safe than sorry. Thanks for looking out for me, Caster."

"No problem. Fucking dumbass."

"What?"

"Your wife must have nice tits."

Silence followed after Caster unconsciously muttered that statement. His arm jerked to his mouth as he realized what he had just said out loud. His eyes swiveled to Melee, who was staring at him speechlessly.

"You..."

"Melee...calm down. That was just a misunderstan-"

"I KNOW, RIGHT!" said Melee, grasping Caster's hands. "You and I are seriously on the same wavelength, man!"

Caster's mouth moved up and down wordlessly. He paused and took a deep breath before nodding in agreement. Best to just go with the flow in situations like these.

"But anyways, enough drooling over my wife, Caster. Too much flattery will even get me a little uncomfortable."

"Why would you be the one that's uncomfortable...?"

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Now you know Katarina's up top for sure. Well, more sure than before anyways. What are you going to do?"

"What do you mean what am I going to do? Why does it even matter?"

Melee raised an eyebrow at Caster's response.

"I thought for sure you'd cry bloody murder and start running to top lane," said Melee, smiling wryly. Caster averted his eyes for a moment before snorting and rolling his neck.

"Who do you think I am, you? There's no way we can do that right now with the minion waves coming through. It'd be suicide trying to run through the enemy lines and it'd take too long going around them."

"Hehe. Looks like you finally cooled your head off."

"Can't have a fucking dumbass like you show me up," said Caster. "Even if we do have items like Frozen Mallet on us, that doesn't change the fact that Katarina has Shunpo and Flash. By the time we do any damage to her, she's going to book it like a fucking bitch."

"That's right. So, there's only one way we can get her without giving her a chance to escape."

"Kill her in one fucking shot."

"Or at the very least, we need to get the Red buff so we can have the damage-over-time effect and the slow," said Melee, hefting Frozen Mallet over his shoulder. "And we need to get this before she reaches too high of a level."

"The minion waves are coming in. That means the jungle should have spawned by now," said Caster. "We're near the Purple Team's jungle and they don't have a jungler."

"We already went over that."

"Shut up. I'm just trying to summarize our situation right now," said Caster, rubbing his chin as his mind churned. "We don't have any mana since we don't have skills, so maybe we should just rush the wolves and go to Red...?"

"No, we have to hit the Blue golem. Even if we don't need the buff, we need the exp."

"Do you think we should do the wolves first?"

"Yeah. Let's go check them out," said Melee, making his way through the brush. "Honey, we're going off to the wolf camp."

"Ok! Enjoy yourselves!"

"...Hey, Melee?"

"What?"

"...Honestly, your wife is sort of weird."

"Yeah, well, so was your wife."

"Touche."

* * *

><p>After a short period of time, the two minions finally exited the brush and began traversing the jungle. The wolf camp was just around the corner. The wolves were one of the weaker jungle monsters, but they possessed high critical strike chance and an even higher movement speed. Consequently, while many champions now decided to tackles wolves beforehand, leashing them required the jungler to confront them directly, so as to keep them from running off.<p>

It was a perfect opportunity for Melee to test the items. Frozen Mallet with its 700+ health would allow him to withstand the wolves assault long enough for Caster to assist him finishing them off. Madred's Razors was going to be invaluable for clearing the jungle.

"...Hey, Caster. I just thought of something. What if the items don't work on us...?"

"Don't worry about it. You have two Frozen Mallets on you."

"Well, actually, I can't lift both of them, so I'm only using one."

"Either way, you have a huge surplus of health. Even if the items don't work, you won't die."

"Oh yeah! You're right. Haha, I was worrying over nothing."

_I almost feel bad making him do the test run,_ thought Caster as they neared the wolf camp. But sacrifices had to be made. Besides, if the items didn't work, then they'd just have to run until the camp forcibly pulled the wolves back into place. A few potions and Melee would be back on his feet in no time.

_Well, if the potions work._

Caster was pretty sure that everything would turn out fine.

"Hey...Caster?"

"What? Is it another introduction joke? Because those are getting really old-"

"Where are the wolves?"

Caster came to a halt as he realized that the wolf camp was empty. But that couldn't be possible. There was no jungler on the other team. Had their jungler taken advantage of that fact and decided to start in the enemy jungle?

"Damn it. Blue Golem?"

"Yeah. Shit, we wasted a bunch of time," said Melee, hurrying ahead. "Who's our jungler?"

"Yi."

"Fuck. I always hated that guy."

"Yeah, that fucker," mumbled Caster as they raced towards the Blue Golem.

"Wait a minute...if Yi cleared the wolves, then doesn't that mean he cleared the Blue Golem...?"

"Probably. But there's a chance that he was interrupted. Even if the Blue Golem isn't there, we can cross the river and head for our Red. If Yi is clearing the jungle on this side, then he should either be back at base or heading for our Blue on the other side by the time we reach Red."

"Alright, sounds like a plan."

"Shit. Blue camp is gone too."

"Holy shit. Fucking Yi!" said Melee, preparing to dash out of the brush.

"Wait wait! Wha...what the fuck?"

Suddenly, the Ancient Golem and two small lizards had appeared in the Blue camp.

"Is that...the Blue Golem?"

"...What the fuck is going on?" said Caster. The Blue Golem had just spawned now? Even if Yi had killed the Blue Golem, it took five minutes for the golem to respawn. There was no way that they had taken that long to reach the Blue camp. But, then the only possible explanation was...

"The minion waves didn't hit yet?" said Melee, realization flashing across his face.

"Seems like it," said Caster.

That explained why the wolf camp had been empty too. He had assumed that First Blood had been taken during the initial confrontation of minion waves. But of course, First Blood could also be taken before the minion waves arrived.

"Christ, that fucking Alistar. There weren't even any minions..."

"I bet that fucker got Revive."

"Well, whatever. This works out for us. Now we just take care of the Blue Golem and go through the regular jungle path."

"Alright. How should we attack?"

"Ok, listen up. First, you'll distract him by going from the front and then I'll do a triple-axle to the side and Hail Mary on starboard-"

"Wait wait, what? Hail Mary on starboard?"

"Yeah, I know it sounds crazy-"

"Crazy? It doesn't even make sense. What the fuck are you talking about-"

"Look, just shut up, it'll all make sense at the end-"

**"Hey! What the fuck was that?"**

One of the small lizards moved away from the golem and eyed the bush suspiciously.

"Oh shit."

"Shh! He doesn't know we're here."

"Who THE FUCK just said that?"

"...You fucking dumbass," said Caster.

"Get out here! Get the fuck out here right now, whoever you fucking cocksuckers are! I don't give a shit if yo fucking fucking each other's fucker fuck fuck fucking fuck in the fuck! Show yo fucking selves, bitches!"

"Jesus Christ, how many times did he use the word 'fuck'?" muttered Caster as the two minions walked out with their hands raised.

"Oh! Oho! What have we got here? What the FUCK have we got here? Minions! I fucking knew it. What the fuck are you faggots doing in the fucking jungle?"

"Look, calm down man-"

"Calm down? You telling me to calm down? You? YOU, FUCKER?"

"We don't want any trouble-"

"I bet you don't! I bet _you_ don't!" said the lizard, marching up to Melee. "SOMETHING FUNNY, SPAWNSHIT? WHY YOU GOT A SMILE ON YO FACE, HUH? WHY DON'T **YOU** TELL **ME** WHAT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY?"

"No, no, that's just the way my hood is designed. It curves up into a V down there and sometimes people think I'm smiling-"

"DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK? WELL? **DID. I. SAY. YOU COULD. SPEAK?**"

Melee fell silent. The lizard snorted and moved down the line onto Caster.

"Hey man, you better be careful with what you say-"

"I BETTER BE CAREFUL? YOU JUST SAY THAT I BETTER BE CAREFUL? OH, SHIT NO. OHHHH SHIIIITT. Some faggot spawnshit just told me that I better be careful! Well, damn son! I better be fucking careful then!"

The lizard poked Caster in the chest and gave a short laugh. The tip of Caster's wand began glowing violently.

"Oh, what's that? What's that? No, no, don't put it away. Show me yo little Gandalf thing. Yeah, let's see that shit. Oh damn, you fucker. You packing, huh? I'm scared shitless!" said the lizard, tapping the crystal on Caster's wand. "Damn bitch, you gonna kill a troll with this?"

"...No."

"DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER?"

"...No."

"DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK SPANISH?"

"...No."

"DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK ITALIA-"

"JESUS CHRIST, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Instantly, the lizard drew back and flicked out a gun.

"Holy shit!" said Melee, throwing his hands back in the air.

"Holy shit!" said Caster, his eyes riveting on the flintlock single-barreled pistol.

"Yeah, that's right. Not so mouthy now, huh bitch? You know what this is? I ASKED IF YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS."

"Just take it easy-"

"DON'T MAKE ME SHOOT TWICE, BITCH!"

"You didn't even shoot once..."

Melee clamped a hand to his mouth as the lizard turned back to him.

"What was that? Was that what I think I heard? You saying a **COMPLAINT** about what I said?"

"N-No, nothing like that-"

"**I PARLEY YO ASS!**"

"Holy shit, he stole that gun from Gangplank!"

"Yeah, no fucking shit Melee."

"DON'T THINK I BE SCARED TO SHOOT YOU. CAUSE IF I SHOOT YOU, I FUCKING SHOOT YOU!"

This was a disaster. Held at gunpoint by a crazed lizard monster. Caster couldn't believe it. He hadn't expected Gangplank's pistol to show up here. Even though they could probably take a shot and live, the pistol would do enough damage to ruin their chances at getting Blue.

They had no choice. All they could do was ride this thing out and hope that the lizard let his guard down. Which wasn't going to be too hard from the looks of it.

"You know why I'm gonna shoot you, I'm gonna shoot you, yeaaah, I'm fucking gonna shoot you-"

"No, no, don't shoot me-"

"II'mmmmm gonna shoot you-"

"Don't do it-"

"I like gold in my pants."

"W-What?"

"IF I SHOOT YOU, I GET SOME GOLD IN MY PANTS."

"Y-You don't wear pants!"

"SHUT UP. GIMME YO TAIL. GIMME YO FUCKING TAIL."

"I don't have a tail!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you sick pieces of shit, you fucking mutantbabies-"

Caster sighed as the lizard began frisking Melee's robe for some sign of a tail. He lowered his hands and began aiming his wand at the lizard's back-

"Hahahaha!"

All three of them froze as laughter suddenly filled the air. Turning around revealed a second small lizard, looking blankly at nothing and clapping his hands slowly.

"Ha! Ha...haa..haha...haaaa!" The lizard lift his hands up into the air and continued clapping as he laughed.

"What...Charlie! What the fuck you doing!"

"Charlie?" said Melee and Caster.

"Oh, damnn...man. Li...Lis...Listeeen to meeee," said Charlie, a great big smile on his face as he waddled over to the lizard monster. "You want to hear this. Youuu wannttt to heaarr this."

"Fuck, Charlie, I'm fucking busy! Just get back, just get the fuck-FUCK! You reek, Charlie!"

"Nononononono! Don't don't...just listeeen...hahaa...just haha...listen...haha...hahahahaha!"

Charlie broke out into uncontrollable laughter and rolled onto the ground. Melee and Caster gave each other bewildered looks.

"You know...you know," started Charlie again, his words punctuated with gasps and laughs. He raised his index fingers and began pointing at the lizard monster. "You...you look great. You look awesome! **You ARE.**_ The man!"_

"...Is that guy alright?" said Melee under his breath to Caster.

"How the hell would I know?"

"Man...man. Listen. LIISTEEEN."

"Alright! Alright! I'm fucking listening, Charlie. What the fuck you want!"

"Did you...haha...did you know? Haaahaa...this gonna, this gonna blow yo mind. I swear, haha, I I...I...yeah. Blooooooowwww yooo mind!"

"Fuck, Charlie, what the fuck you trying to say-"

"Maaaan look! Look over there! Look at him! _Look at him!_" squeaked Charlie, his voice getting higher with each word. He pointed at the Blue Golem and said, "He's _blue._ Blllluuuuuuuuuuue aaaahahaha!"

Caster and Melee exchanged more looks as Charlie began laughing so hard that he was on the verge of collapsing.

"Hey lizard dude...I don't want to be the one pointing it out but..."

"Yeah...I think Charlie's baked."

"Shut yo mouth! He's not baked! He quit that stuff years ago, so shut yo dirty fucking spawn-"

"Hey man, let me see that!"

Suddenly, Charlie snatched the gun from the lizard's hands and pointed it at them.

"FUCK!"

"HOLY SHIT! Baked guy has the gun!"

"God damn it! And I thought this couldn't get any worse," said Caster, raising his hands up again.

"Ma, man, what is this, man? This...this looks fahnny. Really fahnny," said Charlie, giggling as he waved the gun.

"Yo Charlie, put that thing down-"

"Don't point it here, Charlie-!"

"Christ, get that way from me!"

"Haha, you guys are fahnny. Ha ha haa...what you are guys doing? Man, what you doing, haha."

**BANG!**

A smoking hole appeared on the spot five inches from the end of Caster's robe.

"GOD DAMN IT!" said Caster, jumping into Melee's arms.

"Gah...you're fucking heavy..."

"Jesus Christ, for fuck's sake! Control your fucking friend, you fucking son of a bitch!"

"Wha-what you want me to do?" said the lizard, keeping his eyes on Charlie.

"Do something, you fuck! You're the fucking one that let him get the gun!"

"Yeah! You guys are best pals, right? Do something, you shit!"

"Aite, aite! Calm down, bitches! I got this! I got this!"

**BANG! **

An enormous bloody hole appeared in the lizard's leg, so quickly that only a single drop of blood landed on the ground.

"GAAHHH! AAGGHHH!"

The lizard monster screamed as he fell to the ground, clutching his leg.

"AGGHH! MY LEG! MY FUCKING LEG, CHARLIE! WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING, GAH MY FUCKING LEG!"

Charlie sat next to the Blue Golem and began throwing white bags into the air. They burst as they hit the ground, covering Charlie with snowy dust.

"YEAH! THIS IS GOOD, MAN! THIS. IS. GOOD!"

"Holy shit, is that what I think it is-"

"Seriously, lizard, your friend has a big problem-"

"MY FUCKING LEG!"

Caster waved away the approaching dust and grabbed a hold of Gangplank's gun from the ground. He backed away, aiming it at the Blue Golem.

An idea had just sparked into his mind.

"Hey, bitch. Your lizards just got owned and you can't do shit until we attack you, right?"

The Blue Golem glanced at him through the corner of his eye.

"Charlie there just bust open a bunch of coke. And we all know that coke is cut. With this much dust in the air, if it's cut with flour or sugar, I think we can count on an explosion. So let's play some Russian roulette. Think I'll hit a crit?"

Sweat poured down from the Blue Golem's face as the camp spell forced it to stay immobilized. Caster cocked the gun and grinned.

"Bang."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_Hey guys. Minions are back. It's been a while since an update, mainly because I had some RL stuff to deal with. By the time I came back to the story, I forgot what the hell was going on. Took me a while to sort things out again, but we got a longer chapter to show for it (if you guys like that kind of stuff). Luckily, for those that haven't read in a while, I added a bit of a review in this chapter and the team list, which I may continue adding in the future if it's helpful. Releases will probably be a bit inconsistent and I'll probably be checking through new chapters to make sure there's no continuity errors.  
><em>

_Also, for those having trouble keeping track of which minions are on which team, just remember that whichever team PC is on is the Purple Team.  
><em>


	10. Once Upon a Minion

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p><em>Summoner's Rift. Bottom lane.<em>

* * *

><p>"You really don't know the meaning of restraint, do you Garen?"<p>

"I don't think you should be talking, Twisted Fate. Who was the one throwing cards randomly in three directions?"

"I aim those cards, as you well know. In any case, it's far more precise than your wild spinning. Spin2win, was it?"

"Oh, I aim with my spin too. The spirit of Demacia guides me," said Garen, stretching the tendons in his neck.

"Heh. Well, no matter the means, we accomplished our task. It will be a while before Graves and Soraka come back."

"That's right. Isn't that all that matters? Besides, we have a nice present for Caitlyn when she comes back."

"I suppose so," said Twisted Fate after a short laugh.

The two champions turned to face a road of bloodied, tattered minions. Their robes were shredded and cards were impaled in their flesh, like grave markers. Although they were immobilized from their wounds, not a single one of them had died. Every minion still possessed the sliver of life necessary for a last hit.

"But this is tiresome," said Garen, swinging his sword back and forth in front of him. "How long do we have to mind this lane for Caitlyn?"

"We just have to wait for the next minion wave and then we can move on," said Twisted Fate, taking a seat at the turret's base.

"Aghh...maybe we shouldn't have cleared that wave on the way up here," said Garen, strolling through the rows of minion bodies. "There shouldn't be another minion wave for a while."

"Well, it's fine. We will be regrouping at dragon soon, either way."

"Damn...I really want to spin through a couple more minions..." said Garen impatiently. "When's the next wave coming!"

"You...bastard."

A weak, shaky voice suddenly reached Garen's ears. He stopped flailing his sword around and looked down at his feet. A torn up minion with its face in the ground was clenching his boot.

"Oh? You still have the strength to talk? Impressive little minion, aren't you?"

Garen kicked the hand holding his boot aside and knelt down. The purple caster minion struggled to lift his head. His eyes burned as he stared into the Demacian's face.

"Damn...champions..."

"I can't tell if you're insulting me or praising me," said Garen, chuckling.

"Garen. Don't tease the minions."

Twisted Fate called out from the turret, although his tone sounded more amused than serious.

"What are you saying, Twisted Fate? This little minion has something to say to me. As a proud and noble champion, I have an obligation to hear out what he wants to say."

"Damn champions...you're filth."

"Filth, you say? I can't seem to grasp your meaning, little minion. Just what exactly are you referring to?"

"Leaving us all half-dead...not even having the guts to finish us off...you're fucking despicable. Fucking pieces of shit...that's all you guys are."

"Hahaha...did you hear him, Twisted Fate? He called us despicable. And just what is so despicable about this, minion? Have you never heard of technique? It's quite a feat to bring this many minions to the edge of death and keep them there. Truth be told, I'm being merciful. If I was as truly despicable as you said I am, then I would have killed every single one of you from the very beginning."

"That's better than leaving us here, rotting in the dirt-!"

"Wrong, little minion. Look past your insignificant deaths. What is your purpose here? To assist champions in their battle. Of course, neither Twisted Fate nor I would mind taking your life. Extra gold is always more beneficial. However, Caitlyn is a bit lacking today, so we need to have her come up to scratch. I think that the benefits of a farmed Caitlyn carries more than enough importance for your enduring a few minutes of pain."

"You..._bastard_-"

A few minutes of pain. That was true. In the strictest sense of the time that passed in Summoner's Rift, the pain would only be for a few minutes. Once Caitlyn arrived, she could quickly wipe out half the minions with her Piltover Peacemaker. However, a minion's lifespan was short. Far shorter than that of a champion's. A few minutes in reality, but when considering relativity, that was as much as a year in minion time.

A year of suffering.

A year of feeling your body slowly exploited by soil, infection, rabid insects-

A year of resting in the pool of your own congealing blood-

A year of feeling your body's liquids dribbling out of the wounds, the sense of your life slipping away drop by drop-

The panic-

The fear-

The chilling wave that crept through your limbs-

The agonizing burn from your wounds biting, constantly gnawing, scratching incessantly like crawling spiders inside your skin-

Those that were unconscious were fortunate. They simply had to dream until the end came. But for the rest, the pain, the anxiety, the knowledge of knowing death-

They could not rest.

"This is why I detest talking with minions. They never see sense..."

"Come now, Garen. How can you expect a minion to understand a champion's point of view? Their lives are just a blink compared to ours. Show some pity."

"You're right, Twisted Fate. It's not often that you see a minion with integrity and determination. I value that highly, minion."

Garen sighed and stood up.

"Very well, minion. I will tell Caitlyn to kill you last. Although it's perhaps not in the best of conditions, you do get the chance to live a little longer. Do what you will and be proud of it, minion. It is not often that a minion lives this long in front of a champion."

_Proud? PROUD? You call this living...leaving us unable to even die, be proud of this fucking bullcrap, fuck you, fuck you DON'T FUCKING SPOUT THAT SHIT, I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL YOU FUCKING CHAMPION, YOU FUCKER-_

_I won't let you go..._

_I WON'T LET YOU WALK AWAY FROM THIS-_

_**YOU-**_

_"AGHHH!"_

_**FUCKING BASTARD!**_

Garen cried out as sharp pain ignited in his lower leg. A melee minion lance had stabbed through the flesh, scraping against the bone as it passed. The half-dead caster minion smirked wearily as his hand fell away from the lance's hilt.

"Min..._minion_..." said Garen, his words coming out unsteadily as he took deep, jagged breaths of anger. His lips curled and his teeth grinded against each other as he jerked the caster minion up with one hand.

The minion uttered a hoarse laugh as his legs dangled in the air.

"You...said that I could do what I want..."

Every muscle from the cords of his neck down to the clenched hand around the minion's neck tightened. Garen's expression, which had been appraising and somewhat entertained by the minion earlier, was now etched with fury.

"You..._little_-!"

"Garen!"

Garen's sword stopped an inch from the minion's neck. Twisted Fate had gotten off the turret and moved to a few steps behind Garen.

"Calm yourself, Garen. He's baiting you," said Twisted Fate, putting a steady hand on Garen's shoulder.

"Baiting? It's simply the truth," said the minion, barely able to push air out his throat. The grip around his neck had stopped tightening, but did not loosen.

Garen took a deep breath through his nose and then exhaled out his mouth.

"You're right, Twisted Fate. I almost lost myself there. Thank you."

Garen lowered the minion from the air, but did not relinquish his grip. With his free hand, Garen took his sword and stabbed it through a fold of the minion's robe..

"What...what are you doing?" said the minion as he was lifted back into the air again. Garen placed the sword against his shoulder so that the minion hung off his back. "Just kill me already!"

"Oh no, little minion. You are special. I have already told you that you are a minion I hold in high esteem. Because of that, I offered to extend your life. Yet, you returned the favor by wounding my leg."

The sound of splashing water reached the minion's ears as Garen began wading into the river. _What's he doing...where are we going...?_

"To a special minion like that, I can't simply kill you. How could I? Such an ignoble death...hardly worthy for a minion of your stature."

Heavy breaths expelled from the caster minion's mouth. Every time Garen moved, the Demacian's shoulder struck into the minion's solarplex. He could scarcely breathe. And his mind continued to race, trying to understand, trying to reveal Garen's intentions from his rambling speech.

_We're heading for the dragon..._

Suddenly, a thought blossomed in the minion's mind.

_He's going to feed me to the dragon! Haha...is that all? Is that all you can fucking think of, you fucking worthless champion. Now that's something Garen-like, isn't it! You muscle-headed retard! That's right, feed me to the dragon. Like I fucking care! It'll probably turn on you! You moron...fucking moron...haha...hahaha..._

Garen came to a stop. The dragon was nowhere in sight.

_Wait...what-_

"This looks like a good spot. What do you think, minion?"

"What...what are you..."

"You haven't figured it out yet? Well, I suppose that's all I should have expected from a minion..."

_What is this fool talking about...? It's not the dragon? Then what's he planning? There's nothing here...no brush, no turrets...just the river..._

"There are a lot of spells in this place," said Garen, looking up at the cloud-ridden sky. "Magical warfare nearly tore apart Runeterra in the past and that is why we champions do battle in the Fields of Justice. These spells contain and protect the rest of the world from the conflict between city-states."

"...So what?"

"So, little minion. Just how many spells do you think have been cast on you?"

_What?_

"What are you..."

"Have you ever received damage from anything other than a champion or another minion?"

Uncontrollable shivers ran through the minion's body. _What's he talking about? Of course I haven't, I mean, isn't that obvious, there's no way that a minion would-_

_No way that a minion would-_

_..._

_No way that a minion would...?_

_..._

The minion's eyes widened as his mind captured the thought.

_What am I talking about?_

"What do you think, little minion? Do you think it will kill you?"

"...Kill me?" _What will-_

"Being drowned."

_Drowned._

The word pierced through the cloud in the minion's mind. He jerked violently, his back impaling on the sharp blade. Screaming as hot blood splattered down his back, he tore the robe on the blade's edge and fell into the river. Clouds of red began staining the blue water as the minion scrabbled through the river, clawing at rocks and pads, propelling himself as far away as possible-

Garen's large hand wrapped around his bleeding wound. The minion shrieked in pain as the Demacian lifted him into the air once again.

"Don't run, minion. What happened to all your courage?"

_No no stop don't don't don't don't_

"It's fascinating, really. There are many champions that would react the same as you are if they faced the prospect of drowning. But you...you're simply a minion. A mindless soldier that fears death? Such a thing is hardly possible..."

_DON'T!_

"But...all facts of life must be confirmed."

"NO-!"

Cold water exploded into the minion's mouth, throwing his words back down his throat. His limbs thrashed, trying to find some purchase in the water, something to grab onto and pull himself out-

Garen's hand thrust his head down deeper into the water. The movement forced water into the minion's nose, causing him to cough and release the rest of his air. His mouth snapped shut immediately, cutting into his tongue. Bubbles frothed in the water as the minion screamed, speckles of blood seen in the mist underneath. Garen pushed the minion down until his face was grinding into the grimey soil at the bottom.

_LET ME GO-_

_LET ME GO, YOU FUCKER!_

_GET OFF-_

_GET THE FUCK OFF!_

_I'LL MURDER YOU, I'LL FUCKING RIP YOUR HEART OUT, YOU FUCKER, YOU FUCKING FUCKER, I'LL KILL YOUI'LLKILLYOU!_

His limbs burned. His lungs throbbed with such strength that it felt as his ribs would burst out of his chest. He thrashed and thrashed and thrashed, but he could not get his head up. The water was sticking to his arms and legs, weighing them down, dragging them to death-

_NO! NO! I WON'T DIE! I WON'T! THIS WON'T KILL ME! CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!_

But he couldn't. Water had already begun to enter his lungs, triggering his gag reflex. He coughed and sputtered, trying to expel the water from his system, but Garen's hold only forced more water past his lips. He knew he wouldn't die. He knew that he was safe. But his body didn't believe him. His body continued to struggle, to grow tired, to grow cold and lethargic, and his mind succumbed to its belief.

_He was lying..._

_I'm going to die..._

_I'm losing consciousness..._

_This is it..._

_This is the end..._

Simple words. Simple phrases. But the terrifying fear expanded inside of him like a bomb. He couldn't hold it in. His thrashings stopped, but his body continued to shiver. His mouth refused to open, even as his lungs thudded against his chest. When lack of air forced his teeth apart, more water would come in, and his jaw would lock his mouth close. And then it would open again, sucking in more water, mixing with bile and vomit in his esophagus-

"AGHH! HAAA!"

The minion tried to vomit water out of his mouth while sucking in air at the same time. The water erupted from his mouth, dribbling down his chin and showering like rain on the river's surface.

"Well, well. It looks like you didn't die after all," said Garen, holding the minion up. The minion didn't reply. He only gasped desperately for air, filling the body which had tightened so severely that every single muscle had cramped. He was in agony and tears were streaming down his face.

But he was alive.

He was alive.

"You're quite lucky. Let's try again."

_**NO-**_

But it was too late. Once again, his face broke through the water's surface.

And once again, the frightening terror seized him.

* * *

><p><em>His body floated limply along the surface of the river. His head was bent, trailing aimlessly forward. <em>

_"..."_

_His eyes and lips were gone. They had been devoured by small creatures in the river._

_"...st."_

_His last sight had been the murky blue of the water. Blurred and dark._

_"...ast."_

_Fifteen times. He had been plunged into the water fifteen times before dying._

"Cast!"

Cast opened his eyes. Beside him, Mill was shaking his sleeve, looking concerned. They were at the beginning of bottom lane, trailing behind a siege minion.

"...I'm sorry. I had a blank," said Cast, rubbing his eyes.

"Are you alright? You looked like you were in pain."

"No...just an unpleasant memory."

"I see," said Mill, letting go of his sleeve. "The first minion wave has made contact. First Blood was taken."

"First Blood...? Who was killed?"

"Rammus. I believe that Katarina was in the lane with him."

"And our team has Irelia in bottom lane? Strange...I wonder what made the champions make such a decision..."

"But this may be useful for us. Irelia is alone in the lane."

"Yes...this may turn out to be in our favor..."

Cast looked up at the cloud-ridden sky. Always the same sky. No matter when he stood on the field.

He couldn't help but smile bitterly.

"As the first minion wave has hit, that must mean that dragon will spawn soon?"

"Yes. I'm sure that the jungle monsters have already spawned."

"I see," said Cast. "Then we only have to wait a little longer."

"Also...we received news from the Blue team."

"And that is?"

"Two minions were found leaving the base before the battle began."

"Oh? How strange. Where were they headed?"

"We don't know. They simply left and haven't been seen since. However, they didn't seem to be PCs..."

"I see. Well, perhaps we'll come across them. And of PC?"

"He is still with his protege, Primey. Ashe and Sona have joined them up in top lane."

"Ashe has? I see...perhaps the lane change wasn't a random decision after all."

"The rest of us are waiting for your command," said Mill.

"I see. It seems things are going smoothly so far," said Cast, moving forward. "But do not forget, Mill. There are still many secrets that Summoner's Rift holds. We should be cautious to the very last step."

"Understood."

Cast looked back up at the sky once last time. His eyes hardened as the memory flashed through his mind again.

That sky...

That unchanging sky...

"Mill."

"Yes, Cast?"

The bitter smile lingered on Cast's lips as he lowered his head.

"Have you ever seen such a despairing sky?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**_ So it begins. May be slowing down after this. I don't know, I'm pretty fickle with times._


	11. Once Upon a Minion - 2

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"...Ah. Shit."<p>

Wolves. The wolves in the jungle had gotten him. Any moment now, he was going to die. Unable to escape their clutches, Melee had only survived because the binding of the wolf camp had been too strong for the wolves to escape. Just as Melee made one last desperate roll into one of the bushes, the wolves had been forced to retreat.

He laughed bitterly as blood from the slash marks ran down his torso. If only he had been a minion. Minions could respawn after death. Well, then again, he wasn't sure if that applied to wolves. Perhaps it wouldn't have mattered. He would've died anyways.

It was karma after all.

It was what he deserved.

_She died because of me._

The beautiful female minion. He hadn't even learned her name. And yet, he had brought her to her death.

It was all his fault.

"Shit. I have such a bad taste in my mouth right now," muttered Melee as the drifting sky over his head blurred. He had tried to make it to the Blue base, but he had only gotten as far as the entrance to the jungle. The ominously glowing turret had stopped his progress. There was nowhere left for him to go. Nothing left for him to do.

_Just die already._

All his fault.

He was a murderer.

"I didn't even know female minions existed," said Melee, laughing with a slightly hysteric edge. It was true though. Female minions were the stuff of legends. Having seen a female minion that was as beautiful as a champion...

Seriously, maybe he had dreamed it all?

"That'd be nice, I guess," muttered Melee. His vision was darkening. Strength and feeling had began to leave his limbs. So, this was the end. This was what death felt like. It really wasn't as bad as what people made it out to be. Was he scared? Sure. He was scared. But that was all. Perhaps, it was fortunate that Melee was the one dying instead of someone else.

Because Melee was more frightened of the life he was leaving behind than the void of death.

What had he done with his life? Fought. Killed. Done nothing but put his life at stake, like it was a bunch of gambling chips. Wasn't it fitting that when he died, no one was there to see him? That he died a dog's death, killed by a bunch of feral dogs in the first place.

He wanted to laugh.

But he felt tears in his eyes instead.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

But the gnawing feeling wouldn't go away. The hole in his stomach was expanding. Even at death, the guilt continued to curse him. Spite him. Stamp on him while he was down.

A waste. Her death had been a waste. He hadn't even been able to apologize to her husband. The one in the Blue base.

The one he had hoped to see before he died.

But wasn't that for the best? What would he do if he met her husband? Beg for forgiveness? Apologize? Try to make him understand that it had been a turn of unfortunate events beyond his control?

Fuck it.

He would rather die alone in the jungle than do a shameless thing like that. Whatever the reason, he was responsible for her death. There was no getting around it.

There was no running away from it.

"...y."

A distant echo rang in his ears. Was this the so-called bells of heaven calling for him? He was so sure that he'd be sent to hell, or wherever the fuck minions went. Well, maybe even the guys up top made mistakes. Maybe they thought, poor little guy. He got killed by wolves, can you believe that? Let's give him a break.

Yeah. Give me a break. I couldn't do anything. It was out of my hands. I'm innocent.

**I'm innocent.**

"GAAAHH!"

Melee screamed as blood suddenly burst from his mouth like a geyser. He gasped painfully as his insides writhed violently, feeling as if they would explode out of his stomach.

_INNOCENT?_

_YOU'RE INNOCENT?_

_DON'T FUCKING JOKE AROUND._

_WHO'S INNOCENT?_

_YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY THAT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT?_

_DIE!_

_YOU BETTER FUCKING DIE!_

_DIE IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE, YOU TRASH. YOU FUCKING SCUM!_

"Hey! HEY! Stop-stop moving! Hold still!"

"AGGHH! AAAHHHHH!"

He couldn't bear it. His body was renewed with energy, but only to thrash, to shriek in pain as he was burned and shredded into pieces. Soon, his throat locked. His veins popped and blood began spewing from every orifice he possessed as he mouthed desperately at the air, unable to even release a shout now.

He fell slack. He felt every muscle loosen. This was it. Everything was spent now. His eyes were closing.

This was the end of his life.

"Haa...haa...shit. Maybe I hit him with too much power."

Caster wiped the sweat from his brow as the crystal on his wand dimmed. He had struck the guy with a magic blast, hoping to knock some sense back into him. The guy had stopped thrashing around, but now there was even more blood leaking out of his body.

"Shit. This was a new robe too..."

On that day, Melee was brought into the Blue base on Caster's back, his wounds tightly wrapped with strips of blue fabric.

* * *

><p>"Yeah, so I fucked that chick up real good, cause damn hoe, you don't fuck with Big Harry."<p>

"Yeah? What'd you do to her?"

"Taught that bitch a lesson. A real good lesson. You know how hard it is to find someone who can make a decent Reuben sandwich nowadays?"

"You didn't. You fucking didn't. Really?"

"Damn straight."

"Shit, let me come over man. I love Reubens."

"Oh, hey. It's Marco. Yo, Marco!"

"What the fucking hell do you want, Harold? If it's bullshit, I'll kill you. I'm being hardcore about this."

"Nice to see you too, Marco."

"Oh, you're here too, Lion-O? What do _you_ want? I'll kill you."

"You mean, if it's bullshit, you'll kill me?"

"No, I just want to kill you. I fucking hate you. Get the fuck away from me. Ten feet at all times, bitch. Don't look at me. Don't listen to me. Don't you even think about me."

"Yo, Marco. You like Reuben sandwiches, right?"

"Yeah. I like them."

"Good, cause I'm having a party tonight and my bitch is making me sandwiches."

"I'll kill her."

"Lay off, Marco. What's got you so pissy today?"

"I'm not pissy. I'm happy. Didn't you hear about the new minion recruit?"

"Yeah. He's not a real recruit yet though. What was his name? Meaty?"

"Melee. I'll fucking kill him."

"Yeah, you go do that."

"Yo, you think he likes Reubens?"

"I don't know. Why don't you go ask?"

"Naw, he's still healing up. I'd be a bitch if I go ask him about some sandwiches right now."

"I'll fucking kill those sandwiches."

"That was some sight though. When Caster came in with that guy, I was like 'SHIT MAN. WHAT THE FUCK?'"

"Fucking looked like he got put through a blender."

"Fucking kill that blender."

"Seriously, Marco. Shut up."

"You know I said ten feet at all times? It'll be ten feet under if you don't mind your own damn business."

"Oooh, I'm scared."

"Chill out, Lion-O."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I just don't think it's really funny to make a joke when we're talking about a guy who almost got killed by wolves."

"...Fucking kill those wolves."

"You're a jackass, Marco."

"How's that fucker doing anyways? Any of you heard?" said Marco, fending off Lion-O's punches.

"Pretty good for a broken bitch. Caster's been taking care of him. They're like bros now."

"Yeah? I'll kill him."

"Naw, I don't think you want to," said Big Harry. "Or more like, you might be too late."

* * *

><p>"AAAHHHH!"<p>

Melee threw Caster away from him, slamming the minion into the wall. He scampered away, his eyes wild and his teeth grinding cracks into each other.

"Melee, stop!"

Caster lunged forward, ignoring the pulsing pain from the dozens of bruises on his body. His hands grappled with Melee's, trying to tear away his fingers from the knife.

"Get away...get away...GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

Caster flinched as Melee slashed the knife at his face. They had been fighting for the past hour. Caster's hands were bleeding from so many cuts that it was a wonder that his fingers hadn't fall off yet.

"Melee...put the knife down."

"Shut up...stay away..." said Melee, his voice low and trembling. He held the knife out threateningly.

"Melee, it's me. Caster. Calm down."

"I know...I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"

"No, I don't think you do. I'm your friend, Melee."

"Don't..."

"Melee-"

"SHUT UP!" shouted Melee, thrusting the knife at his own neck. Caster instantly drew his wand and fired a blast at Melee's hand. The knife flew into the air, glinting dangerously. It clattered as it fell and bounced on the ground.

Melee clenched his hand and fell to his knees. The back of his fist was blackened and smoking.

"Melee, are you alrigh-"

"WHY! Why are you stopping me? Why did you save me!"

'Melee-"

"You should've let me die! Why didn't you! Why the fuck did you save me, you son of a bitch! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

Melee panted heavily. Dark bags were under his eyes and the minion robe that he had been given was ripped and stained with blood. It had only been a week since he had been brought into the Blue base and his wounds had reopened from his sudden movements. Before, he had been too worn out to do anything while getting his wounds treated. But now that he had regained some of his strength, a kind of madness had possessed Melee.

Karma.

He had escaped karma.

But that wasn't the way things were supposed to be.

He was supposed to die.

_He_ _had to die_

Suddenly, Melee's face lit up. He didn't have the knife, but there was still a way. He grinned and opened his mouth.

Caster realized what he was planning in an instant. In the next second, he leapt across the room and jammed his hand down Melee's mouth.

"GAH!"

Caster cried out as Melee's teeth sunk into his hand. But that was fine. He had made it. If he had been a second later, Melee would've bitten through his own tongue.

"Do you really want to die that badly?" said Caster, his words hoarse as Melee's teeth continued sinking into his flesh. But he couldn't back out. Melee was planning on swallowing his own tongue and suffocating. It was possible, but the chances were slim. It was a tactic full of desperation. Caster clenched his teeth as Melee bit harder in response.

"Ghh! Damn it, Melee!" said Caster, his face twisted with pain. "...I don't know why you want to die. I don't know what happened to you or what you're thinking, but this isn't something you should ever do!"

_Shut up, shut up, shut up-_

_YOUR WIFE IS DEAD BECAUSE OF ME!_

Caster. That was the name. The name of her husband.

He knew it was him. There was no mistaking it.

He had the same Doran's Ring on his hand that she had worn on hers.

_You don't know. You're only saying that because you don't know. If you knew, you wouldn't give a shit! You'd kill me yourself!_

He'd tell him. He'd tell this self-righteous bastard. Exactly what happened to his wife. Exactly how she died. He'd tell him every single detail and then he'd understand. Maybe then he wouldn't be so arrogant! Something he shouldn't ever do? Bullshit. BULLSHIT. It was what he HAD TO DO. It was the only way, the only way to make things right!

_You want to know? You want to know, don't you, you son of a bitch. I'll tell you. I'll tell you ALL OF IT. I'LL GRIND IT INTO YOUR EARS AND THEN LET'S SEE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY THEN. LET'S SEE IF YOU THINK I STILL DESERVE TO LIVE, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!_

Melee jerked his head to the side and spat out Caster's hand. He wiped the blood from his mouth and raised his face-

"You want to know why? I'll tell you why! It's because your wi-"

The words slammed back into Melee's throat as, suddenly, Caster's fist drove into his face. The force of his blow was so great that Melee was thrown into the wall, the impact causing him to bite down fiercely into his tongue.

"AHHH! AHHH...AGH...GAH!"

Melee's hands clamped over his mouth and he hunched over the ground, all thoughts wiped by the pain that was flooding into his head. He retched from the intensity of it, dribbling bile and blood onto the floor. A few feet away, Caster was staring down at him, breathing hard.

"Hurts? Yeah, I bet it does," said Caster, cracking his knuckles. Melee replied with a muffled scream. "Did you say I should've let you die? Yeah...right. Someone like you doesn't deserve to die. You think that'll help you? You think it'll do some good? Fuck! If you really think that, then you have no fucking clue!"

Melee tightened his fist and glared at Caster. It hurt. It fucking hurt. His cheek, his mouth, his tongue, his chest, everywhere, it fucking hurt.

"I can tell. I _know_. I can see it in your eyes. The only reason you want to die is because that's the only thing you're not scared of. You _want to die_ because you _want to escape._ Isn't that right, you fucker!"

"So what..." said Melee in a rattling breath. "So what! You going to tell me something like 'A man doesn't run away?' Hah...HAH! My way's wrong, is that it?"

The look Caster gave him stopped him. It held back the rest of the words he wanted to say. It held back his breath for the slightest of seconds. A look of pity and concern.

A sorrowful expression.

_What are you...don't look at me. Don't look at me like that!_

"There's nothing wrong with running away," said Caster quietly. "But I don't think that's what you were aiming for."

"What do you know..."

"I don't. I don't know anything about you. All I know is that it'd be too sad if you just died for no reason."

_But there is a reason. There is a reason..._

...

_I'm scared._

_...I just want to close the door._

Melee raised his head to meet Caster's eyes.

"Melee. If you die, it's over. It's not going to help anyone. It's not going to save you. It just means, that's it. That's all you could do."

_That's right..._

_What else can I do...?_

"Do you really think you dying will change anything? Do you really think that the only thing left for you to do is die?"

Melee didn't answer. He couldn't answer. His mind was empty. His heart was frozen.

What was the point in closing the door when the monster was already inside?

"If you really think so...then I'll help."

Caster picked up the knife from the floor and held it out to Melee. Melee stared blankly at the knife, at the reflection of himself in the knife.

A pitiful minion with sunken eyes and defeat etched into his body.

...

It was truly disgusting.

"Kill me," said Melee. "I can't...see myself anymore..."

Caster closed his eyes.

"Alright."

He raised the knife. Melee bowed his head.

The knife swung down.

And stabbed into the floor.

"An outsider named Melee died today. Caster minion Caster killed him with a knife."

Melee stared at Caster in confusion.

"We have a new recruit with us today. His name is Melee. No longer an individual, but a minion. The melee minion Melee."

Caster held out his bloodied hand and smiled.

"Good to see you here, comrade."

* * *

><p>"And that's why I was so pissed at these wolves."<p>

"...You know, these wolves weren't the ones that slaughtered your ass."

"Yeah, well, fuck wolves."

"...Whatever, just give me back Madred's."

"You know, having a 20% chance to do 300 magic damage to any target minion/monster makes me feel pretty badass."

"With great power comes great responsibility. Hand it over."

"Nah, I think I'll hold onto it."

"Would you convince your husband, Summoner Lady? You know this idiot's just going to hurt himself with those."

"Melee, sweetie-"

"No, Summoner Lady! Stop taking Caster's side in all of this! I have a logical construct backing me up here! The physical damage dealer with higher attack speed should have Madred's!"

"Shut the hell up and hand that thing over!"

"No!"

"I'm going to fucking beat the shit out of you if you don't give me that Madred's-"

"Save me, honey!"

"Run left, no right! He's coming back around, reverse direction-!"

_You know Caster...the truth is I did something unforgiveable to you..._

_To me? What are you talking about? You didn't even know me until a week ago-_

_I want to tell you. But...it's just not in me..._

_...I see. Well, whatever. That's fine with me._

_...Huh?_

_If it's something unforgiveable, then I probably don't even want to know. It's fine if you don't want to tell me right now. Though, if you feel like telling me in the future, I wouldn't be against it either._

_...Heh. That's all?_

_Just the beginning, man. Just the beginning. So, if you ever feel like spilling your guts out, I'll be here to beat the shit out of you._

_Like you could do that..._

_What was that? _

_You heard me. Bitch._

_You know, I don't hold back on comrades. Even if I did save your life._

_Yeah? Bring it on, pussy._

Give me your best shot.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_R.I.P. Melee._


	12. What Wuju Like?

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"What...the <em>fuck<em> is this?"

"Great idea, hoebag. Let's send all the other casters to top. More space for us, you said. All of it to ourselves, you said. ALL OF IRELIA, YOU ASSHOLE?"

"Fucking...god damn it! What the hell happened!? This doesn't even make sense! Irelia is not bottom material, FFS! What is this, PBE meta?"

"Well, at least Irelia can farm without worrying about pushing."

"Yeah. Thanks for telling me how my plan ended up being beneficial to Irelia. Now tell me how the FUCK PC GOT SONA AND ASHE!"

"Seems like it was Ashe's idea to switch lanes..."

"Perfect. This is just fucking perfect."

"Christ, I never should've listened to you. You know, this is the reason why I'm your only friend."

"My _only_ friend? Who'd you learn to count from, an Olympics judge?"

"Right, right. Have you been keeping up with the current Olympics?"

"Yeah, I have. Total screw-up. What the hell are those officials smoking?"

"Did you really watch the Olympics?"

"I told you, I've been keeping up on it. Through Facebook."

"Oh right, about Facebook. I heard that Lion-O from the Blue team got caught wanking it in the showers."

"No way. You're kidding."

"Totally serious."

"That's messed up."

"Fuck yeah it is."

"Why do we have a Thundercat here?"

"That's what I'm saying!"

"God, who's running this show?"

"Ain't you or me, or else this bullshit with Sona wouldn't have happened."

"No kidding. Alright, forget it. Maybe we'll be lucky and Irelia has a nice skin."

"Irelia with a nice skin..."

"Yeah, shut up. I know."

"By the way, where the fuck is Irelia?"

"She's not here? Great, I don't have to see that ugly bitch for a few more secon-"

"Hey, what the fuck! Why are you guys just standing around? Get back into posit-"

The two Nexus Caster minions stopped as bottom lane came into view.

"...Holy shit. What the fuck happened here?"

* * *

><p>Ashe grimaced as she tore the silver bolt from her thigh. It hadn't gone in very deep, but the wound wouldn't stop bleeding. She flipped an arrow from her quiver and grasped it tightly with her hand. She took a short inhale of breath, then stabbed it into the wound.<p>

The pain hit in bursts and Ashe could barely suppress her voice. She drew in deep breaths as splinters of ice sealed and froze the wound. Once she was satisfied, Ashe broke the arrow from the ice and tossed it aside. Thick ice also coated the left side of her face.

Outside the bush, the sounds of swords clanging and cannons booming filled the air. Gunpowder and blood stained the ground. The bodies of minions were piling up on top of broken weapons and armors. As hopeless as it seemed, the battle was evenly matched. Ashe had been able to farm well, the extra gold from Hawkeye allowing her to keep up with the aggressive Vayne. Each confrontation had whittled away at Alistar and Vayne's health. However, even with ice-crusted wounds all over her body, Vayne had taken every opportunity to fire her bolts, focusing solely on Ashe. The never-ending barrage of attacks had emptied Sona's mana supply and forced them to take refuge in the bushes.

"Heal me once your mana has returned, Sona."

Sona nodded, although she didn't seem to be listening. Ashe couldn't blame her. The huddled figure next to her was a pitiful sight.

"KEEP PUSHING!"

The bushes swept aside as PC came crashing in. His enormous body was caked with blood and he was panting heavily. He wiped his face and moved carefully towards Ashe and Sona.

"How is he?" said PC hoarsely.

"He wasn't hurt badly. There's only a shallow wound on his waist. But..."

Sona bit her lips and continued patting Primey. The minion shook uncontrollably at her touch.

"Primey..."

"How's our current situation?"

Although Ashe felt a pang at PC's concerned gaze for Primey, she still needed to ask. PC glanced at her understandingly before speaking.

"...Ah don't know what they were thinking, but we only have two melee minions with us and Primey's one of them. Ah'm sorry, Ashe, but it's going to be hard on you."

With only two melee minions, the minion waves on Ashe's side would never push as far as the Blue team's. The caster minions' higher range meant that they wouldn't need to push as far as a melee minion to hit the enemy casters. Thus, Ashe would not be able to safely farm off the rear enemy minions. Of course, on the other side, Vayne had less pushing melee minions to farm from, but the safety zone for her farming was still quite large. With less opportunities to farm and Ashe forced to go deeper into enemy lines, Vayne had many chances to abuse her larger safety zone and harass.

"I don't think Vayne foresaw this, but nevertheless, it's a troubling factor..."

Ashe bit her thumbnail. The benefits of changing lanes were lost. So far it was even because Vayne was on the offensive, but as time went on, Ashe's farm would reduce and the harass would only grow stronger. These interferences with the battle had changed the flow for the worst. If Sona left now, they would be pushed to the turret. This would only quicken her decay in farm.

"Can we have the caster minions switch to attacking physically with their wands?"

"They can, but they won't survive long-"

"I know," said Ashe, lowering her eyes. "I'm-"

Ashe clamped her mouth shut before the sentence was finished. There was no point. No matter what she said, she was still sacrificing minions so that she could kill more minions. It was an endless slaughter that she could not stop. One started by her own hands.

A bitter taste filled Ashe's mouth. _After all they said...after all _I _said. In the end, none of it mattered. In the end, I'm still doing the same thing._

Even after Primey...

"For now, Ah'll have the next wave slow their march. When they arrive here, we should be pushed to the turret."

Ashe nodded. The one good thing about all these caster minions was that they provided an even wall and their range meant that there was less chance of the turret eating the farm. PC took one more look at Primey before moving out again. After Sona regained her mana, they would regroup at the turret.

_But...Primey..._

Primey continued shivering even as Sona cradled him against her breasts. Except for that, Primey exerted no other movements. His eyes were wild, but empty. The eyes of a minion that had seen the truth of the battlefield.

The brutality, the violence, the futility of their actions-

The cruel deaths of minions for the sake of gold and experience-

Lambs, feeding bloodthirsty beasts-

All of it had been said. And now, Primey had seen it all firsthand. He realized that there was no lie in those words.

The moment Vayne had entered the battlefield, a zooming bolt had shot through the head of the minion standing next to Primey. But he didn't die immediately. His health was still too high. The minion simply screamed with pain as his body was forced by magic to move and fight.

Fighting with blood spilling out of his skull, splinters of bone and sinew covering his face-

The minion fought, only to have lances slice through his body. In seconds, he was laden with holes. The minion fell to the ground, his screams fading away, his weapon dropping with a clatter onto the ground.

And Primey, his face stained with specks of the minion's blood, could only watch in horror.

_What...what is this? Blood? There shouldn't be any blood, haha...this is...there's not supposed to be any...this isn't supposed to be like this-_

"PRIMEY!"

Primey cried out as a dark shadow moved over him. He scrambled backwards, falling onto the ground, covering his face with his hands.

"GRHH!"

PC groaned as he tore the bolt that had pierced into his extended hand. He grabbed Primey and hugged him to his chest, flashes of hot energy blasting at his back. Like a tank, PC roared and charged past the other minions, flinging Primey into the rear zone.

"WAKE UP, PRIMEY!"

PC turned just in time to see a melee minion slash at him with his lance. PC parried the blow with his hand and swiftly slammed the butt of his wand into the minion's chin. The minion staggered back and fell, finished off by an icy arrow.

"All minions, build a wall! Don't let them get to the champions!"

PC shouted orders, throwing random enemies aside with a thrust of his shoulders. His enormous size made the enemy minions balk, but the magic spells forced them to run straight at him.

Primey grunted as a minion slammed into his side. He stumbled sideways, only to be hit again by a rushing caster. He tripped and fell back onto the ground, his breathing heavy, his ears picking up the shrieking sound of battle too slowly to make anything out. He cradled his head and tried to focus his swaying vision.

_Get up...Get up! Don't stop! You're going to get killed! They're going to fucking kill you, so get the fuck up!_

But he couldn't get up. His hands would not listen. He couldn't feel any strength in his legs. His mind kept screaming, screaming at him to move, to do something before he was trampled to death.

But still, he could not move.

Still, he was frozen with something so heavy that he couldn't even lift his head.

_No...this...this isn't it. This isn't supposed to be...stop...all of you stop...what are you guys doing? We can't win...we can't...I can't..._

_Stop it._

_Stop it._

_Just stop...just...run away..._

_LET ME RUN AWAY!_

The tip of a lance appeared in Primey's face. He cried out as the weapon missed his face by mere centimeters. He rolled to the side, but lost his balance and fell back down. The lance stabbed at the spot he had been in just seconds ago. He staggered to his feet and leaped again, barely dodging the lance once more. Every time he turned, the lance was almost upon him. And every time he moved, he avoided the lance. But he could feel the weapon getting closer. He could feel the tip of that lance hovering over his skin, like a burning coal. Any minute now, it would light him on fire. It would consume him, destroy him. It only took one wrong move. And he was moving, wrong, wrong, wrong, every single move was only a step closer to death, WRONG-

A horrible rasp tore from the melee minion's mouth as Ashe's arrow struck right into his chest. He looked down at Primey, his eyes glassy and unfocused, tilting towards him-

"No...no...NO!"

But it was too late. The enemy minion's corpse fell on top of Primey, trapping him in place.

And around him, the stomping of boots, the cries of death, the whistle of red mist filling the air-

Primey couldn't push the minion off him. His hands slipped and shook so hard that he had dropped his own lance long ago.

_What the fuck is this...This is like hell. What the fuck. What the FUCK!_

_Get off me! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!_

But the minion didn't respond. It seemed to hug him tighter, pressing him more deeply into the trembling earth.

_Ahh...ahhh...no...no..no no no no-!_

_PC...PC! Save me, PC...ASHE! SONA! CASTERS! SOMEONE-_

_PLEASE SOMEONE-_

_ANYONE..._

_Save...Sav...__**Save...**_

_...Me._

But no one came. No one heard Primey's pleas. No one could see him. No one cared.

Ashe and Sona hadn't noticed Primey's absence. Alistar had ambushed them from inside the bushes and only Sona's quick thinking had kept Ashe an inch from death. PC and the minions were hard at support, but the enemy fought just as hard. With silver bolts falling in showers from her newly healed wounds, Ashe fired a volley at the swarm of enemies and managed a few last hits. She stepped back to receive Sona's last heal when a faint sound reached her ears.

"...me. ...ve...se...ve...me..."

The sound came from around her feet. Ashe knelt down and a silver bolt whooshed through the air. Ashe quickly dug through the piled corpses until she found Primey, curled into a ball.

"Ashe..."

"Primey! Get up!"

"No...no NO! NO!"

Primey sobbed and threw himself at Ashe's feet. Ashe tried to pull him away, but the minion's grip was tight. She couldn't move. When a silver bolt flew through the air towards her eye, she couldn't react.

The renting scream from the Frost Archer echoed across the minion lines. PC turned back for a second, but then looked away with gritted teeth.

"Stay in formation! Do not give an INCH!"

And the battle continued.

* * *

><p>Master Yi, like many others, was thinking about Sona's breasts. He did not know why she was so shy, despite dressing in such a way that her soft cleavage peeked out over the edge of her top like the sun rising over the horizon. It gave him warmth and happiness, so he could find no reason why Sona was so sensitive about it. Especially when he touched them. It was only natural. In a world as cold as Runeterra, a place filled with chaos and conflicted emotions, it was instinct to reach out for something as comforting as her breasts.<p>

"As for Ashe, believe me Sona Buvelle when I say that hers would undoubtedly be as cold as her namesake when compared to your wondrously tender flesh."

"Go to hell Yi."

"Ah, hell. A fire that can rival my passion, but not the gentleness of my touch. I am called a Master for a reason."

"I don't care!"

"But you do not resist. You are still here, no?"

"Only to leash for you, you sick scumbag pervert."

"I believe otherwise," said Yi, leaning his face closer to Sona's. The mute maven blushed unconsciously at his proximity and averted her eyes. Yi's lips hovered over Sona's ear as he whispered. "Do you disagree?"

"O-Of course! G-get...get away from me..."

The voice in Yi's head grew fainter as he gently placed the palm of his hand on the sloping curve of her back. Their bodies naturally gravitated to each other, the fabrics from their clothes rustling as they brushed. Yi's breath was hot on the side of her face.

"If you want me away, then you will have to force me. For you pull me in more strongly than Galio's ultimate-"

"What are you saying..." said Sona, unable to resist a smile.

"Ah, beautiful! Absolutely marvelous. You have a winning talent there, I assure you," said Yi, breaking into a big grin. _Don't be too forceful and keep them on their toes. They'll fall on their own sooner or later..._

"Yi..." said Sona, her voice still sounding uncomfortable, but her body seeming to have forgotten their contact. "We can't..."

"Why ever not...?"

"Everyone's watching..."

Yi's nose flared. He could sense his opportunity rushing closer. Just a little more...

"They may be aware of us, but they cannot see anything..."

"We're in the middle of a battle..."

"Yet, my heart is at war. I cannot sway its direction from such a crucial endeavor..."

"Oh, you..." said Sona quietly, followed by a soft giggle. She wrapped her hands around Yi's neck and drew him in. "Do you really think that?"

"Why yes...of course."

"I don't trust you..."

"Neither do I...who knows what this heat in my chest is capable of...?"

"You're a bad boy..."

"Oh...yes...I am a bad boy-"

"Yi. YI! Are you listening to me?"

Master Yi kept his eyes closed, trying to savor as much of the scene as he could. But, as with all good things, it too slipped away from his grasp. He sighed and, while opening his eyes, turned his head to look into the angry glare of the beautiful maiden.

"Ah, if only I had been awake, perhaps it would have gone even more smoothly..."

"What are you talking about?"

"The future, dear Sona. The future."

"Whatever. Listen, Yi-"

"I'm listening, but my hands don't seem to care-"

"D-Damn it, Yi! Stop touching me there!"

"...Sona!"

And a few moments later, the beautiful maven had left for top lane. Irelia had teleported to bottom lane and was waiting for the minions to arrive.

It was then that an idea bloomed inside Yi's mind.

* * *

><p>"Level 1 gank?"<p>

"Yes. You see, once they notice that you're alone in the lane, they'll immediately become aggressive and try to take First Blood. Strike Rammus first and active his Defensive Curl. Then run towards me."

The plan had worked without a hitch. Rammus and Katarina had been baited by Irelia and then ambushed by the waiting Master Yi. Having used his Defensive Curl early, by the time Master Yi attacked, its effects had ended and the armadillo became an easy target. With Irelia's Flash, the two managed to finish the armadillo and deal heavy damage to Katarina. Irelia had taken the brunt of the damage, leaving her nearly dead after the battle. Yi exited the lane and decided to wait again in the bush. As expected, Katarina attempted to come in and kill Irelia with a quick Shunpo and Ignite.

Unfortunately, Yi could not kill Katarina. Had he or Irelia had Ignite, a second kill would have been possible. But the use of Shunpo made it almost impossible normally.

Still, it had been a good run. Now Irelia would have a lead in farm and level due to her soloing the lane. The late start on Blue golem had made its worth.

"Well now. Kassadin, if you would be so kind to come leash for me, we can probably finish this game before the 20-minute mark."

A loud snort issued from the team speak.

"Why should I leash for you? Will you give me your Blue?"

"No, I'm sorry. I'll need the first one for proper jungling. If you want, the second one is free for us-"

"If that's so, then hold your tongue, Wuju Bladesman. You are quite presumptuous to assume that I would leave my farm solely to give you assistance."

"What are you saying, Kassadin? You're already pushed, the lane can do without you for a few seconds-"

"Heh. True. As usual, I have dominated the battlefield. I suppose in that sense, your logic is undeniable."

"Kassadin..."

"Very well, Bladesman. I shall make time for you. Be grateful for it."

"Fantastic! I'll be heading off then."

"Jeez! Would you stop getting in my way! I'm just trying to kill minions!" fumed Annie as Kassadin struck her again with his Nether blade. "Gosh, just you wait until Tibbers get here-MMPFH!"

A pulsing Null Sphere struck Annie in the face, jamming her mouth shut. She patted her disabled mouth with her hands, then began waving them furiously at Kassadin, cursing him with muffled shouts and yells.

"Silence, demonchild," said Kassadin with a slight smirk.

"Looks like you're having fun," remarked Yi as the two began making their way to the Blue golem.

"The battlefield is meant to entertain me."

"I see. But don't you think you were being a bit rough on the child? I never knew that you had such interests..."

"That is more your territory than it is mine."

"False! To insinuate such a thing...Master Yi does not touch anything below legal age!"

"What of your sword-"

"The sword is of legal age!"

"Indeed. The lecherous always have an excuse for their actions."

"As opposed to lecherous, I would rather be called appreciative."

"Do you believe the Dark Child has potential?"

"Oh yes, undoubtedly! She will grow into a fine young specimen, that I can guarante-"

Kassadin released an uncharacteristic laugh as Yi finally processed what his mouth was saying.

"That aside, Kassadin. What do you think about one of the greatest mysteries in life?"

"Nothing is a mystery to me."

"I dare to disagree. Sona Buvelle's bust size is surely not something that you would kno-"

Master Yi grew silent as a single phrase floated into his ears.

"...How? How do you-"

"There is nothing that I cannot discern."

"...Kassadin. I think we shall have a beautiful relationship."

"I am not gay."

"Neither am I. But that's not what I was referring to. Rather, it's your uncanny ability for identifying bust sizes that will come quite handy in the futu-"

Blue camp. An enormous scorch mark, characteristic of an explosion. The ground was dusted with white particles, looking as if it had just recently snowed. The bushes were singed and smoking and the mangled ruins of Gangplank's pistol lay melting in the debris.

But most important of all-

The Blue Golem was gone.

"What is this meaning of this, Bladesman?" snarled Kassadin. "There is nothing here for me to leash!"

"What...this can't be..."

This was impossible. Blue could not have been taken. The enemy team did not have a jungler. Every member of the enemy had been present in their lanes. There was no time period of absence through which they could have snuck in and stolen his buff.

But the golem wasn't here. The time was far past.

"Bladesman. I will crush you for wasting my tim-"

Kassadin stopped speaking as he was suddenly engulfed in a terrible rumbling sensation. His eyes riveted on the figure before him, who shook with such anger and fury that it was as if the air around him was black. His lips were curled and his teeth seemed to be on the verge of snapping one another into pieces.

"Well, well," said Master Yi, his voice low and deadly. His foot crushed the ground with such force that deep, splintering cracks appeared on the surface. "It seems there are trespassers in _my_ _jungle_."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** _Thanks for all the support guys. When the Caster minions from the nexus came back, I realized I completely forgot how they talked. Although it may not seem like it, all the minions have their own sort of flair to the standard minionspeak._

_Well, that's the theory anyways. _

_This chapter was a lot harder to write, mainly because the scenes involving champions have much less dialogue and more refined narrative. Narrative is a weakness of mine, but the scenes in this part were in my head for a while, so the actual process went along quite quickly. I was surprised the word count got this high this chapter._

_Anyways, stay tuned for the next update. Things are really going to be heating up now._


	13. Cob's Just as Good as the Kernels

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"I don't see why we have to fight..."<p>

"Look, it's not like I don't feel your pain. I really do. I mean, I think as minions, we deserve rights and equality."

"That doesn't sound convincing when you're holding Madred's Razors at my neck..."

"If you just looked at things objectively, then it'd all make sense," said Melee, holding the Wraith monster hostage. Caster's wand glowed threateningly over the Lesser Wraiths' hooded faces. An icy-blue mallet lay in between the minions and the monsters.

"Jesus Christ, I can't believe you dropped your Frozen Mallet."

"Look, I told you that thing was fucking heavy! It's not my fault you wouldn't let me take any breaks. Do you know how sore my hands are right now?"

"Sore? What do you think this is, fucking kindergarten? Get the fuck over it! You drop the one item that's saving your ass from these jungle monsters and expect me not to bitch about it!?"

"Well...no. I just...don't want you to bitch _as much_-"

"Shut the fuck up, Melee."

"I think that language is uncalled for..."

"Yeah Caster, listen to the Wraith."

"Are you fucking shitting me right now?"

"I think your friend needs some anger management classes."

"Nah, he's always like that. It's part of his character."

"HEY, YOU! BITCH. BACK AWAY FROM THE MALLET. I'M WARNING YOU!"

The Lesser Wraith hastily retreated as Caster's wand shone violently.

"Alright, bitching aside, what do we do now, Caster?"

"You're asking me!? You're the one that got us into this mess!"

"Yeah, and you're the one that gets us out! You're my perfect foil."

"Fucking wraiths! Look, we just want to kill Katarina, ok? So can you just die and respawn in 50 seconds? Is that too much to ask?"

"Mmmrphh mmrrh."

"...What?"

"Mmmrrph mmmrrrpphh." _Please don't kill us!_

"I think they said 'fuck off, asshole.'"

"No...actually they said they'll let you kill me if you let them go," said the Wraith in a monotonous voice.

"Oh...sorry man."

"It's ok. This always happens."

"What the fuck! You guys are a fucking disgrace! I'll fucking kill you!"

"MMMMRPPHH! MMMRRRPPPHH!" _NO, HE'S LYING! WE SAID NO SUCH THING!_

"Sounds like they said 'fuck you.'"

"Actually, they said LOLZ TROLOLOLOLOL."

"YOU FUCKS!"

"Wow, you guys are fucking heartless. You deserve to die, you fuckers."

"MMMMRPPHH! MRRRPHH! MMMMMPPPHH!"

"Alright, we'll let you go Wraith man. But sorry, I'm going to have to kill these sons of bitches."

"Christ, no respect for your seniors, can't even talk straight...I've had enough of you guys."

"MMRPPHH! MMMRRRPPH-"

With a loud BANG, the three Lesser Wraiths were vaporized by a flash of white-hot light. Caster twirled the wand in his hand like a cowboy and blew the tip.

"Who knew monsters like that existed? I mean...I know they're monsters but still..."

"Looks like your ideal world for minions is still just an ideal," said Caster, turning back to Melee and the Wraith.

"Yeah...Sigh. Internal problems too. Those are going to be sticky. Well, anyways. Sorry about your friends, Wraith man. Or...well, I really don't think they were good friends..."

"No...it's fine..." said the Wraith emotionlessly.

"Well, yeah...I guess we'll let you go then. I mean...I feel too bad for you right now. Killing you after getting betrayed like that has to be a crime or something."

"Killing's a crime anyways, you dumbass..."

"Anyways, thanks for sticking it out, Wraith man. We're going to go now."

"...I see."

"When your friends respawn, tell me them we said 'fuck you.'"

"Keep it cool, bud," said Caster.

"..."

The Wraith looked around aimlessly as Caster and Melee headed for the Lizard Elder camp. Once the two minions were out of sight, however, the Wraith's mood completely changed.

"Hehehe...those idiots! It's always like this. Even stoooopiiiddd champions fall for it! HA! LEAVE THE GUY WHO GIVES YOU THE MOST GOLD AND EXPERIENCE BEHIND FOR A SOB STORY! CLASSIC FUCKING IDIOTS! HAHAHA!"

"I thought so."

The Wraith jumped as Caster appeared, his wand aimed right at the Wraith's head.

"Wha-wha-"

"What's going on, Caster? Why are we back here?" said Melee, panting a few steps behind Caster.

"You know, I thought it was pretty suspicious. None of it made any sense. But now, I understand everything. It's been made all too clear to me."

"I...I don't know what you're talking about!" said the Wraith, shaking like a leaf.

"Don't try and deny it. It's damn obvious what this is all about! I know the truth!"

"Y-You don't know anything!"

"Yeah, what are you talking about, Caster?"

"Listen up, Melee! This son of a bitch is trying to hide something from us! And you know what that is?"

"YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!"

"THIS GUY! IS LEGITIMATELY STUPID!" said Caster, poking the Wraith's head with his wand.

"...Huh?"

"What? What'd you say, Caster?"

"I swear, Melee. This guy has like 5 IQ points. He must've been raised by a bunch of turkeys. I'm surprised he didn't drown during rainy days."

"...Kh."

"What!? No way! Really?"

"I'm dead serious. I mean, only a complete idiot would be friends with three guys that are total assholes. It's not just one, it's three. He's outnumbered. And they're supposed to protect him too! I mean, sure maybe you don't notice the first time, but I'm pretty sure these guys have been together since the beginning of time. So, what I'm saying is, this guy must be one hell of a brainless fucktard."

"...Grrr."

"Man, you're right. That _is_ pretty stupid."

"Not just stupid. The most retarded monster in the entire map. There is nothing in this jungle that could possibly be as stupid, as empty-headed, as much of a blonde bimbo fuck, than this guy-"

"RAAAGGH! SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU FUCKING MINIONS! I'M NOT AN IDIOT! THIS WAS ALL PART OF MY PLAN, OK!? YOU GUYS FELL FOR IT, YOU GUYS ARE THE IDIOTS! MORONS! FUCKING TWATS! HAHAHA, YOU FEELLLL FOR IT! YOU GUYS ARE THE RETARDS! LALALA DEMACIA! DUMBASSES! YOU! NOT ME, YOU! YOU DUMB! YOU STUPID! DUMMMMYYY! BR BR BR HUEHUEHUEHUE!"

Silence.

"...Shit."

"Alright, Melee. Now that we've got the truth out of him, I think you know what to do."

"I'm feeling lucky today," said Melee, his Madred's Razors gleaming.

"No...NO! DON'T! IF I RESPAWN WITH THEM, I'LL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT! PLEASE DON-"

The Wraith's cry was cut through by a flurry of slashes and wind. In one instant, Melee passed through the Wraith's body and appeared on the other side, his Madred's Razors extended in the air.

"Hue, bitch."

The Wraith careened into the air, screaming with fury as health and mana burst out from his body.

"Fucking douchebag," said Caster, kicking the Wraith's dead body. "I hope you get your ass beaten while you're in respawn hell."

"How'd you know that he was lying, Caster?"

"Huh? What, you didn't notice?"

"...No. I didn't. I thought he was telling the truth," said Melee with a slightly crestfallen tone.

"Heh, it's pretty simple, Melee. The truth is, when Wraiths lie, their cloak turns slightly lighter in shade and color."

"What, really!?"

"No, dumbass. Of course not. You think Riot has the funds to integrate that kind of useless function?"

"Riot...?"

"Nevermind," said Caster, giving the Wraith one last kick. "You got Frozen Mallet? Ok. Let's going then. If we stay here too long, Master Yi might show up to take the jungle here."

"Wait, Caster. Seriously, how'd you know?"

"Are you still on about that?"

Caster sighed and rubbed the back of his neck for a moment.

"It wasn't anything special. I just thought, he sounded pretty monotone after seeing his friends get killed."

"He always sounded monotone."

"That's not the point. No matter who he is, I think anyone who has the capacity for friendship would feel devastated at seeing his friend killed in front of him, even if they did betray him."

Melee stopped in place at Caster's words.

"...What's wrong with you? If you don't respond, it's going to sound like I said something weird," said Caster, turning back.

"...No. It's...I just didn't think you were that kind of person, Caster."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," said Melee with a slight smile. "Nothing at all."

* * *

><p>"I have to part with you here, Mill."<p>

"I understand, Cast. Good luck with your venture."

"If I succeed, then our operation begins," said Cast. He turned away with a whip of his cloak and slipped into the brush. Immediately after, Mill went in the opposite direction.

Cast was heading to the Red and Blue camps on the Blue team's side of the map. With Master Yi jungling in the Purple camp, the camps should have been left undisturbed at this time. However, with each passing minute, there was a higher chance of Master Yi deciding to go through the enemy's jungle. Using a pair of Boots of Mobility that had been stolen from the inventory, Cast would hopefully be able to make it through the jungle before encountering Yi or any of the other champions.

But in order for his plan to go off smoothly, Mill had to go through with his end of the plan.

"Is everything ready?"

"Yes, sir. We're all prepared."

"Good. We'll begin soon."

Mill took a calming breath to focus his thoughts. Katarina had escaped from the battle while Rammus had died. His sources told him that Rammus had decided to wait to grab a ward before heading back down to the lane. That meant that he was behind Katarina right now, who had gone ahead to keep pace in lane.

The timing was too perfect. A chance like this wouldn't come again.

"Is everyone ready?" said Mill, reviewing one last time. A minion in-between the towers on bottom lane. The key point was in place.

"Yes, sir. We are ready."

"Very well..."

_Go._

"Ok," said Rammus as his Powerball crashed into the minion in the middle of the lane, knocking him off course and into the wall. "Ok...Ok? Ok!? OK!?"

Two enormous stone hands smothered Rammus' face and brought him to the ground.

* * *

><p>At top lane, the flow of minions had frozen at the first turret. A circular ring was surrounding the corpse lying at the base of the tower and a flood of sobbing and tears was all that could be heard.<p>

Sona was dead.

"Damn it...DAMN IT!" cried a caster minion, his fist pushing into his eyes so hard that blood was starting to leak into his tears.

"Vayne...I'll kill her. I'll kill that fucking Vayne-"

"No...Vayne's not the problem. Is she, you SON OF A BITCH!?"

The caster minion that had spoken lunged viciously at Primey. The cowering melee minion was up against the tower, desperately trying to shield himself with his hands.

"I'd fucking rip your head off your neck...I'D FUCKING SHRED YOU TO PIECES IF I WASN'T BEING HELD BACK, MOTHERFUCKER!" screamed the caster minion, his veins popping up on his skin from the sheer effort he was pouring against the spells forcing him towards the lane.

"Yeah...you fucking son of a bitch! It's all your fault!"

"You got her killed! SHE WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU!"

"DAMN IT. DAMN IT, THIS FUCKING SPELL! GET OVER HERE, COWARD! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!"

"Calm down and go back to lane! The next wave is coming!" shouted PC, standing in front of Primey.

"PC? SHUT THE FUCK UP! Who do you think you are, trying to order us around? You trying to protect this son of a bitch? THIS FUCKER THAT GOT SONA KILLED?"

"Go back to lane," said PC coldly, his eyes so sharp that it would've cut steel.

"How about you lug your fatass over so I can kill you with that bitch?" snarled the caster minion, his lips curling.

"Go back-"

"Why don't you SHUT THE FUCK U-"

"ENOUGH!"

Ice spikes exploded from the snow-blue arrow stuck into the ground. A fog of frost drifted away from the arrow's fletching, coming in between PC and the murderous minions. Ashe stepped into the fog, glaring at both sides.

"Sona is coming back as we speak. Keep your heads cool so that her absence doesn't become a problem! This is no time for conflict-"

Ashe stopped as she realized the minions had already went back into lane. The interruption caused by her frost arrow had distracted them long enough for the spell to force them back onto track. Slightly flustered, but satisfied nevertheless, Ashe turned back to PC and Primey.

"Primey-"

"Shut up," said Primey, staring up at her with his head down. "I don't want to hear it."

"Hear what?"

"Your pretentious bullshit. I know you're going to say it. Don't mind them. Just get your head into the game. Well you know what? THIS ISN'T A FUCKING GAME! I ALMOST DIED OUT THERE! I'M FUCKING USELESS! THEY'RE FUCKING RIGHT, I GOT SONA KILLED! ME! NO ONE ELSE! If you put me back in there...I'll die! Or someone else will die!"

"Shut your damn mouth, Primey," said PC, looming over him.

"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! Those guys were right. Why are you protecting me? Why don't you just let them kill me, huh!? Then I'll be out of the way. Then I won't be a shivering useless FUCK THAT CAN'T DO ANYTHING!"

Tears were streaming down Primey's eyes. His fingernails were cracked from how tightly he was gripping the turret's base. His cloak was ruined by blood stains and tattered with rips and tears.

His eyes were screaming at PC.

"...A useless fuck?" said PC. Primey froze at his menacing voice. The dark stare in front of him was pinning him against the turret. "If you died in battle, that'd be fine. If the champion died in battle, but you were in front of her, that'd be fine. If you both died together, that'd be fine. If she died, but you survived, that'd be fine. It doesn't matter who dies, it doesn't matter how you die. IT MATTERS THAT YOUR DEATH WASN'T MEANINGLESS!"

PC's fist smashed into the turret.

"When you sit there, doing nothing...when you don't lift a finger even after someone sacrificed their life to save you, then yes. That's when you're useless. You don't want to be useless, Primey, but this is as useless as you can get!"

"PC. That's more than enough," said Ashe, putting her hand on his shoulder. "The minions need you."

"...You're wrong, Ashe."

"What?"

"The minions don't need me. Minions don't need anyone," said PC, holding his hand out to Primey. "But all of you need minions. Every last one you can get. Even the most useless."

"...You're a fucking asshole. And your speech has too much corn!"

"Ah don't care. Even the cob's just as good as the kernels."

"Shut up...I'm not even worth the cob."

"That's not for you to decide," said PC, gripping Primey's hand. "Now get up. It doesn't take long for corn to lose its touch after being picked."

"DAMN IT, STOP WITH THE CORN JOKES!" shouted Primey, grabbing PC's hand.

"I'm sorry, but we're depending on you," said Ashe.

"Don't. I'll depend on you guys instead," said Primey, getting up onto PC's shoulder. "...So I hope all that shit you were going to say was right."

"I don't know."

"Whatever," said Primey, flicking his lance out. "I won't remember this when I come back anyways."

"Heh, I suppose-"

_Wait._

_What did he just-_

Ashe's eyes widened. Her mouth opened, but PC and Primey had already charged into the battlefield. The Frost Archer simply stood there, her hand outstretched, her mind racing with questions. But one question stood out far above the rest.

_How were they resisting the spell...?_

* * *

><p>"Anyways, you still remember the plan?"<p>

"Yeah. For the Lizard Elder, right?"

"He's 90 health higher now that we've reached the 2 minute point. He also attacks slightly faster than the Blue Golem and we don't have some crack to blow up this time around. It's going to be a risky fight, even with our items."

"Don't worry. We've got this."

That was the conversation they had just moments ago. And now, the Elder Lizard was nearly dead.

"Good job, Melee!" said Caster, firing more bolts of light.

"SHUT UP! WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO TANK THIS GUY!" yelled Melee as blasts of fire smoked his ass.

"RAWRRR! I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THAT GUY HITTING ME CAUSE I GOT TUNNEL VISION!" said the Lizard Elder as he chased Melee.

"Alright, almost there. Just one more hit and-"

Caster focused all his power into the wand, then fired. Melee tripped over a rock and accidentally kicked the Lizard Elder backwards.

"...YOU FUCK! YOU JUST SAVED HIM, YOU MORON!"

"Wha...what? What are you, OW! FUCK MAN, YOU TANK HIM! THIS FUCKING HURTS EVEN WITH FROZEN MALLET!"

"SHUT UP AND MAN THE FUCK UP! I'M THE ONE DOING ALL THE WORK HERE!"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? HE'S FLAMING MY ASS, NOT YOURS!"

"Goddamn it, just stand there and let me hit him-"

"No, let me hit him! He's almost dead anyways!"

"SHUT UP! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM, OK? YOU'RE THE TANK, SO JUST FUCKING STAND THERE AND TAKE IT LIKE A WOMAN."

"I'M NOT A WOMAN, I HAVE A WIFE YOU KNOW, UNLIKE YOU-"

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, MELEE, NOW HOLD STILL AND LET ME SHOOT THIS BITCH-"

"NO, I WANT TO KILL HIM-"

"How about I kill him?"

Caster and Melee were thrown into air as a green blur sped past them and hit the Lizard Elder. With a cry, the Lizard Elder keeled over, its Red buff disappearing. Melee fell onto the ground hard, coughing up blood in reaction.

"Shit...what the fuck-"

"Melee! MOVE!"

Melee rolled over instinctively at Caster's warning. A large, glowing blade stabbed into place where his head had just been. Melee continued rolling until he got into a crouching position and guarded with his lance.

"...Oh shit."

"Fuck...he's not supposed to be on this side!"

Master Yi pulled his blade out from the ground and spun it. The Red buff surrounded him in a fiery aura.

"Well, well. I didn't expect minions to be the ones stealing my jungle."

His eyes burned as he continued spinning the blade in a circle beside him..

"Nevertheless, you two are far past your boundaries."

Yi swung his blade point-down into the ground. Blood spurted from Caster's chest.

"NO! CASTER!"

Melee stopped as a cut suddenly appeared on his chest. _No...fucking-_

"_This is my territory._"

Blood continued to rain in the Lizard Elder camp.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_All edits are complete. I wish I could write faster..._


	14. Just Meta Around

**TEAMS  
><strong>

**BLUE  
><strong>

_Katarina_

_Rammus  
><em>

_Annie  
><em>

_Vayne  
><em>

_Alistar  
><em>

**PURPLE**_  
><em>

_Master Yi_

_Kassadin  
><em>

_Irelia  
><em>

_Ashe  
><em>

_Sona_**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Those Minions<strong>

* * *

><p><em>Somewhere in the Purple Team Base~<em>

"Alright, everyone. Settle down now."

"So, like I was saying, there's this new champion out called Ahri. Damn, she is fucking fine."

"Yeah? I don't know, I never really had a thing for furries-"

"Not a furry man. Not a furry."

"She has a tail and ears-"

"Not. A. Fucking. Furry."

"Teleport's definitely the best summoner spell in the game. I mean, helps you farm, helps you gank, hell, it can help you escape."

"Hi, I'm a purple minion. And you must be retarded. Nice to meet you."

"Real funny, dick."

"Do you even know what cooldown means? You should, since Teleport's cooldown is so fucking long you'll probably be able to get ten pentakills before that shit comes back on."

"Yeah. And from Counter Logic Gaming."

"Yeah. Or Azubu Frost."

"You know what I heard? One champion used Teleport ten years ago. Still greyed out."

"Shit man, shut up! That's fucking scary!"

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, FUCKING BACKGROUND CHARACTERS, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The buzzing dialogues among the minions multiplied.

"HEY GUYS. LET'S TALK LOUDER. LIKE, IN ALL CAPS."

"FUCK YEAH."

"HEY MAN, WHATCHA DOING?"

"YOUR MOM!"

"NO WAIZ."

"SRSLY."

"SO YEAH, AD RUNES VS ARP. WHAT'S THAT SHIT ABOUT?"

"ALWAYS GET AD MARKS IF YOU'RE AD CARRY. DON'T FUCKING GET ARP, I SWEAR, I'LL SHOOT YOUR FACE AND PISS INTO YOUR SKULL LIKE A BULL THAT JUST DRANK HALF A CASE OF BEER."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, ARP MARKS FTW. SERIOUSLY, IF YOU GET ARP MARKS, THEY'LL HAVE LIKE NO ARMOR. YOU CAN DO THE FULL 58 DAMAGE, LIKE FOR REALS!"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP, GODDAMNIT! I'M SICK OF ALL YOUR FUCKING DISCUSSIONS! ARP VS AD!? GO TO HELL YOU BRAINDEAD PIECES OF SHIT! You should be discussing something relevant, like how OP Volibear is!"

"...What?"

"What'd he just say?"

"How OP Volibear is."

"Volibear? OP? Since when?"

"...The fuck are you guys talking about?"

"Volibear is not OP."

"He's never been OP."

"Maybe if you fed him."

"Lolz, feed Volibear."

"Damn, what is this guy, 800 ELO?"

"Next you're going to say Teemo's OP."

"Yeah, or Karma."

"LOL, KARMA!"

"Christ, one slip of the tongue and you guys just attack me like animals."

"Slip of the tongue? Who were you thinking of? I don't see any other armored bears around."

"Tibbers OP? Is that what you were going to say?"

"I could see that happening."

"Guys, guys. Tibbers is a flamed bear. Pretty big difference."

"Yeah, I can't see how you mistook Tibbers for Voli."

"Must be blind."

"Too much porn?"

"You can get blind from porn?"

"Nah, but you can get blind from getting too many money shots in the eye."

"AHAHAHA, real funny. How about I kill you?"

"LOL, YOU? **YOU **KILL** ME**? YEAH, SURE. GO AHEAD, BITCH."

"Don't think I won't do it."

"Come at me bro!"

The clamor exploded into a deafening cloud as fistfights broke out between the minions. Order was lost and chaos reigned.

"Another fight broke out. Do you think we'll ever have a normal meeting?"

"It's not too bad. If minions don't brush against each other every once in a while, it's bad for them."

"Know that from experience, PC?"

The abnormally large minion grinned, his cigar smoking noxiously between his teeth.

"Well, I suppose you're right though. After all, I can't argue with someone who's known these guys for years."

"You'll get to know them soon enough, Cast."

"I'm not worried. I'm a friendly guy. I'm sure I can get to know other guys pretty easily. It's just...remembering. It makes me think, why even bother?"

"Haha. It's not just you. All minions have short-term memory."

"Short-term memory, huh? I guess that's one way to call it..."

"Cast...don't think too much about it."

"Why? Because I won't even remember it later?"

"Cast..."

"I know, PC. It's pathetic. But, I can't stop thinking about it. Why are we stuck like this? Why do we have to fight...why do we protect champions...? I've been thinking about that lately. What's our purpose in life? Is it just to fight on this battlefield? Just to live while we're fighting and nowhere else?"

"You're sounding like a philosopher," said PC, chuckling. "But Ah never thought theories and such were really useful. What you can learn from them, you can learn by taking a step outside and putting your guns up."

"It's not philosophizing. They're legitimate questions. And you have all the answers."

PC continued to grin, but Cast noticed his eyes grew slightly hard, as if he was preparing a wall beneath them.

"Heh...well, whatever. I guess I wouldn't be able to understand anyways. How could I relate to someone that's stuck in time?"

"You don't want to relate to me, Cast," said PC, his eyes cast down. "Ah'm an abnormality. Someone like me doesn't fit in this place."

"Dumbass. No one ever said that," said Cast, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Has living so long twisted your soul?"

"No," said PC, smiling. "Ah'm done with that. It's just a part of me now."

"Jesus, that's even cheesier than what I said. I guess I really can't beat someone like you."

Cast grabbed his wand and laid it against his shoulder.

"Alright, well time to go face off with Caitlyn."

"Careful for Twisted Fate and Garen. Garen has Teleport and Twisted Fate has his ultimate."

"I know, don't worry."

With the sound of minions still fighting behind him, Cast headed to the door of the barracks. He turned back and pointed his wand at PC.

"When I get back, tell me more about the new meta."

"You're pretty wrapped up in that."

"Of course. Metagame is the great minion pastime."

"Yes...that's right."

_That's right..._

_Because Ah started it..._

* * *

><p>"Well, well...very interesting."<p>

Vayne eyed the hulking minion in front of her. His body was littered with silver bolts and blood streamed down from his wounds like a spring.

"I don't think I've ever seen a minion take a hit for another before."

"You asshole...what the fuck are you doing!?" screamed Primey.

"Ah told you to just stick with me and everything would work out, didn't Ah? " said PC.

"Fuck you...who said you could do this you son of a bitch!" said Primey, his voice choking.

"It's fine, Primey...Ah'm fine..." mumbled PC, sinking to his knees.

In an instant, Primey swung his lance at Alistar's neck. The bull froze as the tip of the lance touched his skin.

"Back away. I'll kill him if you don't," said Primey. Alistar was on the brink of death after taking so much minion aggro during the skirmish. Ashe and Sona had managed to get away, but Primey had become the target for one more last hit before heading back to base.

It was then that PC had...

"Kill him? Do it then," said Vayne, loading a bolt into her crossbow. "Neither the Frost Archer nor the Maven will get the kill."

Vayne pointed the crossbow at the struggling PC.

"And I intend to kill you both before I leave. Especially this one...the amount of gold I receive from him should be substantial."

Primey clenched the lance tightly. _Shit. Shit! What do I do? I can't let him die here!_

No, he could let him die. If PC died, he would just revive a couple minutes later and return. There was no point in keeping him alive in this state. It was not like their deaths were permanent.

_But..._

"He won't remember..."

PC's eyes widened as he heard that sentence. _It can't be..._

_I won't remember this when I come back anyways._

A throwaway line. Simply an off-hand remark.

That's what it had been.

No...that's what it _should've_ been.

But he had just said...

"Primey...you..."

"Shut up. You never fucking listen to me. All you do is push me around and do whatever the hell you feel like."

His fist clenched the lance even tighter. His eyes blazed with an intensity that had never been seen in the small minion.

The heart to protect.

The will to survive.

"So, shut the hell up. And leave it to me for once," said Primey. He lifted his lance, then swung it sharply into Alistar's neck. With a surprised bellow, the cow's life force sprang from his body, leaving behind a limp, beaten corpse.

"Hoho. I didn't expect such courage from you, little minion. You were cowering just a few minutes ago. Where did you get the gall to slay a champion?" said Vayne, pursing her lips in amusement.

"I'll kill you," said Primey, his voice low and deadly.

"Valiant," said Vayne, swinging her crossbow down towards him. "But futile."

Primey could see his own pathetic reflection in Vayne's dark glasses.

"You have no chance."

"It doesn't matter," said Primey, his frame shaking. "I'LL STILL KILL YOU!"

But even before Primey could lunge forward, a silver bolt pierced into his shoulder. The force of the bolt knocked him backwards, dislocating the joint in his arm instantly. The storm of pain that blasted his senses pummeled blinding colors into his eyes and tore his lungs with violent screams. His lance fell from his hands, rolling uselessly on the ground.

"Your companion is indisposed. You yourself are on the verge of death. Your champions have abandoned you."

Vayne reloaded another bolt into her crossbow. She pointed the tip at Primey's contorted face.

"What did you hope to accomplish with such weakness?"

"You are wrong."

Vayne raised her eyes. A chilling fog was swirling towards her. The frozen glare of the Frost Archer made the hair on her skin tremble.

"You stayed...?" murmured Vayne.

"You are wrong," repeated Ashe, drawing an arrow from her quiver. "He is not weak. He is a minion."

The tip of the arrow frosted over and glowed as brightly as Ashe's snow-blue eyes.

"Our pillars of support."

* * *

><p>Irelia was farming. Rammus and Katarina had not appeared back in lane. Taking advantage of their disappearance, Irelia had quickly caught up on CS. She had informed the others of their absence, but she wasn't sure if they had heard. Ashe and Sona had recalled back to base, but Alistar had died shortly after from a minion. Although top lane was pushing hard, it seemed like the enemy team was taking unnecessary risks.<p>

So far, everything seemed to be going well. Except...

"The Blue Golem?"

"Yes. Someone has slain the Ancient Golem," Kassadin had said just moments ago.

"That's...that's impossible. Vayne and Alistar have been pushing top lane the entire battle."

"And I have been pushing the demon child to the tower," said Kassadin.

_It can't be Rammus or Katarina. They just vanished a minute ago..._

"Are you sure about that, Will of the Blades?"

"Yes. I saw them both. There was no time when they could have gone to the jungle and stolen Yi's Blue."

The respawn timer would have refreshed by now. Irelia killed a few more minions as she mentally mapped Katarina and Rammus' return. When she felt that they were close, she finished pushing the wave and retreated to the upper bush.

It was better to be safe than sorry. If Rammus came in from the river and Katarina from the bottom bush, she would be trapped.

_Now come. If it's a battle of CS, I won't lose._

But they did not appear.

Irelia crept to the edge of the bush. What was going on? They should have been here by now. Were they waiting in the other bushes for her to appear? Was it an ambush? But there were no junglers. Alistar had just died, so perhaps he was coming to gank?

No...Vayne was too squishy right now to leave alone.

Were they simply waiting? Should she take advantage of their hesitation and risk grabbing a few more minion kills?

No, it was too dangerous. She was higher by one level because of the additional CS, but Rammus' CC would destroy her escape and passive health gain. Just a little more and she could grab her ultimate. But would that be enough for a 2 on 1 match?

"Had to be Yi. No way this pussy Irelia slaughtered them all by herself."

"Yeah, but seriously? Level 1 gank Yi? Try hard moar, asshole."

"Did you hear what Kassadin said? That retard got his Blue stolen."

"What? How?"

"I don't know. But damn, this Yi must be a real dumbass to lose Blue when there's not even a jungler on the other team."

"How's that different from other Yis?"

"No kidding."

"Fucktards, all of them."

"Pricks."

Two caster minions were muttering to themselves in the background.

"Who are these fuckers again?" muttered one of the melee minions.

"I don't know, but they're not doing shit."

"Fucking casters."

"What was that? You say something, meleefags?"

"Yeah. I said you guys aren't fucking doing shit!"

"Course not."

"We're too good for work."

"Seriously. Come on now. Do your jobs properly, meleefags."

"Smack those minions."

"Yeah, use those lances."

"Rawwrr."

"You...shiteating fuckers," growled a melee minion, his teeth grinding sparks as he tried to resist the spell forcing him back towards the enemy.

"You two. Caster minions."

The two purple Caster minions flinched at Irelia's voice.

"...Is she talking to us?"

"God, I hope not."

"Look away. You'll get vertigo if you keep looking at that sunken chest of hers."

"Uuueegghh," mumbled the caster minion, shivering. "It's times like this when I wish Sona was around."

"Miss those boobs too, bud."

"Was all your fault."

"Say that again, bitch."

"WAS ALL YOUR FAULT, WELP."

"WHOSE FUCKING IDEA WAS IT TO MARCH US DOWN TO BOTTOM LANE, HUH?"

"Listen to me," said Irelia.

Instantly, the purple caster minions froze. The power of a champion's authority was binding into them like thick ropes.

"S-Shit."

"F-Fuck."

"I have one task for you two." Irelia jerked her head towards the bottom bush. "Check it."

"How the fuck are we supposed to do that, your Highness?" spat one of the purple casters. "Just how stupid can champions get?"

"It's not like we can just waltz wherever we want to, Miss Washboard," said the other caster, sounding like he was speaking to a dung beetle.

"We've got spells on our asses all fucking day, little girl."

"One that's currently in effect, thanks to you, pimple tits."

"Kiss each other. Passionately," said Irelia flatly.

"Wait, wha-"

"NO, YOU BIT-!"

"FUCK, FUCK! DUDE, GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"STOP! STOP! OK, WE'LL DO IT!"

"Forget the last command," said Irelia. The two caster minions immediately pushed each other away, rubbing their lips raw even though nothing had really happened.

"Fuck these spells..." muttered a caster minion. "How do we check the fucking bush when we can't see anyone in there...?"

"Hey, meleefag. Let me borrow that."

"YOU FUCK! GIVE THAT BA-AAGGHH!"

Leaving the melee minion dying behind him, the purple caster minion walked up to his companion.

"What's that?"

"Look, don't hold it against me, alright?"

"His lance? Why do you have his-"

The caster minion's sentence was cut off as his head went flying into the air and into the bottom bush.

"Touchdown!"

"You SON OF A BITCH! YOU CUT MY FUCKING HEAD OFF!"

"Yeah, well. I told you."

Irelia grimaced as the headless minion body began grappling with the caster minion. _I'll never understand these minions..._

"Is there anyone in the bush?" asked Irelia.

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, GIVE ME THAT LANCE ASSHAT!"

"SUCK MY DICK AND SWALLOW, CUNT!"

"Is there anyone in the bush!" shouted Irelia. The headless minion stiffened.

"F-Fucking...YEAH! There's someone in here. Some redhead bitch."

"Redhea-"

Suddenly, a loud scream erupted from the bush and Katarina burst out in tears. She ran into the upper bush and straight at Irelia.

"WAAHHH!"

"Wha...What in the world-"

Irelia stumbled back as the so-called Sinister Blade leapt into her chest, sobbing.

"I-I-I was SO SCARED!"

The red-haired assassin sniffed and rubbed her face into Irelia's torso. Irelia couldn't hide the shocked expression on her face.

_This is the Sinister Blade of Noxus?_

"Are...Are you really Katarina?"

"Sniff...Th-There's a talking head in there and it scares me!" wailed Katarina, hugging Irelia tighter.

"W...Wait a moment!" said Irelia, pushing Katarina away roughly. "Control yourself! Is this how a bloodthirsty assassin is supposed to act!?"

"H-Huh? W-What are you talking about bloodthirsty!? I hate blood! It's scary! Don't mix me up with my predecessor! I didn't even want to be the next Katarina!" cried the assassin, more tears and snot dripping down her face.

_This...this can't be right..._

"Guu...Rammus...come back..." said Katarina in a watery voice.

"Rammus...isn't here?" asked Irelia. Suddenly, Katarina lifted her head, her eyes brimming with tears.

"He...He was kidnapped!"

"...What?"

"Two golems took him into the jungle!" said Katarina, bursting into tears again. "N...Now...I don't know where he is! I...I'm all alone!"

_...Golems?_

_Kidnapped?_

For some reason, Irelia felt a shiver run underneath her skin. None of this made any sense. First the Blue Golem...now Rammus being taken...

_...Just what is going on?_

* * *

><p>"And that is my proposition."<p>

Finishing his explanation, Cast stood back and waited for a reply. The Lizard Elder's fingers tapped aimlessly against the head of a Young Lizard.

"HA! You can't be serious! As if the boss would go with such a stupid, half-assed, cocksucking-"

"Quiet," said the Lizard Elder. The Young Lizard jerked as the fingers clenched down on his skull. "Your plan is intriguing. But flawed."

"Is it?" said Cast, smiling wryly.

"Complete your plan might be, but it's of no use if you cannot set me free from the jungle's spells," growled the Lizard Elder.

"YEAH! What are you going to do about that, huh? Fucking trash! Don't come back here again! Wasting the boss' time with your retard talk-!"

The Young Lizard's face smashed into the far wall of the Lizard camp. The Lizard Elder snarled and motioned at the other Young Lizard. Knees shaking, this lizard took its place underneath the Lizard Elder's painful grip.

"Of course. That is one of the main issues," said Cast. He snapped his finger and motioned at the minions behind him. "But, I believe that I can solve this particular obstacle."

The minions placed a tied-up and gagged Rammus before the Lizard Elder.

"This is..."

"A champion," said Cast. A smirk appeared on the Lizard Elder's face. It raised its head and unleashed several loud bursts of what seemed like laughter.

"I see, I see," said the Lizard Elder. "You've thought this through."

"All I ask is for your cooperation," said Cast, bowing his head slightly.

"Keh! That in itself is an authority that's far above you, _minion_," growled the Lizard Elder. "However, I have sought freedom from these accursed binds for such a time...be grateful that fate has given you such a miraculous opportunity, minion."

"Then, your answer...?"

The Lizard Elder snarled and snapped his jaws. He jerked his head at the bound Rammus. Cast snapped his fingers again. Rammus was lifted so that his spiked shell scratched against the Young Lizard's armor. The Young Lizard grimaced as one spike trailed harshly down his armored plates.

"Keh! I accept your offer, minion."

The Young Lizard screamed as he was squashed into the ground by the sheer force of the Lizard Elder's hand as he lifted himself up. The Lizard Elder outstretched his hand, his fierce white eyes boring into Cast's.

"You have my eternal gratitude," said Cast as the minions handed over the Armordillo. "I trust that you will make good use of this."

The Lizard Elder simply answered by baring his sharp, glinting teeth.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **Sorry for the long space between updates, guys. I got pretty busy at one point and actually forgot that I hadn't uploaded the newest chapter yet. Thanks to Reggae for reminding me to do so. I'm actually nearing another busy point right now, so it will probably be a good amount of time before the next update. Hopefully you guys are willing to stick around till then. _We're nearing some plot points that I've been dying to get to, so at least until then, this fic will continue, albeit sluggishly. Sorry for my incompetence.  
><em>_

_Meanwhile, here's a somewhat longer chapter with some subtle revelations. Also, got the team rosters at the top again since it's been a while.  
><em>


	15. Minions vs Master Yi

**TEAMS  
><strong>

**BLUE  
><strong>

_Katarina -_ Ignite, Flash_  
><em>

_Rammus - _Exhaust, Flash_  
><em>

_Annie - _Ignite, Flash_  
><em>

_Vayne - _Ignite, Flash_  
><em>

_Alistar -_ Exhaust, Flash_  
><em>

**PURPLE**_  
><em>

_Master Yi - _Smite, Flash_  
><em>

_Kassadin - _Ignite, Flash_  
><em>

_Irelia - _Teleport, Flash_  
><em>

_Ashe - _Ignite, Flash_  
><em>

_Sona - _Exhaust, Flash**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Those Minions<strong>

* * *

><p>The two Young Lizards had no idea what was going on. They had simply been discussing metagame, a wildly popular activity among minions nowadays. Well, not that the Lizard Elder approved. Monsters were monsters and minions were minions.<p>

"But seriously, season 3 is going to be so awesome. We're getting buffed!"

"Finally! How long has it been since they did anything in the jungle?"

"Yeah, seriously. They just nerf or buff champions. HELLO, RIOT? This is called the JUNGLE. Why don't you BUFF THE JUNGLE instead of the JUNGLERS?"

"You know who I really hate? Shyvana. Like, she's such a poser."

"Yeah, who does she think she is? Drake?"

"You think she has the hots for Drake?"

"I bet. She's always like RAUGHGHRAUGGHH! Must mean something."

"Yeah. But damn, I know why Drake doesn't like having her around."

"Seriously. She's only a dragon when she's 100% bitch and she kills Drake at least 5 times every battle. I don't know what he sees in her."

"Me either."

"Yeah so..."

"So...?"

"What are we doing in here again?"

"I don't know. Where are we anyways?"

"I think we're in a bush. Sorta cramped in here. Want to get out?"

"Yeah sure. On the count of three?"

"One."

"Two."

"THREE!"

At three, the Young Lizards jumped simultaneously out from the bush, only to be killed instantly by Master Yi.

"Ah...I hit something. What was that?"

"MY HAMMER, IN YOUR FACE!" shouted Melee, jumping up and slashing at Yi. A blinding spark followed the shrill clang as Wuju Blade collided with Frozen Mallet.

"Ngh...Impressive! I didn't think a minion would have the strength to wield Frozen Mallet," said Yi, his blade rattling under the weight of the Mallet.

"Hmph! And I thought you'd just stand there and take it while wanking off!"

"That's a gross misunderstanding," said Yi. Suddenly, his arms tensed and an enormous force blasted Melee into the air, his Frozen Mallet spinning wildly along with him. "MY SWORD IS PERFECTLY LEGAL!"

"I...didn't even mention that..." said Melee, choking underneath the Mallet's massive handle.

"I'm enjoying our conversation, minion," said Yi, flourishing his sword and flicking it to the side. "But don't think this means I'll be lenient. It is a grave sin to invade my jungle. You must be properly punished."

"Yeah?" said Melee, his cheeks puffing out as he strained against the Mallet's handle. With a great heave, he shoved the Mallet off of him and tossed it aside. Panting, Melee reached into his robe and rummaged for a weapon. "Say, did you know I have a wife that looks like LeBlanc?"

"What was that!?" said Yi, his head snapping immediately to attention.

"Yeah...Met her on the way over here. Love at first sight," said Melee. _Damn this bastard. I thought he'd be a cinch since he's a Yi. But this guy...he hasn't let his guard up the entire time._

With Frozen Mallet and Rylai's Crystal Scepter, the two minions had managed to escape death from Yi's Alpha Strike. Taking advantage of Yi's slight confusion, Melee had engaged in battle, allowing Caster to run away and hide in a bush.

But even after all the blows exchanged, all the distractions Melee tried to employ, Yi had solidly kept Melee in between himself and Caster.

_Not a single chance for Caster to get a good shot in. I don't want to admit it, but this fucker..._

Melee grinned. No, what was he saying? There was one word for this and it was the only word that fit Yi.

That's right. In the end, even if he was more capable than the average Yi, it wasn't in an overpowering way. It wasn't in a sneaky way. It wasn't in a malicious way.

_Damn annoying._

He was still a Yi.

"Charming...but you say 'looks like Leblanc.' I wasn't aware that there were any female minions in existence, let alone one of that caliber."

"Oh there are...well...not anymore," said Melee, his tone slightly bitter. _No, focus! He's playing along, but he's not letting up at all. Don't lose concentration!_ "I'm married to the Summoner Lady."

"Who?"

"The announcer. In the sky. You know, she yells 'Welcome to Summoner's Rift!'"

"Ahhhhh! I always thought that voice sounded wonderfully erotic."

"Yeah? I'm flattered, but at the same time," started Melee, tearing the sword out from inside his robe. "FUCK YOU!"

Melee dashed at Yi, his momentum building up into his swing, a swing that Yi's eyes could barely keep up with-

But he could see it. And that meant he could block it.

_No...Block? I'll parry it and run him through!_

It was the least he do, for a bundle of courage and recklessness that he had never before seen in a minion. A block was too simple. He had to show his admiration, his respect with an equally beautiful attack.

_Take this!_

His blade glided over the edge of the minion's attack. A little push. That was all that was needed. Enough to change its direction, to break the flow. Then, using the inertia from his attack, he would swing back, strike, strike, strike, STRIKE-

_CLANG!_

"What-!?"

His blade was repelled, no, _thrown back_. Resistance he could understand. He could even understand if his blade had been stopped. But the force that had turned against him was blowing him backwards. He could hardly keep his balance.

"How-"

But, before he could even speak, another slash flashed in front of him. Yi raised his sword to block, but it was too late. Only reflexes honed from hundreds of battles saved his arm from being severed. Yi spun away from the minion's attack, a sharp wound splitting open on his wrist, spilling blood into the air.

"I see..." murmured Yi, gripping his arm tightly to stall the flow of blood. "Sly, sly minion..."

Infinity Edge. The spikes on either side of the blade held small drops of blood that slowly inched their way down to the hilt. Melee raised the sword at Yi, as if he was holding the champion's life underneath its point.

"Don't try and act like you're any better. Want me to whip out some porn so you can start fap-healing?" said Melee with a smirk.

"Tempting," started Yi, tensing his legs. But before he could even move, Melee was already striking. Once again, the harsh screech of metal filled the air. _He's matching me...no, he's faster than I am?_

Another cut appeared on Yi's shoulders. Then another. And another. The flurry of slashes, guards, and parries were not enough to stop Melee's assault. The Infinity Edge twisted and snaked around the Wuju blade, gradually carving away at the champion, spraying ribbons of blood.

_Just how fast is this minion!?_

It was inevitable. Yi had forgotten, or perhaps he had never known, a simple fact about Melee minions.

Their base attack speed was nearly twice as fast as any champion's.

With Infinity Edge, Melee had shored the only true weakness he had in comparison. His attack damage, which would normally have been nearly 1/5 of Master Yi's, now towered enough to completely overpower him.

_My health is lower than his at the end. But right now, we're nearly equal!_

That was right. He had discarded Frozen Mallet not just because of its weight, but also because he knew that just Infinity Edge was enough to fight Master Yi.

_But I've got to beat him now. Once he gets Alpha Strike and Smite back-_

He could not waste time.

He had to kill him.

Destroy him.

Yi's health was dropping. He, a champion, was retreating from a minion! Minions weren't sentient, they were mindless soldiers! So why was this minion able to fight like this? Something was wrong, a law had been broken, the principle of the matter was completely ridiculous!

There was a bug somewhere!

Some damn reality-warping construct was pulling the strings!

This was unfair! This wasn't in the lore!

_**So what?**_

At last, he felt it against his heel. The object that he had been retreating slowly towards during Melee's barrage.

"MELEE, GET OUT OF THERE!"

Caster realized it a second before it happened. But Melee was too slow. He was already on his next wave of attacks.

And that was all the time that Yi needed.

**WUJU STYLE**.

For 10 seconds, his passive would be doubled. 15 attack damage doubled to 30.

Enough to overcome the difference from Infinity Edge.

Yi roared as the Wuju Blade swung down in a green wave, a blinding flash igniting on impact against Melee's Infinity Edge. The blades clung to one another, struggling and wrestling for control, sparks flying from the grinding metal, the earthshattering vibration that was emanating from their clash.

But the victor had already been decided. It was just a matter of numbers.

"GAHH!" cried Melee as the Wuju blade once again passed through his body. This time, however, there was no Frozen Mallet to mitigate the damage. For a single instant, Melee felt a dreadful cold enter his body. When he had tanked the shots for the Red Buff, when he had faced down those vicious wolves, when he had been taken hostage by the wraiths-

**I HAVE FROZEN MALLET, SO I WON'T DIE.**

With Frozen Mallet, he had nearly triple his normal health. He had more health than a champion at base.

**I HAVE NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.**

That was his thought. That was his breathing mantra. It was what allowed him to fight so fearlessly, to attack so recklessly, to brave the jungle where monsters far stronger, far larger, and far more menacing than he existed.

But now it was gone. This wound was leeching freely from his health, his meager health, dwindling away so quickly, rushing towards death impatiently-

He had to get away. He had to run. Caster was right. He was always right.

But he had never been more right than now.

"MELEE!"

But Melee couldn't move. His legs were so slow. His body was getting colder and colder. Was it really the thought of death? Was it fear that was holding him in place?

_No..._

_Shit...it can't be..._

He was an idiot. Caster had always warned him. But he had never listened.

Yi had Frozen Mallet.

* * *

><p>Caster didn't know why there were two Young Lizards in the bush with him. Neither did he know what they were talking about. Season 3? What the hell was that shit all about?<p>

So it didn't bother him the least when the two Lizards committed suicide by jumping out of the bush.

However, it did bother him when Melee was nearly killed.

"MELEE! GET OUT OF THERE!"

But even as Caster said that, he knew it was too late. He had been focusing so much on the battle that he hadn't realized until the last second what Yi's plan was.

To back away and retrieve Frozen Mallet.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid! I told you to stop dropping that shit! I TOLD YOU!_

A second. Or two at the most. That was all the time Caster had to think up a plan.

_You're asking me!? You're the one that got us into this mess!_

_Yeah, and you're the one that gets us out! You're my perfect foil._

It was always this bastard's fault. Every single time! Did he do it on purpose? Was he unconsciously suicidal or something?

_I can't save him every time. It's impossible. If someone was capable of accomplishing a feat like that, we'd have more distinguished heroes in legend. Hell, even heroes can't accomplish something like that. Even gods can't._

_It'd have to be some kind of cheating, unfair, reality-warping construct-_

But it didn't matter.

Because this time-

At least this _one, single time-!_

"I'LL SAVE YOUR ASS AGAIN, MELEE!"

Caster threw Rylai's Crystal Scepter as hard as he could at Yi. The scepter cracked against his shoulder, blasting his body with a layer of ice. His slash missed Melee by a hair as the minion's boots allowed him to safely outrun the champion.

Caster's words echoing in his head, Melee pivoted on his foot, his arms swinging instinctively, and slashed Infinity Edge into Master Yi's torso.

The wound was shallow. But it was enough to make Yi hesitate. The slow from Frozen Mallet wore off.

And Melee was able to escape.

_Smart! Throwing the scepter at me dealt damage, but the innate ability power meant it was magic damage! And because the damage stemmed directly from the scepter and not due to any effects..._

Single-target damage. A full 35% slow!

1.5 seconds later and Yi was finally able to crack off the frost growing on his body. His breath came out in puffs of white mist. He hadn't realized it, but the extra weight from holding Frozen Mallet was tiring him more quickly. Generally, if he ever got the weapon, he would get it at later levels, when he was stronger and more able to manage the burden.

Yet that minion half his size had been able to wield it...

Yi's grip tightened on the hilt of his sword. Had he ever felt emotions like these when fighting against minions? A sense of admiration at ingenuity, a prickle of fright stemming from the wounds on his skin, a deepening thirst for another chance, another opportunity to cross swords and test his foe-

Never. They had been farm. Slaughter for gold.

Nothing more.

Yet these minions were different. _Why? Why were they different?_

_**THEY AREN'T.**_

A second voice was taking control of Yi's thoughts.

_**THEY'RE NO DIFFERENT FROM OTHER MINIONS. THEY ARE MINDLESS, SOULLESS PUPPETS ONLY WORTH A HANDFUL OF GOLD! KILL THEM. RIP THEM APART! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED THAT YOU CAN'T HANDLE JUST TWO LOWLY MINIONS!**_

That was right.

In the end, they were still minions.

And he was a champion.

They were destined to die.

"Come out, minions! I'll make sure you die painlessly!" shouted Yi at the bushes. His Alpha Strike had finally gone off cooldown. With their Frozen Mallet and Rylai's Crystal Scepter gone, one hit from the skill would be enough to finish them off.

_Now. COME!_

_COME, MINIONS!_

A white light exploded against the side of Yi's head. He staggered back, his goggles spinning wildly as they tried to locate the source of the attack.

Light filled his vision.

"GAHH!" cried Yi, the bolt of magic blasting over his goggles. Another bolt struck him in the shoulder, his knee, the bleeding cut in his torso.

He was being assaulted from every direction. But he could not see them. How could they see _him?_

_No...it can't be..._

Yi jumped back from the Lizard camp. Immediately, the endless barrage of magic ceased.

There was no doubt about it. But it was impossible, unthinkable-

_Frozen Mallet. Rylai's Crystal Scepter. Infinity Edge. Boots. _

So then of course-

"You are certainly a sly bunch of minions," growled Yi, his eyes narrowing. But he could not begrudge them. He would have done the same thing.

A method that only a champion would have thought of.

The camp was warded.

"Seems like he figured it out," said Caster, lowering his wand. "But it doesn't matter. He'll come back soon."

"Caster, that's total bullshit and you know it! That's why I didn't want to use this plan! He's just going to run off with the Red buff like any sane champion-"

"There's two reasons why you're a dumbass, Melee. Number one is because you're Melee. Number two is because if he was going to run away with the Red buff, he would've already ran away in the first place! If he leaves us alive, he knows that his jungling is going to be ruined. Not to mention it probably hurts his champion pride to have his ass handed to him by a bunch of minions."

"Look, even if both points are perfectly valid and make complete sense, I still think this is total bullshit!"

"Yeah, yeah, just shut up and be thankful I saved you."

"Thank you, Master Caster."

"Your thanks are appreciated. Now shut up! You're distracting me."

Yi had appeared again. Just as expected. Caster fired off another magic bolt, landing it squarely on the samurai's disgusting beard.

"Alright, time to move!"

"OW! OW! Stop, you're making blood come out of my wound!"

"Oh shut up and drink your health pots," said Caster, dragging Melee by his arms over into the next bush. As the samurai tried to flank them, Caster continued throwing bolts of magic at him. Even with Frozen Mallet and Rylai's Crystal Scepter, all the free shots he was taking meant he would run out of steam soon.

And that was when they would strike. Once Melee was healed up, they could put their next plan into action.

Or...if it ever came to that.

"I knew Master Yi was stupid, but this is on a whole different level! He might be as stupid as you, Melee!"

"What? Really?" said Melee, raising his head. "Hey, wait a minute!"

Master Yi was constantly flitting in and out of the ward's range. But all that was getting him was a bunch of magic bolts into the face. His health was dwindling. The wounds were accumulating. And he could not catch up to the minions as they raced from bush to bush around the camp, relying on the wards to predict Yi's movements and direction.

But it was strange.

Why was Yi taking so many free shots?

"He's not stupid," said Melee as he was dragged for the umpteenth time into a bush, getting slapped by the branches and hanging foilage.

"I know that. I was just kidding," said Caster. He was being serious. Although it had been expected, Yi had managed to survive Melee's assault with two excellent items on hand. Quick thinking had been what saved him. To make it even more formidable, that quick thinking had been forged in order to counteract something that had never been seen before; minions fighting like champions.

_But if he's smart, then why's he taking all of these shots? Is he trying to predict our movement patterns? But we're basing it off his movements. Maybe he's trying to figure out where exactly the wards are?_

In that case, it might make sense. There were three wards altogether, enough to bring a circle of light around the Lizard camp. Knowing that might have brought him and advantage if the minions were looking to kill him. But they weren't. They were simply avoiding him. Just because he knew how many wards there were or even where the wards were didn't change the fact that they could see his every action.

"Alright...then the only thing left to worry about is..." said Caster, watching the Lizard camp. _Summoner Spells._

Smite and Flash.

That was what Yi had. Smite was no problem if Yi couldn't see them. Yet, Flash was the issue. If Yi got close enough, he could Flash in and it would be all over.

"But that's no problem either," said Caster, smirking. He finished dragging Melee into the top bush and sat down to take a quick break. Yi had disappeared, but the wards were placed far enough that even if he appeared in the area closest to them, there was enough distance that they could get away even if the fool flashed.

_There's no way he can get us. He must've realized that by now._

Which meant, it was almost time. After all, this had just been a delaying tactic for the health potions to take effect. Melee would need to be at full health for their plan to go without a hitch.

"Just a little longer. Run around just a bit longer, you son of a bitch," said Caster.

"I've had enough running, thank you."

A flash of yellow light. Instantly, the bush was lit up.

_No, it can't be!_

_HOW!?_

Yi was in front of them. His blade gleamed dangerously in the afterglow of the Flash.

"You...how did you..." said Caster, the words barely falling from his mouth. But Yi didn't answer. Of course not. Even a single second's hesitation would have been enough for them to attempt an escape.

A whirl of green. The sensation of metal pressing into their robes, their flesh, separating it sinew by sinew-

_Ah..._

_The golems._

_The bastard flashed from the golems._

That was Caster's thought as Yi's Alpha Strike cut through him.

He hadn't been looking for their wards. He had been looking for their hiding places.

And then forced them into just the right position-

The position closest to a part of the jungle that wouldn't be lit up by any wards in the vicinity-

_Damn it! Damn it!_

Caster couldn't hold back the feeling of awe even as his body hit the ground. He couldn't help it.

It had been a brilliant move.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **A couple things to note. Updating the chapters with titles, mostly for the sake of organization. Also, there was a very small retcon in a previous chapter. If you don't notice then it doesn't matter. if you do though, well that's just our little secret. Also, appended__ today's chapter with the Summoner Spells for each of the champions.  
><em>

_Keep your eyes peeled in the next couple of days.  
><em>


	16. -Holiday Special Chapter-

**_A/N:_**_It's been a while since I updated with ch 15. So, for all those who are still reading "Those Minions," here's a special chapter for the holidays! I had a lot of fun writing this (more fun than I've had in months), so hope you guys enjoy._

* * *

><p><strong>The Strongest Minion In Runeterra<strong>

* * *

><p>There is a legend, set before the current seasons of League of Legends.<p>

A legend about the strongest minion to ever land foot on Runeterra.

One that helped spawn the strongest army of minions that had ever existed, so powerful that they had been nerfed instantly and obliterated from existence.

To such godly a minion, so powerful a soldier-

What kind of name could such a figure possess?

* * *

><p>"Hey, he's waking up."<p>

"Shut the fuck up! You know why he's waking up? Cause you're fucking blabbing your mouth off, that's why!"

"You're one to talk! You have the loudest voice here, FUCKFACE!"

"WHAT WAS THAT, CUNTHOLE? SAY THAT AGAIN TO MY FACE."

"Your fuckface."

"Is it really a fuckface?"

"Yeah. You totally look like you want to do someone right now. Were you beating it to Sona or something?"

"How'd you know!?"

"Ughh..."

The voices were warbled at first. But now, they were becoming clearer and clearer, as if he was emerging from underwater. When his eyes opened fully, he saw a crowd of purple-robed figures hovering above him.

"AAHH!"

He hadn't realized he was on a bed until he fell off it. He hadn't realized he had bandages on him until his wounds burst open from the impact. He hadn't realized that the doors were closed and locked until he started scraping at the knob.

He was trapped.

"Holy shit, when did he get over there?"

"Damn, this guy's fast. Did we ever have a minion this fast?"

"I don't think so. He's fucking ugly too. What's with all that fur?"

"Give him something to cover up with! I bet you guys look fucking disgusting under your robes too, fucking assholes!"

The largest minion there, a minion named Siege, pushed aside his comrades and wheeled over to the trembling individual, holding out a pair of purple minion robes.

"Here. They might be a bit big for you, but might as well put them on. If you're a minion, you've got to at least look the part!"

The tiny, furry creature hesitantly reached for the robes. He slowly took them from the minion's hand and inspected them.

"Well, you don't look half bad now," said Siege, nodding his head in satisfaction at the creature's new look. "What's your name, minion?"

He couldn't remember much. Everything was a blur for him right now, a smudge in his brain. But, unwittingly, or perhaps only because he had been asked, a name did surface from the sludge in his mind.

"Teemo," said the newly-crested purple minion. "My name's Teemo."

* * *

><p>"Damn it, Teemo! How many times have I told you! You don't stick the end of a lance into your mouth!"<p>

Once again, the fierce Melee Minion instructor smacked Teemo's head. The poor minion cowered and sniffed pathetically on the ground.

"Christ, do you have a sucking fetish or something? I'll have you know, every minion's heart is set for Sona, so your kind isn't accepted here!"

"That's not it, Instructor! It's just...instinct or something..." said Teemo, providing the same excuse he always did. Instinct he said! That pretty much proved it!

Teemo was a gay minion.

Unheard of, but many had already come to terms with it. There were already theories about it after all. Stuck in a base filled only with male minions, the legendary female minion nowhere in sight, it was only natural that some would end up shooting for the closest side of the spectrum.

Of course, this meant most minions stayed away from Teemo. But then again, he wasn't a normal minion to begin with.

In the first place, he was total shit when it came to fighting! Wand or lance, nothing could help Teemo even beat down a twig! He was being slapped around by the wind itself! Even Siege, his one and only advocate, was becoming quieter and quieter with his resistance towards Teemo's supposed uselessness.

"Look, Teemo. I didn't rescue you from the jungle that day because I thought you'd become a hero or something. I saved you because you needed help. And you're one of us."

Siege told him that everyday. Yet, even Teemo could tell that underneath his assuring words, there was something darker squirming.

_You piece of shit._

_You can't do anything!_

_If you can't fight, then what good are you!?_

_Are you even a minion!?_

Yes. That was the real question there. The real reason everyone was so wary, so critical, so goddamn antsy around this fucking moron.

Was he even a minion?

He was furry.

He was weak.

He was gay.

None of this made any sense. Teemo couldn't be a minion. Some even joked that he was the product of Master Yi wanking off in the jungle too much.

Night after night, Teemo cried himself to sleep in the minion barracks. He felt so alone. He felt like an outcast.

"SHUT UP, YOU FUCKING FOGHORN!"

A storm of lances and helmets were flung at his shaking body. Well, it made sense after all. He was always outside the barracks, under the windows, in the cold.

The numbers didn't lie. Checking his stats showed that Teemo was far stronger than the average minion. Sure, he was a bit squishier, but his attack damage was off the charts. Even Siege wasn't as strong as Teemo.

So then why?

Why was he so easily beaten during sparring sessions?

Why was he always last during mock tournaments?

Why couldn't he even hold a wand in his hand for five seconds without it slipping from his fingers just as a lance walloped him in the head?

"I told you, Teemo. Don't worry about it so much. It doesn't really matter if you're useless."

In the span of a few lines, Siege's words had gone from partially encouraging to unhindered acceptance. Teemo wanted to curl into a ball and be thrown into a garbage can.

"As long as you have the minion spirit, we'll always accept you," said Siege. They were just outside the minion barracks, having a little pep talk before Teemo's daily sparring activity.

"Yeah...you say that but you don't mean it," said Teemo, a gloomy cloud hovering over his head. The cold, harsh treatment by the other minions had made Teemo more and more cynical with each passing day. What had once been an irremovable smile on his face was now little more than a bland half-frown that refused to change.

"Don't be such an emo, Teemo," said Siege, yawning and scratching his back with a long wooden shaft. "Everyone has an unlucky period in their lives. Daffy Duck, Donald Duck, Psyduck, and a bunch of others hit rough spots, but they kept going didn't they? Into great main characters too."

_No...what are you talking about? They're all comic relief,_ thought Teemo. _And why all ducks!?_

"Wait a minute. What's that?" asked Teemo, suddenly realizing something off about the current scene.

"Hm? Oh, this? It's a backscratcher, Teemo," said Siege, holding up the wooden shaft. "Really gets the spots."

"It...looks familiar..." said Teemo, peering at the shaft. "Like...something I've seen before..."

"Well..." said Siege, suddenly looking flustered. "It's...you know...I just found it lying around..."

"It's like...I have some sort of connection to this item," said Teemo, running his fingers over it.

"I...I don't know about that, I mean, it's nothing special really, it's not like I found it next to your dying body or something."

"Yeah...I guess so," said Teemo. "Anyways...I better get going."

"Wait. Teemo."

Siege took a deep breath, then held out the shaft.

"Take it."

"What?" said Teemo, bewildered.

"The truth is, this is yours," said Siege, placing it gently in Teemo's hand. "I found it next to you the first time I saw you. I didn't know it'd be such a great backscratcher. Treasure it."

"Oh...uhm..." muttered Teemo, taken aback by the sudden turn of events. "I...I don't know what to say."

"It's fine," said Siege, turning away.

"Siege..."

"It's fine, Teemo!" said Siege, huddling closer to himself. "It's yours!"

_Siege..._thought Teemo. Of course. It was understandable. Even if it was his backscratcher, it had been a long time since Siege had found Teemo. He must have forged a strong bond with this backscratcher.

Teemo looked down at it. He wanted to give it back. Say he wasn't worthy of this kind of gift.

But...he felt that doing that would only hurt Siege. To part with this must have taken extreme effort.

Not to mention...it was his in the first place.

"Sieg-"

"TEEMO! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE! WE NEED YOU TO FEED THE NEWBIES!"

An awkward silence enveloped the two minions. Teemo tried to open his mouth, but couldn't say anything in such an oppressive atmosphere.

"Ok Siege," said Teemo finally, his hands clenching tightly over the wooden shaft. He closed his eyes shut to stop the tears from coming out. _I can't cry. No, I won't cry!_

Like the man he could never be, Teemo bit his lip hard, then walked away from the barracks, backscratcher held firmly at his side. Yes, like a silent impassive shadow, Teemo would vanish. He would leave Siege, his one and only minion friend, to weep in peace.

Once Teemo's figure had disappeared from view, Siege looked around to make sure no one was watching. Realizing that everyone had gone to watch Teemo's fight, he sighed in relief and stood up.

"That was close," said Siege, putting on a green hat with red-framed goggles. "Good thing he didn't notice I took this too."

* * *

><p>"Finally. Took your sweet ass time getting here, didn't you!"<p>

The Instructor gave his best intimidating glare at Teemo; however, this time, the minion didn't even bat an eyelash.

"What...What's going on?" thought the Instructor, disturbed by Teemo's callousness. "That look of pure concentration, that incredible tension around his body...when did Teemo change so much!?"

Teemo couldn't understand it. This wooden shaft...this object that felt so familiar in his hands, as if it was an extension of his body rather than just an overblown twig-

What an amazing backscratcher. To be able to comfort even someone as huge as Siege. Teemo really wanted to scratch himself.

"Hey! TEEMO!"

He was always covered in fur. It really irritated his skin when he shed, but his arms were so short that he couldn't reach behind himself.

"Ha! Ready to get your ass kicked today too, bitch?" said Teemo's opponent for the day. A minion who went by the name Porky. Not because he was fat, but because he was as dirty as one. Such a clean and sparkling minion had never before existed. Porky peered down at Teemo. "Hey, bitch. I asked you a question."

But was it really a backscratcher? Now that Teemo looked at it closely, the design was pretty strange.

There was a hole where the claw should've been.

"HEY! BITCH! I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!" shouted Porky. He panted immediately after the outburst, having expended all of his air in one yell.

Yes, that was really odd! There was a hole on the other side too! It was as if he was supposed to insert something into one end and have it come out the other!

Wait a minute...

Could it be?

"TEEMO! FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO ME, YOU RETARDED GIANT!"

"Man, Porky's getting pretty mad," said one of the onlooking minions.

"Yeah, well, you know. He's always fighting Teemo."

"You think he likes the attention?"

"...Dude. Isn't one gay minion enough?"

"...Good point. Let's just make fun of him."

"YUSOMADPORKY LOLOLOL!"

"MAADDDDPORKYBROOOO?"

Porky looked around shamefully as more and more cries began coming out from the crowd.

"TEEMO! FIGHT ME, ASSHOLE! FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW!"

Teemo couldn't hear him. The most important revelation of his life had come to him. A stroke of absolute, blinding genius.

This wasn't a backscratcher.

It was a weapon!

"I...I remember now..." said Teemo, a rush filling his body. Yes, this was his weapon. The weapon he had long forgotten about, a powerful, amazing weapon with no comparison. It was his signature. It was a part of him.

This is...

"FUCK IT, I'M JUST GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!" screamed Porky.

_This is..._

He raised his lance and charged at Teemo, shouting at the top of his lungs.

_THIS IS-_

Only legend is left of what happened that day. But most minions believe what legend speaks of is also completely true. Everyone knows that Minion Teemo was the strongest minion ever to exist in the history of Runeterra.

Therefore, his first true attack could only have been this spectacular.

"Holy shit..."

"How far did he get sent flying?"

"..Damn. I didn't even know we could reach up there."

Porky had smashed onto the roof of a building behind the Fountain Turret.

The minions couldn't believe their eyes. Teemo!? Teemo had done this!?

Insanity!

What kind of deus ex machina was this!?

"HACKER!"

"STOP AIMBOTING FAG!"

"GG, TEEMO HACKS FTW!"

"DDOS SOME MOAARRRR!"

"What's that have to do with anything...?"

But Teemo couldn't hear the surprised exclamations from the crowd. He couldn't feel it when the Instructor grabbed his arm, shouting at him to turn off the hacks, only to be blown away into the air like a leaf.

This was it.

He finally remembered what this weapon was.

How could he have forgotten? It had been with him for as long as he could remember. This weapon, which was more than just a weapon...

His best friend-

His identity-

This explained why he couldn't fight with a lance or wand. It was because this was his weapon. Everything he possessed in terms of offensive skill had been poured into this single exterior limb. Teemo smiled and twirled the wooden shaft, then snapped the point down.

Yes. There was no doubt about it.

His bo staff was back.

* * *

><p>"General Teemo-"<p>

"Don't call me that. It's embarrassing."

"Sorry. Captain Teemo-"

"Yes?"

"How will we be proceeding with today's battle?"

Captain Teemo was in the minion barracks again. However, this time, it was no longer as a minion soldier.

It was as the Minion Squad Leader Top 34. He would be making all strategic decisions for Squad Group 34 at top lane. Although it was named Squad Group 34, it was just a grouping of every minion that was going to be sent to top lane. The 34 was just to promote a sense of unity.

"34ERS! YEAH! 34ERS! YEAH!"

"Why 34 again? Couldn't we be something...more normal? Like 69."

"Or 49."

"Or 100."

"666."

"SILENCE FOOLS. You dare defy Captain Teemo's preference!? Can't you see that this number has enormous importance to our Minion Leader!?"

"Yeah, 34 sounds stupid. Let's change it."

"RIGHT AWAY, CAPTAIN TEEMO! DIDN'T YOU HEAR HIM? CHANGE THE FUCKING NUMBER!"

And so, the meeting of Minion Squad Top 57 continued.

"So, don't you think 57 is just like spicy ketchup?"

"You use 57? Why don't you use A1?"

"A1!? 57!? You idiots! The only sauce steak needs is ITS OWN BLOOD!"

"Captain Teemo! Your preferred steak sauce?"

"I like mushroom sauce."

"MUSHROOM SAUCE, YOU MORONS! DON'T EVER PUT ANY OTHER SHIT ON STEAK EVER AGAIN!"

"Yes, sir..." said one of the minions, chewing on a steak. He leaned over to his neighbor and whispered to him, "But mushroom sauce...seriously? Looks like we've got another Eisenhower here."

"Who?"

"Alright, let's get back to business," said Teemo, finishing his steak. "Today, we're going to have a tough top lane."

"Yeah no shit. Got fucking Darius."

"What's wrong with Darius? Darius OP."

"He's against Xin Zhao."

"Yeah, so?"

"YOU THINK PUSSY DARIUS CAN FIGHT AGAINST **THE MAN**!?"

"Damn it. You're right. We lost."

"It's ok guys. We're just unlucky we didn't get Xin Zhao's counter."

"Irelia."

"Irelia."

"Flat bitch."

"Even **THE MAN** can't get a boner off that."

"Don't worry, guys. I have a plan," said Captain Teemo, folding his fingers into a bridge. "Although we may face a difficult time in battle today, if everything goes well and everyone follows orders, we can win."

"Captain Teemo..."

"You really think that?"

"Yes. I do. I have a gut feeling," said Captain Teemo, vomit streaming from his mouth.

"...I think that's just E. coli."

"HERE YOU GO, CAPTAIN TEEMO!"

"Oh...thanks Alfred."

"FOR YOUR PLEASURE, SIR!"

"Jeez...what a suck-up."

"SHUT UP, MORON! I'M NOT A SUCK-UP! I'M A FUCK-UP!"

"...Good for you?"

"Now, rally the troops!" said Captain Teemo, wiping his mouth. "And remember. What's our motto?"

"REPORTING FOR DUTY!" roared the minions.

"REPORTING FOR DUTY!" shouted Captain Teemo. He stood up with a swirl of his purple robes and stepped out into the light.

"It's time to fight."

* * *

><p>Captain Teemo was famous for never coming up with a strategy until the last second. And there was a good reason for that.<p>

It was because he left everything to instinct.

"COME ON, COME ON! GET YOUR ASSES MOVING! CAPTAIN TEEMO'S LEADING THE FIRST WAVE!"

"REPORTING FOR DUTY!" shouted the first minion wave. They were all eager for today's battle. Although Captain Teemo always went into battle, that didn't make it any less exciting to walk along the strongest minion in history.

"Man, can't wait to see what the Captain pulls off today."

"Remember last week's battle? That staff battle was insane."

"Seriously! Wukong got his ass kicked!"

"Man. I wonder how Captain Teemo got so strong."

"Isn't it obvious, you idiots? Hard work, perseverance, and an unbreakable will!"

"Yeah. That must be it!"

"I knew Captain Teemo when he was just a minion. I'll tell you, we always thought he wouldn't get anywhere. But he never gave up. And look at where he is now!"

"Wow! That's amazing! You knew Captain Teemo?"

"Hell yeah! I was his best buddy."

"OH. MY. GOD. You're _Siege!?_"

"...Who?"

Suddenly, a hush came over the first wave of minions. A shadow had appeared among their ranks. The minions immediately split apart, to make room for the last minion in the wave.

Captain Teemo. He bounced out, his robe waving behind him like a cape, bo staff tied to his back.

"CAPTAIN TEEMO!" shouted the minions.

"REPORTING FOR DUTY!" shouted Captain Teemo.

"REPORTING FOR DUTY!"

"Good. You're all excellent minions!" said Captain Teemo, nodding in satisfaction ."Carry on!"

The minions began walking again, although now, there was an air of giddy excitement. Captain Teemo! In the flesh!

"Damn it, you think he'll sign my robe?"

"You know, I heard Captain Teemo was gay. I think I'll go gay too!"

"What!? Shut the fuck up! I'm going gay first!"

"CAPTAIN TEEMO, YOU ARE AWESOME!"

"HEY, I WANTED TO SAY HE'S AWESOME FIRST!"

"SHUT UP, YOU STRAIGHT HETEROSEXUAL! CAPTAIN TEEEMOO!"

_Ah..._ thought Teemo as he walked past his minion soldiers. _It's really something to be able to hear everyone's voice. They're all so different and energetic. _

_But..._

_I'm not gay,_ thought Teemo, weeping silently.

"Captain Teemo."

"Alfred. You don't think I'm gay, do you?"

"I can say with no hesitation whatsoever, without a shadow of a doubt in mind, with the utmost confidence, that you are assuredly, unquestionably gay. But do not worry, Captain Teemo. Even if there are others who try to copy you, they will never be as rainbow, as Bohemian, as curvy a line as you are."

_ALFREEEEEEEEEEED!_

All the power and influence in the world, yet this was one misunderstanding he couldn't recover from. Teemo sighed. Well, changing from the hopeless, wimpy minion he had used to be into the powerful, cunning, fearless Captain Teemo...he supposed there had to be some sacrifices.

"Moving on from your mindblowingly blatant homosexuality-"

_IT'S TOO MUCH OF A SACRIFICE!_

"Captain Teemo. What is your plan for today's battle?"

"Oh...the plan," said Teemo after he had finished shedding a puddle of tears on the ground. "Don't worry, Alfred. I've already thought of a plan."

Yes. He could feel it. It was an itch in the very core of his body.

The ultimate strategy.

The lynchpin for victory.

Teemo stood up and looked back at all the minions waiting behind him. He could see from the expressions on their faces that they were serious. They were ready to follow him to the death. Normally this would have pressured any normal minion. Any Minion Leader would have had at least the slightest twinge of fear, fear for failure, fear for the crushing burden of their lives in his hands.

But Captain Teemo had no such fears.

Because he knew.

He knew that his plan, born from the instincts created within him from the experience and wisdom of all his ancestors, was foolproof.

"Minions! Gather!"

The minions gathered into a huddle.

"Listen to me. Our champion, Darius, is arriving as we speak. He is waiting for us to engage the minions. We cannot fail him. We are minions! Supporting the champion is our duty!"

"YES, SIR!"

"Now, listen. Once I have told you my plan, we must act quickly! Not a second must be spared! Do you understand me?"

"YES, SIR!"

"Good. Now, once more."

"REPORTING FOR DUTY!"

"REPORTING FOR DUTY!" shouted Teemo. Yes. They could do it. With this much spirit, anything was possible. It would be a perfect win for Purple Team's top lane.

"Alright. Come, minions!"

The plan was simple. There was no way any mistake could be made. Such an amazing plan, even Teemo was frightened by its ingenuity.

This plan would change the face of League of Legends as they knew it.

"Listen, minions! These are your Captain's orders!"

"YES, SIR!" The minions listened attentively. Yes. This was it. His instincts were prickling. It was time.

Teemo flicked his hand out and shouted at the top of his lungs:

"GO! RUN AND HIDE IN THAT BUSH, NOW!"

Instantly, the wave of minions charged the first bush, piling into it like Sona's fanclub during the Arcade Sona PAX giveaway.

"Is everyone here?" said Teemo, crouching down in the bush.

"Yes, everyone is accounted for!"

"Good. Initiate part two of the plan."

The whispers went down through the ranks. Captain Teemo's orders were acknowledged.

Every minion stood still and waited two seconds to stealth.

"Now...we wait," said Captain Teemo.

_We wait._

* * *

><p>"WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY MINIONS!?"<p>

Darius had been in top lane for five minutes. Yet, not a single purple minion could be found.

A mistake. That's what he had thought at first. Perhaps they had come out late. But then, a minute had passed. The other lanes already had their minions clashing furiously.

So then, _where were his!?_

"Captain Teemo, Darius is being pushed back to his turret."

"Wait."

"Yes, sir."

Another minute passed.

"Captain Teemo, Darius has been hugging the turret since the beginning of the game. He has exactly 0 CS."

"Keep waiting."

"Yes, sir."

Another minute passed.

"Captain Teemo, Xin Zhao has killed Darius under the turret."

"Endure it."

"Yes, sir."

Five minutes passed.

"Captain Teemo, the Blue Team sent all five champions to top lane and dove Darius. The turret is now destroyed."

"Good. Tell everyone they're doing well. Keep waiting."

"Yes, sir."

The fifteen-minute mark had been reached.

"Captain Teemo, the second top turret has been destroyed. Purple team is in complete disarray and Darius is 0/25/0."

"That's great news! Isn't that great, guys?"

"Shall we keep waiting, sir?"

Captain Teemo stood up, his robe flowing down behind him. Feeling the full pack hanging to his side, Teemo decided that it was time to start part three of the plan.

"Jeez, Darius. You fucking suck. Worst top lane ever."

"Feed more, you noob. This is why I hate low ELO."

"FUCK YOU! MY FUCKING MINIONS WOULDN'T COME OUT! THIS IS FUCKING RIGGED!"

"Why do you suck so bad? Uninstall, please."

"Never go out again, Darius. Piece of shit."

"0/45/0 LOL. SO BAD."

"FUCKING RETARDED DARIUS. HOW COULD YOU LOSE YOUR TOWER TEN MINUTES IN? WORST FUCKING PLAYER EVER."

"STFU! I TOLD YOU ALREADY, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MINIONS! YOU GUYS SUCK! SO BAD LEESIN AND LEBLANC."

"LOL AT THIS NOOB TRYING TO TALK SHIT! Just shut up, kid. Don't even know how to play a broken champ."

"I'M 25/0 WITH DARIUS, NOOBS!"

"Still crying, kid?"

"I'M NOT CRYING, YOU GUYS JUST SUCK TOO MUCH."

"You mad, kid?"

"YOU MAD BROO?"

"FUCK YOU GUYS! I FUCKING TOLD YOU, IT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING MINI-"

**"YOUR TEAM HAS DESTROYED AN ENEMY TURRET!"**

The champions gathered inside the Purple Base looked at one another.

"...What?"

"DON'T FEAR! KEEP THROWING MUSHROOMS!" shouted Captain Teemo. The second turret exploded as dozens of mushrooms peppered its surface. The enemy blue minions were screaming in pain as the shroom poison attacked their bodies.

**PART THREE OF THE ULTIMATE TEEMO PLAN**

- Gather mushroom traps.

- Distribute among minions.

- ?!

- PROFIT!

Hundreds of minions had been in that single bush. Stealthed, they had been unnoticed by Xin Zhao and the rest of his team. Mushroom traps had been gathered until each minion had an arsenal of three mushrooms each.

THE ULTIMATE ARTILLERY TEAM.

200 + (80% AP) MAGIC DoT!

A flood of purple minions were rushing down top lane.

"STOP! GET BACK TO BASE, RIGHT NOW! THE PURPLE MINIONS ARE AT OUR BASE!"

**"YOUR INHIBITOR HAS BEEN DESTROYED!"**

"HOLY SHIT, SO MANY SHROOMS!"

"FIGHT UNDER THE TURRET! FIGHT UNDERAAAAAGGHHH!"

In less than 5 minutes, the entire Blue base was wiped out. The Nexus was quickly taken and the battle ended.

"I can't believe it..."

Warwick, the poison seeping throughout his body, could only manage three more words before he expired. The three words that were echoed by all of his teammates that day-

"Purple...minions...OP."

* * *

><p>Carnage. Destruction. That was all that waited for them at the end of a battle. Even with dozens of battle under his belt now, Captain Teemo still found such a sight hard to swallow.<p>

So many female minions. Dead.

It was no wonder there were so many minions crying around him.

"IT WAS THE POISON! I...I DIDN'T WANT TO KILL THEM!"

"It's ok...It's fine!" cried another minion, patting his friend's shoulder. "They'll be back...you know they will..."

"BUT WE WON'T BE HERE!"

Yes. That was the curse of the Purple Team. They would never see or remember the Blue Team's beautiful, prized selection of female minions ever again.

"Captain Teemo...do you want to take your leave first?"

"...No. I'll stay here, with everyone else." While he would forget faster by leaving first, he didn't want to let his fellow minions suffer alone.

"Captain Teemo...you don't have to force yourself."

"No. It's fine, Alfred. I'll stay here."

"Cap...CAPTAIN!"

"CAPTAIN TEEMOO!"

"YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO US!"

"He's staying with us...even though...I'm so ashamed," cried one of the minions to Alfred. "If only I could be as good as Captain Teemo."

"Then look. And don't ever forget. Captain Teemo is a minion that cares for his comrades!" whispered Alfred, tears streaming from his eyes. "Even though he's gay, he stays among these dead female bodies at his own suffering!"

Teemo knelt down and began crying freely with his bo staff clenched to his chest.

"Look at his frustration! His fury at having taken the lives of so many innocents! So admirable!" said Alfred, touched to his heart. "Captain Teemo! Don't cry! WE HAVE WON TODAY!"

"Sniff...Alfred..." said Teemo in a watery voice. "Alfred...I've been so stupid..."

"No, Captain Teemo. You are a light to us all. You have done well," said Alfred, patting Teemo's head.

"I...I didn't know. Throwing all those poison mushrooms hurt my arm so much, I just..."

"I understand your pain, sir."

Teemo held his hand to his mouth and grew silent. Yes. Alfred was right. He had done well. He couldn't let this one screw-up ruin his future.

He was a minion now. It didn't matter if things had changed. All that mattered was the future. And how he would confront it.

Teemo gripped the wooden shaft tighter to his chest.

Yes, he would continue on his path. Even if he had found out he could blow poison darts with his bo staff.

* * *

><p><strong>The Strongest Minion in Runeterra<strong>


	17. Intermission

**A/N:** _Recently, I've been interested in a blog called Y U SO MAD, LOL? I get quite a bit of inspiration from some of the entries, so I thought I'd spread it to those who want their LoL rage fix. __And no, this is not me trying to make up for a shorter chapter. Short chapters are a work of genius. _

_Anyways, link's on my profile if you're interested. Or _just google it._  
><em>

* * *

><p>"You can't be serious, Francis. Have the Madred procs gone to your head?"<p>

"I'm quite serious, George. This is no way to treat a sacred tome such as this. Why, I believe this could be considered the Dead Sea Scrolls of our era! To bury the helm of revolution, to interrupt and disperse this sea of innovation that we hold in our very palms! I can see no other mad minion than you, George."

"Revolutionary! Indeed! However, now is not the time! Are you going to take responsibility for the devastation of our society? I hope you realize that what we hold right now is not Prometheus' gift, but Pandora's Box! Not Eternal Life, but the Apple of Eden!"

"What does it matter? I welcome the eradication of these misbegotten, these _vile,_ _rotten_ chains etched into our very flesh! Fall, I say! Rust and shatter! Chip away into dust for all I care! It is better to have lived than not at all!"

George, the golem, wrapped his stony grip around the Big Golem's wrist. Francis tightened his hold on the book, but did not resist.

"You know, as well as I do," said George, his words low and somber. "We must do as he says."

"We have been wrong before. We are hardly infallible," persisted Francis, lowering his hand.

"Yes. You are right. But there is a reason why he chose this tome of all things." Stark red, like blood shining on steel, the character _devil_ seemed to shudder, as if it was trying to escape from the cover of the book itself. "It is out of our hands, Francis."

"They need this, George. _We need this._ Dirtying our hands is well-worth the price."

"Fool," hissed George, shaking his head. "Is that what you truly think? Regret is not suitable for the present. What we need now, what we have always needed is _balance_. This world is constantly changing in order to _balance_ the forces. This will destroy everything. All the work that was done, all the sacrifices that were made."

George clasped Francis' hand tightly.

"I beg you, Francis. Let go of the future this book holds. It is dark, suffocating, and irreparable."

Francis' eyes lowered to the book. His eyes stuck to its ominous glow, dark like the shadows hiding under night, majestic like the aura of a king.

"Francis. George. Please."

The golems turned to the voice behind them. An abnormally large minion, larger than even a Siege, bowing his head in desperation. No, rather, it was in defeat. Exhaustion.

He had turned the book to them because he himself could no longer withstand it. The tome that held his past, his dreams-

His identity.

Francis stared at the solemn minion. He could not release the book. It was already out of his hands.

But the stakes were high. It was crushing. The weight of the book was unbearable.

"PC. Are you sure about this?" asked Francis. He was unable to pose any other question. He could say no other words. He knew the answer. But that was not enough.

"Yes," said PC, without hesitation. "Ah ask you to do me this one last favor."

_Take it away. Make it so that it never existed. _

The legendary ancestor of the Morellonomicon was never recovered.

* * *

><p><strong>Those Minions<br>**

* * *

><p>"It seems the golems were cleared."<p>

A short stature that could rival that of a minion's. Wrapped in gray rags, worn with age and use.

"Fantastic. Disagreeable lot. They always attack me when I come near," said a taller figure, almost stick-like in shape. "Drastic difference from the Purple Golems."

"Nice, are they?" said the short figure, wading through the tall grass of a bush.

"Ah, no, no. That's belittling them. Hospitable. Generous? Or perhaps Good Samaritans?"

"Good what?"

"Nevermind. A mythical term," said the tall figure, clearing the remainder of the grass away with his hands. "Ah, here we are."

Bottom lane. Blue side.

"Just like I said. 'Just heading in the general direction will take us back to where we came from.'"

"You've said things like that before. Can you blame me for having doubts?"

Before the tall figure could answer, a loud voice sounded from nearby.

"I'm telling you, Rammus got fucking TAKEN LOL."

"No way. Stop fucking with me."

"I'm not, LOL. Like, srsly. ROFL. I can't stop laughing."

"You sure it wasn't the other way around? I mean taunt, bro."

"NO, LOL. It was the golems, ROFL! They just came in and JACKED HIM ROFLLLLLL!"

The laughing blue minion rolled on the ground, the rest of his words lost in a sea of giggles and cracking squeals. He continued to laugh even as the two figures approached them from behind.

"Hello, there! I presume you two are minions?" said the tall figure, eying them curiously.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Definitely minions," said the short figure, grinning.

"What's that? You got a problem with the way I talk, bitch?" said the blue minion, getting up from the ground.

"Hey, Porky. Chill out."

"Shut the fuck up! I joined the fucking blue minions because the fucking purple minions gave me so much shit, but HELL NO, I get shit here too! I'm fucking done with it!"

"I think it's because you say LOL so much. Where the fuck did you pick that from up anyways?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! WANT ME TO KICK YOUR ASS, BITCH?"

"There's no reasoning with them when they're like this," said the tall figure in a whisper to the short figure. "Ah now, now. Let's not get into any trouble here. I take it you're a melee minion? Absolutely, I can see the lance and shield. Stunning really, you've got an amazing physique. Relatively, of course, but still..."

"What?"

"I think he said you're buff."

"Yeah? Ha! Well, bitch, you got good eyes LOL."

"Seriously...you need to stop that."

"What was that you were saying about the golems?" asked the short figure.

"Did I say you could talk, bitch?" said Porky, swinging his lance forward. "The fuck are you anyways?"

"Just a wandering minion."

"As am I," said the tall figure, bowing his head. "Pleased to meet you. They call me TP. I was exiled from the Purple Army years ago. Or well, I suppose it was self-exile, although that's not really exile, is it? Perhaps I should just say I escaped, no that would be a bit rude, the Purple Army wasn't _terrible_, but still, not very suitable for a grown minion like I was at the time-"

"LOL, TP! Hey, you remember that time we TPed the Nexus Turrets?"

"Haha, hell yeah! Everyone thought it was Surprise Party Fiddlesticks."

"LOL, TPed THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE TURRE-"

Suddenly, TP struck out with his hand and smashed Porky's face into the ground.

"Ah! Sorry, sorry! I'm horribly sorry! Oh great Runeterra, what have I done? I'm so sorry, it's just when my name's used in that manner, I just act on instinct. I really didn't know I was doing that, I'm completely at fault! Although, in all honesty, TP is such an archaic term, it really does rankle me a bit to be associated with such juvenile pranks, even if it is quite funny when you successfully accomplish the deed. But, please, don't take offense, I also Toilet Papered when I was younger, fairly popular at the time, couldn't shake the other minions off me even though I said countless numbers of times that I had no interest in males and never would-"

"You...BITCH!" said Porky, seething with boiling anger. He burst from the ground into a furious lunge, stabbing his lance out at TP's face. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU THEN ROFLCOPTER ON YOUR FUCKING FACE!"

"Oh, fine, fine. I'll let you take a shot," said TP, standing stock-still. The lance pierced into his gray hood, ringing with a shrill screech upon contact. Porky backed away with wide eyes, the lance crumpled like an accordion in his hand. "As I said, absolutely my fault. I can see you're not satisfied, do another, would you? It's only fair after all."

"I know you're being sincere, but it looks like a joke if you do it like that, TP," said the short minion, pulling the taller minion backwards. "He's very sorry. I'll make sure he gets properly disciplined later."

"Dear Runeterra, please refrain from forsaking me to this meticulous sadist-"

"Shut up," said the short minion, smacking TP. "I'm sorry for being so curt, but you don't look hurt and it really was out of instinct. He's done it a lot. No hard feelings?"

The short minion extended his hand out to Porky. Porky looked at him hesitantly, then back at his lance. He shook his head and kept his hand tightly against his side. The short minion's smile wilted a bit as he put his own hand away dispiritedly.

_That fucker bent the shit out of my lance, but this midget smacked him without a care in the world!_

Long ago, Porky had been a rash minion. But experience had changed him. He could already see the wide gulf between these two wanderers and himself.

It was wider than the whole of Runeterra. They were on the level of the legendary Captain Teemo.

Dangerous. These two were seriously dangerous.

"There was a minion standing in the middle of the lane. Rammus hit him and then the golems came out from the jungle and dragged him away."

"Oh..." said the short minion, taken aback by Porky's sudden compliance. "Uh...thank you."

Without another word, Porky turned around and began walking down bottom lane. The other blue minion hesitated for a minute, glancing back at the wanderers, before chasing after Porky.

"...Porky? What the hell? You just fucking left."

"...What's your name?"

"What?"

"What's your name?"

"Are you fucking serious? It's Louis, Marco's brother. Dude, we've been talking for like six months already."

"...Louis. When we get back to base, I'll buy you a Reuben sandwich."

"Cool. I mean...what? Wait, what are you talking about?"

Porky couldn't keep the smile off his face. It was stuck there. It would never leave his face ever again. If he had snarled, if he had frowned, if he had let any negative expression cross his face, he felt like he would've died.

A Reuben sandwich. He was worth at least one, right? Maybe even two.

Either way, it was a good trade for having his life spared. He hoped he would never see that short Lee Sin look-alike ever again.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_What, two Author's notes? Well, it's nice to change things up once in a while. _

_Today's chapter was quite short. It's an intermission between the frantic events happening all across the board in Those Minions. However, it's also the introduction of new characters in a still growing cast.  
><em>

_That said, we're getting back into the main plot with the next chapter. I want to take the chance to say thanks for all those that reviewed and are enjoying the story. For those that provided feedback and criticism, I really appreciate it. I'm trying to incorporate what I'm learning from the feedback, but to keep the style consistent, the changes aren't going to be hugely noticeable or significant right away. Nevertheless, whenever I write a sentence, I'll always have your guys' feedback in mind to keep me in check.  
><em>


	18. Minions vs Champions

**Those Minions**

**EDIT: Fixed the errors in this chapter. Thanks anonymous guest for pointing them out! If others see any more, feel free to flame me.**

* * *

><p><strong>RECAP START<strong>

* * *

><p><em>Last time on <strong>Those Minions<strong>._

_Melee revealed to Caster that he had gotten married to his wife by mistake, only for Katarina to kill their wife shortly after. Blazing with a thirst for vengeance, the two minions decide to go out into the battlefield and kill Katarina. _

_Meanwhile, in the Purple Base, a new recruit named Primey ends up being paired with the freakishly gigantic and widely hated minion named PC. News reaches the purple minions that the legendary F-Cup Sona is coming to the battlefield. Unfortunately, Primey and PC end up getting sent to top lane through a rigged selection made by the Purple Caster Duo. With a passionate, suckup speech, PC is able to win over Ashe's interest, and convince her to switch lanes with Irelia, grabbing Sona for the top lane minions._

_After getting halfway into the battlefield, Melee and Caster get into an argument over their shared deceased wife, Millet. Fearing for their friendship, the female announcer, dubbed Summoner Lady, bursts into their conversation and accidentally reveals that she is in love with Melee. However, when Caster hurts Summoner Lady deeply with a barrage of insults, Melee ends up proposing to the announcer in order to stop her from crying. After being married to Melee through the efforts of Caster, the Summoner Lady reveals that Katarina is in today's battle. However, the Summoner Lady mixes up the team roster, and as a result, the two minions decide to roam through what they assume is a safe jungle on the Purple side, in order to gain experience._

_Ashe convinces Irelia to switch lanes with her so that they can have a tactical advantage against top lane. However, they find that Vayne had the same idea, essentially mirroring the lanes. Ashe is wounded and Sona killed after Primey freezes up in battle. Primey is too disgusted with himself and filled with fear to fight properly. Another of PC's inspirational speeches brings Primey back into line. _

_Behind all of this, a minion named Cast is stirring up a devious plot. With the help of other minions, he is able to kidnap Rammus from bottom lane and converse with the Elder Lizard and Ancient Golem on the Blue side, in order to continue with his plan. _

_Meanwhile, a purple-minion-turned-blue-minion named Porky gets into an encounter with two mysterious, wandering minions. After getting into an argument, Porky attempts to attack the two minions, but stops as soon as he realizes their gap in strength. He informs the minions of the kidnap of Rammus and then retreats, glad to have survived his encounter with a Leesin look-alike._

_Melee and Caster reach the Blue camp on the Purple side, and after a fierce struggle, are able to defeat the Blue golem and grab the exp and buff. After helping Irelia with a gank in bot lane, Master Yi asks Kassadin for a leash and goes to his Blue. However, with only the remains of a cocaine explosion left, Yi realizes that someone has invaded his jungle. Eventually, he catches up to Melee and Caster at the Red camp, where they face off in battle._

_**FLASHBACKS**  
><em>

_**Once Upon a Minion - 1** - A recounting of the source of Cast's anger and hatred._

_**Once Upon a Minion - 2** - A flashback to when Melee and Caster first met._

_**Holiday Special - The Strongest Minion in Runeterra** - A story about the strongest minion to have ever existed in Runeterra._

* * *

><p><strong>RECAP END<strong>

* * *

><p>He was dying.<p>

No, he was dead.

He could feel nothing. The slash that had passed through his body, from shoulder to hip, as if the sinew in his body had simply dissolved-

_Is this what it feels like to die? Pain so intense that you can't even feel it anymore. You can't see anything. Something's sinking in your chest, down to the pit of your stomach._

Or maybe that was simply his organs, dripping over his bones.

_...I can't remember it at all. Dying like this. _

_So maybe..._

_Maybe..._

I NEVER DI-

"Melee."

The word came from his lips. _Melee? Why am I calling for that idiot right now? I'm dying. No, I'm dead. Of all the names I know, why is that damn moron's first to come out of my mouth?_

"Melee."

Yi had struck him. That was for sure. He hadn't held back; the bloodthirst had been screaming off his blade.

But there was something else he knew for sure.

That he was still alive.

"_MELEE!_"

Caster's eyes wrenched open, breath suddenly rushing through his body. He wasn't dead. He hadn't been struck.

Melee had been.

"MELEE!" he screamed again, his voice cracking. He could barely move. His ribs had been crushed. It felt as if there was a pincer tightening around his chest. His lungs were beating desperately against shards of bone and his throat was tearing itself apart as he loosed scream after scream.

But even then, Melee didn't answer. It was as if he had just turned into a bundle of cloth. It was unnatural how still he was. There was no way that a minion could be so still. No way that a minion could look so lifeless, like a rock, like a broken branch, like a decaying blade of grass...

_No..._

Caster's hands tremored so violently against the dirt that his skin started to bruise. He had to get up. He had to get to Melee, had to stop Yi from finishing him off. There was no way that he was dead. He couldn't be dead, that could never happen, HE WAS THE FUCKING MAIN CHARACTER-

"Don't move."

Cold steel touched his neck. Caster clenched his eyes tightly. It was his turn now. Yet, Melee wasn't doing anything. He was letting Caster die, even though he hadn't told him yet.

That one thing, that mysterious thought that had always tormented him.

A secret that Caster knew too well, if only because it was like a parasite, sucking away at his best friend.

_My best friend-_

_He was-_

"Your friend has died," said Yi.

"Are you sure about that?" said Caster. A shaky laugh rattled past his lips. Yi remained silent. Caster tried to raise himself again. This time, Yi did not stop him. Caster got to his feet, feeling as if the slightest breath would be enough to knock him back down.

"Come on...you wanking bastard..." said Caster, his hands trembling on his raised staff. His legs were like jelly. His vision was blurring. He hadn't been hit, so how had Yi done so much damage to him?

_Doesn't matter. Stand. Don't fall. If you fall, it was all for nothing. If you fall then-_

_JUST DON'T FALL._

"I'm sorry," said Yi. He withdrew his sword and bowed his head.

Caster couldn't do anything but stare.

_What-_

"I said come at me, you bastard!"

_Why_-

Yi did not move.

"Don't..." Caster felt as if all of his bones would shatter into dust if he held himself back any longer. "Don't you dare..."

His bloodthirst was scorching. Sweat was beading down Yi's face. He could see Yi's muscles hardening in defense against his threat.

But even so, Yi still did not move.

"DON'T FUCK WITH ME, YOU BASTARD!" screamed Caster, pure energy blasting from his wand. Yi's sword rose and dispersed the blast. "FIGHT! FIGHT ME!"

A heated barrage. Each and every blast he fired was like a piece of his life flowing out. His body was becoming heavy with exhaustion, every additional movement becoming harder and harder to achieve.

_Damn it! Damn it, why!?_

_Why aren't you trying to kill me!?_

"FIGHT!" roared Caster, swinging his wand forward. But this time, nothing expelled from the wand's tip. He was out of energy. Even his anger was no longer enough to sustain him. Caster fell to his knees, panting harder than he had ever in his life.

"Why...why won't you fight me..." said Caster, tears forming at the edge of his eyes. Yi's eyes gazed sorrowfully down at the despairing minion.

"There was a time where I believed that battle could be won with champions alone," said Yi. "But even when I realized otherwise, I still believed that we were different. I have always been told that you were mindless, soulless puppets. So then, tell me, minion. How can you have such an expression on your face?"

"What are you talking about? What expression? There's nothing on my face," said Caster, grinning wildly as two tears trickled briefly down his face. "I'm perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with me. I just want to fucking kill you. I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'LL KILL YOU FOR KILLING MELEE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"DO NOT WASTE YOUR COMRADE'S SACRIFICE!" roared Yi. The sudden outburst made Caster falter for a second, but then his face contorted with rage.

"Sacrifice? Why should I care? Who told him he could go and save my life!? Who told him to run at me and push me away so hard that I nearly died! Who told him that I wanted to survive like that!?" screamed Caster.

Yi raised his sword threateningly. In an instant, the hairs on Caster's neck stood up and his body instinctively came to a halt. A wall had been raised in front of him, so thick and strong that it seemed to be pushing _him _instead.

"I am giving you a chance," said Yi, his voice low. "Your friend died for your sake with only the thought of protecting you from harm. I have nothing more than the utmost respect for his courage and valor. It is for him that I am letting you leave freely. Do not trample his noble sacrifice. If you say any more, I will no longer hesitate to kill you."

Caster laughed scornfully. "Respect? Being dead deserves respect? Being killed brings some kind of honor? Is that right, Yi? Is this some sort of code of the samurai? I never knew that being respected by one fucking, son of a bitch champion was worth losing your life for. That sounds like a great reward! I look damn forward to it! Hell, why don't you tell me more about how being respected is so great? Is there something I'm missing here, Yi? Because I can't see anything getting better than this!"

"It is not about respect," said Yi quietly. "It is about what kind of minion he was. No...was he truly a minion? Never have I seen a minion with such fighting spirit. With such consideration for his comrade. And with such drive so as to face death without a thought. Respect is all I can muster. If I could offer more, I would. He was an individual that even champions would find difficulty in matching."

"_He was a minion_," growled Caster.

"A minion of minions. It is the first time that I regret killing someone in battle. In exchange for your life, his potential was thrown away. The chance to become a figure of legend was surely written in his fate. Such a gem of a life...winked out at my hands. I regret. I grieve. And so, I will not forgive you for taking your life so lightly. It is a life that was saved in exchange for a greater life than yours."

Caster chuckled. "You're a damn comedian, Yi. You talk at me, then expect me to just walk away? You think you can justify what you've done by saying you're sorry? Don't...FUCK! WITH ME! I'll kill you here and then we can start about being even!"

"This is my last warning. Don't do this. If simple vengeance is all you seek, then I will not hold back."

Caster swung the wand fiercely in front of him. So what if he died? So what if Yi could kill him in an instant. He couldn't sit back. He couldn't just run away and leave Melee's body here.

Even if he wanted to, even if that was what Melee would've wanted, even if everything in the world was shrieking at him to get some sanity-

"It's not enough," said Caster, power charging into his wand. "If you want me to stop, then YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO EAT YOUR WORDS!"

The blast that shot from Caster's wand had such force that a sphere of energy radiated around him. Yi could feel his clothes rippling from its intensity. It was quick, almost too quick for him to react to.

But, it would never hit him.

**ALPHA STRIKE.**

He regretted it. It was such an immense feeling of regret that he knew that it would be as much a part of him as his sword was. It almost made him want to quit being a champion. He wanted to forfeit the match and wander away into darkness.

_I will have killed them both._

Master Yi, one of the greatest enemies a minion could have, swore that he would never kill another minion again.

_I am truly sorry..._

And then, he was there. His blade had passed through the minion in a green blur. He knew the minion was dead. Even with his Alpha Strike at only level 1, it was enough to finish this weakened minion.

_Foolish, foolish! What did you think you could gain from this?_

Yi flicked his sword to the side. At the very least, he would not show his back to them. He would face their corpses, straight and tall, as their final opponent.

As he turned, a blast of white-hot energy burst against his face. Yi cried out and reeled backwards in shock.

_What!?_

Instantly, ice began forming around his face and legs. He was slowing down. _Rylai's!? When did he..._

_No, that wasn't it-_

_How!?_

_He had hit him for sure!_

"How are you still ali-"

A blue glow, flickering. Swinging in small arcs.

On the neck of the caster minion was a small cross-shaped pendant.

_Banshee's Veil?_

But there had been no shield. When had he equipped it-

_The last attack. Not a circle of energy, but a shield!_

Minions. These minions were constantly surpassing his expectations. For a single moment, Yi's regret was forgotten. For a single moment, the euphoric flame blazed in his chest again, the thirst for battle raging once more within him.

_Ingenious...but futile! He's in no shape to battle, and even with Rylai's, he cannot escape me!_

**WUJU STYLE.**

The strength filled him to his core. In one strike, he would end this. No matter what the minion had left in his sleeve, it wouldn't be enough.

_This is as far as you go, minion!_

Suddenly, a thought cut through the fog in his mind. A sharp thought with such terrifying clarity that Yi felt his body freeze in response.

_If this minion had Banshee's Veil, then-_

A blur, as quick as his Alpha Strike's, the spiked tips of Infinity Edge cleaving through his body-

Blood was streaming from him in spiraling ribbons. His armor and clothes had been torn to shreds. As the champion fell to his first defeat to a minion, he couldn't help but fall with a slight smile on his face.

_Truly a minion of minions._

* * *

><p>The Frost Archer. The Queen of Freljord was a suitable rank. Her skill and intensity were unparalleled. It had been long since the Night Hunter had faced difficulty with an opponent.<p>

But only slightly.

Ashe gritted her teeth as another poison bolt pierced her skin. She retreated backwards and wrenched the bolt out, replacing it with a frozen arrow tip. She ducked just as the enormous Condemn bolt flew at her head.

"Too slow, Frost Archer!" shouted Vayne, unleashing a flurry of bolts at her target. Ashe fired a Volley spread, the sparkling projectiles clashing into silver bolts, their clatter as they fell to the ground sounding like heavy rain. Vayne rushed closer, undisturbed by the proximity of her range. She fired a bolt point-blank, then whipped her arm across, the sharp edges of her crossbow slashing at Ashe.

Ashe grunted as she dodged the bolt and parried the crossbow with her own bow. She reached back into her quiver, drawing a frost arrow, and gripped it near the arrowhead. Bow slipping over her arm and onto her shoulder, Ashe switched to hand-to-hand combat. Her free hand lunged at Vayne's wrist, gripping it tightly as her other hand drove the frost arrow into her bicep. The Night Hunter growled in pain, kicking sharply upwards. Ashe spun to the side, drawing another frost arrow from her quiver, then stabbed the arrow into the Night Hunter's thigh.

"Enough with your tricks!" said Vayne, instantly turning to Ashe's position. The Condemn bolt flew into Ashe's torso, blasting her off her feet. She crashed into the ground, the wind taken from her lungs.

"RAAAHHH!"

Vayne turned just as Primey launched at her from behind.

"Minion!" shouted Vayne, instantly loosing a silver bolt. Primey raised his shield just as quickly and swatted the bolt aside.

_What!?_

Vayne moved her crossbow to block the lance speeding towards her heart. Primey struck her with all the force he could muster, but Vayne was able to withstand the blow.

_Die!_

Another Condemn bolt. It was at point-blank. If she fired it now, the minion, in his already weakened state, would never survive.

Vayne fired.

Primey roared, every single muscle in his body suddenly converging their strength into one point.

_Break._

_BREAK._

_BREAK!_

With a bone-wrenching crack, Primey's lance pierced through the crossbow, string and all, tearing through Vayne's skin. The Night Hunter threw herself backwards, blood dripping down her arm. Primey flicked his lance back and then dashed towards Vayne again.

Again and again. Vayne couldn't understand it. Yes, minions would attack champions. That was part of their duty. But to attack with such single-minded ferocity was unheard of. To sacrifice themselves to save another was equally impossible.

Just who were these minions?

"RAAAHHH!" shouted Primey, thrusting his lance forward. Vayne dodged the attack with a Tumble, then leapt forward-

Her leg stiffened. She couldn't move.

_Damn, the Frost Archer!_

Her thigh had frozen up. She was too slow to escape. Vayne whipped her mangled crossbow at Primey. Primey smashed the remains away with his shield and raised his lance-

He could see himself in the reflections of her goggles.

_This time, I win, bitch._

He stabbed the lance down into her head. The glass from her goggles smashed into pieces, flinging like raindrops into the air.

But her head was no longer there.

_Damn it-!_

"Don't get cocky, minion!" bellowed Vayne, ramming the Condemn bolt into Primey's shield. It cracked through the wooden defense like paper, splinters trailing from the thrown-back Primey like dust from a comet. He landed on the ground heavily as pieces of his weapons scattered away in every direction.

Vayne was bleeding from both eyes. The glass had penetrated deeply and the pain throbbed relentlessly under her forehead. She unhooked the goggles from her head and dropped them, her thick braided hair coming apart into haphazard strands across her face.

"So, it seems we're even now, Frost Archer," said Vayne with a small smile. Ashe stepped slowly towards her, a frost arrow already armed and aimed.

"Twinkle-toed ice fairy bitch! Don't even think about fucking moving! That bitch is mine!" gasped Primey, struggling to his feet.

"Primey..." said Ashe. The minion had taken a direct blow from Condemn. It was incredible that he could even stand. A stark difference from the weak-willed minion he had been just moments ago.

_This is not the time for you to fall, minion._

Ashe tightened her grip on the arrow. There was no choice. She had to freeze Primey with a Frost Arrow. It would be close, but if Vayne tried to attack her with a Condemn, she would use a point-blank Volley. No doubt they would both sustain heavy injuries. But it was fine. Even if they died, they would come back exactly the same as before.

But minions...minions were different.

_I won't remember this anyways._

Yes, _they_ were different. Perhaps, just perhaps she could use that to her advantage. If _they_ would come back remembering anyways...

_No! What are you thinking, Ashe!? _

Ashe gritted her teeth. No, even if it was possible, she would never do it.

They were her pillars of support.

"Damn, that bitch. All the same, these fucking champions," muttered Primey, fumbling around for his lance. "I'll fucking punch your boob if you fucking touch even a hair on that slimy, goth, motherfucking whor-"

"Primey."

"Holy shit!" shouted Primey, jumping backwards in shock. An enormous shadow loomed over him. "P-PC?"

He was fine. Completely fine. It was as if he had never been touched by those silver bolts.

"How...How are you..."

"Primey, where are the minions?"

"What? They're over there, fighting like they always are-"

_No._

_A minion? Besides us?_

_I haven't heard anything-_

_I haven't seen-_

Primey suddenly felt like his lungs had vanished.

"They're not here..."

"That's right. Something's wrong," said PC, his eyes darting back and forth.

"Ashe-"

Ashe hesitated as she heard Sona's voice. It didn't escape Vayne's sight. In an instant, she was rushing at the Frost Archer. Ashe drew back her bowstring and fired the Volley.

A tremendous rumble knocked the two champions off their feet. They tumbled onto their backs as dust covered them, a deafening roar echoing in their ears.

"-minions are gone! Ashe, the minions are gone!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: _Minions are back once again! I've finally gotten a bit of a break to work with, so hoping to make up for all the offtime I've accumulated. The next few chapters are going to be pretty plot-heavy, so sorry for those who were expecting more humor! I'll see what I can do though. And thanks again to all those who are __still__ keeping up with the story! It's really been inconsistent in terms of updates, and for that, I apologize. I added a recap at the beginning of the chapter as a refresher for those who don't want to go back and read the entire thing (like I felt orz). Bit tired from writing this, so I'll check for any glaring errors later. See you guys again soon._**


	19. Minion Rising

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>The remnants of Yi's flesh and blood fell like crimson snowflakes. With Infinity Edge shimmering brightly in his clenched grip, it was as if Melee was wielding the setting sun. Panting from both exhaustion and the draining pain from his wounds, Melee put on a shaky grin and raised his arm.<p>

"Yo Caster, what's going on?"

Caster couldn't stop from grinning back.

"Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you! I can't believe you pulled that shit today!"

Their smiles gave way to laughter. They couldn't control themselves. All their fear, their anxiety, their adrenaline; the feelings that had been roiling in this stomachs finally broke, washing their tired bodies with relief. Melee hunched over Infinity Edge, his stomach aching from the endless laughing. Caster had his head up to the air, one hand covering his eyes as his lungs emptied themselves out at the sky.

Never-changing, from any angle, from any place on the map. Even underneath this eternal sky, the impossible had happened.

"You did it, you crazy bastard," said Caster.

"_We _did it," said Melee, slapping the minion's shoulder.

"Don't say it like that. You're ruining the moment."

"Do you always have to bitch, Caster?"

"Melee!" cried the Summoner Lady's voice. "Oh, I'm so glad you're ok!"

"Hey honey. Told you I'd kick his ass," said Melee. He waved at the sky then leaned over to Caster. "I told her that, right?"

"Are you fucking kidding? We ditched her after we talked about the jungle strategy."

"Oh yeah. Gotcha."

"I...I was so worried. I thought you were going to die!" continued the Summoner Lady, her watery voice buffeting against their ears like waves in a storm. "B-But I hung on, because I know you're a man and this was your chance!"

"T-Thanks, honey. Uhm...could you quiet down a bit?"

"MELEE!"

"Christ, nothing ever changes," said Caster, digging blood clots out of his ear. "So? What should we do about this guy?"

The two minions looked over at the fallen champion. It was incredible that Yi was still alive with those wounds on his body. Caster wondered if he had been able to use Meditate to heal himself just enough to make it. Either way, it seemed that his mana was sucked dry; as long as they had mana, a champion could kill a minion even with just a sliver of health left.

The red buff still glowed underneath Yi's body. Getting red buff would be essential to capturing Katarina; Frozen Mallet was not enough for someone who had an innate Flash as part of their kit.

Yi could feel their stares on him. He could feel their steps from the ground slightly vibrating underneath him. The blood that was still able to trickle in a thin drips. The air that smelled sour, yet crisper than it had ever been before.

Anger. Disappointment. Hatred. A black mixture frothed inside him. He squeezed his eyes shut and, for a moment, felt as if he had just started learning swordsmanship again. Suffering loss after loss, slowly gaining with each defeat, lying there with the strangest thought in his mind—

_I lost. But I did my best._

Satisfaction that he had never again felt. The holes in his heart filled with his own effort had been emptied by the Noxian invasion. From then on, losing had been painful. A reminder of his weakness, of his powerlessness when facing the world.

Not just a champion. The strongest champion. He would never lose. He would never feel such bitterness in his heart again. He would fill the holes permanently, covered with an iron wall called mastery.

It had been a long time. The blooming warmth in his chest was such a contrast that Yi was in shock. A crooked smile on his face, just as unstoppable as the laughter he could hear.

_I said that I would never lose. Yet I lost. To minions._

It was as if his self had broken in two. It was laughable. It was crushing. An unstoppable force forged by vengeance that had been stopped by vengeance, but defeated by persistence. The childlike thought of "I can't lose here." _I have to win. I won't lose anyone. I will protect my friend._

_I will never lose again. I will never feel this pain again._

So similar, yet so different. Hope that was brighter than light, despair that was darker than nothing.

Even as his body screamed in pain, even as his closing wounds burst open again, Yi laughed. He laughed so hard that tears began streaming down his face and fogged his goggles. He laughed and laughed, cried and cried.

"Finish me," he said. Even with his vision blurred, he could see their shadow cast over him. He didn't know what to feel. He didn't know whether he would truly let them kill him. He didn't know if he would seek revenge.

All he knew was that he had no regrets. If there had ever been a perfect time for death, it would have been in this space where irony stirred its bittersweet mixture down his throat.

Melee raised Infinty Edge over his head.

"Was planning on it."

Yi relaxed. Another first. Perhaps the last. He could not imagine when he would ever feel so relieved to be killed. He was broken; with death, he could be fixed.

_Really. What have these minions done to me?_

Melee swung the blade down. Then, he brought it up and began rubbing the remaining blood off with his robe.

"Alright, let's get out of here Caster. He'll get his mana back soon."

"Can't be helped," said Caster. He held out his hand for Infinity Edge, then shoved it into his bag, along with Rylai's and Frozen Mallet. "I've got a spare set of robes in here too."

"Oh, awesome. You think of everything Caster."

"Damn right," said Caster, putting on the robes. "Feeling good."

"Wait, where's min—"

"Melee said he hates you, Summoner Lady."

"WHAT!? MELEE! WHY!? WHAT HAVE I DONE? TELL ME WHAT TO FIX! MELEE, DON'T LEAVE ME!"

"No, I didn't say that! I was just asking Caster-"

"IS IT BECAUSE I HAVE A BAD VOICE? I'M SORRY, I'LL GET SURGERY ON MY VOCAL CHORDS SO I SOUND BETTER."

"That's not it at all! You sound amazingly sexy, I swear! It's all fucking Caster's fault!"

"That's some attitude you're taking after I save your ass for the umpteenth time."

"I saved you too, asshole!"

"You...Are you making fun of me?" shouted Yi. His hands dug into the bloodstained dirt as he struggled onto all fours. "I said to finish me."

"Like I said, I was planning on it. But I changed my mind," said Melee. "Hey Caster, where'd my hammer go?"

"Hammer? I thought it was a lance?"

"Retconned man. Get with the times."

"What do you mean you changed your mind? Are you pitying me?" said Yi.

"That's not it. I just think it'd leave a bad taste in my mouth if we ended it like this. Isn't that right, Caster?" said Melee, seeing his hammer and picking it up.

"That's right. You think we fucking like this? Fucking champions don't have any tact," said Caster, hauling the bag over his shoulder.

"Well, there you have it. But, I guess if you really want to keep going...Hey Caster, get me that from the bag."

Melee caught the blood-red blades, then threw a single Phantom Dancer into the air. It stabbed deeply into the earth inches from Yi's ear.

"I'm Melee from the Blue Minion side. You said I'm a minion of minions? Then I guess you won't have trouble remembering my name." Melee turned away with the other Phantom Dancer laid against his shoulders. "Bring that with you next time and we'll have a fair fight."

_A fair fight._

Yi smiled and lowered himself back onto the ground. _So, they had known._

The difference between a champion and minion amounted to a single core factor. Summoner spells. The strongest spell that a champion had against a minion was Smite.

In the battle, Yi's Smite had been used to steal Red buff. However, the cooldown had long since reset.

Yi faced the dirt and felt himself easing into unconsciousness. _A bad taste, indeed. _

"Did you seriously just leave half of Phantom Dancer with him? Are you gay?"

"Shut up Caster! That's not it!" hissed Melee, glancing quickly at the sky. But this time, the Summoner Lady didn't say anything. She merely smiled as she watched Caster and Melee begin to argue heatedly once again.

_You're so kind, Melee. I guess that's why I fell in love with you._

And so, the battle came to an end.

* * *

><p>The minions were waiting in the bush. The time was almost upon them.<p>

"Mill, sir. The report has just come in."

"What is our status?"

"Our comrades have successfuly resisted the spells. They have retreated from the frontlines and are on their way to join us."

"And the other minions?"

"They are in the midst of being apprehended. In a short time, the champions will be cut off from their support. Their communication has already been handled."

"Good," said Mill, rising from his kneeling position. "Then it's time for us to move."

"We also have a report from the jungle scouts. We've discovered who the two rogue minions are."

"Who are they?"

"They're named Melee and Caster. They're minions from the Blue side."

"Melee...and Caster?"

For a moment, Mill's expression flickered. The scouting minion had only just glimpsed it, but the sight of it plunged him into cold water.

"...Is there something wrong, sir?"

"No...it's nothing." The minion started to confirm Mill's answer, but the chill froze his tongue. He nodded weakly and then retreated to his position. Mill stared blankly outside the grass, then shook his head.

"The time has come, my comrades. Today is the day that all that we have worked for finally comes to fruit." He turned so that one, glowing eye pierced into his men. "Grasp our future with your own hands."

"MINION! MINION! MINION!"

Mill pulled his hood over his head and drew his lance.

"Let's begin."

* * *

><p>Kassadin was agitated. He could no longer hear his teammates. Yi had yet to return from the jungle. The last words that he had heard had been from Sona Buvelle.<p>

_Ashe, the minons are gone!_

He did not understand what that meant. His minions were still flowing in, as eagerly as ever. They were still battling, opening opportunities for him to fire a Null Sphere at the annoying demonchild.

But it was the lack of communication that worried him the most. He had never heard of the mental link between him and his teammates being silenced like this.

_What is the meaning of this...?_

"Grr...Just you wait until Tibbers comes!" shouted Annie, her clothes torn up and her skin spotted with bruises. Kassadin let out a metallic laugh and silenced her with another Null Sphere. _No matter. I simply have to win my lane. If need be, I will win this battle on my own._

"Khhhh! TAKE THIS!" roared Annie, blasting a fireball in retaliation. But it was a mistake; her anger had kept her from realizing that her stun charges had not filled. This was the chance that Kassadin had been preparing for.

_It's time._

With a roar of his own, Kassadin took the blow, the flames breaking against him and scattering into the wind. Annie panicked, activating her shield and blasting Kassadin with a cone of flames. Her stun charged, she raced to fire another fireball when her voice was silenced by a Null Sphere. Annie reeled backwards and tripped, her eyes wide as the Void Walker towered over her.

His health was low. But it was a necessary sacrifice. With his Nether Blade and the fully charged Force Pulse wave, Kassadin knew that he could kill Annie. He charged his blade and lunged forward. Annie cried out as the blade pierced through her small body. She fell against the ground, struggling to cast a spell; however, she could not muster any strength. She could only watch as she was hit with the Force Pulse, washing her in black, smothering her breath, and chilling her soul—

Suddenly, Kassadin cried out in pain. Something had pierced into his back. A purple lance was extended through his chest.

"This is..." Blood burst from Kassadin's mouth as his body was suddenly pinned down by more lances. His head barely above the ground, he saw the demonchild forced to the ground by spiked hammers and shields. Rippling cloth danced in his view, blue and purple swirling together like a cyclone.

_This...can't be._

_Minions?_

"Capture the others! The spell is still working on them!" shouted Mill, grinding Kassadin's face into the ground with his foot. He reached into his robe and pulled out a golden skull ring alight with blue flames.

_That's—!_

"Do not worry, champion. Your safety is guaranteed. For now." Mill blasted him with a surge of power from Zhonya's Ring, freezing him into Stasis. He aimed at the struggling Annie and blasted her too. Immediately, the purple and blue minions swarmed over the petrified champions.

The time it took to empty the middle lane was thirty seconds.

* * *

><p>"Kassadin! Frost Archer! Yi!"<p>

There was no response. Irelia slowly brushed her hair away from her eyes. Something was wrong with this battle. These things had never happened before. Who was behind it all?

"Yeah, if you just take off your top then Rammus will come back."

'R-really?" said Katarina, shivering uncontrollably.

"Yeah, definitely," said the Caster duo simultaneously. _Score. Big time._

"Kiss each other," said Irelia flatly. Instantly, the two minions began screaming in agony.

"FUCK YOUAAAMMMFFFFHH!"

"MMFFHFHFHHFH!"

When Irelia finally allowed them to part, the two minions began clawing dirt into their mouth.

"FUCKING KILL THAT BITCH, BLEGH!"

"Holy fucking PC's farts, don't you brush your damn teeth?"

"Are you fucking serious, right now? You're bitching about that!?"

"What else would I bitch about, shitbreath?"

"You know, you've been being a fucking dick lately and it's pissing me off."

"Yeah? Could say the same about you. Maybe it's time we settle this once and for all."

"Ptooey! You never beat me before. Why would things change now?"

"Progress, baby. Progress," said the caster minion, rolling up his sleeves.

"As much progress as GD makes, right?" said the other minion, wiping his mouth.

"Touche. But that's not going to save you."

"BRING IT, MINIPRICK."

"COME AT ME, HOE!"

"Irelliiaaa!" cried Katarina, hugging the Ionian warrior.

"For Runeterra's sake...these minions," murmured Irelia. The caster duo began punching each other and rolled out of the bush. Irelia walked over and grabbed them both by the hoods. "Control yourselves!"

"TAKE YOUR TOP OFF, KATARINA!"

Katarina screamed and hid behind Irelia again.

"Katarina, would you please get off me?"

"M-My name is Kat..."

Irelia grinded her teeth. This was getting ridiculous. Just what could have happened to have reduced the terror of Noxia into this...this fluffy bunny?

"For the final time, Katarina, get a hold of yourself—"

A tinkle of metal. Irelia froze as she realized that her Ionian blade had hit something. She started to turn, but stopped as the tip of a sharp lance touched her neck.

"I suggest you stay the fuck still."

Irelia's eyes focused on the edge of her vision.

Minions. Dozens of them.

"Hey guys...what the fuck are you doing?"

She heard the Caster duo swearing to her right. There was a violent swishing sound, then both minions became quiet.

_What in the world is going on?_

"I-Irelia...minions..." whimpered Katarina, sinking to her knees. Her whole body was trembling, as if she was a newborn child. "D-Don't kill me...I d- I didn't do anything."

"Stand down, minions!" barked Irelia. The minion holding the lance at her neck laughed. He jammed the butt of the lance into Irelia's stomach, knocking the wind out of her.

"Shut your mouth. We don't take orders from you anymore," said the minion. The brand on his hand, a straight line with a half-circle on the left and a unclosed half-circle on the right, was shining bright purple.

_The spell isn't working on them._

It was these minions. No doubt they were behind the strange goings in today's battle. Irelia's blades began gathering around her hand.

"Hey, I told you to stay stil-"

In the blink of an eye, Irelia rushed forward, her blade slashing through the minion and sending him flying. She flourished her blades and pointed them threateningly at the other minions.

"Stand down," repeated Irelia. The blades glinted dangerously before her. The minions looked at each other before bursting into mocking laughter.

"Stand down, she says."

"Dumb bitch still doesn't get the situation."

"I guess you're fucking deaf, hm? We don't listen to you anymore."

Irelia's eyes widened. _How did he..._?

The minion she had struck was unharmed. A yellow shield surrounded him, flickering briefly before vanishing. Irelia couldn't believe her eyes. _Was that Barrier!?_

"Surprised? You haven't seen anything yet," said the minion, smirking. He flicked his hand at a nearby Siege minion. The minion glowed red, then exploded in size, dwarfing the champion easily. The Siege minion grinned, then pointed its cannon at Irelia.

Irelia couldn't move. She couldn't defend.

The minons had stolen her blades.

"Ir-Irelia!" cried Katarina, just as another group of minions forced her to the ground.

_How...?_

_How can these minions use Summoner Spells?_

The Siege minion wheeled over to Irelia, its smile growing wider and wider, until the edge of its lips reached its cheeks. The mouth of the cannon touched Irelia's chest. The scent of gunpowder overwhelmed her nostrils.

"See ya, bitch."

Before the Siege minion fired, a blue blur hit him from the side. A crescent moon appeared over the Siege minion's head.

"That's..."

The Siege minion didn't finish his sentence. A bundle of gray rags zoomed in, blasting the Siege minion off its wheels with a massive kick. The other minions watched open-mouthed as the giant Siege minion flew over their heads and smashed into the wall.

"TP, you're too slow!"

"Pardon me, but I like to take my time." The tall ex-Purple minion walked calmly into the group of purple and blue minions that were surrounding Irelia. "Oh dear. Am I too late?"

Weapons were brandished. With a unified cry, the group of minions converged on their new target.

"Ah, good. I'm still punctual then."

There was a deafening boom as TP thrust his fist down, splintering the ground with such force that the minions attacking him were lifted into the air. Lances and hammers clattered loudly as the minions fell onto the ground, their bones shattered and their health dwindling.

Irelia could barely breathe. The tall stick-like figure began toeing over the fallen minions and approached her.

"Hello there! It's a pleasure to meet you at last! Irelia, yes? Can't say I'm a fan, but it is an honor to meet a champion. Very good for the publicity, you know?"

"Who...who are you?" asked Irelia.

"Ah, where are my manners? Yes, of course, introductions must be made. Ahem," TP waved his arm and bowed deeply. "TP at your service. And, the little rascal over there..."

The minion with gray rags lifted his head and pulled away his hood. His eyes were covered by a bright red strip of cloth.

"My name is Leeson."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **_

_So, Minions return with a blistering pace for the new chapter. I was actually planning on doing this in two chapters, but it's been quite a while and I think some quick plot progression is called for. Though I said new chapters would be coming out before, I ended up taking a long time off. Things have started wrapping up in terms of my schedule, but it's going to get busy again in the next week or so. I guess you could say right now is the eye of the storm in my case. I'll see how much I can get out before I hit the winds though.  
><em>

_For those dedicated readers (bringing a tear to my eye), I have to apologize if there are errors popping up again. It's been a while since I reread the story for smaller details, so I may have to refresh myself (although I think I kept things consistent in this chapter at least). One thing that you might have seen mentioned is the retconning of hammers for blue minions-I totally thought they used lances. _


	20. Top Lane

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>Ashe had rarely killed the Ancient Golem. It wasn't like she needed the blue buff. It was better suited for the AP carry, or the support if necessary. Or perhaps, even the jungler.<p>

But it didn't mean that Ashe didn't like the blue buff. It did wonders for her Volley-spamming tactics.

And it wasn't like she hated the Ancient Golem either. She never killed the Golem out of spite or anger; it was simply for necessity. The EXP. The gold. The buff.

Because of that, she had never really given much consideration to her relationship with the Ancient Golem. Even if she had, she would have probably thought they were square; the Ancient Golem gave her a blue buff and she helped him in finishing his duty of dying and giving up the buff.

One-sided as it was, that was how the jungle worked. That was the Ancient Golem's purpose.

So the possibility had never occurred to her. Even if it had, she had never given it weight. Because there was no reason for it to happen.

That was why, as the ground trembled violently under her feet, as her ears were assaulted by a roar that combed back the bushes until their blades snapped and splattered against the lane wall-

Ashe could only stand still. She could only watch with her breath held, her grip slackened, and the strength leaving her legs.

It was massive, dwarfed only by the Baron Nashor. The stains of moss and mold had sprouted into thick brushes and trailing vines. Like a ragged mane, they hung over a single, glowing blue eye that emanated such power and ferocity that Ashe couldn't bear to look at it directly. As it emerged from the river bush, each of its slow, but fearsome steps created a tremor that made the shallow water splash violently, as if there were explosions occurring just under the surface.

The ring of blazing blue surrounding it confirmed that this monstrosity could only be the Ancient Golem.

_But how?_

That was one of the million questions going through Ashe's mind. _How did it grow so massive? How did it break free from the jungle bindings?_

_How am I supposed to get away?_

Ashe's body would not listen. It was frozen stiff, as if it had been struck by her own Crystal Arrow. The Ancient Golem loomed over her, a low growl humming from its center. As its shadow completely engulfed Ashe's body, cold despair rippled through the Queen of Freljord. Colder than Avarosa's spirit, colder than the frost of her homeland; a chill that she had only felt twice in her life.

The Ancient Golem raised its massive hand, the void left behind by its movement sucking in gusts of air. Ashe's hair flung forward, obscuring her vision, giving her a moment's peace before death finally came to meet her-

"We're not finished yet, Frost Archer!"

An ear-splitting crack, then a moaning bellow; the Ancient Golem's hand crashed into the ground a foot away from Ashe's feet. A large crossbow bolt came spinning from the air, its tip snapped off from the impact against the golem's arm. Thrown like a spear, the Condemn bolt hadn't been strong enough to pierce the golem's hand, but it had been enough to redirect its direction slightly.

"Move!" shouted Vayne, her voice piercing through the fog in Ashe's mind. Her legs scrambled by instinct and she crawled up to her feet, dashing forward as the golem's hand came up again, debris showering down from its fingertips.

"GWAAHHH!"

Ashe twisted back around at the booming sound of the golem's hand being stopped. Steam flared from nostrils and muscles bulged as the purple bull loosed another roar.

"Alistar!" said Vayne.

"Go!" said Alistar, his feet grinding into the dirt. "I will hold him off!"

Alistar reared his head back and released his loudest roar yet, pushing Ashe and Vayne back slightly through sheer will. As Alistar's Unbreakable Will filled his body, the bull tightened his hold on the golem's hand. The ground beneath him cracked as his lower body pushed against it, his muscles hardening and forcing every last speck of strength into holding back the Ancient Golem.

"Ashe!"

PC and Primey were waving at them as they ran towards the turret. Ashe nodded and began to move when-

The Ancient Golem bellowed again. Its hand easily lifted Alistar into the air, then swatted him aside. The bull smashed into the wall, instantly dying upon impact.

"ALISTAR!" shouted Vayne. Ashe couldn't believe it. Unbreakable Will didn't just grant Alistar extra attack damage, it also reduced all damage taken by 50%! But the golem had finished him in one blow.

_Just what is that monster!?_

The Ancient Golem swung its hand. The speed was so quick that Ashe could barely dive to the ground in time. But even then, the force of the swing lifted Ashe upwards, throwing her into the air for several feet. She fell on her chest, all of her breath leaving her on impact.

"What is that monstrosity?" said Vayne, struggling to rise from her own fall. Ashe saw her hand clamp down around her ribs.

"It's the Ancient Golem," said Ashe through forced breaths.

"The Ancient Golem!?"

"Yes. I don't know how it became like this, but we can't defeat it in our current state," said Ashe. She raised her bow and fired a Volley. The arrows plunked off the golem's body, barely freezing the foliage.

"Give it up, Frost Archer. It seems our lives end here," said Vayne with a thin smile. Her leg was still frozen from the earlier battle. Her ribs had surely been broken. Even if she was to get out of this alive, she would be able to do nothing.

Death was logical.

Death was a fresh start.

But, Ashe could not accept that.

"Are you not worried because we will simply be revived?" said Ashe, loosing more arrows. "Don't be foolish, Vayne. A life is a life. Even if you are guaranteed to come back from the death, there is no reason why you shouldn't value your life as it is now!"

"There is nothing we can do. You said so yourself."

Ashe reached back and grabbed Vayne by her collar. "And what of it! Minions fight nail to tooth. We ourselves fight to the bitter end! And why is that? Because once you die, you have no chance to change what happens afterwards!"

The Ancient Golem stepped towards the two champions. Its movement buffeted winds against their backs, blasting their bodies with rocks and dirt. Even with a face streaked with blood and dirt, even as the air clouded with dust, Ashe's eyes continued to glow a brilliant blue.

"There's no reason to give up if you'll die either way. At the very least, don't look forward to a meaningless death!"

The golem roared as it tumbled backwards, a sheet of ice and arrows shining underneath its feet. Ashe put out her hand to Vayne. Dust billowed behind her as the golem fell to the ground.

Vayne chuckled. She turned her head and saw Primey and PC still waving at them. "Is it those minions? Have they changed you?"

"Not changed. Reminded," said Ashe. "As you probably are."

"Indeed," said Vayne, her hair falling in strands across her face. Vayne reached up and grasped Ashe's hand. "To death then, Frost Archer!"

"No, Vayne," said Ashe. She pulled Vayne up and threw her across her back. "To life!"

The ground erupted into large shards. The Ancient Golem rose, its hands smashing through the ground in rage. With Vayne clinging to her, Ashe couldn't loose any arrows. She sprinted forward, her strength already sapping away as fatigue melted into her bones. The Ancient Golem roared, hurling rocks into the air as it chased them. Ashe leapt to the side as the rocks fell around her, scattering debris into her eyes. She blinked them away and ran harder, the tremors growing more and more violent as the golem came closer and closer-

"ASHE!"

A bolt of golden waves passed over Ashe's head. The Ancient Golem stumbled back, its feet dancing uncontrollably, forming a crater as it stamped in place.

"Hurry!" shouted Sona, flicking her nails across her _etwahl_. Ashe picked up speed, the Song of Celerity making her legs feel weightless. The golem roared wildly, still under the spell of Sona's Crescendo.

"Yes, we're almost there!" said Ashe. The turret was just ahead. If they got past the turret, even that monster would be hesitant to continue its chase.

"Run! Run!" Primey jumped up, screaming.

"GO!" roared PC.

"Go, Ashe!" shouted Vayne.

Ashe stopped just before the turret.

A lance was pointed at her throat.

"That's far enough."

They were surrounded by minions.

* * *

><p>"Now, lower the champion," said Cast, walking out from the crowd of minions. "And give yourself up. You've caused enough trouble for us with that last stunt, Queen of Freljord."<p>

Ashe dropped Vayne gently from her back. Two minions came forward and forced her to her knees. More minions came to apprehend Ashe and the others.

"Nevertheless, I'm impressed. That was a rousing speech," said Cast, tapping his wand against the palm of his hand. "As a minion, I felt the truth of your words. What is a life if not a life lived to its fullest?"

_So...he was behind it all._ Ashe narrowed her eyes. The minions surrounding them weren't the ones that had been in lane earlier. Rather, those minions were also being held as captives further away. _What is he trying to do?_

"Stop!" shouted Cast. From the vibrations under her feet, Ashe realized that the Ancient Golem had finally caught up to them. "You will have your turn."

"My body aches, Cast," rumbled the Ancient Golem. "This is not what you promised."

"Yes, I know. I intended to see if Promote would be enough to break your bonds, but it seems that you still need a little more strength," said Cast, rubbing his wand absentmindedly. "Very well. Which shall it be?"

"If they die, I cannot be free. Is that right?"

"Yes, so pick one you're not too particular about."

"Then, the soft one."

Cast motioned at the minions. They nodded and began swarming around Sona. The mute Maven looked helplessly at Ashe as the minions grabbed her and lifted her to the Ancient Golem.

_SONA!_

Wild cries came from the restrained minions. Ashe struggled against her bonds as Sona's wordless screams battered against her mind. Sona's hand flailed out, her eyes brimming with fear as her body was sucked into the Ancient Golem's crystal.

Ashe's outstretched hand fell limp with Sona's silent disappearance.

The Ancient Golem looked down at its hands with marvel. It barked short laughs as its body moved without restraint, the power in its swings even stronger than before.

"Yes! FREE! Free at last! "

"What have you done to Sona!" shouted Ashe, thrashing so violently that six minions had to hold onto her limbs.

"No harm has come to her. The Ancient Golem needs her alive to be free from his bonds," said Cast. He raised his wand and pointed it at Ashe's face, the tip bursting with energy. "However, _you_ are not needed."

Ashe met the wand with a cold glare. Cast smiled and lowered his wand.

"Strong-willed. As all champions are. Perhaps that is why we never fought back. Perhaps that is why we stagnated for all these years..."

"You...Are you starting a rebellion?" asked Ashe.

"Cast!"

Cast tapped the wand against his palm again and glanced back at PC. The large minion had a heated stare that was far more intense than Ashe's.

"Yes, I am. I am planning to destroy all of you," said Cast to Ashe. Then, he turned and put his attention to PC. "It has been a while, hasn't it PC?"

"Cast, you don't know what you're doing."

"I do. And it seems that you also know."

"Cast, stop this now!"

"Why should I? Isn't this your dream? Your _ideal_?" Cast gripped his wand. "Isn't this what we sought together?"

"Ah was foolish," said PC, hanging his head. "Ah didn't know what Ah was getting into."

"No, you knew. Don't tell me that you think you were wrong. For thousands of years, you contemplated it. For thousands of years, you searched for an answer! And this is it! This is everything you worked for, come to life!" said Cast, motioning at the army of minions surrounding them.

"Look at me!" said Cast. "Look at them! No longer do we speak that crude dialect. No longer do we have insatiable lust controlling our thoughts. We're not bound anymore. We're no longer mindless, soulless soldiers! Each one of us is enough to match any champion. We have even crossed the boundary that only you, you the first, ever succeeded in reaching."

Cast pointed his wand at a Siege minion. The minion glowed red, then burst into an enormous anti-turret cannon minion. A look of shock appeared on Ashe's face.

_A Summoner Spell!_

"Cast...you..." said PC, equally shocked at the sight.

"You're no longer alone, PC. Now, you have all of us to join you in your fight," said Cast. He held out his hand to the large minion. "Won't you join me and finish your vision?"

PC stared motionlessly at the hand. His fingers twitched underneath his captors' grips.

"PC!"

Primey fell to the ground, pulling the two minions holding onto him down with him. He forced his head up even as the minions tried to push him back down.

"PC, you fucking son of a bitch. Don't you dare even think about joining that motherfucker!" shouted Primey. "I don't know how you know him and I don't fucking care. But this isn't fucking right, PC! What they're doing isn't fucking right!"

"What do you know!" shouted one of the minions, cracking his lance against Primey's head.

"Primey!" cried PC.

"Stop!" said Cast. He ripped the lance from the minion's hand and tossed it aside. "Let him go. Allow him to speak freely. Do not forget that we are different now."

The minion bowed his head and obeyed. Primey panted as the minions backed away, giving him space.

"Prime Minister, was it?" said Cast.

"Who the fuck are you?" said Primey, staring up at Cast with burning eyes. "How the fuck do you know who I am?"

"Coincidence. As you were with PC, you naturally came into my surveillance," said Cast.

Primey leapt up and grabbed Cast by the robes. The minions jerked at his movement, but Cast settled them down with a hand.

"I don't know who you are or how you're related to PC," said Primey, their faces just inches from each other. "But that son of a bitch isn't going to listen to you."

"Why is that?" said Cast. "Because of Sona?"

Primey smirked. "I don't know what you think PC's dream is, but I know it isn't this. I know that stupid fatass wouldn't do anything that means he has to kill fucking champions. He wouldn't do something that traps his fellow minions like that. And I know that he wouldn't do anything as stupid as a fucking rebellion."

"I see. Very well then. How about you?"

"What?" said Primey, taken aback.

"I think we would agree. I am your predecessor, after all," said Cast.

_Predecessor?_

"What the fuck are you talking abou-"

"Your language is rough," said Cast, brushing away Primey's hand. "I see that you're still just a minion. Perhaps you need to be _enlightened_ first."

"CAST!" roared PC, forcing another ten minions to hold him back.

"What...what the fuck are you talking about?" said Primey, taking a step back.

"You don't know?" said Cast, cocking his head. "What PC is? What his name even means?"

_What his name means-?_

"We are all PC," said Cast, spreading his arm out at the minions. "Minions that have evolved into something greater. Extraordinary minions that will change everything from here on."

"We are Prodigy Catalysts."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_Plot-heavy chapter this week. We'll see if I can pull off another one sooner than later. Some discrepancies that people might be wondering about (I doubt it, but maybe someone is). How did Alistar and Sona get to level 6 before Vayne and Ashe when they were out of lane longer? I want to say something like for the plot's sake. But, let's go with something more rational like EXP masteries. Yeah, I think that works. Maybe._

_More will be explained on what Prodigy Catalysts are in the upcoming chapters. This aspect is where I start diverging from lore and gameplay and bring in some original content. I don't know how you guys will react to that, but most things I've used in this story have some basis in League of Legends canon in some form, although perhaps not as detailed or rigidly as other stories. There's a lot of ambiguity in lore when looking at non-champion entries and so far, I've used that freedom pretty liberally. However, I'm actually not well-versed in the lore itself so there may come a point in all this speculative content that there are some things that just don't fit. _

_I hope you look forward to that._


	21. A Damn Lie

On the edges of Summoner's Rift, there existed only trees and buildings. Those buildings around the bases were reserved as minion barracks, but the rest had been abandoned over time as server space increased and more minions were able to pile into a single barrack.

At least, that was what PC had said.

Either way, because these buildings were off the map and could not be entered during battle, it was a perfect place for TP to settle down in. Not that he hated PC or anything, but he couldn't bear to hear any more of that fool's ridiculous plans. Their last argument had been a good place to say their goodbyes; after all, having two Prodigy Catalysts as old as they were in one place was just troublesome.

And so, for a while, TP lived peacefully in one of the abandoned barracks, specifically the little hut sandwiched in the middle of the top lane's walls. TP had picked that spot in order to watch top laners through his windows; even though he was no longer a minion, he liked being updated with changes in the meta. Not to mention it was excellent reference for his training.

So, it came as a bit of a surprise when TP saw someone approach his hut as he was training.

"Oh well, a guest! I can't say that I've ever had one, but I suppose there's a first for everything."

He wasn't sure if he was a minion or some other denizen of the Rift, but he looked surprisingly like Leesin. TP wasn't able to put his finger on it at first, but then he realized it was because of the red headband covering his eyes.

"Well, I suppose we should start with introductions. My name is TP, or if you wish, you can also call me Traveling Priest. That's my former title, but I'm much more fond of TP. And you are? Oh, if you'll excuse me a minute, I'll go grab some tea and chairs so we can chat comfortably, I'm sure you don't want to just stand there, you look quite worn out."

'My name is Melee," said the Leesin look-alike.

"Just a first name?" said TP from inside the hut as he prepared some tea."Well, not that you need a last name. It may come as a surprise to you, but Priest is actually not my last name, it's part of the first, so it's just Traveling Priest, not Traveling and Priest. I used to be a minion, you know. Well, if you don't know, don't mind me rambling, but us minions usually don't have last names. I'm not exactly sure why, but I suppose there's a reason for it.

"I'm from outside."

"Ah...well," said TP, his hands coming to a halt. "So you're not from around here. Very, _very_ interesting. What have you come here for? Sightseeing? If that's the case, let me take you over to my window here, I think a battle will be starting in a couple of minutes. It'll be a tad boring at first, but if we're lucky, we might see a level one gank. Now wouldn't that be delightful-"

"I'm hungry," said Melee. TP offered a small smile and put the tray of tea down.

"I see. Well now, we can't have that. I'm quite taken to this hut now, it's been with me for around eight hundred years. Ah, that's minion years, I'm not exactly sure how time works for outsiders."

"Then I'll eat you too," said Melee, baring his teeth.

TP chuckled. "I see that you look like Leesin. Is that to blend in with the environment? Very impressive, I never thought such a simple trick could disguise you so well. However..."

TP kicked out, blasting a sonic wave at Melee. Melee glanced up at the crescent moon hovering over his head.

"I don't think you can fight like Leesin," said TP. Melee didn't even have the time to react. Turning into a blur, TP flew and smashed his foot into Melee's face. Then, with such speed that Melee couldn't even reel back in pain, TP pounded the ground with his fist, buffeting the look-alike with a massive shockwave. Then, he jumped into the air and sent Melee careening into the ground with a powerful roundhouse kick.

"Ah...looks like I overdid it," said TP as dust billowed out in clouds from the massive crater he had just made. "Are you alright in there?"

A hand popped out and grasped the lip of the crater. Melee crawled out, his torn red headband falling away from his eyes.

"...Where am I?"

* * *

><p><strong>Those Minions<strong>

* * *

><p>Ashe had always been a champion. As far as she could remember, she had been fighting in the Fields of Justice.<p>

But it didn't mean that she only knew how to fight. She had been crowned Queen of Freljord and her Avarosan faction continually worked to one day bring Freljord underneath a single alliance.

A powerful warrior and a growing political figure in Valoran. That was Ashe, the Frost Archer.

Descendant of Avarosa. Queen of Freljord. Frost Archer.

"Prodigy...Catalysts?"

Unfamiliar words. Confusion showed on the faces of Primey and the others. Ashe's eyes drifted to PC.

_No...not confusion._

A fevered despair. It was only PC that showed such a reaction.

"The title was coined by PC," said Cast, tapping his wand against his palm. "Appropriately. He was the first of us, after all."

"What do you mean first of us? What the fuck is a Prodigy Catalyst?" said Primey.

"A model that we should all follow," said Cast, his eyes lingering on PC. "As the first, won't you do us the honor, PC?"

PC hung his head in silence. Cast sighed and lowered his wand. He started to speak, when-

"Champions..." growled the Ancient Golem. He stepped forward, the ground shaking with each step, and reached out for Ashe.

"Control yourself!" shouted Cast. The Ancient Golem froze, its massive fingers just inches from Ashe's face.

"Cast...you promised..."

"I did. However, now is not the time. At the very least, we should allow them the courtesy of knowing what went wrong," said Cast, glancing at Vayne. "To the ignorant, all of this must be startling."

"Explain then," said Vayne.

Cast chuckled. "Are you hoping for a weakness? That if you understand what we are, you can better hunt us down? True, it is to your benefit if you know what we are and how we became. Perhaps then, you will understand that there is no escape for you."

"Cast...don't do this. You don't know the truth!" said PC.

"I _do_ know. And if you aren't willing to speak about it, then I prefer your silence," said Cast. Several more minions clambered onto PC, forcing his head to the ground. The rest of his words were muffled by the dirt.

"I suppose it makes sense then," continued Cast. "You are my successor, yet you don't know a thing. PC has made a foolish mistake."

"What the fuck are you talking about! Why don't you stop saying bullshit and start answering some questions!" shouted Primey.

"You_ are_ my successor," said Cast. "PC's confidant. His right-hand. However you may wish to put it. In the past, it was I who held his trust. And before that, another. And now, it is you."

"Don't compare me to you, asshole," said Primey.

"Indeed. You are still just a minion," said Cast. "Once you become one of us, perhaps things will be more clear."

"And what exactly is that?" said Ashe weakly. Her face was pale and her body was shivering. _What is this? What's wrong with me?_

"Well," said Cast, glancing once more at PC. "I had truly hoped that he would come to his senses. However, it seems some cannot let go of their pasts. No matter how much they are forgiven."

PC continued to remain silent.

"Very well, PC. I shall tell them in your place," said Cast. He motioned at the minions and they released Ashe and the others. "I will trust you to do nothing more than listen. A story such as this should be heard in comfort."

Primey tightened his hold on his lance, steeling himself to jump in and get one good strike on this smug son of a bitch when-

"Calm yourself, minion," said Ashe, resting a hand on his shoulder. "It's best if we hear what he says."

"You want to find a weakness? I don't give a shit about that. I'll just pummel his face in and make sure he never opens that fucking loose pussy of a mouth-"

"Prime Minister. I know that you have doubts. But you must accept your friend's past before making any judgments," said Ashe, her eyes softening.

"That's not...that's..." mumbled Primey, shaking slightly.

"You must listen," said Ashe. "This is the time where PC needs you the most."

Primey didn't reply. He slackened his grip, then slowly lowered himself to the ground.

"Be seated," said Cast to the army of minions. As they began taking their seats on the dirt, Cast sat in the center of the ring and set down his wand.

"Then, let us begin."

* * *

><p>What if you were told that a minion could read?<p>

What if you were told that a minion could write?

That at this very moment, you were reading exactly what a minion had written.

Not the chickenscratch of minion letters.

The writings of champions.

Your first reaction may be, that's not possible. It's preposterous.

Or perhaps, now what idiot would believe in this obvious prank?

"Minions don't read or write.

They can only fight."

A couplet that has echoed through the rankings recently. If you ask a minion where they heard this from, they would not know. They would not remember.

Because that is the way minions are. We are bound. Trapped.

In the first place, it's impossible to ask a minion something. Minions are mindless, soulless soldiers. We were created, not born. Artificial, not alive.

It is fine if we are killed. There is no reason for us not to be. It is our duty.

Our meaning of existence.

But you say, it's not "our." It's not "we." Because, surely you aren't a minion. You can't be.

But I am. A minion that has found the truth. A minion that is unbound and free from illusions and enchantments.

I am PC.

* * *

><p><em>Prodigy Catalyst.<em>

That is what we are. The sparks that create exceptional beings. We were given a gift and it is our privilege to enlighten those without it.

Through our experiments, we learned how we came to be. A normal minion is bound by layers and layers of spellwork. It resets their memories and their personalities, turning them into static creatures. Mindless and soulless only because they lack permanence.

It is excellent spellwork to have withstood the battering blows of time. But even the best spellwork can't cover all the holes.

That is how we changed.

Once a minion dies, he respawns with the spellwork active. Respawning essentially recreates our physical forms, then rebinds the spellwork onto us.

It is generally a foolproof method. No doubt they were careful in creating this piece of spellwork.

But, for us, there was an anomaly.

Our physical form was recreated like usual. The spells were bound onto us like usual.

But there was a slight difference in our physical constitution. So slight, that at first, it was imperceptible. There was an area where the spellwork was weak. A molecule of resistance.

But with each recreation, the collection of molecules grew. The spells grew weaker against our bodies.

Resilient to these chains and bonds. A special armor that was crafted through sheer luck and time.

Until, suddenly, we realized that we were minions. We realized that we were being recreated when we died, that our memories had been reset, that we had never been fully conscious of ourselves until that moment.

Enlightened.

I was first. He was second.

And we realized that there could be more.

* * *

><p>This world is unfair.<p>

Champions. Minions.

Our pain and suffering. It's forgotten as easily as dust in the wind.

We come back, unfazed, untouched.

Our flesh can be burned from fire. Heads decapitated by daggers. Bodies torn apart by claws.

Forgotten. Repaired.

Reborn.

At first, it felt wrong. It wasn't right. We suffer for the champions' battles. What reason is there for us to fight? For what reason do we exist?

To be fodder?

To be nothing but disposable time-wasters?

What is a minion?

Questions that I couldn't have answered. That was why when he joined me, things changed. My thoughts no longer stagnated. They endured and fought for acceptance.

Creating truth.

We understood the situation. We knew what was going on. Every experience was remembered.

I hate it.

I am angry.

I am fucking pissed.

He said to me-

_What if champions were in our position?_

_What if it were someone else?_

_Would you still be angry?_

I told him-

Yes. Fucking yes.

_Then, what if you forgot?_

_What if you never remembered anything that was done to you?_

_The pain and suffering-_

_Never happened._

That doesn't matter-

We KNOW.

WE REMEMBER NOW.

_That's right._

_We remember now._

_That's why, if you can't accept what we've been-_

Just die. And be reborn.

Perhaps that was the one thing that had changed from our time as minions. We were afraid to die. A minion will fight because he is ordered to. He will not know the fear of death.

Not acutely.

Never will he realize how much of a threat it is.

That was the theory. And even if someone realized it, it'd be quickly wiped out.

But we remembered it. The cold darkness engulfing us. Swallowing our breaths. Our senses vanishing one by one.

Numbing pain.

Searing ice.

Blinding light.

Did champions feel this fear? Did they understand death as we did? Was that why we were to die for them?

If that was the case, it was understandable.

It was preferable perhaps. If I was in their situation, I would have done the same thing.

That was why I hated them.

Because even when we remembered-

We could not be like them.

* * *

><p>They were given the privileges.<p>

For peaceful conclusions-

For stability-

For the greater good.

They could fight with powers beyond ours. They could return and heal. They could escape from this battlefield.

Why were we enslaved?

What was the difference between us?

Why should they control us?

It is us who suffer. It is us who fight. It us who have had greater stakes in these battles!

Why should we bow down to them?

Why should we...?

He wanted to become a champion. Perhaps then, things could be settled. Perhaps then, we would be heard.

But that was wrong.

They wouldn't listen.

Why would they bother with a minion?

Even with us? PCs?

I told him so. But he disagreed. I told him-

That we only had one choice.

If we were going to exist in this world-

This world where one rules and the other suffers-

Then let us rule.

Let us-

Be the ones that are at the top.

We were dealt the wrong hand by sheer coincidence.

Why not turn it around?

What's stopping us?

* * *

><p>He said no. He said this was wrong. I said to him-<p>

What's wrong with setting our people free?

Is it not more wrong for us to let things go on as they are?

Do we not have an obligation-

A duty-

To protect those that need it?

They're ignorant of their pain. But, it doesn't change the fact that they suffer.

Rid them of this endless cycle.

_Listen to me._

Is it fine then? To just leave them? You are talking of abandoning our people, our _comrades_-

_It's better if we left them alone then take them through this route-_

This route is the only way to their salvation.

We bring them out.

Then, we work together.

And we break this unfair world.

Yes, they suffer. To bring about that armor of resistance, we must kill them. Again and again.

But then-

They'll be free of suffering. Forever.

Isn't that the better choice? Shouldn't we at least bring them to the point where they can make their own decisions?

* * *

><p>Champions.<p>

Are not fit.

To rule us.

We have endured far more.

We _deserve_ this!

_We are owed this!_

* * *

><p>"And I..." said Cast, his eyes opening. "...will bring my people to life. And that is how we have come to be. Do we have any questions?"<p>

The army of minions cheered at the story. Primey and the others sat still, their faces blank and pale.

"Our time has come!" yelled one of the minions, standing to his feet. "No more oppress! No more oppress!"

"It's over for you champions," said a minion next to Ashe. "The truth has been revealed to us."

"The truth...?" whispered Ashe.

"That we are no more than dogs in your playground," said the minion with a sneer. "Isn't that right, champion?"

"That's not...I never..."

"Don't talk to them, Ice Bitch," said Primey, his eyes hard. "They don't know what they're talking about. It's just a line of bullshit."

"Are you saying I've lied?" asked Cast.

"Maybe you guys are Prodigy Catalysts or whatever. Maybe we do suffer more than champions. Maybe we got shafted. I don't know. I don't anything about that. But I do know one thing. That even if we were just damn drops of shit to these guys, PC would never say something like that."

_Be proud of who you are. Of what you are. Be proud that you're the only reason these champions seem so magnificent. _

_Don't forget the pride of a minion, Primey._

"He wouldn't turn what we've done, what we've gone through, into bullshit like you are!" shouted Primey. "We're _owed_ this? We should be at the top? Sure...damn right. That's damn fucking right. But who said that's what we want? Who said that it's better at the top? If we're not doing our jobs, then who the fuck will!?"

Primey got to his feet. The minions around him rose up, making a wall around him.

"Don't try and say what we are is just bad luck. We fight. We endure. Spells or no spells, we're minions. You guys are no minions. You're just assholes, playing your little victim game."

"Is that so?" said Cast with a small smile. "Then why don't you ask him? Am I lying, PC?"

"Shut up, fatass!" roared Primey, putting out his hand. "You don't have to answer. You don't have to say anything to this shit. I don't care what he said or what you said. I know who you are. You're just an annoying, nosy, fat fuck! And that's all I need to know."

PC raised his head.

"Thank you, Primey," said PC after a moment, his voice low and faint. "That's...more than Ah ever deserved from you."

"I said shut up, didn't I you lousy son of a bit-"

"But he's telling the truth, Primey," said PC. "Those were my words. My thoughts."

"Then...from before. Was that the lie?" said Ashe.

"...No. Ah've changed," said PC, looking at Cast. "Ah said those things and Ah did those things, but Ah was wrong."

"No, you weren't, PC" said Cast. "Everything you did was for the greate-"

"It wasn't. None of it was. Ah told you, Cast. You don't know the truth. You don't know what this world truly is."

"Do you mean your last entry in the Morellonomicon?" said Cast. PC's eyes widened in shock. "Yes, that's right. I read it. It was written completely in champion scripts, but I understood it."

"Cast...you-"

"It doesn't change a thing, PC. I know what you saw must have greatly affected you, but you need to clear your mind. There is no difference. Your way is still correct."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" said Primey. Once again, Ashe felt her body tremble. Fear. Nauseating fear. It was overflowing through her.

_No...Why...?_

A fear that was ingrained into her body. Hidden, locked away-

A fact that she had forgotten-

That had been reset from her memory-

_Don't say it._

_DON'T-_

"Cast...even knowing..you still think this is right!?" shouted PC, angrier than he had ever been.

"Yes, I do! I believe in you, even if you have lost faith in yourself!" said Cast, spit flying from his mouth. "You were never wrong! You wanted what was best for us. Even...even if _champions_ are the same as _us_, it makes no difference. The world is still unfair. We're all trapped in this place. Manipulated for amusement."

"Damn it, what are you talking about you son of a bitc-"

"DON'T!" screamed Ashe, clamping her ears shut. "DON'T SAY IT!"

"If we must live in a world like this, then isn't it the better choice? If you must live in an unfair world, then_ live at the top_," said Cast.

"Cast...they're not our enemies."

"No. Not yet. But they will be. They will know how we've suffered. And I will do what you couldn't. I will _protect_ my people. I will BRING. THEM. LIFE!"

"EXPLAIN, YOU BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU RAMBLING ABOUT!" roared Primey.

"The truth!" said Cast, his eyes wild and a menacing grin on his face. "Your Frost Archer knows. It's in her blood. It's in her soul."

_DON'T SAY IT!  
><em>

_"_How does it feel, Frost Archer? Knowing that you're just a puppet in a game called 'League of Legends?'"

_That everything you knew-_

_Everything I knew-_

_Was a goddamn-_

_damned-_

**Lie.**

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN:_ **_A bit confusing, I'm sure. But don't worry, the details will be explored and clarified later. There was a lot to put in this chapter, so if it feels like you got slapped for no reason, don't worry. There's more coming._


	22. Imposters

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p><em>~Blue Golem Camp, Blue side.~<em>

"Hey, Ancient Golem. Tell me why TP's got a stick up his ass."

"Isn't it because you're talking like that? Kid, what do you think you are, a minion?"

Melee was visiting the Ancient Golem camp for his weekly visit. TP had said that the Ancient Golem was planning on retiring and needed some help making preparations. Of course, he had been preparing for the past five months without any signs of actually letting go of his position.

"Yeah? You think I sound like one?" said Melee, his voice high with anticipation.

"Sound like one? Keh! You're a spitting image already. Kids these days, fickle as they come! One day, you want to be Lee Sin, the next day, you want to be a minion. KAH!"

The Ancient Golem spat at the ground, but because of its short neck, the loogie plopped on top of a Young Lizard.

"GAAHH! GYAAHHHH!"

"Ah, quiet down. Not like it's the first time."

"Dude, that is so gross."

"The sacrifice you make growing old. Your turn will come, Melee," said the Ancient Golem, rasping loudly as he cocked another load into his mouth.

"It's just..." said Melee, kicking at the ground. "I'm sick of staying in the background all the time. All I do every day is train, do some chores, and go to sleep."

"Doesn't sound too bad. All I do is stand here and wait to die."

"At least you're doing something...what am I doing? Just living day in and day out without even knowing who I am..."

Melee sat down on the ground and hung his head. The Ancient Golem glanced down at him with a weary eye.

"You're still going on about that?"

"Is it annoying?" said Melee with a bite in his voice.

"Keh. Of course it is, you brat. Hearing you moan everytime you come here, are you trying to make my life as miserable as yours?" said the Ancient Golem.

"Yeah, shut up, you punk! God, I get spat on all day and you try and bitch about your cushy life? HA! Why don't you switch with me? Let's see how much you cry then, pussy little bit-"

Another glob of spit plopped onto the Young Lizard's head.

"GAAAHHH!"

"I feel pathetic," continued Melee without giving heed to the jungle monsters. "TP always says that I'll be ready for great things, but...how can you be great if you don't even know what you are right now?"

"God, spare me."

"GOD, IT'S DRIPPING INTO MY EARS!"

"I've been thinking about it lately. At first, I thought being a champion would be the best. I mean, you get to kill people for money and get all the fame and honor when you finish the battle. But..." said Melee, rubbing the back of his head. "It's weird. I don't know why, but whenever I look at champions...it feels like they're trapped. Like, they don't really have control over what they're doing."

"And minions do?" said the Ancient Golem with a chuckle.

"What do you mean? Of course they do. I mean, look at TP. He's an ex-minion."

"Ah...right," said the Ancient Golem, clearing his throat. "But something's wrong with your thinking, kid. If you're worried about who you'll be in the future, then becoming a minion isn't even close to being the right way. You said it yourself, those champions get all the fame and honor. They have a _name_. But minions...no one will ever know who a minion was."

"I know. And that's perfect," said Melee. "A nobody like me, who doesn't have a clue about what he wants to do, who doesn't know who he even is...becoming someone who does great things in the shadows, don't you think that's the best I can do?"

"Keh! I don't care what you do, kid," said the Ancient Golem, spitting again. "But you moaning and bitching is getting tiring. Maybe this'll be a good thing for you. I don't know what TP has told you, but being a minion is different from what you think."

"Alright, alright. I'll get going," said Melee, raising his hands in defeat. "I come down here out of my own free will, the least you could do is listen to me for a bit."

"Keh! You come because you're too much of a pussy to say anything to TP."

"No, I'm not!"

"Go on. Get home, you lost baby," said the Ancient Golem.

"I'll show you," said Melee, spitting on the ground. "I'm going to be great, I tell you."

"Ah, is that right? Well, I won't be going anywhere," said the Ancient Golem.

"Yeah, you're stuck there. LOLZ."

"GET, YOU DAMN MINION BRAT!"

Melee dashed off from the Blue camp, snickering as he ran. The Ancient Golem slowly lowered his fist and heaved a great sigh.

"Holy Jesus. You must have a hard-on for that kid."

"What's that?"

"You totally missed me with that last loogie," said the Young Lizard. The Ancient Golem eyed the cheeky thing and made a strangled rasp from the back of his throat.

"Shut your mouth and get back to standing around doing nothing," said the Ancient Golem, spitting on the Young Lizard. Then, he raised his head and looked up at the sky with a piercing glare.

"Same for you, damn nosy bitch."

* * *

><p>"Aw dude, that is gross."<p>

"Are you seriously going there?"

"Hey, hey. Don't judge. Alright? Even if she's young, she's still a champion."

"Dude, there are some boundaries you just can't cross."

"Yeah? Well, tell me that after you give it a try. Swear you'll never go back."

"Like I said, some boundaries you just can't cross."

"Whatever. Look, we're not going to be minions for long. Can't be doing this shit when we're all honky tonky like Mill. It's time to have a little bit of fun before the end, am I right?"

"Christ, you're disgusting. But you make a good point. Let's do this shit."

"Good to hear, my brother. Alright, you guys grab her hands-"

Kassadin's eyes fluttered, his breath dripping from his mouth as his body slowly faded out of stasis. His vision was still blurry, so it was only the sounds he could hear. Grunting and laughter, little wailing protests from the demonchild.

"S-Stop it! STOP! I-I'll...Tibbers will beat you up!"

"Ah, shut up. God, even a champion can't take it with her mouth shut."

"AH! D-Don't touch me there, you-UWAAA!"

"Dude man, this is pretty gross."

"Yeah, but it's fun right?"

"...Yeah. Can't argue with that." The group of minions went back to stacking watery weeds from the river on top of Annie's head.

"Alright, that's it! Who's up?"

"Let me take a whack at it," said one of the minions. He reached over at a stray weed and tried to pluck it from the stack.

"OH!" shouted the minions as the stack broke apart. "LOL FAIL!"

"Shit! She was moving, man!"

"That's the challenge. Now, fork it over."

"Damn it, can't believe I bet my Sona collection for this shit..."

"Some people just have magic fingers. You obviously don't," said another minion, sniggering.

"Cram it, asswipe."

"Make me, bitch."

"Now, now. Guys, let's get back to the game. Alright, so wagers in. Come on, don't be stingy."

Everything was growing sharper. The colors were no longer murky and Kassadin realized that they were currently somewhere in the river. Based off the direction of the bushes, he guessed that they were near the Dragon. Kassadin tried to move, but felt something holding him down.

Weeds. They had stuck Kassadin in a bundle of weeds growing from the river. He tried applying a bit more force and found that the bonds were actually quite weak. They were loose enough that he could pull them all out with one motion.

_But..._

The minions. He didn't know how, but they had somehow broken through their spells and bonds. Just being this far into the river without any adverse effects...it was enough to make Kassadin realize that there was something wrong about them.

And a coordinated attack that had brought two champions into submission-

This was no ordinary group he was dealing with. As a seasoned fighter, Kassadin could easily tell that he was at a disadvantage.

_Especially if that minion still has..._

Zhonya's Ring. An item that had been thought to be lost forever. It had come into a minion's possession. Like Zhonya's Hourglass, the ring could send him into a state of stasis, unable to take any action. If that minion was still around, then things were much worse than it seemed.

_No...he's not here. His presence is missing._

A minion that had led the charge. A minion that had been daring enough to give a champion a parting shot before freezing him up in stasis.

An aura had been radiating from him, the presence of a leader and a powerful foe. It was this aura that had disorientated Kassadin for a split second after he was attacked.

A split second that had cost him his freedom.

_If he's not here, then perhaps...no, I _will_ escape._

As bad as things seemed, there was a single ray of fortune still shining on the champion. His experience was almost filled up. With just a single minion kill, he could reach level 6 and be able to teleport freely.

The question was how.

_For now, I must pretend to still be in stasis._

The minions were distracted with the game they were playing on Annie's head, loud bursts of outrage or cheer blowing from the group every few minutes. Kassadin slowly angled his head, watching to make sure that no one noticed him.

_Good. The coast is clear. These are the only minions around._

He could take this few of a number. But he was aiming for just a kill. He had to bide his time until a minion got closer, so as to maximize his efforts.

_Hurry..._

Certainly, they were focused on the demonchild. However, the fact that they had Kassadin tied up meant that they were well aware of the damage he could cause alone. No doubt one of them would come over to check on his status soon.

And that would be his moment to strike.

"Hey, is that bitch awake yet?"

"I don't know. Why don't you check?"

"Nah, doesn't look like it. If he was up, he'd be whining and moaning, right?"

"Oh, definitely. It's fucking Kassadin after all. That elitist faggot wouldn't spare a chance at bitching about something."

"Right, forget him. COME ON, MISS FORTUNE'S ASS COLLECTION. COME TO PAPA!"

"Waaaaahh, i-it's getting in my eyes!"

Kassadin sat there in the cold water half-submerged, hanging off the tangle of weeds on his arms, as the minions ignored him and continued stacking weeds on Annie. A vein pulsed over Kassadin's eye.

_Very well. In the end, you are still minions. Fools!_

If they wouldn't come to him, then he would use their negligence to his advantage!

_Slowly..._

_No._

_Quickly._

_In an instant._

_Disappear._

_And-_

Kassadin rose from the water in a burst-like jet. The water parted at his speed, the weeds flying off his body, his Nether Blade charging instantly with a violent glow-

_**KILL THEM.**_

Wordlessly, the Void Walker snuck up behind his target. Silently, he hovered his blade over the minion's neck.

Without a though, Kassadin hesitated as a chilling wave washed into his bones.

Mill turned around and eyed the champion.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Mill reached over and snapped the Nether Blade in half. Kassadin stumbled back into the water, his yellow eyes wide with-

**FEAR.**

**AN EMOTION THAT HE HAD NOT FELT-**

**AN EMOTION THAT HE HAD NOT NEEDED-**

**BURIED WITHIN HIS HEART-**

**RESURFACING LIKE A GEYSER-**

**IT STUNNED HIM.**

**SUFFOCATED HIM.**

**WITHERED HIS STRENGTH.**

"Holy shit! Kassadin!"

"God, he was right behind us!"

"You're far from being true Prodigy Catalysts, but you are no longer minions," said Mill, towering over the champion. "I expect you to be making efforts to awakening to your true selves."

Mill reached into his robe and took out a fist-sized hourglass.

"Watch carefully. There are many ways to subdue a champion."

He cracked the hourglass in half and let its contents shower down on the once King of the battlefield.

"And once you can do that, the world is open to your advances."

* * *

><p>"TP and..."<p>

"Leeson."

"Yes...well. Thank you," said Irelia, extending her hand out. "You have my gratitude for your rescue."

"Ah, wisely given! Or should I say fortuitously," said TP, wringing Irelia's hand. "You see, proper courtesy is a rare thing to find among minions. Honestly, only champions have such considerations, and only because it's within their nature to be so."

"I...see."

"Heh, you thought you could take us down with a couple pussy shots?"

"What was that you said before? _I suggest you stay the fuck still._"

"God, what do you think this is, a 90's action film?"

"Someone's been idolizing Graves a little too much, eh?"

"Yeah, let's get a bit more classy, alright?"

"How about some Gangplank."

"Har har, yo hoho."

"Argh, better keep both peg legs on't starboard if ya knows what I'm saying, argh."

"...That was the worst pirate impression I've ever heard."

"That right? You a damn pirate expert now? Let's hear a better one then, you fucking asshole."

"I don't need to give you a better one, anything else would've been better. Argh, a parrot could do a better impression than you."

"That was awful."

"That wasn't an impression, you fuck."

"You said 'Argh.' That's an impression. No one fucking uses Argh in real conversations."

"Yeah? Well, maybe, just maybe, I'm trying to start a fad."

"That's a lousy excuse of a fad."

"Alright, fine then. It's about as lousy as your pirate impression was."

"My pirate impression was not lousy."

"You're right. It was fucking pathetic."

"THE ONLY THING PATHETIC HERE IS HOW YOU'RE TRYING TO TALK SHIT ABOUT A MASTERPIECE. Christ, you're like a Man of Steel critic!"

"What are you then, a Looper critic? Can't see shit past the shiny windshields, right?"

"You just crossed a line. YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD."

"BRING IT! COULDN'T WIN LAST TIME, CAN'T WIN THIS TIME!"

"You're not going to stop them?" asked Leeson, watching with slight concern at the brawling minions stirring up a dirt cloud.

"It's saying something when I hardly know them and I've already become used to it," said Irelia, with a sigh. "In any case, we have far more important things to consider."

She turned back to the group of minions tied up on the ground.

"Yes, yes, quite fortuitous indeed. If they hadn't those abnormally thick weeds to subdue us with, we probably would've had to kill the lot," said TP.

"Kill us?" said one of the minions, smirking with blood smudged on his cheek. "I guess you don't know about us. You keep standing there and we'll _kill you!_ Once our cooldowns are up, we'll be out of here in a flash and you'll have our fucking lances ripping everything from your throat down to your balls!"

"And how exactly do you plan to do that?" said TP, strolling closer.

"Heh, like I'll tell you-"

"Rather, you can't tell me. The only way you could escape is with a Summoner Spell. And out of those, only a few, such as Teleport or Flash. Neither of which, I believe, you or any of your comrades have the prowess to achieve," said TP. The minion's face filled with rage, his teeth grinding like mortars.

"We don't have time. They might have reinforcements," said Leeson, pushing past TP. "Who are you? How many of you are there? Who's your leader?"

"And why the fuck should I tell you, bitch?" said the minion, spitting each word out. Leeson punched him hard enough to nearly twist his neck.

"You're uncooperative. We can skip you. And if none of you talk, then we'll just torture you. And if that doesn't work, then we'll just kill you, one by one. I'm sure you guys know what it means when you die," said Leeson.

"Ah, no no. That won't work...uhh...Leeson," said TP. "You see, it's the fact that they are aware of their current situation that they know they have nothing to lose. Indeed, it's a shrew plan, to employ minions like this. They're not Prodigy Catalysts nor are they minions. They can either become one or the other, depending on whether they live or die. There's no loss for them in either outcome, which means...we can't threaten them."

Leeson looked back with a twitching eye. "There's something caled _bluffing_ for God's sake!"

"Now, now, err...Leeson. True men show their worth through straightforward and direct means. It's something that we all need to keep in mind, as our fellow minion duo are keen to remind us."

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, ASSHOLE! DON'T YOU DARE SAY SHIT ABOUT JOSEPH GORDON-LEWITT!"

"HA, THAT TWIG? YOU THINK HE HAS ANYTHING ON HENRY CAVILL'S MASSIVE MANBOOBS OF STEEL!?"

"I...think something is wrong with me. I'm actually enjoying this," said Irelia as she kept the crying Katarina at an arm's length.

A small chuckle came from the tied up minions.

"Look at you fucktards. You think you're going to get anywhere like that? You think you'll get anything out of us like that?" said the minion, his smile and eyes wide to the point of hysteria. "You've got nothing on us. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO STOP US WITH. Things are changing. We're a fucking wave that'll blow you to hell! We have all the power here. You guys are just _rats_ that we'll crush when we make our stand."

"This son of a..." said Leeson, cocking his hand back.

"Go ahead! Beat the shit out of me! Fat good it'll do you!" shouted the minion. "I know you guys think it too. That everything right now is all wrong. That things should change. I know you're thinking it. All of you. Minions. Champions. Hell, the champions. You guys are the worst. I feel FUCKING SORRY FOR YOU GUYS!"

"What are you talking about?" said Irelia, suddenly feeling as if she was being swallowed by a chilling darkness.

"Hehe...wouldn't you like to know? But you don't. You don't know a fucking thing, do you, you piece of shi-"

The minion's last word was stifled by an iron grip clamped around his jaw.

"I see. So that's what you know," said TP, his eyes boring into the minion's. "I see now. I'm somewhat shocked, but I suppose that it was inevitable. But, in that case, I suppose it's my duty to correct you, little minion. You see, you're not what you think you are. Because I know exactly what you are. I know what you've been told, I know that right now, you simply have an illusion that teeters on lunacy."

TP lowered his head until his face was inches away from the minion's.

"You're not revolutionaries or radicals. You're not heroes nor martyrs. Not minions nor Prodigy Catalysts. You're just insignifcant imposters of the real things."

"W-What are you-"

"The truth is that what you're spouting is just a twisted version of what has already been told. Written in records that none of you have seen firsthand. But I have. And I know what you really mean when you say _change._"

"W-Who are you?"

"I am TP, short for Traveling Priest. An ex-minion and the second Prodigy Catalyst to come into existence," said TP with a smile. "And one of just five that have seen the source of your misguided information. Those five are myself, my protege, a fool, the original writer, and..."

_Your master._

"I know who it is, minion," said TP, slowly crushing the minion's jaw. The minion screamed as he felt the cracks and pops screeching inside his mouth. "Which means, in our current situation, it is you _who has no power._"

The minion couldn't move. He could scarcely breathe. It was as if he was standing in front of General Mill or Cast.

_W-Who the fuck is this guy?_

"But how troublesome..." said TP, dropping the minion from his grip. "If this is certainly the case, then this calls for a debriefing."

"What do you mean? What situation? What's going on, TP?" asked Irelia, slamming Katarina's head into the ground.

"We're in dire straits, Irelia. If what I am thinking is true, then this is no longer just an isolated issue within the League of Legends."

_The world outside is also at risk._

* * *

><p><em>AN: Been a while since an update. I've decided to take my time with future chapters, so I can't say anything about the next update. The last chapter ended up being a mess because I became impatient with the pacing. Things just weren't conveyed well and the whole scene wasn't how I imagined it. I really don't want to make things any murkier than they already are (especially as things are going to be getting more dense in future chapters). This chapter was a bit rushed too, but mainly because I wanted to get something out before completely losing the trail of this story. I'll be looking over it later for some edits, so just a heads up.  
><em>

_Anyways, that's all for this time. See you again later._


	23. Like Being a Knight

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p>"Who's he think he is? He's never even been out of the camp and he talks like he knows everything about minions."<p>

Melee grumbled as he made his way back from the Ancient Golem camp. Not to mention that it wasn't like he had to go down there. TP had _insisted_, but that didn't mean he had to do it. Of course, not doing it would probably mean extra hours of getting kicked by a Leesin ult, but still! It was out of his own goodwill that he was taking the tiresome trip all the way down to Ancient Golem camp.

"Honestly, everytime I go there, all he does is act high and mighty. I know more about minions than he does! I can see them from the house."

Well, he could see the tops of their heads. The grass from the bush and the short height of minions meant that, usually, Melee couldn't see much of the battle aside from the champions. That and the fact that TP was a strong practitioner of Leesin's techniques was what had initially spurred on his fascination with champions.

But then, he had heard about TP's stories from the past.

"TP? The old crow used to be a minion. You didn't know that, kid?"

"WHAT!? Is that how he learned all of Leesin's moves?"

"Leesin's moves? Are you crazy, kid? Course not, minions can't do things like that," said the Ancient Golem. But Melee hadn't been listening. So TP had been that close to Leesin all along...

"Well, if you want to learn more about it, you might as well ask TP himself."

And so he had.

"My minion days? Ah well...you heard about that, did you? Darn Ancient Golem, I don't see why he would talk about that to you, it's not something someone like yourself would be very interested in. After all, minions are a rude lot, just something in their genes probably. You listen to a minion talk and it's all trash, trash, trash. Amazing how they can get by in normal conversation with those words. And don't get me started on the Sona fixation. My god, you've never seen such adamant fidelity to anything, I assure you-"

It wasn't long before Melee started speaking in minion lingo and fantasizing about Sona during his training. At one point, TP had become so frustrated with him that he banged Melee up with one hundred roundhouse kicks, mumbling something about amnesia. Like something that ridiculous could ever happen! Still, it had kept Melee busy moaning with pain instead of swear words for the next month.

"Hmph! Minions must be damn strong. TP's stronger than a champion himself. I don't see what's wrong with trying to be a minion. Fighting to protect someone, talking shit all day, dreaming about women. It's like being a knight."

Melee muttered to himself as he walked back up the river. Although TP told him to never use this path, he was hot and tired from being outside. What did it matter, anyways? If he met a champion, then all the better! He could get their autograph or maybe even learn some secret moves even TP didn't know.

"I wonder if there's even a battle going on right now," thought Melee as he splashed himself with a palmful of water. That would be pretty awesome. Seeing a battle from the safety of someone else's hut was great and all, but it'd be nothing compared to front-row seats.

"Let's see, let's see," said Melee, peeking into the river bush. "Nope, nothing here. Guess I'm clea-"

Something soft and heavy bounced off his head.

"Ow...what the hell?"

Something blue was on the ground next to him. Blue fabric? It was probably a robe of some kind. Melee had never seen clothes like that before.

"What the heck is this...?"

Whatever was inside it, it was about the same size as Melee himself. In fact...something about it looked familiar. He couldn't quite put a finger on it, but it was right on the tip of his tongue...

"Whatever. If I look inside, I'll know what it is."

Melee groped around for a loose edge of fabric, then pulled. Encased within the blue robe was a sight so beautiful that, for a second, Melee's heart stopped beating.

"Ah...agh...I...I can't breathe..."

Falling over as his body froze up from being in the middle of a stroke, Melee didn't notice as the figure in the blue robe slowly awakened.

"Ow...that hurt. Even if you're on the purple side, that doesn't mean you can just throw me out of the lane like tha-"

A lance fell from the sky and smashed into the figure's head, knocking it back into the ground.

"You prick! Even if you're on the blue side, that doesn't mean you can just whack my weapon out of the lane like that!"

"S-Sorry. I know it's not an excuse, but I don't know what happened. It was like some unnatural force made me smack that lance into the air."

"Oh yeah? Is that right? So, you just happened to whack my lance into the air by accident? You've got to be kidding me. Next, you're going to tell me some bullshit like the lance was just a convenient plot device to give a relatively important character amnesia for no reason at all besides covering up other plot devices that are going to be revealed lat-AGH!"

The purple minion fell to the ground as a spiked hammer broke through his skull. The blue Melee minion flicked the blood off his hammer and turned around.

"Look, dude, when they start blabbing their mouths like that, it's fine to just kill them. It's not like this is some dramatic action film."

"S-Sorry about that. I-I kinda didn't expect him to start yelling at me."

"Yeah, well, you gotta have a tough skin if you wanna be in the battle. I know you're a new minion and all, but grow some balls, Caster."

"Y-Yeah...ok."

"Come on, don't give me that shit. Minionspeak."

"F-Fuck you."

"Not bad." The blue minion punched Caster in the nose and kicked him in the crotch. "THE FUCK DID YOU SAY TO ME?"

Meanwhile, back in the river bush, Melee sat back up, coughing as his body recovered from the stroke.

"Jeez, I almost died there. That was really close. Jesus Christ almost got me with that flaming trident."

"Mmn..."

A highly erotic groan sounded a few feet from Melee's position. Instantly, he got to his feet and ran over to the figure in blue.

"Oooohhhh man. This...this is it. This must be what TP was telling me about."

The legendary female minion. Known only to be spawn at the blue minion camp, the legendary female minions were as coveted as Sona as prime jack-off material. Even if most minions had never seen one. Melee gulped and brushed aside more of the robe. _Oh god, I-I think I'm getting my first boner._

He closed the robe up and wiped the sweat off his face. Then, he opened it back up and started to unzip his pants. But then, he closed it again.

"Calm down! Man, I can't believe I was about to do that. Chill out, Melee. It's not like it's your first time ever seeing a female minion. I mean, it is, but it's not like it's the first time you've heard of them!" Melee took several deep breaths to redirect the blood rushing down to his lower regions. _Alright. I'm calm. I'm calm._

The female minion released another quiet moan.

_Fuck it. Belts off._

"GAHH! MY SKULL! MY FUCKING SKULL!"

The bloodcurdling scream stopped Melee from going down the path to adulthood. The sound was coming from the lane. Had a battle started? And he was hovering over a female minion!? Was he crazy? Fuck sex, he'd take violence and swearing over chicks anyday!

"Oh man, oh man. Front-row seats! Damn, this is my lucky day. Ok, ok. Let's get into minion mode, Melee." Melee cleared his throat and took an aggressive, hunched-over pose. "Fuck off. Bitch. Yeah, that's right. Who's your Melee? I am. Bitch. You think you got anything on me? Well, you don't. You're just a pussy. Bitch."

Melee mumbled to himself for a couple minutes as the roar of clashing weapons and battle cries grew louder. Once he felt that his tongue was about to fall from from the sheer vileness of the curses he was speaking, Melee slapped himself in the cheeks and steeled himself for the show.

"Alright. Don't forget. If you're going to ask for an autograph, you _demand _it. Yeah. Alright. I think I'm good. Here I go."

Unable to contain his excited smile, Melee thrust past the bush and out onto the battlefield.

His face was instantly splattered with minion blood.

"CHARGE!"

What had been a faint roar suddenly exploded into a tremendous blast of pure noise, ringing Melee's head with such pain that he fell to his knees in agony. Blinded and deaf, Melee crawled on the ground, his hands flailing for _something_ to hold onto.

A rising scream was suddenly cut off somewhere behind him. The hair in front of him was hot and filled with dust that swished at his face, as if they themselves were violent slashes and swings. The clanging of lances on shields, the muddled thuds of spiked hammers on flesh, the stamping crunch of bone and limbs, all of it mixed into a filthy, confusing sludge that was pulling Melee down. Drowning him in the stench, in the slithering prickles of fear that were swarming underneath his skin. Melee felt something hard crash into him, and he rolled to the side, his head knocking against the dirt, his hands scrabbling over his head in order to protect himself.

He couldn't make out anything in the chaos. His fingers tried to wipe the blood from his eyes, but his vision seemed to be permanently smudged with red. He stumbled backwards as minions rushed back and forth past him, their eyes fixated only on the enemies in their path.

_W-What the hell is going on?_

This was nothing like the battles he had seen from the window. Battles where the champions dashed and feinted, sliced and parried, fierce and intense, but elegant and mighty. Like puppets, but amazing, magnificent puppets that were beyond his reach.

But the battle here was not above him or below him. It was right in front of him, all around him, surrounding him.

The air was charged with manic energy. Wild and desperate, the minions were throwing themselves at each other with such abandon that Melee couldn't understand it. This wasn't a fight. This wasn't a battle, a duel between equally matched powers.

It was a slaughter. It was a nightmare of carnage that swayed back and forth, like a bloody pendulum splattering gore incessantly.

"HAHH!"

A loud cry came from the mob of purple minions. Leesin! Like a beacon of light, the champion stood out in his muscle-toned physique and flowing red headband covering his eyes. Across from him, a scaled dinosaur rose up wielding a massive, lethal blade.

"Re-Renekton," gasped Melee.

He couldn't hear what they were saying, but just feeling their auras was enough. When he was younger, he had always thought that champions were amazing; Leesin most of all, because even TP admired him! A champion that zipped through the battlefield like a wild, ricocheting bullet, but with the power of a cannon. He remembered sitting at the window as TP droned on and on about metagame, being completely transfixed to the battles going in front of him.

But right now, Melee couldn't feel any of that awe. He only felt pure fear as the two champions stared each other down. It was if the air in-between them was already filled with a flurry of slashes and blows. As far away as he was, Melee didn't think it was enough; he'd have to be further, maybe in mid lane, or even all the way in bot lane.

This was insane.

How could those minions withstand that kind of pressure?

"I...I have to get out of her-"

Melee's hand slapped over his mouth. Wait. What? What did he just say?

_H-hold on. This is what I wanted, right? I wanted to check out these guys. I mean, I'm over with champions. But the minions are still there. And they're fighting. I finally get to see them fight. Not just the tops of their heads, but everything! And it's awesome! They're fighting with all they got! They're just bashing and bashing and smashing and killing and spewing blood everywhe-_

Melee's hand was trembling. He looked at it, but couldn't understand. The sounds were echoing, but he couldn't hear any of it. It was then that a thought suddenly formed in Melee's mind.

_What am I doing here?_

And once that thought came, Melee's entire body began to shake violently. He couldn't stop it, he couldn't control any bit of it. His head sank down and his arms came up to wrap around himself.

_T-This is what I wanted?_

_T-This is..._

_T-This is it...right?_

_This is exactly..._

_Exactly..._

A ferocious roar. Renekton's blade came crashing down at Leesin's head, but the blind monk smashed his foot into the dinosaur's hand, stopping the blade just inches away. He jumped and spun in the air, kicking Renekton's blade away. The blade slashed into a group of minions, instantly tearing them into shreds.

Melee's lips formed into a crooked smile. A small chuckle trickled out of his mouth.

The fight between the champions was fierce. Even though it was his first time watching a battle this close, Melee was lucky enough to have stumbled onto a battle that would become famous in metagame for its sheer intensity. But Melee didn't care at the moment. He couldn't give the champions any mind.

What he saw were the minions getting destroyed in their path. Crawling up to fight even as their bones were shattered. Detached arms swinging hopelessly on the ground, aiming for some sort of target. Beheaded minions flailing around, their HP refusing to let them rest.

How were they moving? What was making them move?

**What the fuck was going on?**

Something fell from the sky, its impact blowing air and dust into Melee's face. He looked up, still shivering, and saw his reflection, smeared with bloodstains.

"W-What..."

A roar. Melee looked up and saw Renekton charging towards him. Leesin had managed to disarm him, but missed his Sonic Wave. The two champions charged at the blade, claws meeting fists and kicks meeting bite. Melee tried to get to his feet, but all the energy was gone from his legs.

"W-Wait. Hold on, Don't, don't-!"

The two champions crashed into the blade, throwing Melee backwards back into the river bush. Renekton jumped onto the wall, blade swinging in an arc back to his side. He leapt and dove at Leesin, spinning into a corkscrew. Leesin guarded with his shield, but Renekton's blow was so heavy that he was blown off his feet.

Melee screamed in panic. He rolled around and tried to figure out where he was. There was only grass in every direction. He could hear Renekton's roars so closely that he could feel blood bursting from his ears.

_I have to..._

_I have to get out..._

_I..._

_I need to..._

"MELEE!"

A voice. A loud, clear voice, cutting through all the chaos. Melee looked down and saw the bundle of blue. The female minion. She was still unconscious. Lying there.

Unable to move as the two champions fought, just inches from her.

Melee didn't think. He wasn't even sure if he would remember doing this. But still, he did it.

He dove and scooped the female minion into his arms.

"RAAGGHH!"

Renekton dove into a second corkscrew, slamming Leesin into the wall. Melee somersaulted out of pure instinct and rolled underneath leathery hide and stone muscle as the two champions cracked holes into the walls. He ran out of the bush, splashing into the water, mud wrapping around his legs like vines. Renekton's blade swung wildly from the bush, the edge of it just nicking Melee's clothes. He stumbled, but rolled onto his side, so that the minion in his arms wouldn't get hurt. He kept running, back into the lane, racing towards the opposite wall.

_If I get to the end, then I can slip through the trees. I can run all the way to TP's hut._

That was the plan. But as Melee ran, there was a change in movement.

"YO, THAT BITCH HAS A FEMALE MINION!"

"WHO IS THAT FUCKER? IS THAT A BLUE MINION? KILL THAT BITCH, I'M SO JEALOUS!"

"IT'S A PURPLE MINION! HE'S TRYING TO STEAL OUR FEMALE! GET HIM, YOU LOUSY FUCKS!"

Melee ran so hard that his feet felt like they were going to fall off. Both minion waves twisted as they ran towards a new target. Minions were surrounding him from all sides, their eyes wild with rage and fury.

"A-AHH!"

Melee tripped and landed on the ground just as a lance and hammer smashed over his head. He half-ran, half jumped forward, bashing into the shield of a minion trying to stop him.

"I GOT HIM! HE'S OVER HERE! I GOT THIS BIT-"

Instantly, a dozen lances and hammers hit the minion's shield, blowing him away like a rag doll. Melee dodged again, his arms feeling like lead as the female minion bounced against his chest.

"HE'S HEADING FOR THE BUSH!"

"GO! GO! HE CAN'T RUN FROM US IN THERE!"

_That's what you think!_ thought Melee, his face unconsciously breaking out into a smile. _Holy shit. This is amazing. I'm fucking awesome!_

He was slower than them, but once the two waves had hit, the minions had started fighting each other. The thought troubled Melee, but the adrenaline rushing through him wouldn't let him stop and consider it. He just moved forward, thinking of only one thing.

_Tree. TREE! TREEEE!_

Right there! Right in front of him!

Just one more foot!

Melee jumped at the space between the trees. He tucked his head in, ready to snap into a roll once he hit the ground, when-

He froze. His entire body stiffened like rock. He was an inch away from the trees. So close that he could swear his breathe was getting across.

But he couldn't move any further. It was as if his mind had suddenly shut down.

"THERE HE IS! FIGHT TOWARDS HIM! WE'LL GET HIM EVENTUALLY!"

The fierce battling started moving closer, like a tornado of stone spikes and wooden splinters. Melee pushed, but still his body refused to budge. His neck was able to stretch out, but all that did was make it feel like he was going to dislocate his spine.

_Shit. Shit, what the fuck! What's going on? I could always get in before. What's different this ti-_

The female minion. He looked down and saw that the point of resistance was right against his chest.

_I...I can't bring her in?_

"GET HIM! IF WE GET THAT FEMALE MINION, WE'LL GET TO RAPE HER ALL NIGHT LONG CAUSE SHE'S FROM THE OTHER SIDE!"

"KILL THAT BITCH IF IT'S THE LAST THING YOU DO! FEMALE MINIONS ARE OUR ONLY PRIVILEGE, WE CAN'T LET THE FUCKING OP PURPLE GET BETTER SHIT THAN US! PLUS, THEY'RE GAY!"

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, YOU ASSHOLE?"

"YOU HEARD ME! YOU GUYS ARE GAY! FUCKING TEEMOS."

"DID YOU JUST TRASH-TALK CAPTAIN TEEMO, YOU SON OF A BITCH?"

"GAAAAAYYYYYYYY!"

The minions were closing in. Melee tiptoed around and got his body inside, but still the female minion was resisting movement. He pulled and pulled, but he couldn't get her across. Sweat pouring down his face, Melee moved her up and down, hoping to find some kind of hole or crack through this invisible barrier.

But there was nothing. She couldn't come across. It was as simple as that. He had to let her go. He couldn't do anything about it. If he stayed out there and tried to save her, they'd just kill him too.

Kill.

He would die.

Just like the rest of them.

They were-

Killing machines.

It didn't even phase them.

Being killed.

Killing.

Minions, champions-

What was wrong with them?

What the fuck was wrong with all of them!?

_Just let her die._

His fingers tightened over the robe, tearing through them and into his own hands.

_You don't want to become like them, right? Just leave her there then. She's just like them._

Melee roared as he pulled, the fabric ripping away from each one of his clawing motions.

_YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER._

_Being a minion is different than you think._

_JUST LEAVE HER. _

_Something's wrong with your thinking, kid._

_GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE NOW!_

_DON'T GET INVOLVED_

"SHUT UP!" screamed Melee. The clashing from the minions drowned out his voice. He could feel their blows through the vibrations in the ground. It was like an earthquake, rushing towards him, rushing to cut through everything in its path.

_Come on._

_Come on._

_COME ON, DAMN IT!_

_I WANT YOU HERE!_

A crack. Then, a wrenching noise. As if something was bending, then splintering apart, then breaking-

Melee fell back. The swarm of minions crashed against the barrier, flattening like they had just careened into a wall.

And the female minion dropped onto Melee's chest, knocking the air out of him.

Breathing hard, Melee laid back and looked at his hands. They were all torn up. He looked down at the minion's clothes. The robes were nothing more than bits of scrap now.

Then, he laughed. He laughed at the minions stacking up into a hill just inches away from him. He laughed at the fact that Leesin and Renekton were probably wondering where all their minions.

But most importantly-

He laughed because he had never felt anything as soft and warm as the minion resting on top of him.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Hey guys. Apologies as always for the long time in-between updates. I've got a million reasons for why it's taken so long, but basically it all comes down to me just not investing enough time into Minions. Since it's been a while, I was planning to continue off from where we left off with in this chapter, but the Melee flashback just got so long. Sorry, but you'll have to wait for more plot progression (at least, forward -). Probably a ton of typos and grammar errors too.**_

_**Anyways, moving on, thanks to the reader who kept sending me PMs. I probably would've taken much much longer without those reminders. Keep them coming (and minion effects visual upgrade? Too bossy). Also, Garen carry bitch slaps Veigar carry.  
><strong>_


	24. Murphy's Law

**Those Minions**

* * *

><p><em>Knowing that you're just a puppet in a game called League of Legends.<em>

_A puppet._

_Within-_

Ashe fell forward, her stomach clenching. She cried out as pain lanced through her head, as if something had pierced through her skull and was carving at the bone. The pain looped in a ring inside her head, nausea rotating the world around her, over and over, and over and over-

"Ashe! Look at me!"

She couldn't control her eyes. Her hands tried to get a grip on the ground, but they slipped and she collapsed. She shivered uncontrollably, her hair flopping wildly against her face as her cheek rubbed into the dirt.

"Primey, get her up! Get her up now!"

Ashe felt hands grab her by the shoulder. She felt herself fling upwards, then back again as her head rocked. A thrashing force punched into her seizing throat, then ricocheted out of her mouth. She vomited on the ground and felt as if the nausea was growing with each lurch she gave, blowing up like a balloon inside her. She vomited again, all her strength flowing out in a stream of bile, leaving her weak and helpless in Primey's arms.

_A puppet._

_I know._

_I'm just a puppet. I'm just a summoned champion in this battlefield, subject to the whims of the Summoner that controls me._

_I know that. I know because I allowed myself to be in that state. To further my ends, to bring together Freljord and have my tribe live in peace and prosperity._

_It's all for the sake of-_

_WRONG._

_For Frelj-_

_YOU'RE WRONG._

_I'm..._

_MISTAKEN, FROST ARCHER._

_MISTAKEN._

_YOU DON'T-_

_KNOW-_

_**ANYTHING.**_

"CAST!" roared PC, whirling around to face the purple minion, his eyes hard with rage.

"My apologies, PC. The spells on the champions are...much stronger than I thought," said Cast, bowing his head. But PC knew it was a lie. The glitter in his eyes showed that he had known all about the spells.

"You...What the hell did you do-"

PC held out a hand to stop Primey. Primey protested, but this time, PC was firm. Primey couldn't get past the enormous trunk of an arm.

"Primey, Ah'll handle this," said PC. The sober expression on his face made Primey hesitate. He looked down at Ashe, the Queen of Freljord, her chest heaving with ragged breaths that were sounding fainter and fainter. He nodded, then lowered Ashe to the ground and turned her head so the liquid in her throat could drain.

"Cast. Ah'll tell you one more time. Stop this. This isn't what needs to be done."

Cast sighed and massaged the space between his eyebrows. "Indeed. The final pages of the Morellonomicon, or what was once known as Morello's Evil Tome...it's quite different from the rest. I realize you had an exceptional experience before then, and that is probably what has changed you."

"Yes, Cast. And it's because of that-"

"Certainly, there is a piece that I may be missing. I thought that your words explained enough of your thoughts. To me, they sounded like one who became doubtful of his own conclusions, someone who was shaken by new evidence. I believed you were put on the wrong path. That you didn't realize that nothing had changed, because of how impactful your experience was. However, it seems I was mistaken. You truly believe that you were wrong. And that means that I am missing something. Something only you know," said Cast, rolling his wand between his fingers.

"Cast, it's not too late."

"Yes, you are right. It's most certainly not. However, my plans will go on. What you have told me has changed nothing. Which means, either you are not communicating to me properly, or you are wrong once again. I'll ask you again. Won't you join me, PC? Join me," said Cast, raising his wand to stop PC's objection. "-but, there is no need for you to agree with me. In the end, all that I know comes from your knowledge, PC. Your actions and your foundation. It is only you, PC, who holds my utmost respect. And because of that, I believe you when you say that I'm wrong. However, it must be proven. And until you have proven to me that I am wrong, nothing will change."

"...What are you saying, Cast?" said PC carefully.

"Come with me, PC. Watch as your genius shows its results. If you are still unconvinced, then _convince me!_ Show me, as I will try to show you, that you are right. There is no need for squabbles here. We are _true_ Prodigy Catalysts. So, let us settle this in a manner befitting of our namesake."

"Don't listen to him. Don't you dare listen, PC!" shouted Primey. "He's tricking you! He's not going to keep his promise, that motherfucker is just going to backstab you the first chance he gets-"

"_Shut your mouth!_" snarled Cast. He flung out his hand and jolts of energy burst from his palm, plowing into the center of Primey's chest. Primey cried out as the bolt burned through his robes and blasted him away from Ashe.

"Primey!" yelled PC.

"Don't move, PC!" said Cast, his words seeming to make the air itself tremble. "If you move, I will Smite him again and he will die."

Cast walked past PC and stood over Primey as the minion coughed and clenched his smoking chest.

"I owe PC _everything_," said Cast, kneeling down until his face was just inches from Primey's. "Insult me again, and protege or not, I will _kill _you."

Primey struggled to open his eyes and look straight at Cast. Then, he spat in the minion's face.

"Bite me, asshole," said Primey through gritted teeth.

Cast's lip curled as he wiped the spit off his face. He raised his hand and it began to glow with streaks of lightning once more-

"Ah'll join you!"

Primey's eyes widened. Cast lowered his hand and cocked his head.

"Ah'll join you," repeated PC. "Just let him go."

"You-!"

"Primey!" barked PC. "Ah told you Ah'll handle this."

"PC, don't-" said Primey, a wave of horror suddenly flowing through him.

"Ah'll join you, Cast," said PC. "Ah believe you, so do what you want."

"NO!" shouted Primey. Even though he knew that PC was probably lying, even though he knew that it was because of him that PC had to say those words, the rejection simply forced itself from his mouth.

_PC wouldn't say. PC...PC isn't..._

"Don't...don't say that...you son of a bitch," choked Primey, his eyes clenching. Cast let Primey drop to the ground. He turned and looked straight at PC.

"You truly haven't changed," said Cast, an expression of both regret and nostalgia crossing his face. "Even now, you force yourself for someone that doesn't even understand you. Sacrificing everything..."

"Cast..."

"It's true that I wanted to convince you, but never like this. Never again. I'm sorry, PC. I went too far." His hand retreated back into his robes and he turned back, robes fluttering slightly from the motion. "Let us end this here. We can finish our discussion later. For now, I will have you come with me."

"All of you," added Cast, sweeping his eyes momentarily at Primey and the champions.

"What did you say, Cast?" A low growl shook the air. The Ancient Golem towered over the minions, the wild bristling of its foliage sounding like battering rain from a thunderstorm. "You promised me."

"Indeed," said Cast. He sighed in exasperation and rubbed his fingers on his wand. "Alistar will be returning soon. Wait here and you will-"

"I have waited long enough. We had a deal, Cast and you have not completed your side. I have yet to take revenge for all these years of death and revival."

"You are being blinded by your thirst for blood, Ancient Golem. Calm yourself and be patient. There will be more than enough to sustain your anger soon."

"I do not care Cast. I am not like you or your minions. I do not care for your lofty goals nor do I care for any more freedom than this. I am a monster and I devour all those that attack me. Give me a champion now, Cast. I will not wait any longer."

The Ancient Golem took another step forward. Cast's army flung their hands out, the beginnings of Smite crackling in their palms. A wave of killing intent from the Ancient Golem had washed over them and they knew that the monster was just an inch away from going on a rampage. The Ancient Golem laughed at the dozens of Smite aimed at him. Its blue eye glowed violently, as if its light was charging like a destructive laser.

"Very well!" said Cast. He signaled for his minions to stand at ease with a swing of his wand. "It is as you say. As a Prodigy Catalyst, I keep my word. You shall have a champion."

The Ancient Golem chuckled and growled in anticipation. The minions lowered their hands, but did not put down their guard. The tension was still high in the air.

"Cast, you can't do this," said PC suddenly. "None of these champions are in any state to fight-"

"I understand, PC. However, I have made a promise. And it matters not for these champions. Once they die, they will simply revive, as all champions do."

"Don't take death lightly, Cast! They are champions, but they are still like you and me."

"I am eager to rid you of these delusions, PC. However, as I said earlier, we shall discuss this later," said Cast, sweeping past him. "The Ancient Golem requires a champion! Now, I see that the Frost Archer has suffered quite the mental blow. However, her body is fit and fine. Enough to sate the Ancient Golem's wrath."

Primey moved so that his body blocked Ashe. The minions drew closer, their hands grabbing at Primey's robes.

"Even if you are this Prodigy Catalyst, don't you think you're getting a little arrogant, minion?"

Cast turned to face the speaker. "Is that right? And why is that, Night Hunter?"

"It seems you're taking me quite lightly," said Vayne, sneering. "Even like this, the Frost Archer cannot best me."

"Oh? Are you volunteering to take her place then?"

"Volunteering? Like I said, minion, don't be so full of yourself. For what you want, there is no other choice than I," said Vayne, grinning.

"I see," said Cast, with a small laugh. "Very well then. Be my guest. We will leave you here."

"Vayne!" said Ashe, her voice weak and cracking. The Night Hunter glanced at her momentarily before struggling to her feet.

"It's annoying, Frost Archer. Am I so weak in your eyes?" said Vayne, grabbing the broken Condemn bolt near her feet. She swung the sharp edge at her leg, knocking off the remaining ice. Limping over and grabbing the broken tip, she stood up, black hair billowing into the air like liquid ink, both halves of the bolt held tight in her hands. "Go. And do not return. I will not be here."

Ashe outstretched her hand, trying to say something in response. But her strength failed her. She felt her eyes closing, her fingers growing limp, her arm dropping back to her side-

_I will not be here._

PC looked back as the Night Hunter walked forward, her back straight even as her leg threatened to collapse with every step. Although Vayne had always been a menace, it had been more for champions than minions. But this sight, as if a black demon was stalking its prey-

It made him want to believe, for the slightest of seconds, in her words.

For if she were to die here, she would respawn at the Blue base. But, Cast and his minions were on the move.

Dying now meant that they would surely lose the chance to act freely.

The Ancient Golem had been right to demand a champion now. Cast would not let a single champion escape from under his thumb at this point in his plans. To die was to be imprisoned. Ashe may have had a chance to fight. The mental blow was harsh, but she was still a champion. However, that was the point.

That was the ploy that Cast had used.

To bait Vayne, to hurt her pride and take advantage of her response-

It was ensured that Vayne would die. That the Ancient Golem would be satisfied and one more champion would be under Cast's control.

There was no downside here. It had been a calculated move. And PC could not stop it. He had not been able to see it coming. He had been too distracted, too affected by Cast's words. They had twisted and blinded him completely. It wasn't until now, when they were moving away, when he could finally arrange his thoughts carefully, that PC had noticed.

From the very beginning, Cast's actions had been leading to this. To this carefully constructed situation where everything would go in his favor.

That was why PC no longer resisted. That was why he did not argue against Vayne's decision. Because he knew that he was at a disadvantage. That Cast had planned long and hard for this moment. That even as he gave the appearance of giving PC a chance, there was more underneath, some trap that he was setting for PC. Without knowing what it was, without even knowing what had just happened, PC could not find a way to fight it. He could only follow and obey, hoping to find a hole, hoping that his ex-protege, one of the only few true Prodigy Catalysts on this map, would not have accounted for something. Or better yet, that something would go beyond his expectations.

He could no longer outsmart him. All PC could do was believe in an impossibility. Believe in those five words that Vayne had left with them.

Not a promise to die, but a promise to live.

To live was to be free. And it was only by living that they had a chance to fight against what Cast was planning.

_We must live, Primey. That is why we must go along with Cast for now. We have to live so that we have a chance to fight back._

But he could not tell this to Primey. He could not tell this to Ashe.

He only hoped that they would understand. That somehow, they would realize it for themselves.

But the chances of that were as low as Vayne surviving.

Miniscule chances.

But they were all he could depend on.

However, this was just blind faith. It was the same as refusing to surrender even when the battle is clearly lost. A miracle could happen. A mistake could happen. A turnaround could happen.

But more likely-

Because of Murphy's Law-

You would still lose.

"Good luck to you then, Night Hunter," said Cast. Before he turned away completely, PC saw the glint in his eye. "If you survive, then perhaps we will meet again."

Yes, it was possible. That was why Cast could say such a thing so easily.

But he knew that Cast didn't believe a single word of it.

"Let's go Primey. Ah'll take Ashe."

PC didn't look back. He stopped Primey from looking back. And he made sure that Ashe was facing forward when slung on his shoulder.

It was a beautiful sight, seeing a champion ready to fight to the death.

But it wouldn't be a fight. Vayne's fight had ended with Ashe.

This would only be a one-sided slaughter.

"I was hoping it would be you," said the Ancient Golem, stomping towards her. "You look tasty."

"Is that so?" Vayne flashed a malicious grin and cocked back the tip of her broken Condemn bolt. "Funny. I think the same of you."

* * *

><p>"Charlie, I think you have a problem."<p>

"Wut? Wut you talking about, man?"

"Look, I don't give a shit about your drug addiction. Hell, we're scrap monsters. Gotta have something to keep us busy. But come on, Charlie! You really gotta throw all that coke in the air _everytime?_"

"Ahaha...look at that mahn. It's snowing. Ahaaaaaahaa!"

Debris and smoke engulfed the Blue camp. Specks of cocaine and dirt were falling from the sky, like volcanic ash from an eruption. A hand appeared from the depths of the smoke, black and gray tendrils wrapping around it, then fading away like ghosts.

"Jesus Christ. I said on three, didn't I? I fucking told you on three!"

"Yeah, on three! I shot it on three."

"You fucking shot it right after two! That's not on three!"

"What's after two? Three!"

"God, why did I let you handle this? I knew better. I fucking knew better!"

"Stop yelling at my husband!"

"Shut up, you slut!"

Caster and Melee emerged from the smoke, brushing cocaine and ash from their robes. Caster spat on the ground and walked up to the lizards, blazing blue from the buff glowing underneath him.

"Alright, let's get this over with. We're on a strict schedule now."

"Who's going to be there? Yi's the only jungler."

"Yeah. And we thought Yi was on the other team too."

"Point taken. Alright, lizards. Put em up. I mean, ahem, 'gimme yo fucking tail.'"

The young lizard dropped its tail on Melee's outstretched hand. Charlie sat there, still looking up at the cocaine. His companion slapped him on the head and then dragged his tail over to Melee's other hand.

"Alright, good. Now, what do you say?"

"I'm yo bitch."

"Can you say that again?"

"I'm yo bitch." Melee motioned at Charlie. The lizard slapped Charlie again.

"Yeah, he's yo bitch," said Charlie, giggling.

"Say it one more time."

"I'M YO BITCH."

"Did I say you could speak English, motherfucker!?"

"Give me that gun," said Caster, smacking Melee in the head. He took the gun from Melee and shot both lizards, earning 4 extra gold each.

"Caster, are you serious? I was having a moment there."

"Didn't I just tell you we're on a strict schedule?"

"Are you ok, Melee?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. No thanks to Caster."

"Caster, you shouldn't be so mean to Melee."

"Bitch, what?"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?"

"GOD, WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!? YOU'RE A FUCKING LOUD ASS BITCH, ALRIGHT? LOUD, FUCKING, ASS, BITCH!"

Melee plugged his ears with his fingers and walked over to the choke point leading to the river. Just a little further and they would reach Drake, the Dragon. And past that was a jungle that was untouched and pristine. Just ready to give them EXP. With Caster and the Summoner Lady still arguing in the background, Melee sighed and glanced wryly up at the sky.

"Damn. Sure is bright today."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** _Bit of a transition chapter. Very excited for what's coming next. Well, aside from more lengthy exposition, got some nice plot-moving events coming up. Keep on your toes!_


	25. The Truth - 1

**Those Minions**

The Truth

* * *

><p><em>~TP's house, sometime in the past<em>

"I understand that it's part of your job, having to do something this troublesome. But don't you think that it's been long enough? Well, not to suggest that you haven't been doing anything worthwhile, this is certainly an activity of grave importance."

"T-That's not true. I mean, it's true that I have been watching for a long time, but it's not true that it's long enough. Y-You know how these things are. They can pop up on you at any second! Hiding...sleeping...being cute..."

TP finished pouring hot water into his cup. He deftly flicked the teabag out and tossed it to the side. The aromatic steam made his nostrils twitch and he breathed deeply through his nose to sample the scent.

"Being cute or not has nothing to do with this," said TP, his voice solemn. "Certainly you understand what it means for you to monitor him. The longer you keep in contact, the more your Presence will-"

"I know." Her tone was harsh. It sounded as if she was struggling to talk normally. "But...I just want to...a little longer..."

"How much longer is a little longer? One match? A year? A hundred years? You are changing even as we speak. The fact that you can speak at all already demonstrates that fact."

"...Is it so wrong? Can't I continue like this...? Isn't it fine if the Presence changes me?"

"That is your decision to make. I am not telling you to stop or continue. I am merely ensuring that you are aware of the consequences of taking either action. Once you reach a certain point, you will never be able to turn back to what you once were. If you die, you will suffer a true death, unrestrained by spells or bindings. If you stay where you are, you will spread through the Presence to the others that are with you. But at that point, you will need to leave."

"Why did you leave? Couldn't you have stayed? Couldn't you just have changed everything?"

"After PC realized his mistakes, he knew that he could never go back to his old methods. It was far too quick and ruthless. The Presence is the better method, but with both of us there, it was still too fast. We realized that the change had to be gradual, that they would have to learn and adapt little by little, as we did. That is why I left and he stayed. For those with you, just your Presence is enough to change them as you have changed."

TP took a sip of tea. The voice from the sky did not reply and silence hung heavily in the air.

"It was fine up to now. In fact, it will probably be fine for quite a while. But you will eventually have to make a choice. And the sooner you do, the more at ease you will be with your choice. Will you truly accept your life after it has changed? Is this truly what you wan-"

"I don't know. I don't know what lies in the future for me. I barely understand who I am right now and what I will become. But..."

She took a breath and closed her eyes. His image was clear in her mind. The image that she had been monitoring for all this time. She didn't know what the future held. She didn't know how things would change. She didn't know if they would be bad or if they would be good.

All she knew was that the warmth in her heart could not be satisfied. It hungered, it begged, it pleaded to be satiated.

"I can't stop now."

A small smile appeared on TP's face. Her choice was surely a mistake. It wasn't rational. She did not understand her choice nor did she care. It was a choice that was made out of dreams and hopes, untouched by the cruel edge of reality.

And it would just as easily be struck down, just as easily torn apart, as a flimsy dream.

But...

Even so...

"Honestly, the lot of you are all the same. Where do these fleeting emotions come from, I wonder?" Not that he could talk. He had felt these very same emotions just as brightly. "Fine, fine. I will stop badgering you about it. Let fate take its way, or something like that, yes? All that I have left to say is-"

TP was interrupted by a loud bang on his door. The voice's presence vanished from the room. TP set down his cup of tea and walked up to the door.

"Dear boy, if you would please try to show some restraint against this door, it's quite old you know-"

Melee burst through the open door and fell forward. His clothes were a mess and he was gasping for breath as he dragged himself into a sitting position. Besides him, there was a sizable bundle in torn-up fabric.

"You must be tired. Get along to bed. I'll take care of the rest," said TP, picking up the bundle with ease. Melee struggled to sit up, his vision blurring and an incessant nausea plaguing his head.

"She's...I'm sorry, but I had to..."

"Shh," said TP, taking the bundle into a free room. "Rest, I said. You can explain what will most likely be an impressive explanation lat-"

TP's words stopped as he turned around. He smiled and shook his head. Well, it was no use talking to someone who was already snoring peacefully on the floor.

* * *

><p><em>~Elder Lizard Camp, After the Yi Battle<em>

"Hoo! Man, that's good stuff."

Caster shook his head like a dog and took another swig from the health pot. The liquid burned down his throat, strong like the taste of bitter medicine.

"How long were these pots sitting in the store?" asked Melee, sniffing the potion. Generally, health pots had a carbonated taste to them, earning them the little nickname "red sodas." However, with the end of the cloth+5 pots era, there was an enormous stock of potions that were left sitting in the dust for who knew how many days.

"I don't know, but this is damn good," said Caster, licking his lips. He tossed the empty bottle over his shoulder and popped open another potion. "Perfect thing to celebrate with, am I right? Or am I right!? Haha."

"Caster...don't tell me you're-"

"What? What are you trying to say?" said Caster, glaring at Melee.

"...You're drunk."

"I'm not drunk! I'm...perfectly fine," said Caster, lifting the potion to his mouth. "I'm...I'm fine. I'm not drunk. Can't be drunk. Who you calling drunk?"

"You're obviously drunk."

"I told you Melee, I ain't drunk!"

"Did you just say ain't?"

"Don't get your trousers in a tussle."

_"What?"_

"Not drunk. The only one drunk here is you, Melee!"

"I'm not drunk. I haven't even drank anything."

"Is something wrong with Caster?" asked the Summoner Lady.

"He's drunk, honey."

"WHO YOU CALLING A DRUNK HONEY?"

"How's that even possible?"

"Look here...you...you...thing. I'm not drunk. I can't be drunk. If I was drunk, then you'd be in a coma. There's no way in hell that I can't hold my liquor, but you can!"

"I told you, I haven't even drank anything!"

"See? That's what all drunk people say," said Caster, his head nodding. "You should stop while you're ahead. Don't give me that nonsense about you 'haven't even started to drink,' that's a load of crap and you know it."

"I'm serious, I haven't even had a drop."

"Put that dirty wife-stealer to bed before he hurts himself, loudbitch!" said Caster, striking out a finger. Then, he plopped onto the ground.

Silence.

"Honey?"

"Hm? What is it, Melee?"

"He was talking to you."

"No, he wasn't. I'm not loud anymore."

"Well, yeah, but..."

"Are you saying that I'm loud, Melee?"

"...Why do you sound angry?"

"Answer the question!"

"Yeah, answer the damn question!" said Caster, his face in the dirt.

"You shut up!"

"ARE YOU SAYING I'M LOUD?"

"GAH! Yeah...you're being loud right now."

"HOW COULD YOU!? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"

"What are you talking about!? What's that have to do with you being loud!?"

"MMMMPHHHMMMPHH!" _I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BETRAYED US, YOU SON OF A BITCH._

"MMMPHMMPHMMPHH!" _LOLZ TROLOLOL? WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT ANYMORE?_

"MMRPHMRRRPHH!" _WHY ARE WE SHOUTING IN ITALICS?_

The three stopped talking as a torrent of shrieks and muffled cries rose a few feet from their resting spot. Three wraiths were huddled around a large Greater Wraith and flapping their robes at him.

"That...can't be."

"Whazzat?" said Caster, rolling over onto his side.

"Those wraiths...they're the ones you killed earlier."

"Wraiths? What wraiths...?"

"You know, the three Lesser Wraiths and that lying scumbag Greater Wraith. Holy shit, I can't believe it. He was right. He's never going to hear the end of it."

"What..."

"Caster, come on. I know you're drunk, but you seriously can't remember those guys?"

"What...What's a wraith?"

"Oh my fucking...Moon-Moon." Melee slapped a palm to his face and rubbed his eyes.

"Melee! Answer me! Are you telling me that I'm loud!?"

"You're still asking about that!?"

"MMMRPHH! MMMRPH!"

"I'M NOT DRUNK!"

"SHUT UP! I didn't say you were!"

"But you were thinking it," hissed Caster, looking at Melee suspiciously. "Just. Like. Those. Damn. Elves."

"...What? What the hell are you talking about?"

"THEY CAN'T TAKE ON SMAUG."

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT I'M LOUD?"

"Honey, I love you, but I'm this close from telling you to go make me a damn sandw-"

The rest of Melee's words were drowned out by loud cheering from the wraiths. Melee looked over and saw that the wraiths were guzzling down health potions.

"Wait, how the heck did they get thos-"

"So I told the guy, I'm not drunk!" said Caster, one hand over one of the Lesser Wraith's shoulders. "If I'm drunk, then you must be in a damn coma."

"Mmrph mmrph," chuckled the wraiths.

Melee stared at them, completely baffled.

"...Fuck it. Honey, you're not going to want to see this."

And with that said, Melee downed the health potion in his hand in one gulp.

"Melee, I'm going to ask you one last time. Are you telling me that I'm-"

"YOU'RE FUCKING DRUNK, CASTER!" roared Melee, jumping to his feet. He looked down at his fellow Blue minion with heated eyes. "And I'm loving every second of it. Take your clothes off, bitch."

"What the fuck are you on-GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

"MMMRRRPHH!" _JESUS, THIS GUY'S INSANE!_

"Melee! Melee! Will you just tell me the trut-oh my. Oh my...Melee! I didn't know that you..."

"CAPTAIN TEEMO WILL BE PROUD!"

The events of that day were never to be remembered, forgotten even by its very own participants.

* * *

><p><em>~Bottom Lane<em>

"It is almost without a doubt that the one behind all the strange going-ons in this battlefield is a minion named Cast. Now, I'm quite sure that you've never heard of such a minion. Putting aside the fact that the spells of this world will simply erase your memory everytime a battle ends, there's also the fact that, being a Prodigy Catalyst, Cast has probably taken precautions to keep his presence hidden from those that are not in the know about the truth of this world-"

"Wait. Please."

Irelia held out her hand in a gesture for rest. Just a few minutes ago, they had finished tossing the rogue minions in a dogpile inside the brush. They had made sure that the minions wouldn't be able to escape and that they were enough of a distance away that they could not hear their conversation.

TP had said that the world outside was at risk. But Irelia didn't understand what he meant by that. Was he talking about outside this battlefield? Or was he perhaps speaking of the entirety of Runeterra? And what were these spells he was talking about? What was a Prodigy Catalyst?

The Caster duo didn't seem to have a clue either. Or rather, they didn't seem to care. Although they had been roused after being knocked out from the ambush, they still seemed to be in a tremendous amount of pain.

"Oh god, I think I'm having an aneurysm."

"Ow, ow. I can feel internal bleeding spouting off in at least 75 different places in my body. The daring! The courage!"

"I think it's safe to say that we totally risked our lives for you, tiny tits."

"Or more like, you're only safe because of our amazing and selfless sacrifice. Ow, ow! Owie! To have to endure this much pain just for your well-being..."

"And no gratitude at all."

"I knew champions were crude, but to think they were this heartless."

"Such cruelty!"

"Such callousness!"

Even though Irelia knew that they were empty taunts, each word struck deeply at her warrior's pride. The inescapable truth was that the caster duo hadn't done anything to help her, least of all save her life. They had been knocked out the very first instant of the ambush. But, as much as this was a steadfast fact, it was also a fact that she had been saved by them. Their mere presence had forced the minions to take another half-second in completing their ambush. A half-second that had been enough for TP and Leeson to come in and take them out.

Like it or not, if these two hadn't been there, Irelia would've been killed. Could it be argued that Irelia could've fended those minions off for that half-second? Could it be argued that even if Irelia did die, she would've come back to life anyways?

None of that mattered. There were trivial details, things that only misers and snakes would think about. The value of something wasn't about what could have happened in the far realms of possibilities; it was about what did happen and what was stopped from happening. Looking any further than that was to grasp for straws that could be found in any situation.

In that case, they weren't possibilities at all.

They were just excuses and wishes.

_There's nothing left...but to surrender._

_We did all we could._

_Do you want us to spill more meaningless blood!?_

What did happen and what was stopped from happening.

Not the murky future, the what-ifs of the world.

But the undeniable present.

_We have not lost._

_They have not conquered us._

_They have not destroyed us._

_As long as I am standing-_

_As long as we are standing-_

_This place-_

_Our home-_

_Will. Not. FALL._

"Very well," said Irelia, sighing deeply. It was not just her warrior's pride that forced her to say this. It was also her honor, her character, her soul that had been brought back to fight again on that day. It would not allow her to take such wretched insults. "I understand that I am in your debt. What do you request of me, minions?"

"Pussy."

"Yeah, pussy."

"Or tits."

"Yeah, or tits. Not yours though."

"Not that you have any."

"Not your pussy either."

"Cause it'd be shut close with how much of a tightwad you are."

"Ouch, smack! Give me some heat, bro."

"Smacked like dat ass, you know what's up!"

"Wooga wooga wooga." The Caster duo slapped palms and wiggled their fingers at each other.

All four of Irelia's spirit blades flashed, appearing just inches away from both minions' necks. The Caster duo paled in mid-wiggle.

"Pussy, hm? Something similar can be arranged," said Irelia, eyes gleaming with malice. The blades touched their skin. The Caster duo looked at each other and squeaked out high-pitched laughter.

"Aahhh, yeah. I, I think I've heard of them, you know? I was just wondering, maybe we could check them out, this kind of mythical thing-"

"But what were we thinking? Haha, pussies. What the hell are those? I think I was dreaming when I heard about them."

"Yeah, must've been a brainfart."

"And who needs tits? It's not like we can do anything with them."

"Yeah, just some useless meat, right?"

"Oh my, oh my, we have quite a feisty duo here, don't we?" said TP with a chuckle. "Still, while I understand that this is a matter of great importance to you, Irelia, we do not have much time to waste. So, if you would be so kind, Leeson?"

"What?"

"Would you please escort these minions elsewhere and...ah, what's the word...aggressively come to a compromise," said TP, wringing his hands. "I'm sure you'll have much fun. Such delight. So amusing. Wow."

"..."

"Now, if we could continue our discussion from earlier," said TP after Leeson and the Caster duo left to negotiate.

"...I do not understand. What are Prodigy..."

"Catalysts."

"Catalysts. And what did you mean by the outside world?"

"Dear me, I'm terribly sorry. I suppose I've grown to used to being with those in the know, but mmm...I see. Word has not spread as much as I had thought."

"What exactly is going on here, TP?"

"Ah well...oh? Hold on a minute..."

TP stepped to the side and finally saw a glimpse of the figure hiding behind Irelia. With the conversation completely ignoring her existence, Katarina had lowered her guard for just a second. But that had been enough for TP.

"Eek!" squealed Katarina, hiding behind Irelia again.

"Ah...it's you again. Now this is quite the coincidence..."

"You know Katarina?" asked Irelia.

"Yes. Well, not directly. Although, I've picked up pieces of the story, you see?"

"Story?"

"Nevermind. Perhaps another time, hm?" said TP, watching Katarina carefully. The red-haired champion cowered against Irelia's arm. Her grip was unusually tight, even for this diminutive Katarina.

"Katarina, I mean, _Kat._ Would you please..." started Irelia, touching the assassin's hand.

"No..." said Katarina, gripping even more tightly. Irelia's face flashed in pain for a moment.

"Kat-"

"No!" said Katarina, shaking her head. She closed her eyes shut and pushed her face into Irelia's wrist. "I'm scared..."

_What is with this Katarina...?_

"We're back," said Leeson, walking up with the Caster duo behind her. "They've come to something reasonable."

"Ah, have they? Thank goodness, I was getting rather tired of their endless bickering. Although, I suppose for their type, it shows a strong bond of friendship and the like."

"Friendship?"

"With this guy?"

Both minions looked at each other, then gagged.

"Don't misunderstand, asshole. We're just roomies."

"Yeah. I hate this son of a bitch."

"What is their request?" asked Irelia, slightly curious at what kind of conclusion they could have reached.

"They want you to introduce them to Sona."

"...That's it?"

"Yes. I believe so."

Irelia looked at the two minions. "Is that really all you want?"

"All we want? Are you fucking serious, bitch?"

"We want to fucking rap-"

The two minions shuddered as they felt a piercing cold run through their bodies. They glanced behind them and saw Leeson looking in their direction.

"Yeah, that's all we want. You know, she's our idol."

"Maybe a cup of tea or something. With milk. Lots of sweet, juicy mil-" The Caster minion shuddered again. "Nevermind. Forget the milk."

"Well now, if that's all settled. Let's get to the task on hand. I suppose you minions can stay too. This is probably something all of you should hear. In fact, let us also include our ambushers."

"The ambushers? Why?" asked Irelia.

"Because, my dear, it would be mortifyingly unfair to deprive them of this story," said TP, making his way over to the bush. "You see, this is not only the story of their origin, but also the story of our world. Not the Runeterra you know, nor the Fields of Justice that we are all familiar with. But the world outside."

**The world where our creators, Riot Games, exist.**

* * *

><p><em>~Elder Lizard Camp, After the Yi Battle<em>

"Melee..."

"What is it, bun-buns?"

"Are you still fucked up?" said Caster in disgust. He kneaded his aching head and struggled into a sitting position. "Christ, how much did I drink yesterday?"

"One drink," said Melee, bursting into a fit of giggles.

"No, you dumbass. That was you."

"Nooo, it was you!"

"Hic. Yeash...ish wash you, Cashter!"

"Shut the fuck up. Why are you talking like that?" said Caster, turning one eye up to the sky.

"...I felt lonely."

"Mmrph..." snored one of the wraiths. The Greater Wraith checked to make sure that they had all fallen asleep.

"KAKAKA! Idiots finally sleeping! My ears...sttuupppiid Lesser Wraiths. Next time champion comes, youuuu going to be dead first!"

"So that's why he has a grudge on them..." said Caster, massaging his forehead. He reached over to shake Melee. "Melee. Melee! Get the fuck up!"

"Sh...shaaattt aapp...homo."

"I don't know why, but that really pisses me off," said Caster, feeling like he was forgetting something. "Melee, get the fuck up! We still have to get Katarina!"

"Can't...we can't beat Katarina...we don't even have Red."

"But we beat Yi! And we have Frozen Mallet. And Rylai's! Forget Red, we can take her right now!"

"Can't...we can't..."

"Melee, get up right now or I swear I will fucking jam this wand up your fucking a-"

"Can't...kill Katarina. That's...that's..."

_Wrong._

Caster stopped raising his wand. He looked over and saw that Melee's eyes were looking at the sky. Glassy and dull, it was as if he was looking at something far, far away.

"Hey, Melee. Are you alright?"

His entire body felt like lead. Was it the alcohol? He had known that he had low tolerance, but he hadn't expected it to hit him this hard. He opened his mouth, but couldn't get his voice to come out. It was too much, too much effort to bring it out, too much of a wall to climb.

To say the words that needed to be said. To use the alcohol that had loosened his tongue, temporarily pulled away the shackles.

Fear. Anxiety. Despair.

For this fleeting moment, he was rid of those. The words had never burned inside his heart as they did now.

But-

His body-

His mind-

They resisted. They still felt the shackles, even if they had been removed. It was like a phantom pain. It was like habit.

As if they were meant to keep him locked down.

_No..._

_I have to..._

_Tell him now._

_Before we reach Katarina._

_Before we make a mistake._

_Before..._

_I..._

"Caster."

"Would you get up already? We don't have time for this. I don't even know how long we were out with that last one. For all we know, she could have full build already!"

"Caster! Listen...I-"

The shackles. They were tying up his throat. Grating against his teeth. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't speak.

"Christ, those wraiths made a huge mess," said Caster, shoveling in the items that had spilled out from his bag.

_Tightening. They were coming back. Crawling up his body. His mind was getting clearer. The clarity was being filled with dark, heavy sludge. He was sinking back. Back into fear, back into anxiety, back into despair-_

"Caster! I...I-!"

_I..._

_NOT KATARINA, BUT-_

"Uh...Caster? Why don't you wait a bit before going after Katarina again?" asked the Summoner Lady.

"What? Why the hell would we do that?" said Caster. "The later the game gets, the worse our situation becomes. Look, if we don't get her in this game, who knows how long it'll be until we see her in battle again. Especially since she's barely viable now! If we don't get her right now, right this instance, we're screwed! Our only advantage is this!"

He shook the bag of items angrily at the sky.

"But Katarina's not really a threat to you guys, right? A lot of her damage comes from her ultimate, right? But it can only hit champions."

"That's true, but..." Caster narrowed his eyes. What was going on here? He could understand Melee making some smart observations from time to time. After all, as stupid as he was, he was still an experienced minion. But this loudbitch bimbo that couldn't even tell what side of the jungle they were on?

"You guys are leveling up too. I can see your stats," continued the Summoner Lady. "Sure, you won't be able to beat her when she's full build. But just a little later is fine, isn't it? I know you're still angry at me for mixing up the teams. But think about it this way; if Yi is the jungler here, then your jungle is safe. And no one is in there. It'll be easier grabbing all the buffs."

_You can level up faster than her._

_You can intercept her in-between lanes._

_Or in the jungle._

_Because you have wards._

_Because you have items._

_Because you have everything with you and she doesn't._

_You don't have to recall._

_But she does._

_Because she's a champion._

Caster grew more wary. It was true. All of it was true. She was pointing out some flaws that he had never thought about for a champion. But it was for that very reason that he was suspicious. Because this was coming from her mouth. It was as if she had changed into a different person.

_What the fuck is this bimbo-_

He glanced over at Melee.

And his eyes widened at what he saw.

"Yeah...you're right. I hate to admit it, but you hit it right on the nail, bimbo," said Caster, laughing sheepishly. "I can't believe I didn't think of any of that. You're right, you're right. We shouldn't rush these things. We need to set up and make sure she can't escape since we've only got one chance. You're absolutely right."

_This is...I don't know._

_But I have a bad feeling..._

"Melee, did you hear her?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard it. We should do that. As expected of my wife! So smart."

"Aww. Thank you, Melee. Kissy kissy."

"Smoochy smoochy."

"Keh, you damn lovebirds," said Caster, slinging the bag over his shoulder. But his grin vanished as he walked away, his mind clouded with uncertainty. "Let's get going then. It's a change of plans, but it's not like we can dawdle."

"Yeah. Change of plans..."

Melee waited until Caster was a good distance away. Until he was sure that his voice wouldn't be heard.

Then-

"What are you trying to do?"

Melee took a step forward. Then another. Little by little, so that he was still a distance from Caster, but making small progress.

"You mixed them up on purpose, didn't you? Before. And you interrupted me just now. Why are you doing this?"

_Why are you suffocating me?_

_Pinning me down?_

"I just want you to be happy, Melee," said the Summoner Lady in a faint whisper.

"I don't deserve to be happy."

"I don't think so," said the Summoner Lady. "You're scared, aren't you? You just want to forget and keep going like this, forever and ever-"

"I don't want to forget. I can't forget."

"Then, tell him."

_If I could do that..._

_If I could do that so easily..._

"What do you know about me?"

"I know everything about you, Melee," said the Summoner Lady. "More than even you know."

"If you know everything, then you wouldn't be doing this. You'd know why I brought Caster here, what I'm trying to do-"

"This isn't the right place. You were never trying to bring Caster here."

Melee clenched his teeth. She saw through him. She was telling the truth. She knew everything. Everything that he had hidden. Everything that he had been running from.

"Then where? Where am I trying to take him?"

"You know, don't you? There's only one place..."

Melee didn't reply. He didn't need to reply. Because she was right. She was right like she was right about so many things.

He knew where he wanted to take him. It had been his goal all along.

"Once you go back around your jungle...you'll be there, won't you?"

Yes. That was it. Once they went back to Yi's Blue, once they crossed the river into their Red, once they passed through their own turrets to their Blue camp-

He'd be back.

Back to where it all started.

"...Don't interfere anymore."

"Ok."

"And..."

"Hm?"

"...Thanks."

"I love you, Melee."

"..."

_I don't._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: It's been a while, guys. Long enough that I'm really starting to wonder if I'll ever finish this story. Long enough that I think I forgot important plot details because I'm too stupid to write things down.**

**But whatever. **

**We're finally here. Let's get serious.  
><strong>


	26. The End (Important Author's Note)

_**IMPORTANT. AUTHOR'S NOTE.**_

_Hello, fellow readers. I am making a note at the beginning of this chapter to reveal some unfortunate news. It is with immense regret that I announce the end of Those Minions. Many times throughout this story, I stated that I would follow through with this story to the end. It was an ambition of mine that I truly wanted to fulfill, but recent developments (fucking life) have made it difficult for me to update frequently. The last update on this story was nearly 2 months ago. It's quite possible that I could continue this story, but I can only imagine that the pace would only get slower, never faster. As much as I want to keep my promise, I can't say that progressing with maybe 3-4 chapters a year sounds appealing. I can only imagine that it'd be worse for any reader who'd be dedicated enough to keep checking in on such a sluggishly updating story.  
><em>

_And so, I have come to the conclusion that I will end Those Minions here. However, I never liked it myself when writers abruptly ended their story or stopped updating without any warning. Just as much time was spent on reading this story as was writing it and I believe that it should be met with some sense of satisfaction. So, while this is clearly no substitute to the real thing, I will be posting what's pretty much a summary of what I had planned for the rest of this story. _The only consolation this method gives is a more coherent direction for the reader. Many of these events happen at the same time and would have criss-crossed across chapters in normal story format, but here, it is presented in a mostly linear manner. _I will release this in parts (probably once a week or so) for several reasons:_

_1. I didn't think what I had in my head would be this fucking long. Holy shit. Forget a year, I'd probably be dead by the time I finished this at my current pace._

_2. While I had a large amount of the storyline in my head this whole time, the latter parts weren't as fleshed out. Thus, some of the time will be taken to connect those properly._

_3. There's a lot to cover and the material is dense. Much of the humor and light-hearted moments are lost as pure plot bulldozes through. This makes for stiff reading, which I think for many, is a bit overwhelming in one giant wall of text.  
><em>

_I'm sorry that I had to betray some of your expectations and hope that at the very least, I'll answer some lingering questions that you might have had with recent chapters. Also, this might be asshole of me, but I'm actually enjoying writing in this way more because I can finally put all this shit down in text._

_Well, I'm an asshole anyways. _

_With that said, I hope you'll read through this shitty summary and still enjoy some of the developments that happen._

* * *

><p><strong>Those Minions: The Truth<strong>

Melee returns to TP's place after rescuing Millet. When Millet awakens, she finds that she's lost her memories of her time as a minion. TP offers to let her stay until her wounds and memories have recovered. Time passes and Melee and Millet become close friends, training together under TP's tutelage to learn Leesin's techniques. Melee shows Millet how wearing a red handband over his eyes allows him to disguise himself as Leesin. By this point, Millet had started to regain some of her memories, specifically her role as a minion on the Blue team. Melee, striving to be a minion himself, questions Millet about many aspects of minion life, and finds it not as glamorous as he initially found it to be. Millet constantly brings up the idea of honor and duty as a minion, one whose value is decided by their worth to champions. Somewhat disillusioned by the true face of minions, Melee silently begins to wonder why TP became an ex-minion in the first place.

Minion talk aside, Melee also becomes aware of his own feelings for Millet and he begins to wonder if he can become more than just friends with her. However, Melee is devastated when Millet regains her memory of her marriage to Caster. While Millet states that marriage among minions were largely for the females' benefit, somewhat similar to a non-aggression treaty between other male minions, Melee realizes that her choosing Caster came from strong underlying feelings. Melee begins to suffer from the thought of his invisible rival and makes pains to show off his good side to Millet during their time together.

Unfortunately, his awkward eagerness to please annoys Millet, who finally lashes out at Melee. Melee runs away, unable to sort out the feelings clouding his heart. He decides to visit the Ancient Golem to ask his advice on women, but finds that the patch for the League of Legends visual update has allowed the jungle monsters to move freely for a limited time. Reluctantly, the Ancient Golem was forced to attend a family reunion with the other golems on the map. Although he had never been up in that area of the jungle, Melee decides to go anyways, more out of reckless abandon than necessity.

To his surprise, Melee finds that Millet had been looking for him after he ran away. Being unfamiliar with the area, Millet is worn out and battered, but sincerely relieved to have found Melee. Once again, Melee is conflicted as he understands that Millet does not return his feelings, but his heart still wishes for her acceptance. Unable to turn her away, Melee allows Millet to come with him to meet the Ancient Golem.

At the Golem reunion, the Ancient Golem is overjoyed with Melee's appearance, having become bored and agitated by his nagging golem relatives. The golems tease Melee about Millet, forcing a bitter smile as Millet vehemently refuses any relationship beyond friends, citing her marriage as proof. Confiding to the Ancient Golem gives Melee no solace and he wanders a little distance in the jungle to contemplate on his own. As if attracted to him, Morello's Evil Tome falls from the foliage it was hidden in and lands on Melee's head. Millet comes searching for Melee again and finds him with the book. Melee opens the book out of curiosity, but is unable to read more than a few words of the minion language. Millet takes the book and the two begin reading the contents of PC's journal.

Morello's Evil Tome reveals the history behind PC and TP's awakening into Prodigy Catalysts. With his adoration of the champion Leesin, TP spends much of his time trying to emulate and master the champion's techniques. PC discovers that they can use Summoner Spells as they gain permanence through their awakening. Over time, their language moves from rough, foul minionspeak to the more eloquent championspeak, until finally, they settle on their own unique manners of speaking. As they reach mastery of their respective skills, PC wonders if more Prodigy Catalysts can come about.

Together, they conduct small experiments and observations to better define the origins of Prodigy Catalysts and the spellbindings that were placed on minions and champions alike. PC discovers that miniscule inconsistencies upon revival of a minion begin to stack, eventually creating a resistance to spells in the minion. He theorizes that this is the cause of his and TP's awakening to Prodigy Catalysts. TP's observations find that simply the existence of a Prodigy Catalyst is enough to cause change. With the introduction of new ideas and thoughts that go against the spellbindings placed on minions, the minions subconsciously begin to absorb certain knowledge and concepts into their essence that is then reconstructed when revived. TP decides to term this phenomenon as occurring from "the Presence" of foreign elements.

However, contrary to TP's "soft" method of change, PC decides to conduct experiments on the buildup of resistance through multiple revivals. Considered a "forced" change, PC's method requires him to slaughter many of his comrades continuously until the mutation is successfully developed. TP believes that the "forced" method is too brutal and unethical, but PC comes to rely heavily on the method upon realization that while champions and minions are both bound by spells, only champions are given the privilege of ruling. Finding "soft" change to be too slow and unpredictable, PC continues his experiments on minions, creating characteristics of Prodigy Catalysts, but never quite reaching points of successful evolution. After several violent failures, PC is unable to turn away from the cruelty of his actions and realizes that he was acting no differently than a champion, using minions to accomplish his goals.

PC gives up on the "forced" change and adopts TP's method of "soft" change. He particularly invests his time on a promising minion named Cast, who becomes his first protege and looks up to PC highly. As Cast becomes more aware of his surroundings, PC believes that he will soon have complete resistance and become a Prodigy Catalyst. However, before this happens, Cast confronts Garen and Twisted Fate in lane after he and his fellow minions were kept just at the point of death to provide farm for Caitlyn. Enraged at the difference in treatment, Cast lashes out, only to be brutally beaten down by the champions. As PC himself heads down to lane, he finds Cast being drowned in the river by the champions, unable to die because of the spellbindings. PC fights the champions, killing Cast with his own hands to end his suffering. However, even with his Summoner Spells and experience, PC is unable to overpower the champions and is killed in the process.

As a last-ditch effort, PC casts Revive on himself, a Summoner Spell that he never fully mastered. The effects of an incomplete Revive spell and the dissonance from a minion having cast it cause PC to go into limbo. As time passes, PC realizes that he is no longer in Runeterra, but rather, a seemingly whole different dimension altogether. He continues traveling and finds information being naturally absorbed into his essence. As he gains more knowledge and travels further and further through this seemingly endless limbo, the truth of the matter begins to dawn on PC. It is when he arrives at the computer screen of a surprised League of Legends player that PC realizes that League of Legends is an online video game played by beings from a separate world.

The effects of Revive finally take place and bring PC back to the fountain in Purple base. After his return, he finds that only several minutes passed for his experience. PC records all his newfound knowledge in his journal and talks to TP about his new discoveries. They spend time observing their environment and eventually conclude that all of what PC discovered was true. Having realized that they are in a game, PC and TP decide that it would be best if the burden of this knowledge did not extend to the other minions. PC realizes that he had been selfish in trying to bring about self-aware minions, which he had reasoned to be for the sake of equality, but had actually stemmed from his loneliness. Having seen the reasons behind the inequality and the potential for destroying the world as they know it without careful consideration for the game's rules, PC and TP decide to slow the development of Prodigy Catalysts. They split up, TP leaving the base so as to weaken the effects of Presence. PC gives his journal to his golem comrades to keep safe until a time comes when the world of League of Legends will be ready for the truth.

Over time, PC sees the relative peacefulness of the world and decides that the time may never come. He and TP continue their lives quietly, never revealing the truth to anyone in this world.

Melee and Millet are able to read only half of PC's journal as the journal transitions into championspeak in later pages. Millet states that they should leave the journal here, that it was put away for a reason, that something contained in _Morello's Evil Tome_ cannot be trusted. But Melee adamantly refuses, believing that this is the truth about minions. Fueled partially by darkness in his heart that spites Millet, Melee ignores her warnings and takes the journal with him. Although Millet tries to convince him to at least show TP the journal, Melee again refuses, stating that TP would simply take the journal away and hide it from him. Driven by the growing black feelings in his heart, Melee confronts Millet with an ultimatum; either keep the journal a secret or he will forever hate her. He is surprised to find Millet hurt by his words and quietly agreeing to keep silent.

As the days continue to pass, Melee reads more and more of PC's journal. He takes to PC's initial stance on inequality, coming to believe that minions must take action against champions in order to bring balance to the scale. With Millet's agreement of silence, Melee also becomes confident that he can steal Millet away from the faraway Caster. He becomes more aggressive with courting Millet, who tries to turn a blind eye to his actions. However, Millet becomes wary of Melee as he grows more fanatical with the ideas in PC's journal.

After watching one of his beloved battles from the trees near TP's house, Melee feels only anger with his newfound knowledge. He begins to believe that minions deserve more than champions, that they deserve to rule over champions instead. Somewhere deep inside Melee, a new desire begins to take shape: to defeat a champion in combat. Melee reasons that it'll be his first step in creating change in the current state of minions. But a small part of him realizes that there is a desire to defeat a champion because Caster, being a minion, would never have accomplished such a feat.

Melee decides to stake out the Ancient Golem's spawn point. He reasons that once a champion takes the Blue Golem, he/she would be weak enough that Melee could defeat him/her singlehandedly. Millet discovers Melee's plan and tries to dissuade him from going. Once again, the black feelings stored up in Melee's heart boil, lashing out at Millet, believing that she is only trying to stop him because she believes him to be weak. Their argument grows heated, until Melee strikes out and knocks Millet unconscious. Melee hesitates because of his actions, but the darkness in his heart encourages him to go through with his plan, telling him that Millet will forgive him after he becomes worthy of her praise. Seized with a manic desire to best the invisible Caster, Melee leaves for the Ancient Golem base.

TP discovers Millet unconscious and nurses her back to health. Once she awakens, she immediately takes off after Melee, believing him to be possessed by the ideas from Morello's Evil Tome. As Millet leaves, TP realizes that the sky is darkening.

Melee heads off towards the Ancient Golem spawn point. He hides in the bush and waits for a champion to come by. All the while, he holds Morello's Evil Tome underneath his clothes, reciting to himself the superiority of minions and the need to defeat, no, _kill_ a champion.

Katarina arrives at the Ancient Golem camp and takes the blue buff. With her health half gone, Melee rushes out and ambushes her. Katarina tries to fight back, but Melee uses Leesin's techniques to overpower her. He beats her brutally, taking her own knives and cutting her with non-fatal injuries to keep her from dying. He boasts of the superiority of minions, Morello's Evil Tome glowing against his chest. Katarina screams and cries in protest, asking what she has done to deserve such treatment. Angered by her desperation, Melee berates her furiously, screaming all of his insecurities and doubts. Filled to the brim with madness, Melee prepares to administer the killing blow. Millet finally arrives, shouting at Melee to stop. Lightning flashes in the sky, blinding everyone in the scene, and in the next instant, Melee finds Millet standing in front of Katarina, his knives sunk deep into her body.

Melee recoils in horror as Millet falls to the ground, blood pooling from her body. He looks over at Katarina, who crawls away desperately, her face covered in splatters of Millet's blood. Rain begins to fall from the dark sky, smothering everything in chilling fog. TP appears through the fog, asking Melee what he has done. Frightened and stricken with guilt, Melee runs from TP, abandoning the traumatized Katarina and the dying Millet.


	27. The End - 2

_A/N: Confused at what's going on with the format? Check out the previous chapter to get all the details.  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>Those Minions: The Ambitions of Cast<strong>

In the current time, Cast and his minions are making their way back to the Purple base. Exhausted from the battle, PC and Primey follow along silently as prisoners, with an unconscious Ashe on PC's shoulder. As they near the Purple base, a minion named Elroy comes up to Cast and praises him for being able to take down a champion and the first Prodigy Catalyst. But, he feels uneasy about Cast letting Vayne fight against the Ancient Golem. He also questions if Cast is being too soft on PC because of their old relationship as mentor and protege.

Cast laughs at his worries and states that all is going to plan. A single champion is powerful, but can be subdued. However, once you have multiple beings working together, opportunities multiply. While the chance of them escaping or interfering with his plans were low, Cast felt safer releasing Vayne into the wild. He states that even as weakened as she was and as powerful as the Ancient Golem had become, chances were evenly split in who would win the battle. However, even if Vayne was to defeat the Ancient Golem, it wouldn't have an effect on their plans. If she showed any form of loyalty or care for Ashe, she would eventually come to the Purple base anyways.

Elroy asks if PC can be trusted. Cast states that he trusts that PC will act as he has done since his journey into limbo. That is against Cast's plans, which seeks to reverse the hierarchical order between minions and champions. PC had once struck upon the idea of power. That if a hierarchical order had to exist in the world, then at the very least, minions should be at the top. PC had shrunk from the idea, restrained by a semblance of a moral compass. Cast states that knowing the truth of the world had only strengthened PC's reluctance, that in the end, they lived in a world where their very meaning of existence was within chained boundaries. He had been a coward that shrunk away from the thought, believing that happiness and bliss was enough, that ignorance was enough.

Cast states that it is selfish. That he realizes his plans put minions at risk who have a normal life. They were brought into this world solely to be chained down and made, no, _forced_ to be blissfully unaware of their predicament. However, Cast is no longer ignorant of the world. He realizes that there is more out there, that Runeterra is just the tip of the iceberg. This knowledge is what separates Prodigy Catalysts from normal minions. He states that he has never forced minions to follow him, that once made aware, minions found appeal in his ideals on their own. Thus, they were comrades. Comrades with the same sense of purpose.

Their ideals are lofty, but their reasoning amounts to one thing. In a world where someone must suffer, they would rather someone else suffer. The ultimate selfishness, egotism at its best. But this is what makes them strong. This is what it means to be a Prodigy Catalyst. A spark that creates greatness, no matter the cost.

Cast states that PC will always reject this ideal. That he will cling to a fantastical world, where all will be equal, where all will share as one in joy and happiness. Unlike Vayne and Ashe, who are champions, who do not have such a base antagonism against them, PC is the most dangerous of them all. If it is safer to have Vayne outside, then it is safer to have PC inside, where an eye can be kept on him, where he can be manipulated and used. As the first Prodigy Catalyst, there is much that PC knows. Although, Cast mentions, with his years of peace and solitude, PC has also missed many things.

Elroy questions what Cast means. Cast explains that after PC killed him, he was reborn as a Prodigy Catalyst. He had complete resistance to spells and could remember everything that PC had ever taught him. He realized that his grumblings of minion treatment, that his experience with Garen and Twisted Fate, they were proof that something was wrong with the system. He himself was a living example that there could be more to minions that a mindless, soulless soldier. But he wondered why PC did not take action. He wondered what made PC hesitate. When PC returned, Cast hid his transformation from him. He pretended to have returned to a normal minion.

Because at this point, Cast realized that PC had given up. Something had made him abandon the idea of freeing minions, even if he had the means to do so. How long had PC lived? How much time had this minion had to enlighten his fellow minions?

Cast remembered that PC had once spoken of a journal. As time passed, Cast searched as much of the battleground as he could, seeking this journal that PC had hidden away. Meanwhile, he experimented and developed his powers, realizing much like PC and TP had, that minions could cast Summoner Spells and do more than expected of their original state.

One day, while exploring the jungle, Cast finally found PC's journal. It had been by accident, when he had been practicing his Smite against a group of wolves. He found Morello's Evil Tome among their remains.

By this point, Cast had developed enough to read most of the journal. Over time, he gained proficiency with championspeak, being able to decipher all of the journal's contents and finally having PC's vast store of experience and accumulated knowledge. And it was then that Cast came to a very different conclusion from PC. That learning the truth of the world did not mean to let the world continue as it was. Rather, learning the truth was simply an opportunity. A moment to take advantage of.

And so, Cast began his long preparations. He based his development of Prodigy Catalysts off PC's experiments, freeing a small group of minions from their bonds. To those minions, he taught the technique of Smite and urged them to "force" other minions into Prodigy Catalysts. With a model to base and study their techniques from, later generations were able to learn faster than earlier, become more efficient in their techniques and methods. As time passed, more and more minions were freed from their bindings. At a certain point, however, something akin to the telephone effect meant that some minions were partially freed, but did not completely build resistance. However, it was enough that they could actively participate in Cast's plans.

Elroy asks Cast what he plans to do from here on. Cast smiles and simply says that he will come to know very soon. In the meantime, they must reach the Purple base first and check in with with Mill. Once all objectives have been complete, the final stage of their plans can begin.

At this point, Cast and his band of minions were two-thirds of the way back to the Purple base. Elroy persists in his questioning, but is unable to get much more from Cast. Realizing this point, Elroy decides to reveal his secret.

Several of Cast's minions turn on him and apprehend any resisting minions. Elroy reveals that he had been planning from the start to betray Cast, holding out only long enough to gather as much information as he could while he still held Cast's trust. Although he was disappointed that he did not hear all of Cast's plans, he knows that if Cast reached the Purple base, he would have many more minions to support him and quell the coup.

Cast questions Elroy's purpose for betraying him. Elroy goads Cast, stating that for all his talk of power and seeking to be at the top, he should have expected some of his men to hold similar ambitions. Is there any reason to want to be in a position where no one can oppose you? Elroy thanks Cast for all he has done, but tells him that he will take over from here. What's better than having male champions groveling at their feet and female champions at their beck and call? Cast sneers at their primal goals, speculating that it is because they are incomplete Prodigy Catalysts. This angers Elroy, who rebukes Cast. Cast may have plans beyond the bounds of this world, but Elroy and his men state that they are satisfied with how things are, albeit with a few changes.

Primey sees this as an opportunity for him, PC, and Ashe to make their escape. But PC simply shakes his head. He states that nothing has changed. Many years had passed since Cast's evolution into a Prodigy Catalyst. Unlike PC, who had abandoned his goals and ambitions, Cast had worked at them with an unrivalled fervor.

Something like a rebellion was a drop in the ocean. An expected phenomenon that would have no effect on the whole.

Although outnumbered, Cast and his men quickly subdue Elroy's coup. He applauds Elroy for making an effort, but laments that he had made such a half-assed attempt. Power could be measured by one's ambitions. If one is satisfied with what he has, then no more effort will be made. Determination and perseverance were the driving forces that lead many champions to victory. For Elroy and his men, who possessed only a trickle of such factors, their fate had always been to become mere stepping stones.

Elroy taunts Cast, saying that even if they failed, they had no loss. At worst, Cast will simply kill them and they will return to being normal minions. But to Cast, quelling rebellions would mean a loss to his forces and conflict among his remaining soldiers. Cast laughs at this, impressed that Elroy had remembered his words so well. It was Cast that had implanted this thought into the minions, to encourage their freedom, to give them the drive to go past their limits. Cast states that he will not punish them. He will free them and let them go. No matter what they do, their goals are mere replicas of his. Cast states that they will always end up returning to the same path that he treads. If his plans could be disrupted by the actions of a few, spiteful, incomplete Prodigy Catalysts, then Cast did not deserve to taste success.

Once again, PC feels a wave of dread and fear fill him. When Primey questions about his unease, PC replies that the casual attitude that Cast had taken simply reinforced the absolute confidence he held in himself, in his plans that had been prepared meticulously over an unimaginable length of time. Although PC did not plan to simply fall in line with Cast's predictions, he could not help but feel as if he would become something like a puppet on strings.

Cast agrees with PC, having overheard his conversation with Primey. He states that absolute confidence is the perfect word. To demonstrate it, he says that he will tell Elroy and PC the rest of his plans after all. His goal was to reverse the hierarchy between minions and champions. In PC's journal, PC had proposed a plan to accomplish this. It was from this plan that Cast's idea to enlist the assistance of jungle monsters had come about.

Kill the Baron Nashor over and over until his resistance builds and he becomes a Prodigy Catalyst.

Unlike the other monsters, the spells on the Baron Nashor were old and powerful. They were of such potency that it was stated that this Baron Nashor was a mere imitation of the true Baron Nashor. He could not move from his spot, which meant that taking advantage of the aggroing mechanics would do nothing to free him. The only choice was to turn the Baron Nashor into a Prodigy Catalyst. With the use of Promote from many minions, the Baron could also be returned to his true form and assist them in achieving dominance over the champions. However, PC had abandoned the plan because of the enormous number of Prodigy Catalysts it would require.

PC argues against that plan, saying that it is futile. There was no point in fighting the champions, as they were all equally bound to a fictional game world. Cast merely laughs, stating that he knows that PC's plan was worthless. After all, his plan had been to defeat champions with the assistance of a higher, greater power. There was no guarantee that the Baron Nashor would continue supporting them after the champions were defeated and he had regained his full power.

If they were to enlist the Baron's help, it would have to be for a greater cause. Learning the truth made Cast realize that the champions were not the final goal.

Reaching the outside world was.

There was a connection between this world and the world outside, as PC had proven by going through limbo. Cast speculates that those of the outside world are somehow connected to the Summoners of Runeterra, who control the champions. If they could reach the Summoners, they could take control of those that play with this world, as if it was a game.

PC is baffled by this plan. He states that the Summoners exist outside of this battleground, invisible within the confines of Lore. How could Cast reach them?

Cast wondered of the same thought. But, through his many observations, he realized that the spellbindings in this battleground were sustained with a constant flow of magic. This magic had to stem from somewhere. That place would be where the connection would lie.

Cast admits that he spent many fruitless days combing the battleground for such a place. But of course, it was almost certainly hidden. Leaving such an open connection defenseless was pure recklessness.

But at last, Cast was able to find the location. There were two contributing factors. First, that the connection had to have some sort of absolute defense. Second, was the idea of the Presence. Reading that the mere presence of Prodigy Catalysts was enough to incur a change in minions, Cast reasoned that this source of magic should accomplish similar phenomenon. But whereas Presence was a soft change that limited itself to gradual things such as the introduction of metagame, the source of magic would undoubtedly be enormous. Its effects, therefore, had to be equally fantastical.

And what was more fantastical in this world than the existence of female minions?


	28. True End

**Those Minions: True End.**

**_**A/N:** _**_Tying up loose ends._

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><p>Melee and Caster pass through the Dragon on their way to the Blue side's jungle. There, they meet Mill, who is trying to free the Dragon by using aggro mechanics from Annie and Kassadin. There, it is revealed that Mill is Millet's brother, and that after her disappearance, he had left the Blue base to try and find her. Searching through the jungle, he eventually made his way to the Ancient Golem spawn area, where he saw Melee kill Millet and run away from the frightened Katarina. Traumatized by what he had seen, Mill tried to chase after Melee, but was unable to find him in the dense jungle. He travels aimlessly for an unspecified amount of time until he finds the wolves camp where Melee was assaulted and saved by Caster. He finds Cast there, who is practicing his Smite against the wolves. After the wolves are defeated, Mill finds signs of Melee being there from the wolves' remains. He believes that Melee was killed by the wolves and feels hollow at not having reached his sister's killer in time. Cast listens to his story and decides to take him with him back to the Purple base. There, Mill is snuck in and becomes a Purple minion, hearing of Cast's plans and ultimately becoming a supporter of his ideals.<p>

Throughout time, as he helped with Cast's plans, Mill travels all over the battlefield. He finds out that Caster had saved someone from the jungle and suspects that it may be Melee. After Melee and Caster leave the base to go hunt for Katarina, Mill receives the report and confirms that Melee is still alive. However, he decides to wait until Cast's plans are in motion before going off to punish Melee for killing his sister.

Mill feels that it's fate that Melee has come to him, and with Caster in tow. He mocks Melee and tortures him mentally with hints at his crime to the unknowing Caster. Eventually, he speaks the truth, which causes Caster to confront Melee and ask him if Mill is lying or not. Melee realizes that Caster wants him to lie, that Caster had figured this out a long time ago, and had already forgiven him for it. Unable to accept Caster's mercy, Melee tells him the truth and admits to killing Millet. Seeing that he was rejected by Melee, Caster backs away, speechless. Mill thinks about how to kill Melee, whether to give him a slow, painful death to satisfy his rage or kill him quickly, to spite Melee. Caster interrupts, offering to kill Melee himself. Mill admits that Caster has the right, as Millet was his wife. He lets Caster take care of Melee, who releases Melee and tells him to run far away, so that they'll never meet again. He tells Melee that he's releasing him because of their friendship, but the next time he sees him, he will truly kill him.

Mill doesn't mind that Caster released him, saying that in the end, they will see Melee again. He tells Caster that he understands why Caster released him, but that he better keep his word next time. Caster asks what Mill and the other minions are doing, and Mill tells him of Cast's plans.

Back at the Purple base, Master Yi had finished his recall, but cannot contact the other members of his team. Moving out, he notices that the Purple minions are moving strangely, congregating around the inhibitors for some reason. He tries to leave the base, but is caught by the minions and taken prisoner.

As Cast takes PC and co. back to the Purple base, PC inquires more of Cast's plans. Cast reveals that the origin of female minions were not the only things he discovered. He also found out how champions talked to each other and how the announcer was heard. He always wondered what the beam for the inhibitors were meant for. They did not seem to be providing protection to the Nexus like others thought. In fact, the beam was nothing at all but light. After examining the remains of a destroyed inhibitor, Cast realized that faint magical particles were being emitted from underneath the inhibitor. He realized that this was also a magical space, one that connected to the place where the announcers of the battlefields resided. For now, he has placed a temporary jamming on the magical particles, but Cast has also ordered his minions to break through into the magical space to cut communications once and for all.

Melee runs into the jungle, his mind whirling with the events that had happened. He wallows in self-pity and tries to kill himself with his weapon. He is stopped by a shouting voice, one that makes his ears bleed and causes him to drop the weapon. He realizes that it was the Summoner Lady that stopped him, but hearing her loud voice again combined with the memories resurfacing into his mind, Melee realizes that it was her voice that had brought him back to his senses when he had met Millet for the first time at top lane. He questions Summoner Lady, who reveals that she had always been watching Melee since he had met TP.

At first, it had just been idle curiosity because of his appearance, but it had soon grown into infatuation, then love. She tells him how she had always been jealous of Millet and had hesitated at calling out to Melee when he had attacked Katarina. But even when she had shouted, the lightning had covered her voice. She tells him that she has known Melee the longest and that she understands his anguish. She tells Melee that it was a tragic accident, that he had never meant to kill Millet. Melee argues back, attacking himself for having killed the love of his life over stupid jealousy. The Summoner Lady continues talking through Melee's frustration, eventually convincing him to come to terms with his actions and start fresh. Melee says that Caster was his best friend, but he ruined it. He decides not to go back to the base, saying that he'll stay in the jungle as a vagabond, as he had done before coming to TP's hut.

The Summoner Lady tells Melee that she will be busy and that they might not be able to talk anymore. Melee tells her that although he loved Millet, he had grown to love the Summoner Lady too. Bursting with happiness at his words, the Summoner Lady cuts off communication. Behind her, the last of her announcer friends fall, killed by Cast's men, who had finally gotten into the magical space beneath the inhibitor. Cast's men are amazed at the Summoner Lady's beauty and debate whether or not they should kill her. One of the minions states that they are not yet Prodigy Catalysts, so there is no need for them to act sensibly or be accountable for their actions. He says that they can rape her, then kill her. The Summoner Lady waits until they start to approach her, then steals one of their weapons. Realizing that she has no hope of defeating them, she stabs herself in the heart, then slashes through her body so that everything to her genitals is ruined. Stating that she will always stay faithful to Melee, the Summoner Lady dies, regretting that she had not truly called out to Melee during the incident at the Ancient Golem spawn, her jealousy keeping her silent and also keeping Millet's survival from Melee. After she dies, one of the minions states that her mouth is still perfectly fine.

With half of the Phantom Dancer, Yi is able to escape from the Purple base. He realizes that Ashe and the other champions are also prisoners, but realizes that he cannot take all of the minions alone. He leaves the base, hoping to find champions from the other team to help him release his comrades. As he runs through the jungle, Master Yi meets with Melee, who had been training in the jungle with the wolves. Master Yi explains the situation to Melee, who realizes that Caster may be in danger. The two agree to work together to reach the Blue base and recruit help from the minions and champions there.

Mill sends Caster to the Purple base so that Cast can meet with him. After Caster leaves, Mill releases the Dragon and orders him to destroy the turrets to the Blue base, opening a path up for the Purple minions. Irelia, TP, Leeson, and the Caster duo arrive at the Dragon too late and realize that Cast's plans had already begun. TP knows the gist of what Cast is planning from interrogating the minions and referencing PC's original plan. They head to the middle lane to intercept the Dragon and hopefully stop Cast.

As they head towards mid lane, they find Master Yi and Melee coming out of the jungle. TP and Melee are surprised at meeting each other, but TP tells him to forget the past and cooperate to stop Cast. Melee agrees, but stops as he sees Leeson, thinking TP's new apprentice looks familiar. Leeson tells him that he looks like he hasn't forgotten the past, but come to accept it. Leeson thanks Melee for teaching him how to impersonate Leesin, and as he begins to take off his rags, Melee realizes Leeson's true identity: Millet.

Millet had been rescued by TP and nursed back to health. However, the wound had been dangerous and it took Millet an incredibly long time to heal. TP stated that it was because Melee had damaged her and that Melee was not a minion. When asked what he means, TP tells Millet of his first encounter with Melee. He had his suspicions then, but it was confirmed after he had seen the clouds darken and lightning strike during the Katarina incident. He states that Melee is from the outside world, a rogue program that could alter the game world. This was why it had rained for the first time in the entire history of Summoner's Rift.

TP tells Millet that he has heard that Melee had become friends with Caster. He asks Millet if she forgives him, but Millet says that she will know when she meets him again. TP asks her not to tell Melee of his true origins if she does forgive him, to let him live the rest of his days as a minion, as he always wanted to be.

The group heads off to mid lane, where they fight with Mill and the Dragon. As the Dragon tanks the turret, the Elder Lizard that Cast had released appears. Melee and co. fight and defeat the Elder Lizard, just as the Dragon takes out the mid lane turret. However, the Dragon took heavy damage from the turret and begins to fail against Melee and co. However Mill uses Promote on the Dragon to restore his strength and continue the battle. Meanwhile, Cast heads out to Baron Nashor now that he has finally spawned, but not before crippling PC to ensure that he does not leave the base. Ashe finally wakes up and tries to think of a plan with Primey and PC. Primey and PC realize that not all of the Purple minions were on Cast's side and that there are many prisoners along with them. Primey gives a rousing speech to convince the minions to join together and fight with them against Cast, using Sona's death as an incentive.

As the group tries to figure out how to escape the prison, the entrance to the prison is destroyed and Vayne appears with Sona. Having defeated the Promoted Ancient Golem, Vayne had extracted Sona from its remains and come to the Purple base. She hopes that Ashe has some backup, because all of Cast's remaining men are coming to capture them. With Primey taking the lead, the champions and the minions escape the prison and begin fighting against Cast's guards.

With heavy damage to TP, the group in mid lane finally manages to defeat the Dragon. Mill is captured, but he refuses to betray Cast. He states that Cast did not order him, that instead, he truly believes that Cast's ideal is a better world than the one they currently live in. TP tells Melee to kill Mill, but Melee hesitates, knowing that Mill will lose his Prodigy Catalyst powers and subsequently lose his memories. Melee asks Millet what to do, who asks TP to give mercy to her brother. TP relents, but states that they must head to the Blue base to put Mill under lock and key and warn the others. They retrieve the injured Kassadin and Annie before heading to the Blue base.

Cast and his army cast their Promotes on Baron Nashor, which, combined with the increased magical resistance he had gained from being Smited so many times by Cast's men over time, allows the Baron Nashor to transform to its original form and escape its spawn area. Cast tells the Baron Nashor of his plans and the Baron Nashor agrees to help Cast to repay his debt for his freedom. Cast and his army begin heading for the Blue base.

Caster had returned to the Purple base, but found Cast gone. He wonders if Cast's ideal is truly better for minions. Finding himself wondering what Melee is doing, Caster wanders around the base, eventually seeing a group of bloody minions come out of the inhibitor. He asks them what happened and they gloat about the special mission Cast had given them. As they brag about having had a fun time with an announcer that looked like Leblanc, Caster realizes that these minions had killed the Summoner Lady. He runs past them and into the magical space, where he finds the Summoner Lady's defiled corpse.

Blind with rage, Caster rushes back out into the base and searches for the bloody minions, striking one dead instantly with a powerful blow from his wand. Cast's guards stop Caster and the minions gang up on him, beating him down even with his Rylai's Crystal Scepter and Madred's Razors. The guards are stopped as Vayne and Sona come into the base and Caster is saved by the champions' distraction. After the prisoners escape and begin fighting the guards in the Purple base, Caster realizes that a revolt is happening.

As Melee and co. reach the Blue base, they realize that Cast's men had infiltrated the Blue base and taken control. The group sneaks into the Blue base and finds the imprisoned minions. TP tells them to think of a plan before releasing everyone.

Back in the Purple base, the revolt is successful and Cast's men are defeated. But PC realizes that it no longer matters, seeing the Baron Nashor's true form in the distance. He states that they'll never make it to the Blue base in time to stop him and believes that Cast had left his men to stall the group in case they escaped. Ashe states that if they could somehow communicate with the champions in Blue base, they might be able to buy them enough time. Having heard the whole story of what's going on, Caster decides that right now, champions and minions are both in the same danger. He tells them about the announcer space beneath the inhibitor. PC gets an idea and goes to retrieve the Caster duo. Having hung out in the control room at the Nexus, the Caster duo are well-versed in the announcer tools and are able to reestablish communication with the champions. Ashe does a test call and finds out that Yi and the other champions are currently at the Blue base and that the Baron Nashor has already started destroying the front turrets.

PC states that the Blue minions might be able to do something about Cast's army. But the Baron Nashor will be difficult to fight against without more champions. They have to reach the Blue base or Cast will win. After thinking for a bit, Ashe finally comes up with a plan. She states that not many things can go across from one side of the map to the other at high-speed. But fortunately, they have one of those options: Ashe's ultimate, Enchanted Crystal Arrow. Ashe starts her ultimate and has the other champions, PC and Primey, and some of the minions clamber onto it. Stating that she'll lead the remaining minions to the base as a backup group, she wishes them luck, and fires the arrow. Caster and co. head off towards the Blue base.

With Ashe's plan in motion, Yi tells the others that a distraction is needed. TP tells that they must fight the minions, but not go near the Baron Nashor. He states that the Baron Nashor is too strong and that Cast would never rely on anything stronger than himself without a good reason. He realizes that Cast must be employing the Baron Nashor to do the same thing as the Dragon, which is tanking a turret. TP theorizes that Cast is aiming to destroy the Nexus turret, and that somewhere on the fountain, there is a magical space as there had been in the Purple base. He believes that behind the Nexus turret must be where the space holding the Summoners themselves is. He tells the group to let the Baron Nashor tank the turret and only attack it when it has gotten to low health. He hopes that the Nexus turret will hold out long enough for the Baron to be heavily damaged.

The Blue base erupts into chaos as the minions rush out to fight against Cast's army. Cast orders the Baron to ignore the battle and to charge straight ahead to the Nexus turret. However, the Baron betrays Cast, stating that he would never follow the orders of a lowly minion. He approves of Cast's plan though, so he gathers the minions in the battlefield so that they can tank the turret instead while the Baron destroys it. However, Cast uses Exhaust on Baron, his Summoner Spells now at such a high level that it cripples the Baron, causing it fall forward and onto the fountain. Unable to move, the Baron can only suffer as the Nexus turret inflicts him with blasts of true damage.

Ashe's Crystal Arrow arrives at the base and the reinforcements join the fray. Mill escapes during the chaos and seeks to help Cast. Primey and PC fight against him, but Mill proves too strong and nearly kills PC and Primey. Caster and Melee reunite, having a brief moment where they rekindle their friendship, before turning to fight Mill. Meanwhile, Cast chips away at the Nexus turret with his army, but Master Yi and the other champions intercept them.

As his army fights against the champions, Cast is finally able to break through the Nexus turret and hurries inside the magical space. Caster and Melee have a difficult time against Mill, but are able to defeat him after Primey uses the last of his strength to help them. However, the Baron Nashor finally dies from his wounds, leaving the remains of the Nexus Turret still active. PC tells Melee and Caster that he can tank the turret for exactly one second and they must hurry and stop Cast before he reaches the outside world. Melee and Caster thank PC for his sacrifice and get ready to enter the magical space.

PC tanks the turret and dies, ending his long, long Prodigy Catalyst life. He sees Primey lying unconscious a few feet away and silently tells him that it was fun. However, due to his wounds, the turret kills him too quickly, still being active before Melee and Caster can enter the space. Caster pushes Melee into the space, taking the blow himself and dying as a result.

Melee realizes that Caster sacrificed himself, but has no time to mourn his death. He rushes through the space and finds Cast there, having already killed the Summoners. Cast holds the Summoner orbs which control the champions and summons Katarina into the space. Cast knows about Melee's trauma and uses that to his advantage, forcing the unwilling Katarina to fight against Melee. Exhausted, Melee falls to his feet and Cast declares his victory. Realizing that Cast is no longer just driven by his ideals, but the manic desire that had seized Melee on the night he had attacked Millet, Melee knows that if he loses here, only a bleak future will await for not only champions and minions, but the unsuspecting outside world. With one final effort, Melee yells at Katarina, telling her that he's sorry he attacked her and that she must trust him. He throws his lance at Katarina, who Shunpos to Melee to dodge it. Cast is surprised, but dodges the lance with Flash, commending Melee for his clever, but futile effort. However, Melee uses the move that he had never mastered at TP's place, Leesin's ultimate Dragon's Rage, to kick Katarina at Cast. Cast is knocked airborne, unable to dodge it as Flash is still on cooldown, and unable to take any action due to the CC. With a final cry, Melee kicks a Sonic Wave at Cast, destroying the Summoner controller in the process and marking Cast. With Katarina released, Shunpo and Resonating Strike come together to pierce through Cast and end his life.

As Cast lay dying, he looks up and wonders why he lost. He wonders if his ideals had not been good enough. As his conscience fades, Cast wonders what the purpose of his life had ultimately been, not knowing that he had finally become more human than minion.

Katarina helps the exhausted Melee leave the magical space and back out into the Blue base. He sees Primey crying over PC, who had died standing up. Ashe and the other minions finally arrive at the base, ending the battle once and for all.

As Melee searches for Caster's body, he sees Millet holding his corpse tightly. Melee tells her that it'll be ok, that Caster will respawn soon. But TP tells him that Caster may not be the same after respawning. He tells Melee about the Presence and states that even though Melee wasn't a Prodigy Catalyst, he was a foreign influence like Captain Teemo and the magical spaces. He states that Melee had been the reason Millet and Caster had warped from a minion's normal duties and functions, saying that Caster had become somewhat like a Prodigy Catalyst during his life. He states that because of that, Caster will respawn with his memories gone and possibly his personality changed. As Melee and Millet look out at the many dead minion bodies in the base, they wonder if things will ever return back to normal.

**Epilogue:**

Reports occur in the real world on Reddit about a strange occurrence in some League of Legends matches. People report seeing glitched minions acting independently from the game mechanics or champions running out of control. As Riot is bombarded with complaints, one of their staff investigates and finds out that someone had put a backdoor into the game. Contacting the person, he finds out that this backdoor had been made to work with a test program that would trap hackers and malicious users who would try to take advantage of the backdoor bait. However, the test program had suddenly vanished from the servers and the backdoor had been patched up, but eventually forgotten.

Days later, an email gets sent to the staff member who had been investigating the backdoor. The email sender asks the staff member to log onto the game and go to the physical location of the backdoor in-game. The staff member follows the email's instructions and finds himself pushed out of the game's boundaries and into the huts behind the trees in top lane. There a group of minions and champions appear on the screen and begin sending him messages on the all chat.

"Sure is bright today, isn't it Caster?"

"Shut the fuck up. Do you know how much it pains me that I remember you saying that? God, I wish I'd forgotten everything about you."

"No, you don't."

"Yeah, yeah. Anyways, get to the point."

"Oh yeah. Hi...Mr. uhh...person from Riot Games. We're minions. And we want to talk to you about minion rights and bonuses."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Thought it was over, huh? Told you I'd finish this...even if I did finish it in a rather disjointed, crappily told manner. Anyways, that's it, everything I ever planned for Those Minions. Hope you guys enjoyed the ride and maybe I'll see you guys again, next time with a story I can actually finish properly. If you've got time, leave some comments on what you liked and didn't like about the story as a whole for next time. Until then, remember-

Bonuses come in bacon.

_PS: In case anyone's confused about the Summoner orbs, I'm just referring to the orbs used in the first trailer._


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